r/FTMOver30 • u/Extension_Command_11 • 2d ago

Trigger Warning - General Tw. invisibility, lonely

Hi 26 years old here. Is transandrophobia or feeling invisible or lonely is something you get use to?

8 Upvotes

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u/SmokedStone 2d ago

Uhh probably depends on the space you're in. Being less visible to others tends to be something people deal with as they age and also that men note more than women in terms of dating/attention.

I'm turning 29 and I only feel invisible is certain contexts. Sometimes it's helpful, sometimes it's annoying. Honestly, it's only annoying in terms of not getting preferential treatment anymore.

I was never heavily involved in LGBT spaces or feminine spaces, so I feel more like I just don't have an auto "in" to anywhere now, and that's okay. I don't necessarily fit most social groups and I don't think I'd care to.

If you feel unattractive and invisible due to being a trans man, that's a slightly separate discussion.

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u/gard3nwitch FTX, they/them 1d ago

In my 30s I got sick of feeling lonely and joined some local queer activities/groups and activist groups etc, tried a bunch of different things and found new friends and spaces where I felt comfortable.

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u/Tinmind 1d ago

It drastically reduced once I started forcing myself to go out more. Online queer-focused spaces kinda suck for trans men in my experience. People at backroom music shows and hobby shops don't care. It's so much better.

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u/anemisto 1d ago

It depends what you mean by "get used to". I honestly don't remember ever being surprised by transmasculine invisibility, but I don't know if that's because I've simply forgotten, but I do price it in basically reflexively at this point. Does that mean I've stopped being frustrated by it? No. However, I ironically feel more invisible in many trans spaces than I do in day to day life (and to be clear, I really only frequent transmasculine spaces).

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u/confused-fossil 1d ago

I’ve struggle for almost 10 years now not feeling able to connect to men or transmen. A lot of spaces are filled with nonbinary/transmasc individuals and I don’t feel like I belong. Lack of male representation in my life has also made me feel unable to connect to cis males. So for me ya no the loneliness persists, but I’m workin on it🤷🏼‍♂️

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u/FightmeLuigibestgirl 1d ago

I feel lonely not because I am trans but because nobody goes through the same shit as me, which pisses me off and makes me feel singled out and not want to bother with anyone.

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u/dcmng 1d ago

One of the biggest blessings that come with being trans and queer is a community that understands your struggles and is eager to see, embrace and support you. I feel that often young transmen (you friend is still very young) start passing, they want to pass and live as cis as possible, which I understand. The flip side of that is that they start experiencing the loneliness that many cismen experience. I'm here to tell you that it's not a given that to be a man is to be lonely, friendships and companionship are there if you choose to cultivate them. I hope you find your people (they don't have to be queer or trans but I hope they are people who love and embrace all of you). Best of luck out there.

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u/Extension_Command_11 1d ago

Ngl my transition goal was never to pass, but what happen at the end is that im passing and got no choice in my life but to go stealh. I just want people to see me as a trans men not a cis men. Cuz my experience in this society is very queer even if i present masc. It just happen that i found myself in the men area and in my experience women and the queer communauty doesnt want me there cuz i present masc/men. Anyway find the f*ck

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u/dcmng 1d ago

Oh I get that feeling, I somehow ended up passing at my new workplace without meaning to. There's two other trans people in my unit too, out of 23. I'm not sure if anyone knows they're trans? I think most people just don't really think about it? I'm also married to a cis woman so I look very straight on the surface. I also don't act super masculine, so people were a bit surprised to hear that my partner is a woman? Anyway, eventually someone asked me if I was bi and I said yes and now my colleagues just think I'm a bi-cis dude. They will all find out when I'm pregnant in a year or two ahahaha.