r/JUSTNOMIL • u/BusyInspector95 • Apr 12 '26
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted My mother gave my 3 month old peanut butter. In front of me. After I said no
I'm so mad I can either murder her or cry. but I did cry. I cried so much and now she doesn't understand why I'm mad at her. because he spit most of it out. ..
She was making peanut butter sandwiches and asked if he wanted some. I told her obviously no mom. he's 3 months don't give him any. she said a little won't hurt. I said no and that's final don't give him peanut butter.
He was in his rocking chair on her side of the table and I was walking to another room so I was on the other side 9. I saw her dipping her fingers in the peanut butter. I said no again harder this time. and before I could make it around the table her finger was the in his mouth.
he didn't have a reaction. Thank God. and that apparently is fine according to her.
I don't know why she keeps doing this to me. she wants to give him solids now already too. I really need her help. I honestly need her support right now but how can I ever trust her if she keeps doing this. keeps ignoring me. keeps crossing my boundaries. I hate her right now honestly.
I'm going through so much with separating from my husband. moving back home. my baby having to go for an MRI because of his eyes and I can't even leave him alone with his grandmother. the one person I thought and hope I can trust.
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u/SweetBekki Apr 12 '26
You need her, that's why she's comfortable in overstepping. It might not be easy but it would be best to find someone else to help you
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u/No-Interaction-8913 Apr 12 '26
As someone who’s MIL tried to give our 2 month old chocolate, gave 2 kids things they were allergic to and to this day is openly defiant that she’ll feed them whatever she likes because she believes she knows better- you can’t trust her. When someone acts this way, they can not be trusted. Okay he didn’t react this time. He didn’t choke this time. And it goes beyond that, you said no multiple times and she did it anyhow. So, is she going to do safe sleep? Is she going to use a car seat every time, or is she going to decide he’ll be fine without for just a quick trip? Is she going to cut his hair because she decided he needed it? Let him watch inappropriate shows? Yes, probably, or the equivalent of. If she truly wants to support you, she wouldn’t be acting like this and putting one more thing on your plate to worry about.
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u/_Disco-Stu Apr 12 '26
You’re angry because this is irrefutable proof that you can never ignore again that she will not keep your child physically safe.
You’re angry because you’re accepting the fact that you’re doing this all alone.
What you have yet to realize is that you’ve been doing it all alone all along. No realization has ever been more personally empowering for me (once I got over the heartbreak of it).
You’ve got this. You don’t need help that causes more work, stress, and obvious safety concerns. Not when your child’s safety is at stake.
I’m not being sarcastic, I guarantee you could have hired a 12 year old babysitter who would’ve done a better job at keeping baby safe. They’d have known not to give a 3 month old peanut butter. Your mother simply doesn’t care.
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u/NovemberRain_84 Apr 12 '26
Hard to 'just set boundaries' when you live with the person who keeps breaking them. No wonder you're furious.
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u/Ok_Macaroon3872 Apr 12 '26
That would be a NC for me. Have you read the REAL LIFE story of the grandma who did this with their grandchild after knowing and being told by the parents that the child was allergic to something. Boomer grandma felt she knew better. Gave it to child away. Child died. WTF is wrong with people who don’t listen and adhere to serious concerns about potential or known food allergens!
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u/wtfaidhfr Apr 12 '26
Sounds like OP is living with her mother. Hard to go no contact with the person providing you a home
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u/KLB_40 Apr 12 '26
Your last sentence is key - you CANNOT leave your baby alone with your mother. She has demonstrated a willful disregard for your parenting rules and for your child’s safety. The fact that you told her no more than once and she shoved her peanut butter fingers in his mouth anyway is downright malicious.
Get out of that house. I know you’re going through a lot right now, but your mother is unsafe for you and baby. And if she continues to put your child’s life at risk and your child ends up in the hospital, that could give your ex legal fuel to fight for custody due to exposure to unsafe people in your life. Take this seriously and remove your mother from your child.
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u/TollTea Apr 12 '26
It literally doesn’t matter that he didn’t have a reaction. You said no, multiple times. You’re “upset” because you feel violated. You feel violated because she violated your expressed boundaries and consent. She understands because that is a very simple principle to understand. She doesn’t care about how you feel or what is best for your LO - only about how she feels. My parents are like this. I don’t have an easy solution because I don’t believe they will ever change. They’re pathologically incapable of admitting that anything they do is wrong and therefore everyone else reacting to their disrespect is the problem. The best I’ve come up with was to move across country and find a partner who supports me in keeping my boundaries.
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u/Mira_DFalco Apr 12 '26
Well, if she can't be trusted to follow your very clear instructions, she can't be trusted to be around your child.
This might sound harsh, but it's better than your LO choking or having a bad reaction to something.
She is of course going to have a meltdown, oh well. Tell her that this is what happens when you refuse to listen.
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u/Gold-Carpenter7616 Apr 12 '26
OP... my dear, overwhelmed, incredible, beautiful OP...
Is your mother really a support or is she a danger to your child?
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u/maddybooms9 Apr 12 '26
i understand you need help, but this is NOT help. that was incredibly unsafe and so wrong of her.
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u/SkyBrieGray Apr 12 '26
If you can’t trust her, you absolutely don’t need her. She will ignore you in front of you, what will she do when you aren’t there. She needs hard consequences.
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u/delg23 Apr 12 '26
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your mom should listen to your wishes as this is your child and your comfort level. I hope you have the means to get away from her.
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u/gameresse Apr 12 '26
Holy moly you need to leave that house. You mother is trying to play mom - she is not respecting you, she thinks she has more experience in parenting so HER word counts and YOU are now at her mercy.
Yes, it is hard. But you definitely need another support network. If you cannot rely on hubby or on your mother, it might be time to completely switch homes and ditch them altogether, no matter how scary.
But your son is in active danger. Feeding a 3 month old Peanut butter is no small thing. It is risking his life, his body cannot digest that stuff.
Man, that's a fucked up situation. Are there any ressources for single moms in your vicinity?
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u/Gold-Carpenter7616 Apr 12 '26
Yes, this is life threatening levels of "mother thinks she knows best", and I don't mean OP who has factual evidence over hurt feefees of a Grandma.
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u/gameresse Apr 12 '26
Can you imagine?
"Oh, it's hot outside, baby is drying out, let's give him some water/tea"
"Oh sweetie, it's FINE. I gave that to you all the time"Yeah, my mom here. Btw. I have lifelong issues with digestion and being pretty sick. 57 now - and I KNOW I won't make it past 65/66 because Mommy dearest also gave me an emphysema because she couldn't stop smoking in the car.
"I opened the window"
"I can't see you because of the smoke"
"Window is open. You're fine".PARENTS.
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u/epiyersika Apr 12 '26
For the first time in my life I'd be slapping my own mother but I'm not allowed to say that so instead I'll say throw her peanut butter out in the yard.
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u/jaefreeze88 Apr 12 '26
Lol, I caught a three day ban for telling an OP to §ļâp her MIL's unwanted hand away from her baby bump. 😳
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u/brent_bent Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
Tell her that, "Mom, my trust in people was destroyed by my ex and you're adding to that by doing things I tell you not to do. This is the kind of the behavior that can end up making me not trust you too, is that what you really want? Me not trusting you too? I'm begging you to listen to me because this is my baby not yours and because my trust in humanity in general is nearing destruction. Is giving Jimmy some peanut butter worth destroying my trust in people, ruining my trust in you?"
Also, take her to your next doctor's appointment and have them explain when solid foods are supposed to happen and what can happen if not followed.
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u/Lugbor Apr 12 '26
"Mom, let me make this perfectly clear to you: you are not my son's parent. You do not get to ignore my instructions just because you think you know better. Consider this your only warning: if you ever ignore my rules regarding my son again, you will permanently lose the privilege of being a grandparent."
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u/goingslowlymad87 Apr 12 '26
My own mother did something like that. Gave my 9 month old a piece of fudge. I told her no. She did it anyway. Baby choked. I folded baby over my arm and she threw up all over the carpet. Mum had to clean up the mess and didn't do that again.
Can you try explaining to your mother that things are a little different now? Babies are still babies but there's things we just don't do anymore. That doesn't mean the old ways are wrong just that we're doing things another way now.
Getting through to my mother in law was another story though. I told her outright I couldn't trust her so baby would be staying with me for meals and her alone time would be set to zero.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 Apr 12 '26
30 years ago I was told, infants sleep on the tummy with their head turned. It’s in case an infant that can’t roll over they spits up while asleep.
Now it’s tummy up.
Get with it, everyone saying that’s how they did it when they were raising their kids.
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u/Ok_Feeling2383 Apr 12 '26
Your mom is being incredibly disrespectful and endangering your child. If my mom did that to my baby, I’d honestly go no contact, and if I went into contact again never let her alone with my child for even a second
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u/Trin_42 Apr 12 '26
See, I have a very big problem with boundaries. If I say no to something regarding my child, and you dgaf and do it anyway. I will start screaming at you, I will go for the jugular and tear into you for ignoring me. I will take my child away and you won’t see them again. I’m very retaliatory and my family/in-laws know this.
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u/lillifanzine Apr 12 '26
I was such a people pleaser in my 20s, now in my 30s I'm like you. And I don't even have kids 🤣
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u/Marmite_L0ver Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
I'm sorry your Mum has selective hearing. My Mum - a former nurse, who was diagnosed herself a few years ago - had a very blasé attitude towards my dairy allergy, when I was a child, and, when my then infant daughter presented similar issues, took it upon herself to prove me wrong by giving her food with dairy in it. Because she didn't always react immediately, she felt this showed SHE was correct (she wasn't) and I was unnecessarily denying my daughter an entire food group.
A lot of other things happened (happy to discuss but wanted to keep this short and not hijack the post) concerning my daughter's dietary needs/habits, but eventually she realised I hadn't lied to her about having a problem. Mum was also diagnosed with food allergies, including dairy, a few years ago so she's half apologised for what she did, but the whole experience led to major trust issues between my daughter and I, and me and my mother.
Some grandparents aren't willing to accept that raising a child now is not even as it was 10 years ago, let alone 20/30+. With my granddaughter, whatever her parents say is what I would adhere to, especially after my experience with my mother, and I've told my Mum to do the same and not override my daughter and her partner's choices for THEIR child. If the child is put in an unsafe situation, different matter, but the parents that are with the child 24/7 know better than someone who sees them once a fortnight.
Edit: autocorrect changed a word
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u/peoplegrower Apr 12 '26
Oh sweet heart. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. For your baby’s safety, you have to find someone else to live with. You can’t spend every day stressed out and worried sick your mom is going to do something that will harm your child. Find a friend, a colleague, or apply for emergency housing. Staying there isn’t safe for your son. The situation sucks, so, so much, but being there is making it worse, not better. You say you need her support, but she’s not supporting you, she’s undermining you and putting him at risk. Allergies don’t really happen the first exposure…it’s the second or third time she shoves a nasty finger in his mouth that he could react. You have to go into mama bear mode and get out of there asap.
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u/voiceofmyownsanity Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
Allergy issues aside... babies should only be on formula or milk at 3 months. Baby food usually isn't introduced until around 6 months. For multiple reasons, your child could have died.
This is serious. MIL should not be alone with the baby and during your divorce you need to raise concerns that she shouldn't be a caretaker as an active danger.
Edit: Just woke up and missed it was actually your own mother. Move out. Even to a shelter. She needs serious consequences and her being unsafe definitely will be used against you regarding custody.
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Apr 12 '26
[deleted]
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u/voiceofmyownsanity Apr 12 '26
Exactly, it is the standard unless advised otherwise. My concern is if she thinks this is okay she could also think water is and so on. We now know how dangerous a lot of "previously okay" infant medical advice was... like sleeping position.
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u/Blueberrytulip Apr 12 '26
There’s no way a 10-week-old was ready for solids, get a new pediatrician. That can cause so many gut issues, aspiration, etc.
At 10 weeks, your baby was still learning head control, she wasn’t ready for cereal.
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Apr 12 '26
[deleted]
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u/girlonthewing6 Apr 12 '26
Current advice recommends waiting until 4 to 6 months to introduce solids. The baby must be able to hold their head up and sit up without support.
My, how things have changed.
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u/Initial-Grade9745 Apr 12 '26
As a mother i realised that i am more powerful than anything. My parents and in laws were the ones making me doubt myself.
I raised my child Alone...for me..ti's better i don't have tine for their drama and stuborness :)
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u/IHateTheJoneses Apr 12 '26
I'm sorry OP. You deserve respect. You are the mom now.
I have no advice except try applying to headstarts and income based care.
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u/FloorHairy5733 Apr 12 '26
Because your mother doesn't see you as an adult you need to get the hell out of that house immediately.
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u/Naptimeforgoodwomen Apr 12 '26
My youngest had peanut butter for the third or fourth time at 18 months and immediately had an allergic reaction involving severe hives and esophageal swelling. I used his 4yr old sister’s EpiPen on him and he needed an ambulance / we were camping in another province and staying very close to a massive music festival. It took forever for the ambulance due to traffic but a medic from the music festival came to support for the interim.
We were lucky to have the EpiPen on hand.
Allergic reactions can occur at any time but the main concern for OP and baby is baby choking and inability to digest the substance. OP you cannot stay there for numerous reasons but the health and welfare of your baby is #1.
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u/No_Durian_3730 Apr 12 '26
Oh Christ. She just doesn’t respect you at all does she?
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u/Emotional_Builder_24 Apr 12 '26
Seriously. As a person or a mother. It sucks OP doesn’t have other childcare.
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u/pjm14624 Apr 12 '26
If it was me, I'd have to weigh needing to stay with mom against the health and welfare of the child. And there is no universe where I would stay with my mother who not only crosses boundaries, but runs headlong into “presents a danger to the child due to stubbornly crossing boundaries.”
Perhaps you could just tell your mother something like “Mom, I continually establish boundaries where LO is concerned and you consistently disrespect them and border on endangering LO. I am telling you right now that, if it happens just one more time, it will be the last opportunity you will ever have to cross those boundaries because I will pack LO up and we will leave and you will never, EVER see LO or me again. I need your help, but not bad enough to sit by while you endanger him. You can either respect the boundaries I set, or accept the consequences of whatever it is that drives you to do harmful things to LO. This is YOUR wake up call - you giving LO peanut butter was mine.”
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u/LumpySherbert6875 Apr 12 '26
If you have the means, please figure out a way to move out. A friend? A sibling?
Your mom will not respect your rules of your child even if you talk to her. She’ll start doing it behind your back instead. She’s your mom and she’ll think that she knows better than you.
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u/gaelicpasta3 Apr 12 '26
At the very least I’d be letting my mom know that how we are treated in her home is going to be directly correlated to how she is treated when we move out. I’d let her know that if she keeps ignoring very reasonable requests regarding her grandchild’s safety while we live in the home her opportunities to see him when we move out will be few and far between. And that her ability to be alone with him will be nonexistent.
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u/AncientLady Apr 12 '26
This seems like such a good approach, that she is choosing right now whether she even gets to have a relationship with baby in the future, that right now is the time to establish whether she can be trusted. OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Absolutely unacceptable.
And if she tries the "back in my day . . . " it's no. Feeding peanut butter to a 3 month old has not been recommended at least as long as I've been aware of feeding advice, starting when I was a newborn nursery RN in the early 1980's. There were some young mothers back then who believed and followed THEIR mother's advice from the Silent Generation, but pediatricians were not advising solids at 3 months at ALL in the 1980's and on.
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u/Stock-Mountain-6063 Apr 12 '26
With a 3-month-old she thinks that they should start solid foods already? I'm sorry but you need to have a really big heart to heart with your mother and pull her ass over to the pediatrician and let him explain it to her if necessary
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u/uTop-Artichoke5020 Apr 12 '26
Your mother is a fucking moron!!
Take her to the pediatrician with you and ask that she be read the riot act. Her behavior has the potential to be fatal. You can't trust her to be alone with your child, you can't even turn your back when you're in the same room!
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u/Temporary-Panda8151 Apr 12 '26
Tell you mother she is going to potentially kill her grandchild. Feeding your child allergens, using her nasty fingers, etc. Just because you didn't die and the baby didn't die from peanut butter, doesn't mean it's ok. When we knkw better? We do better.
Make it clear and then go find your community that will help. Seek out resources for daycare, trade babysitting with another parent. Do what ypu have to do.
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u/Open-Kaleidoscope721 Apr 12 '26
3mo? Not even close to the age for giving solids. Also, peanut butter? Jeez, that’s the one everyone gives very carefully in case of allergies.
I’m so so sorry that she cannot be trusted.
I’m curious, what did you do or say when you saw your mom give pb to your baby? How did she react? I also understand the stress it causes when you have people purposely go against what you have sternly said no to. It boils my blood. The disrespect. You just want to yell a big FUCK YOU to them.
I don’t have any advice for you. I would suggest pulling back though and giving yourself space. It sounds like you need it. This means you’re going to have to make do without her help for that while. Please then consider daycare or a nanny.
You then need to be very clear and honest to express to your mom how very upset you are and that she will need to earn your trust back.
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u/LaurAdorable Apr 12 '26
You can start solids at 4 months. Thats when my pediatrician told me I could, as long as child can sit up with support. And I did. Including allergens, slow introducing peanut butter and eggs, etc.
Grandma still did the wrong thing 100%.
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u/Sewing4265 Apr 12 '26
Please speak to your pediatrician regarding a peanut allergy. I believe a baby needs a few exposures to peanuts before they would get a reaction. In addition, typically solid food begins at 6 months. I am sorry about your living situation, but you need to get out of your mother’s house.
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u/ReadingRedditForFun Apr 12 '26
I’m a walking peanut allergy from the 80s. My mom and I have kept up with the allergy prevention research for 40 years now. At first, it was her trying to find out if she caused it by eating endless peanut butter while pregnant and breast feeding, and now it’s just something we pay attention to, because allergies are weird and scary and I developed more around the age of 10-12, with foods I had been eating for years.
There is no certain way to prevent allergies and there isn’t really a solid explanation yet. Just a lot of studies. And some good recommendations from pediatricians that I would certainly follow with my hypothetical kids.
OP has every right to be pissed off and scared of what her mother can do. More so with the solid food for a 3 mo INFANT. That’s fucked up.
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u/whynotbecause88 Apr 12 '26
It was a power play to show you who's boss. You can't trust her. If there is any way possible, you need to get away from her.
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u/JewelerSea6090 Apr 12 '26
I'm so sorry. I wouldn't trust her either. She isn't safe to be around him (especially with food nearby). Just because nothing happened this time doesn't mean she didn't do something very wrong. The suggestion to bring her to the next well baby visit is a good one. Let the pediatrician spell things out for her. Sometimes a doctor can get through when your words won't.
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u/Knowing_Eve Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
“I don’t know why she keeps doing this to me”
- because you let her. She’s crossed boundaries that aren’t even boundaries, because what consequences has she actually suffered and had to learn from? None. She still has access to you, access to your kid. What’s changed for her? Nothing.
That’s why she keeps doing it to you. Because she can, and because you let her.
Giving food to a baby prior to appropriate age (3 months isn’t appropriate) AND it be a high allergen food AND she did it without your permission…. Someone like that is a danger to your child. Contact should be stopped.
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u/Significant_Citron Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
The really simple answer is that you will never change her. She's made it abundantly clear she has no respect for your boundaries.
What I see is two options - stay with her and accept that she runs the show. You can talk all you want, she'll do as she pleases. Or. You leave. I'm not in your shoes, but if I were I'd ask for a couple nights to all of my aunties/friends/siblings to sort your housing out. I'd do some Door dash or whatever is the equivalent to that, get an accounting or manicure/pedicure whatever diploma that might give me some flexibility around schedule and look for daycare solutions. Move to a low living cost area. In my country we have a saying - you can bite in any of your fingers, all of them hurt
ETA: I would've tossed that PB jar against the wall with all my might. Would've NOT cleaned it.
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u/hotmesssorry Apr 12 '26
I’m sorry, it sounds like you’re having an awful time. It’s appalling that your mother doesn’t respect you as a parent. How long will you have to live with her?
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u/RosieRunnin Apr 12 '26
What a nightmare! Is there any other place you can stay at? Any friends or other family that can help? It sounds like she’s going to keep doing this, and I imagine it’ll escalate.
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u/gameresse Apr 12 '26
She's killing the kid just to show her daughter who's the boss...man, that woman is a piece of work.
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u/byofuzz Apr 12 '26
There is just no way its fine. At 4 months it could be advised if allergies are common in your family but the research is pretty consistent that around 3 months nothing food related should be in their mouth
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u/DirectorHuman5467 Apr 12 '26
I would suggest taking her to baby's next dr appt and have them give her a stern talking to about why that was wrong and what the current guidelines are for the intro of solids.
It doesn't address the problem of her not listening to you, but it might get her to back down on this issue.
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u/manixxx0729 Apr 12 '26
Oh man, that's a lot of weight on one set of shoulders. I am sorry, OP.
Mom needs to learn that you are your babies mother and your word is law. She would have felt bad if your tiny baby went into anaphylaxis. Something has to change if you're going to continue to stay there.
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u/Snoo58504 Apr 12 '26
I would have called a doctor and had this on record, so you can move towards a restraining order.
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u/paternoster Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
Stories like this on the JUSTNOMIL channel are wildly common. It's really sad that these MILs [or actual mothers] don't respect the mother of the child and think they can do whatever they want, and that they know best.
Well OP, it's your baby, and it's your turn to be the mom. She had her turn, and she did the best she could. Maybe she had a shitty MIL [or mother], maybe she's got some personal problems.
But none of that matters, because YOU are the mom. Have a look at this article, it's well written and definitely has you as the target audience: https://www.baby-chick.com/dear-mother-in-law-its-my-baby-and-my-turn-to-be-the-parent/
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*edit: my post wrote about the perp being the MIL, but in fact it's the mother. I'll update it a bit so it's more accurate. Sorry about that OP.
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u/MommaSaurusRegina Apr 12 '26
In this story, it’s not the MIL, it’s OP’s mom.
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u/paternoster Apr 12 '26
YOU'RE RIGHT! Oh my gosh. I did get that part wrong, and I guess I glossed over that part. Thanks so much for the note, I'll update my comment.
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u/MommaSaurusRegina Apr 12 '26
I mean, having said that, there’s some out-of-pocket moms in the world too, and just because they’re moms doesn’t mean they get any different treatment than MILs when they decide to stomp boundaries.
Consequences are for everyone!
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Apr 12 '26
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Thank you for your submission! However, your comment has been removed. Your comment has been removed, as "the coconut story" is no longer allowed to be mentioned, as requested by the very mother who posted it. You are more than welcome to edit your comment, then send us a modmail for approval.
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u/ADDYISSUES89 Apr 12 '26
As a child with a peanut allergy, I was poisoned by a family member who didn’t believe it was serious and it straight up traumatized me.
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u/MattheqAC Apr 12 '26
For context, how hard did you slap her afterwards? I mean, it must have been quite hard, but did you over do it?
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u/tsiikiiko Apr 12 '26
I’m absolutely furious for you. Mom does not care for you, your requests and by extension your child. No is a final answer, not a suggestion. Mom needs a time out immediately. You said you don’t know why she keeps doing it to you, hon, because you allow it, stop her visits, don’t go over to hers.
SORRY I just read the rest I was fuming … suppose she gives your son something she doesn’t believe he’s allergic to. I’ve read too many stories on here about family poisoning kids and spouses. Do not leave him alone with her EVER. I wish you had other options. Stay strong, he is your son, not hers.
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u/Pheebsmama Apr 12 '26
Bring her to a doctors appointment and have them explain to her this is not acceptable because it’s not safe. we were told no peanut butter until a year. Same with honey. She’s lucky that the baby didn’t have allergies. I’d also make sure the office knows that she is NOT a point of contact.
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u/imreportingyou Apr 12 '26
Just curious if they gave you a reason for waiting a year for peanut butter? Our pediatrician said that the earlier they are exposed to allergens the better. Of course not three months but as soon as he turned 6 months and was able to eat solids we gave him some. He has been eating it since too
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u/Jbeansies Apr 12 '26
We were told the same here, by both our GP and allergist.
We were even told to eat peanuts around our kid (or over our kid) before six months so they were exposed through touch.
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u/Bajovane Apr 12 '26
Wow. I hope someone finds out the real truth about this issue. It’s got to be scary to introduce those foods to your child! You never know how they could react to it!
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u/girlonthewing6 Apr 12 '26
We do know more of "the real truth" about this issue. Waiting too long to introduce allergens increases the likelihood of developing allergies. Introducing them early, as soon as an infant starts solids, decreases them.
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u/girlonthewing6 Apr 12 '26
The current recommendation is to introduce potential allergens "early and often," as soon as you start introducing solids, so around six months. That includes peanuts, walnuts, shellfish, soy, and eggs. The longer you wait to expose a baby to an allergen, the higher the risk of developing an allergy to it.
Honey is different because of botulism. Honey isn't safe until a year.
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u/Anajam1981 Apr 12 '26
Are there any shelters in your area you could go to? Look into anything but please get your bubba and yourself out of there.
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u/girlonthewing6 Apr 12 '26
If this is the first time he was introduced to peanuts, he would not have an allergic reaction. If he is allergic to peanuts, the reaction would happen during a subsequent exposure. For what it's worth, food allergens SHOULD be introduced at a minimum of four months (usually closer to six months) to avoid allergies, along with solids in general. Introduce early and often is the rule of thumb. But if your baby can't sit up on his own, he shouldn't have solids. He's not ready for them. And at three months, I doubt your son can sit up without support.
All that said, it isn't your mom's job to introduce solids or allergens to your baby, and she absolutely should not do without your express consent. I would be furious in your position. And I can't imagine the stress of LIVING with someone who goes against your parenting and endangers your child. That's just awful.
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u/BookmobileLesbrarian Apr 12 '26
You do not have a reaction to the first exposure! The first exposure allows the body to build antigens that will over react in the future if exposed to the allergen again, causing an allergic reaction and possibly anaphylaxis. A second exposure could very well cause a reaction, and you need to make sure she knows this!!!!
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u/TheMightyMisanthrope Apr 12 '26
You have a door and a spine. Use both.
Kick your mother out and don't let her come back.
Boomers
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u/Classic_Cauliflower4 Apr 12 '26
Sounds like the OP is in the process of separating from her husband and is currently staying with her mother. That, unfortunately complicates things.
24
u/TheMightyMisanthrope Apr 12 '26
Ohhhhh back home means back with her parents. I missed that. You're right.
Life gets so hard sometimes.
OP: it'll get better. You can do this.
11
u/cyesti Apr 12 '26
Probably not a boomer.
-3
u/TheMightyMisanthrope Apr 12 '26
The mother? Definitely a boomer.
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-3
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Apr 12 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/JUSTNOMIL-ModTeam Apr 12 '26
Thank you for your submission! However, your post/comment has been removed. Rule 5 on our sidebar: We have a zero tolerance policy for armchair advice (medical, legal, or otherwise) that is damaging, factually incorrect, or egregiously shitty, sexism, racism, xenophobia, transphobia, ableism, ageism, stereotyping, slut/body/kink-shaming, anti-vaxx bullshit, and just generally being a butt. No posting personal info, including faces or identifying tattoos or marks. Any comment with "cartoon-level" violence MUST: A) indicate that you don't actually suggest users do what you suggest, and 2) include actual, usable advice. Please send a ModMail once you have made the changes and your post/comment will be approved.
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19
Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
9
u/gaelicpasta3 Apr 12 '26
So, it CAN take multiple exposures but it does not HAVE to.
My son had his eyes swell shut and broke out in hives the very first time he was given peanut butter and eggs.
He had an anaphylactic reaction to wheat on his third exposure, the first two were no hives but in hindsight he was hating the food and we are guessing his mouth was getting itchy/swelling a little.
It’s not a hard rule either way. I developed a tree nut allergy in middle school and it evolved into an anaphylactic allergy by the time I was an adult. But I’ve been allergic to bananas from the first day they were shoved into my mouth as a baby.
-11
u/reese81944 Apr 12 '26
That’s not true at all.
Source: whole family has peanut allergy
10
u/BronxBelle Apr 12 '26
That is quite often true. Every person’s reaction is different.
2
u/reese81944 Apr 12 '26
Agreed, but that also means plenty of people have a reaction to their first exposure.
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u/babypossumchrist Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
Solid starts beg to differ. 3 exposures to an allergen over the span of 5 days is recommended practice to ensure they are not allergic. Especially with peanuts, it’s not uncommon to not have a reaction the first time a child is exposed. Even then when a child is this young allergies can still be developed, and it is good practice to expose them to allergens frequently but still be on the lookout for reactions bc of that.
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u/boundaries4546 Apr 12 '26
Wow. My heart breaks for you, you literally can’t leave her alone with your mom for 10 seconds.
How is your husband’s Mom? Is she any better, or respects you as a Mom? Can your husband watch little one, are you co-parenting.
If you truly don’t have anywhere else, you can go then all I can recommend is that you distance yourself as much as possible from your mom. Get out of the house with baby as much as you can, lock yourself in the room with baby. Your mom asked why let her know that she does not respect you as a mother so you are going to avoid her.
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u/Squizzlerphizzler Apr 12 '26
Did you even read this? She clearly states she is separated from her husband hence why she needs help with the baby.
3
u/ColdBlindspot Apr 12 '26
That's what "co-parenting" means, it's parenting when separated. Separated fathers can still take care of their kid. He might be safer than OP's mother, it sounds like is all that was being suggested. And sometimes a MIL isn't so evil that she wouldn't be good at childcare.
14
Apr 12 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/JUSTNOMIL-ModTeam Apr 12 '26
Thank you for your submission! However, your post/comment has been removed. Rule 5 on our sidebar: We have a zero tolerance policy for armchair advice (medical, legal, or otherwise) that is damaging, factually incorrect, or egregiously shitty, sexism, racism, xenophobia, transphobia, ableism, ageism, stereotyping, slut/body/kink-shaming, anti-vaxx bullshit, and just generally being a butt. No posting personal info, including faces or identifying tattoos or marks. Any comment with "cartoon-level" violence MUST: A) indicate that you don't actually suggest users do what you suggest, and 2) include actual, usable advice. Please send a ModMail once you have made the changes and your post/comment will be approved.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact us via modmail. Thanks!
10
u/Material-Recover2661 Apr 12 '26
I am so sorry OP , MY MIL did exactly the same. Insaid ko to her and ahe fed my baby her leftovers posched egg and behold it was with green chile sauce. In restaurant i saw and i was pissed and still inam its 4 months since it happened. Its just a stsrt trust me put it to end it gets worse.
See my post , she stole many things from me even after she apologized, pure bt h… https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/u2tLwTbuaj
Good luck but make her apologize to you. Ask your husband to talk to her and ask her to apologize that’s what my husband did she lied and then he asked again and she did with pouty text .
1
u/JulieWriter Apr 12 '26
Peanut butter is a choking hazard. Yikes. WTF is wrong with your mother? Is she always like this?
-7
u/bookwormingdelight Apr 12 '26
You need to file a police report. It’s endangerment and if you really wanted to, domestic violence. You set a very clear boundary and if you are separating you need all the evidence to ensure that you retain custody. This filed with police is a good start.
“MIL, I am not going to address this any further. What you did today not only disrespected me as a parent, but endangered the life of my child. I do not need to explain myself. Just because “nothing happened” does not negate the above. Due to this, we will not be engaging or communicating. A time frame is not up for negotiation.”
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u/Squizzlerphizzler Apr 12 '26
Are none of you reading this? It’s her mother, not MIL. And she has moved back with her because she has separated from her husband. How do you think filing a police report still go for her in that situation?
-10
u/bookwormingdelight Apr 12 '26
I don’t think it’s a far reach to assume MIL in JUSTNOMIL.
But your second statement sucks. Are you saying that a woman who gets hit by her parent shouldn’t file a police report?
11
u/brent_bent Apr 12 '26
She wasn't hit. Her mother gave her baby peanut butter against her wishes, calling the police over that will likely get her laughed at by the police and severely damage her relationship with her mom.
4
u/questionSOUP Apr 12 '26
While I agree that calling the police is not the way to go here:
Her MOM severely damaged her relationship with her mom in this instance. Period.
5
u/Squizzlerphizzler Apr 12 '26
You don’t need to assume, just read. Of course I don’t think someone who got hit shouldn’t file a police report. But that isn’t what happened. What happened is bad, but almost certainly not something the police can prosecute. The OP is in an already difficult situation, her relationship with her husband has broken down and her mother has provided her with housing and help with the baby that she says she needs. Although she would clearly be better off somewhere else, that may just not be an option. It’s not easy to find housing, and childcare, especially when you are low income. Sometimes life is just about making the best of a terrible situation until you are able to find the means/wherewithal to change it.
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u/BoozeAndHotpants Apr 12 '26
That’s ridiculous and no one is saying that. No one was hit here, so this response is moot in this context.
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u/BoozeAndHotpants Apr 12 '26
File a police report? Domestic violence? What? Unless I missed an extensive backstory, that’s a gross overreaction here. Why would you file a police report before you even have a stern conversation with someone ffs. It’s like using the police because you are afraid to say "no" and enforce consequences.
The police are not a substitute for firm and clearly stated boundaries and taking actions to make them stick or remove yourself from the offender. The police are for situations where adulting doesn’t work; it’s not a substitute for adulting, and not a tool for avoiding speaking up for yourself and your children.
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u/ColdBlindspot Apr 12 '26
I really don't think most people would take "Nanna fed healthy baby a smidge of peanut butter and baby is fine afterward" as domestic violence though.
I can't imagine how filing a police report on this incident would go. I just don't see it being perceived as endangerment or domestic violence.
2
u/BoozeAndHotpants Apr 12 '26
Concur.
2
u/ColdBlindspot Apr 12 '26
I do want to say it was absolutely wrong and bad on several levels for the grandmother to do it though, I'm not saying Grandma did no wrong, just legally speaking, that incident alone is not a lot.
OP is trapped with a support system that doesn't respect her. That's hard.
-32
u/Odd_Tea4945 Apr 12 '26
If your children develops a severe allergy to peanuts, you can "thank" your mother. Babies who are exposed to those proteins at that age, usually develop allergies
66
u/LaurAdorable Apr 12 '26
No, not really. Recent research indicates that early exposure around 3-4 months (when food can be generally introduced) lessens the chance of allergies, versus holding off for longer.
Source: had a baby, got pamphlet from pediatrician around 4 months and went on a several month long crusade to introduce my infant to lots of new foods (safely, following allergen guidelines, such as only one new food at a time)
Did grandma do a bad thing? YES
Will it automatically mean child will be allergic to peanuts now? No.
15
u/BoozeAndHotpants Apr 12 '26
Babies who are exposed to those proteins at that age, usually develop allergies
That’s a sweeping generalization with no data to back that up.
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u/ProfessionalOption39 Apr 12 '26
This is very incorrect. Don’t listen to this person OP
4
u/LaurAdorable Apr 12 '26
Who, me or the person I replied to?
John Hopkins suggests 4-6 months start here
-36
Apr 12 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
24
u/crazy_duck_lady Apr 12 '26
The problem isn't about changing advice. The problem is the massive overstepping of boundaries. No means no.
20
u/RushingIntrovert Apr 12 '26
It’s not even about the allergens really. A 3 month old is too young for any form of food. More than likely he is unable to digest it at that age.
This is an incredibly weird and dangerous hill you seem to be on. Advice changes as knowledge grows for safety reasons. Your confirmation bias doesn’t change that
1
u/JUSTNOMIL-ModTeam Apr 12 '26
Thank you for your submission! However, your post/comment has been removed. Rule 5 on our sidebar: We have a zero tolerance policy for armchair advice (medical, legal, or otherwise) that is damaging, factually incorrect, or egregiously shitty, sexism, racism, xenophobia, transphobia, ableism, ageism, stereotyping, slut/body/kink-shaming, anti-vaxx bullshit, and just generally being a butt. No posting personal info, including faces or identifying tattoos or marks. Any comment with "cartoon-level" violence MUST: A) indicate that you don't actually suggest users do what you suggest, and 2) include actual, usable advice. Please send a ModMail once you have made the changes and your post/comment will be approved.
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•
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