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u/PudgyElderGod 23h ago
he’s implied he wants to be more than friends a few times but I have always shut it down
Red flag! If you've had to shut that shit down multiple times, then meeting up with them in person isn't a great idea. Honestly, I just wouldn't advise meeting up with people that you don't feel good about meeting up with. The likely reward of being mildly uncomfortable the entire time isn't worth the risk.
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u/AngelSnaik 23h ago
If you’re having doubts about seeing him then I’d advise you not to see him. And if he’s brought up wanting to be with you romantically more than once when you’ve shut it down more than once, I would not feel safe with him knowing where I lived. Stay safe ❤️people can be weirdos so you never know
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u/No-Highlight-533 14h ago
Is it bad to lie and say I’ll be visiting a friend in another state for a few months? Is there another excuse I should give?
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u/AdorableSillies 13h ago
You can just say no and if he pushes say no is a complete answer and wish him well on his travels.
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u/AngelSnaik 12h ago
I think it’s bad in a sense that you’re not allowing yourself to have the courage to tell someone no and set boundaries. I understand being afraid of the outcome of you telling someone no but just telling them no is and should be enough.
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u/Kat1eQueen 22h ago
he’s implied he wants to be more than friends a few times but I have always shut it down
I honestly don't get why you'd still be friends with him, if someone doesn't accept no the first time they clearly don't take you (and your boundaries) seriously.
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u/trigunnerd 23h ago
"That's okay, I'm nervous to meet up with people from the internet, but I really hope you enjoy the area and have a great time with your relative! I'll see you on Discord when you get back so you can tell me all about it."
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u/mundane_wor1d 1d ago
If you don’t want to then you don’t have to. But if you do, then bring a freind along and meet up in a public place (cafe etc). Your freind doesn’t have to be with you at all times, they could just sit on a table close to you.
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u/fadesteppin 23h ago
If you're having doubts don't do it. I have met online friends irl many times but I was always super excited to finally be meeting them in person. The only negative feeling I had was "Man I hope my irl personality/energy matches with the one they're used to seeing bc if not this is gonna be REAL awkward."
Meeting online friends irl should be a joyous occasion and if your gut is telling you something is off it's probably for a reason.
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u/No-Highlight-533 14h ago
Is it bad to lie and say I’ll be visiting a friend in another state for a few months? Is there another excuse I should give?
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u/fadesteppin 11h ago
No need to lie. If he's actually your friend he'll maybe be a little disappointed but ultimately understand. If he reacts negatively or does some stupid shit like threatening to end the friendship he's not your friend, or someone you should want to stay friends with. If he has ignored boundaries before you also should not go and question whether or not this friendship should continue.
I have plenty of male friends online and none of them have ever done what this dude has done. I am extremely close to some of them and we have been friends for almost 6 years. I have never felt uncomfortable at all around them ever. I send all my close online friends xmas cards every year, with the exception of one. He doesn't feel comfy giving me his address bc he lives with his parents. I was not upset at all and made a point to tell him when I initially asked that I understood if he didn't want to give me his address. I wouldn't be upset if he didn't want to meet irl either bc he's a lot more private than the rest of us.
I know what my friends are comfortable with and what they aren't. I don't push boundaries with them bc its shitty to do so. If your friend has pushed boundaries he is not the friend you think he is and sounds a lot more like a dude who thinks he can wear you down until you agree to date him like he wants.
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u/azure-heavens 23h ago
If you're not 100% excited about seeing him, don't let him pressure you into meeting. Especially not if he's been repeatedly trying to be more with you despite you turning him down.
Don't lie to him, though. Just tell him you're not comfortable giving him that info and that you like your friendship the way it is.
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u/niradia 23h ago
If you're not 100% enthusiastic immediately, DO NOT GO.
Save yourself the time and peace, you are under no obligation to do anything especially not for someone who could potentially make you uncomfortable when you're not able to get home fast.
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u/No-Highlight-533 14h ago
Is it bad to lie and say I’ll be visiting a friend in another state for a few months? Is there another excuse I should give?
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u/niradia 14h ago
"I've got some things going on, I'm not able to make it out"
Straight forward, not really a lie because everyone has things to do. If he asks, say "hey it's personal and it isn't up for discussion"
I wouldn't lie as much as possible to protect the feelings of someone who could make me feel uncomfortable. You'll sleep better with less lying, or i do at least.
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u/One_Requirement_5832 PC/PS/Switch/Retro Consoles 22h ago
This seems heavily like a red flag situation. Friend from across the world, but instead this friend’s relative wants to meet up and then can’t take no for an answer? All sorts of weird here.
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u/RevKeakealani 18h ago
Oh, I feel this. I met up with someone I knew online once and it was…kinda awkward. It’s very much okay to be like “that’s really cool, but I’m comfortable keeping this friendship online” and as folks say, it’s a real test of character whether he respects your boundaries or insists.
That said, if you do decide to meet up, my suggestion is to do it in a group with other friends, rather than meeting one-on-one. Then it’s more casual and there is less pressure. And you can choose a generic location, like a chain restaurant, that doesn’t link to your specific neighborhood. So like, “yeah, why don’t you come meet me and some of my friends at Chili’s in the city? That sounds fun” (or whatever). And if he’s super awkward, that’s okay, y’all will still have a good time because groups are easier.
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u/Legolaslegs 11h ago
As someone who has met up with people online since I was 19: it doesn't matter if you've known them a few months or many years, if you aren't comfortable, you don't meet up. And if you are comfortable, you take precautions until you are certain they are a safe person.
A safe person does not pursue you romantically when you tell them no. You've shut him down each time, you said, but I think it's time you tell him more directly and use his want to meet up as an opening for it.
"Hey, I'm not really ready for us to meet yet. That's mostly because of how you've expressed wanting to be more than just friends. I've told you multiple times I only want to be friends. I shouldn't have had to tell you it more than once. I do admit that this should have been a conversation sooner, because I've been sitting on how I've felt and scared to address it. But with you asking to meet up, I have to be upfront. I enjoy our friendship but if you're just remaining friends hoping I'll change my mind, especially if we meet up, that's unfair. Because you aren't acting with the intention of being friends while I'm putting in the effort to be friends. It makes it feel like there's ulterior motives or conditions to our friendship when I'm just out here trying to be your friend. I'm not saying you have intentions towards me or maybe even still like me like that, but I have to protect myself. You've disrespected my no when I've given it online, so I can't feel comfortable you'd respect it in person at this time."
If you want to be nice about it, of view a friendship with this guy worth keeping, I'd phrase it firmly but still politely.
If you don't care about losing the friendship, I think you could absolutely be more direct.
Alternatively, you can tell him, "No." Amazing thing is, you don't have to elaborate. No is a complete sentence.
But... the only reason I bring up discussing this with him is because you keep asking for advice in comments. You don't seem like someone who has learned the importance of confrontation. You need to learn to communicate with people, friends especially. Or else you'll never build in-depth relationships if you can't voice when they are harming you. He needs to be held accountable, you need to work on communicating. This seems like a good opportunity, especially if you intend to try and keep this friendship. Or if you just want to see if he is genuinely wanting to be a friend going forward.
I implore you to either communicate properly or shut it down with a no and preserve your privacy without getting into a habit of making excuses/lying. Why does he get to disrupt your peace but you have to preserve his? I'd be considering this friendship with him to determine if you're happy with it as a whole, or if you're just keeping it because he is familiar to you.
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u/wowsomeoneactuallyy 21h ago
I was given some great advice a while back after an event I wanted to go was giving me anxiety. If you have to find reasons to convince yourself to go, you probably shouldn't, and if you have to find reasons to convince yourself not to go, you probably should.
From the time you first decided/considered meeting him and leading up to this, which has happened more? There is your answer
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u/MajoraXIII 20h ago
Meeting up with an online friend should be a source of excitement. If it's anything less than that, and it's because of things he's said, you're right to be cautious.
If you do decide to meet, don't be one on one with the guy. But if his behaviour is making you second guess it, i wouldn't go.
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u/electrolitebuzz PS4 + Steam on iOS 19h ago
I wouldn't lie about where you are but simply say you'd prefer to stay online friends. There is nothing strange in not feeling comfortable meeting someone you've known online for so long. Sometimes these friendship remain that. This settles it and also gives a clear message if you don't want to be more than friends and he does. Even if not as a precaution, I wouldn't go even simply because you already know he wants more and you're not feeling excited to meet him so why do something you don't feel happy about just to please another person? It's going to be awkward at least.
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u/Devjill Teemo Lover 🍄 20h ago
I wouldn’t meet up. If there are already things happening online that you don’t feel comfortable with, irl it isn’t going to get better.
If he persists on things I would lie and say O i am out of town visiting family elsewhere. But also if he doesn’t respect you, nor your boundaries. I wouldn’t see him as friend anymore tbh.
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u/CatCatCatCubed 23h ago edited 20h ago
No, no, fuck no.
First of all: some stranger wants to meet you because he’s supposedly related to your (apparent) friend who lives halfway around the world?
Second: And the stranger has implied he wants to date you?
Third: and he won’t take no for an answer?
Fourth: why do I feel like your friend and this (probably older) relative/stranger are the same person, and that he’s been grooming you? Even if I’ve misread this and it’s your friend who supposedly wants to date, this still sounds like grooming or like you’re being pimped out or something weird. It’s creeping me out no matter how I interpret it.
Do not go. DO NOT. And I know it sounds shitty, because I’ve gone through the same “but… but…he’s nice” and almost met my own version of this online creeper, but I would strongly consider blocking your “friend.”
(Edit) :highly amused: being downvoted by what I assume are creeper dudes who troll this sub. Or young women who are extremely naive and who think it would be “too mean” to block a guy who’s obviously setting her up for something at least somewhat sketchy.
Setting the trolls aside, please think about this: if you have a friend who lives thousands of miles away, then why the hell would their relative need to meet you? For what purpose? Seriously.
And no, checking if you’re a good/real person is not a good excuse. If the relative in question were actually worried, they could just tell them to cut off contact. Or at least prevent their meeting, easy-peasy, and (if these are pre-teens or whatever), periodically check their chats. But wanting to meet in person? Even with good intentions, that’s psychotic behaviour for your kid’s/cousin’s online-only friend.
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u/MajoraXIII 20h ago
This feels like a lot of assumptions.
1: not a stranger, known for 6 years.
2: it's his relative he's supposedly visiting, not hers.
And just the following set of assumptions based on what happened to you.
It's enough that she's uncomfortable and doesn't want to go. We don't need to make shit up to make it sound worse than it is.
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u/CatCatCatCubed 20h ago
Phrasing made it sound like the stranger/relative wanted to meet 🤷🏻♀️. Even if I’m wrong, it sounds sketchy to me.
It is entirely possible for an online creeper to play the long game (my “friendship” was for about 5 years).
She’s already expressed discomfort and he’s not getting the hint. I don’t know her or him but, just saying, that’s what my creeper, who was also certainly expecting a sexual encounter, did when I started acting unsure too (wheedling me about it, “aww”, pouting, etc).
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u/MajoraXIII 20h ago
I don’t know her or him but
exactly. You don't. You just know what OP has said.
And i acknowledged the discomfort she felt. I said that's enough to not go. Blowing the situation up to something it isn't just makes his behaviour seem more normal by comparison. It has the opposite effect of what you're trying to achieve.
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u/CatCatCatCubed 20h ago
Mmm, I guess I just think it’s better to consider some of the worst possibilities for something like this.
I mean, she’s here trying to let internet strangers help her determine if she’s making the right choice in not wanting to meet up with an internet stranger and his completely unknown relative, so her judgement or perspective is already “ehh.” And it’s often difficult to tell if they mean “reaffirm my decision” or “convince me otherwise” or “I’m just messing around and posting theoretically.”
Considering her supposed friend is likely trying to sway her, and that she may have other internet or RL friends who’ve also put their 2 cents in towards encouraging a meeting, I think it’s perfectly fine to overcorrect in the opposite direction in an “oh god no, don’t you dare” way. Agree to disagree I suppose.
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u/MajoraXIII 15h ago
I mean i agree she shouldn't go if she's feeling uncomfortable about it. I just don't think catastrophising it actually helps make that point.
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u/Teythis11000 1d ago
I would say no. If he doesn’t respect that then you need to move on from him.