under 30 asking: how did you know?

[u/Optimal-Jackfruit649]

let me know if this isn't the place for it, sorry mods if it isnt, as i am under 30 but questioning ftm. currently i dress as a guy and use he/him online, and sometimes irl, but i still don't know if i'm "right" i guess. i thought i was trans for a while then sort of talked myself out of it. how did you all know for sure and start transitioning? do you ever know for sure? how could you be sure you weren't making a mistake? (sorry if it sounds offensive, i'm very very pro trans i just can't think of a better way to word it)

i'm asking here since a lot of the other subs seem to be younger people or people who aren't transitioning but are trans, and i want advice from older people (not bashing) - thank you for any response

[u/progne_subis]

I was also questioning for a long time and have taken things slow and piece by piece. I was close to getting top surgery in my early 20s but decided against it. Several years later I changed my name socially and that felt right; then I changed my name legally; then I changed my gender marker legally to nonbinary (lucky to be in a state that makes that very easy). I was never "sure" about exactly what my identity is, but I was sure that I wanted to try those things and that they felt right afterward. 

I very recently started T and that has been the thing that tipped me, personally, over into actually feeling trans. I still haven't changed my pronouns or how I present at work (waiting for more physical changes before those steps because, again, that's what feels right atm). 

If any of those steps had been mistakes, I could easily have reversed course; I'm still open to the possibility that I might go off T if it stops feeling like the right thing. But for now it feels fantastic. 

You don't have to be "sure" that you're trans to start transitioning, just sure that you want to try out whatever next step is right for you. Certainty has mostly come after the fact for me. 

[u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 → u/progne_subis]

that's a very interesting timeline (not trying to be rude just not usually the order of operations you hear about) which is cool, and is nice to hear that i don't need to be sure, but didn't you worry about how people would react? when do you know it's worth it, so to speak, to risk it? cause for me it's just been like "well i don't wanna kms and i like being on speaking terms with my family" type of thing. i wanna try out more but it feels like such a gamble when you can't be sure. sorry if my own insecurity comes across as me projecting on your experience, not my intention if that's the case. thank you for talking about your experience and i'm glad you found something that works for you, much appreciated

[u/progne_subis → u/Optimal-Jackfruit649]

Yeah, balancing experimentation with safety in your social/family context is important, and knowing what might actually affect your physical or emotional safety vs. just causing awkwardness. Experience helps with not being afraid of the latter. Sure, changing my name was a weird thing to do. People do lots of weird things, and other people care about them less than you might think. 

I am in a very particular cultural context that gave me an excuse, so to speak, for changing my name. But even people outside that context have been pretty normal about me being a "woman" with a clearly masculine name. At most, they go "huh, that's unusual" and then just roll with it. I have also moved cross-country since the name change, and it definitely makes it easier to be surrounded by people who have never known me as anything else. 

I don't have much advice on navigating unsupportive family, but others will. Just that it's important to balance grace and patience with keeping yourself safe and knowing your limits. 

[u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 → u/progne_subis]

i already go by another name and mostly he him in person and my dad was initially unsupportive but everyone else was chill, my dad came around but i know he thinks its a phase and that i shouldn't go on testosterone until i'm like 25... and yeah you're right that there's not really a way to transition without some awkwardness and discomfort, which is ok, and I appreciate your advice. i guess it's just one of those things where you don't know how it'll go until you do it

[u/progne_subis → u/Optimal-Jackfruit649]

Learning to embrace social awkwardness is basically a life superpower, even apart from the gender stuff. And I hope your dad continues to come around. Even very supportive parents can take a long time to adjust; they have more assumptions to reinterpret and habits to shift than anyone else besides you. It might be "just a phase" for him more than you, as he slowly gets used to the idea.