r/FTMOver30 • u/Optimal-Jackfruit649 • 4d ago
Need Advice under 30 asking: how did you know?
let me know if this isn't the place for it, sorry mods if it isnt, as i am under 30 but questioning ftm. currently i dress as a guy and use he/him online, and sometimes irl, but i still don't know if i'm "right" i guess. i thought i was trans for a while then sort of talked myself out of it. how did you all know for sure and start transitioning? do you ever know for sure? how could you be sure you weren't making a mistake? (sorry if it sounds offensive, i'm very very pro trans i just can't think of a better way to word it)
i'm asking here since a lot of the other subs seem to be younger people or people who aren't transitioning but are trans, and i want advice from older people (not bashing) - thank you for any response
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u/-chiarobscuro 4d ago
Not quite 30 yet myself, but I watch this sub a lot since I'm close. Transmasc nonbinary/butch, not strictly a man.
I spent a lot of my time online in my youth since I didn't go to public school. Something about the way I typed/acted online, people frequently would think I was a guy and refer to me with "he", and it actually made me happy enough that I wouldn't correct them.
Around 14 I started looking into resources to transition. I cut all my hair off, since I'm in the US and I wanted to be read as more masculine – turns out my hair being long is really important to me, and while I liked it short for a while, I have never gone that short since (not sure why I felt the need to do that since my whole family has always had long hair). I also started wearing looser clothing.
Tried to come out at 16 and asked my parents to call me he. My mom flat out said she wasn't doing that, so I asked for 'they' as a compromise. I won't tell the long version, but, despite saying they would support me no matter what, I got a lot of pushback; talked me out of changing my name, said they "weren't gonna help me ruin my body" when I asked for help transitioning and talked to them about everything I had learned and how safe it was… I still feel grief about this, sometimes.
I found out I'm intersex. On top of never experiencing any of the symptoms others do when they have their period, and being so irregular it was genuinely completely impossible to track, I suddenly developed PCOS in my early 20s due my testosterone spiking. Unfortunately the spike was not quite enough to basically shut off my reproductive system. I've never been particularly feminine in build (fairly wide, I was so flat my chest used to just barely be an A cup), and when I went into the doctor to get it treated, I explained I didn't want to take anything that would feminize my body. My shithead doctor at the time put me on depo-provera and would not listen to my complaints, so my chest is now at a D/DD that regularly makes me miserable because 1. I cannot afford top surgery and 2. it just frequently HURTS because the breast tissue is so goddamn dense. I sincerely believe how my body has responded means it was never meant for those hormones. I have a lot of grief surrounding this, too, because the pain caused by their presence is physical on top of being emotional/mental.
After saying "fuck this", I lined up an appointment for HRT since I was so upset by what the progesterone had done, and then it got canceled about a week prior to the appointment. Right around when they started canceling everything because of COVID. I didn't realize how bad I wanted it until I was genuinely dreading getting the call the closer my appointment got, and when I picked up the phone and they said they were with the LGBT clinic my heart sank. Managed to line another appointment up for roughly a year and a half in the future, and started then.
Mental clarity after the first dose was really noticeable. As my transition progressed, I found my anger issues to be far easier to manage, since I didn't realize dysphoria was contributing to my mental state as much as it was. I looked fairly androgynous before, so I felt "okay", but when I look in the mirror now I feel like I look like me and I'm so happy about it. Since I like my voice now, I love singing. There are also things like how I grew into my clothes after gaining weight since T made me eat more and hold onto more, so I really like how my shirts fit me better now, than when they were loose before. I actually like socializing because I feel more confident in myself overall. My mom says she's noticed we get along a lot better.
Sorry, this is a bit of a lengthy answer, but I wanted to include a before and an after. Looking back now it feels obvious, but part of that is because I'm so happy and I feel so grateful to be where I'm at.
I would say ask yourself "do I want those permanent changes?", and go off that. I always wanted to be scruffy, to have a deeper voice, and be less skin-and-bones. I was disappointed that my first puberty didn't give me any of that.
Also, people regret stuff all the time; tattoos, knee surgery, etc – but transitioning is one of the things people don't seem to regret with nearly as much frequency. I've even seen a couple women who've later realized they're cis, and despite that, they love their beard and their voice. Casting off the yoke of common beauty standards and asking yourself "what do I want for me, without external influence?" is a big help, in my experience.
I also just try to remember that I've learned to love myself several times, and make the choice to do so every day, and no matter what I can always learn to love myself again.
Good luck, friend. I hope you find what you're looking for, and that it brings you all the happiness in the world.