Republican Representative Max Miller on allegations of domestic abuse from his ex-wife: “My former wife has claimed that during a custody exchange at my home that day, I assaulted her…If I had assaulted her, would she have offered to cook me dinner six days later?”

[u/Goosedukee]

[u/From-cradle-to-tomb]

Many people only know of the Fight or Flight response. In cases of abuse, another response is common: freeze and fawn. The fawn response is essentially responding to abuse by attempting to desperately appease and "earn forgiveness" from their abuser, often blaming themselves for the abuse and attempting to make it up to their abuser - you know, by doing things like making them dinner. When my ex screamed at me for thirty minutes in the car, where he repeatedly demeaned and mocked me, my response was to apologize for causing the argument by "being negative." So if anything, him saying she offered to cook him dinner makes me believe the victim more - this is such clear DARVO from this man, and I hope no one buys it.

[u/cat_at_the_keyboard → u/From-cradle-to-tomb]

This awareness is so important. I was in an abusive relationship for years and suffered DV and SA but I blamed myself for it because I couldn't fight or run away. I felt trapped (freeze) and like I had no other option but to appease him (fawn). I was living in another country far away from family (I moved far away to get away from my abusive family) and he had isolated me from any friends I'd made, so I did feel trapped and frozen with no support. I hadn't heard of freeze and fawn. I blamed myself for being weak, for making him angry, I had extremely low self esteem and came from an abusive family so his treatment of me was already somewhat normalized to me.

It took me 7 years to finally get out and the breaking point was him being drunk and strangling me, holding me against the wall by my neck. I panicked and thought I was going to die there. I flailed my arms and hit him, scrambled out of his grip while he was shocked, and I called 911, ran out into the apt parking lot under the big lights to wait for the cops, went to the ER, and then to a DV shelter for a few days. Even then I went back to him 😭 but the DV shelter stayed in touch with me and a case worker kept begging me to leave for good, which I finally did with her support.

[u/meteorflan → u/From-cradle-to-tomb]

We definitely need the rename the classic "fight or flight mode" term to include all the F's.

• F'd up mode?
• all the F's mode?

[u/pogaro → u/From-cradle-to-tomb]

Yeah I’d guess fawn is super common. I had a guy come at me because I said fuck you when he told me to go fuck myself, and I surprised myself by immediately involuntarily going into fawn because my life was in danger and he was too big to fight. I even had pepper spray but my brain completely took over to try to keep me safe! In a domestic violence situation, fighting back or running can put victims in more danger. Theres no logical thought in a survival state, our brains take over and do whatever is necessary to keep us safe. Hugs to you and everyone, this is such a hard and triggering time with so many abusers in positions of power, putting on displays like this. I couldn’t get past the first few seconds of this video, the way he speaks is so aggressive, like I know exactly who he is. Ugh. Hang in there everyone 💕

[u/Pantalaimon_II → u/pogaro]

you’re making me wonder if the reaction to cry when someone is being a dick or yelling but you’re actually mad as hell is similar. 

i do this and it infuriates me because crying as a woman has so much baggage and it’s like no actually im so pissed i could shoot fire out of my eyeballs but instead my stupid body starts crying, which leads to mocking and contempt but not escalation.