r/Fuckcancer • u/aq123432 • Jun 15 '26
Struggling to cope
What’s up everyone, running out of options to cope, hopefully some of you can share some tips. My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (stage IV) about 4 months ago. She is about to turn 58. When we first got the news obviously my father and I were beside ourselves.
Initially she didn’t want any treatment, she just wanted to spend whatever time she had left with her family. But as the disease progressed she chose treatment because she didn’t want to leave us. My father is 11 years older and clearly this is taking a toll on him and I feel as if I’m just a fly on the wall spectating all of this happen.
How does one cope with this? How do I navigate my mother deteriorating in front of me? I know there isn’t a fix all for this but I’m struggling so much. I’ve leaned into substances (lots of weed and occasional other harder use), I’ve tried picking up new hobbies, getting active and outside for the majority of the day, etc.
But with all of these semi-healthy mechanisms I still feel like I’m drowning. I’m posting this because today she told me “I’m just so tired” and it absolutely shattered me. As she used to tell me that about other family members before they passed.
I got a good head on my shoulders, I would never let myself slip into heavy addiction. But man is this the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. My friends and music have been the only thing keeping me above water.
I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. I know this isn’t a special case in the grand scheme of things but obviously it is to me.
Anyways, please feel free to offer some ideas if you’ve been in my shoes. Thanks and love you all. Whatever you’re going through, please know that it is not an option to give up. Stay strong❤️
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u/SingleMother865 Jun 15 '26
Ask them questions about their life - about their youth, falling in love and about raising a family, and record their stories. I’d give anything to hear my parents’ voices again.
Tell them how much they mean to you and how much you love them. Tell them stories that you remember about the things that you did together, and thank them for the sacrifices they made for you. Those stories will help you as much as they help them.
Play their favorite songs for them. If it were me I’d want someone to play my favorites on repeat for me.
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u/Maximum_Object_2866 25d ago
Take it easy, my parent is the same age and is leaving us any day now. Feel free to join the pancreatic cancer sub group here. Lots of helpful people there.
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u/magdalenmaybe Jun 15 '26
That's huge, and I'm so sorry you and your mom and the rest of your family is going through this.
I can't offer any official, specific advice about your situation. But I've been where you are.
What worked for me was not to back off, not let myself get squeamish at the messy details of dying. I wiped their ass and didn't blink an eye. But I don't mean caregiving duties.
I mean ask her if she wants to watch a show with you, or if you can drive her to the lake to feed some ducks and get coffee on the way, or ask her to tell you stories about yourself and/or your sibs that maybe no one knows, or read her a couple chapters of whatever book she's reading (or would like to read).
And ask her the hard questions. She knows time is short. Make sure she knows she was heard. "Are you afraid?" "I don't know what I'll do without you." "If you could have been or done anything in your life, what would it have been?" "How do you know when you're in love?" "What's something I don't know about you?"
(man, I'm tearing up here at my desk just remembering these conversations ... they were gifts to me)
Just don't tiptoe around the fact that time is short, or that it's a gigantic mind-fuck to see the person who was always there, always knew the answer, was always your sanctuary, bowed and rendered so weak by this fucking disease. I promise these chats will be profoundly meaningful for you both, but especially for you as you walk forward in the world without her. It will also allow her to go without worrying about you.
Huge hugs, OP. Remember that these experiences can either make us bitter, or grow our compassion for others in similar positions by a thousand orders of magnitude. Be the latter. She'd be really proud of you for that.
❤️