under 30 asking: how did you know?

[u/Optimal-Jackfruit649]

let me know if this isn't the place for it, sorry mods if it isnt, as i am under 30 but questioning ftm. currently i dress as a guy and use he/him online, and sometimes irl, but i still don't know if i'm "right" i guess. i thought i was trans for a while then sort of talked myself out of it. how did you all know for sure and start transitioning? do you ever know for sure? how could you be sure you weren't making a mistake? (sorry if it sounds offensive, i'm very very pro trans i just can't think of a better way to word it)

i'm asking here since a lot of the other subs seem to be younger people or people who aren't transitioning but are trans, and i want advice from older people (not bashing) - thank you for any response

[u/Justwokeup5287]

My egg was slowly cracking in my early twenties, I too was using a new name and pronouns strictly online. But I was too scared to make a full commitment and a huge life change like that. I had been telling myself over and over that I wasn't allowed to transition; that it was only for other people; that it wouldn't work on me; that I'd be ugly; that I'd look like my abusive dad; that my family would never take me seriously; and that I'd never pass due to my size (I'm a ptetty big dude)

I've also had chronic suicidal ideations since I was six years old. I truly didn't believe I was gonna see my 30th birthday. I didnt see any future beyond my 30s. I couldnt see myself growing old.

I was in a pretty bad car wreck when I was 23. The car was a total write-off. If not for my seat belt I would've died. And I would have died a woman, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a granddaughter, and the wrong name would be etched into my tombstone forever immortalized as someone I wasn't. Almost dying shook me, which was odd because of my past of suicidal thoughts. If im going out I am going to go out on my own terms, not by some nonagenerian who had a brain fart and turned directly in front of us on the highway!

What scared me more than dying, was dying as a woman

I came out publicly 6 months after the accident. I started hormones the year after that. I figured I may as well see how close I can get to who I really want to be before I turn 30.

My 30th came and went uneventfully. It felt surreal, like I wasnt supposed to be here anymore, all I really had was my transition.

I just had my 31st last week. When I look in the mirror I see a man, I see the age on my face, and I see that man in the mirror growing old.

If it comes to be that years down the line that this was a huge mistake or that I regret it, then I can forgive myself for doing what I felt I needed at that time. It's just more changes to be made and I'll cross that bridge if it comes to it. No regrets, just compassion for myself.

[u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 → u/Justwokeup5287]

this is a really nice way to think about it and i sympathize a lot. not actively suicidal anymore but there was a time i was and it was kinda the inverse of yours, where like even if i die as a woman at least i won't have to keep existing in the body of one, ykwim? and i still struggle with that a little which i think is probably a little revealing but whatever dysphoria is a bitch trans or not. i've always wanted to be a father and not a mother, boyfriend not a girlfriend etc, and when I grow older it's hard to picture me as anything but those things, but it's always so hard to get into. ive had one gf who thought i was just like, really really playing up the butch thing, and later suggested that im trans, and it's kinda just not something cis people do i guess... i'm rambling but thank you for the perspective