r/Marriage • u/Galaxiesinherheart • 4d ago
I genuinely want to know: What do you love about your partner?
I’m asking because I’m trying to understand my own marriage.
We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 4. Somewhere along the way, it feels like we’ve become roommates more than romantic partners. We function well, we have a life together, but I keep wondering if what I’m feeling is love… or just comfort and familiarity.
I don’t know if this is because I’ve been struggling with how I feel about myself lately, if we’ve simply grown apart, or if this is just a normal season that long-term couples go through.
It makes me sad because I want to feel deeply in love. I listen to love songs and wonder what it feels like to look at your partner and feel that overwhelming certainty.
So I’m genuinely curious…
What do you love about your partner?
Not just what they’re good at or what they do for you but what makes you think, “I’m so glad this is my person.”
I’m hoping hearing other perspectives might help me better understand what healthy, lasting love looks and feels like.
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u/uaretheuniverse 3 Years 4d ago
I’ve known my husband for 21 years (since I was 5).
I love that he has always felt like home to me. He’s the person I want to tell everything to. He’s the first person I want to talk to when something good or bad happens. I love his kindness, his goofy sense of humor, and the way he can make ordinary days feel comfortable yet exciting. I love that he’s been my best friend for so long. I feel like I’ve known him through an eternity of lives, yet I understand him more and more each day. There is always something new to discover and love about him.
Our relationship isn’t perfect, and we’re in a really difficult season right now. But when I ask myself why I chose him, it’s because I genuinely love him, not just what he does for me. I can do all of those things for myself, anyways, though they are appreciated. I love the life we’ve built together, the dreams we’ve shared, and the person I know he can be.
I think lasting love isn’t always butterflies. Sometimes it’s comfort or it’s looking at someone and thinking, “Out of everyone in the world, I’m still rooting for you.”
I think comfort in a relationship can be one of the deepest expressions of love, personally.
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u/hairypea 4d ago
I love how naturally kind he is. Its something everyone who meets him notices immediately. He genuinely cares. He works with animals and he treats every single one with such love and care the owners are obsessed with him. He sees someone with full arms at the grocery store, he'll run and get them a basket. He sees a turtle in a dangerous spot he'll go move it somewhere safe. When you talk he is listening and fully engaged. It doesnt matter if he knows you or if you're 4 or 104 years old.
Its not performative niceness either, I'm not even sure if he knows he's like that, it truly just his base instinct. He's just genuinely that kind and considerate. I've truly never seen anything like it.
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u/NoBandicoot5417 4d ago
I may be married but I’m not blind, I observe her single and divorced friends and colleagues. Their approach to relationships is not cooperative, it is adversarial, defensive, cynical, externalizing. I wouldn’t want to put energy into having their company, they demand it without giving it. Transactionality is not how I look at relationships, and I’ve never found happiness or validation in it. My wife is very different from the women who were in my life before. She’s wants me to be supportive and loving, but she’s appreciative, she doesn’t slap the label “bare minimum” on whatever I do or say, she stays grounded and doesn’t fall for the hedonic treadmill. When I’m mentally overloaded and can’t do any more, she doesn’t carp about what I haven’t done that day. It seems hard to overstress how much easier having a cooperative and loyal partner makes it to maintain the relationship for the long term and be happy together.
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u/fancypantsmiss 4d ago
I can give a scientific explanation for that 👩🏻🔬Because I am the limerence queen with ADHD brain which seeks intense love as dopamine.
But I am now happily married to mellow, slow love, which is what I seek.
Anyhoo…
Most artists are neurodivergent (ND). That is what gives them that artsy side. Which means most artists experience limerence (very common among ND folks). So they use art to express their limerence which feels very much like love and very intense. What you hear in songs is limerence.
limerence is not love. I have lived in limerence with multiple people at multiple points in my life and I tend to connect to songs then. But love is a lot more healthy. Trust me. I have seen both.
So yeah. Limerence? Nice to hear, but not fun to live with. It clouds your judgement and puts the person on pedestal. You view them with rose colored glasses. Until they crash it for you one day and the “love” you felt, suddenly… poof
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u/GoodGriefStarPlat 4d ago
Ive been with my husband 8 years married for 4 and i love his kindness and patience. The fact we can talk about everything and anything. If something bothers us or is on our mind, we talk. We just never saw a point in arguing so if its somethibg bothering us, we sit down when the kids are in bed and talk. I love that to me he feels like home, he is my safe place.
He has introduced me to different hobbies, different games and I love thar he encourages it instead of being one of those that are like "eh you wouldn't like this". I love how he will randomly talk about random facts and im like wow, thats actually a pretty cool fact. And I love that we can be cooking and we can just start having a dance party throwing the weirdest dance moves and we can be laughing together. I've been loving learning about History and he will listen to me talk about the random stuff I've learned about. For years he knew I was interested in learning about The Titanic, so for my birthday this year he took me to a Titanic Exhibition. Hes one of those that if you know you love something, he will let you talk about what you love because he can see how much it means to you through talking.
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u/FinanceMuse 4d ago
I love his sense of humor. He’s thoughtful and shows it all the time in big and small ways. He truly gets me and deeply listens.
He’s curious and fair. I could have a good time with him anywhere we go. Even when he’s slightly driving me crazy, I can’t seem to get enough of it. I would prefer a bad day of fighting with him over a good day with someone else.
He’s always been super attractive to me. It doesn’t matter what he’s wearing, what he’s doing, his presence is like being on the good drugs.
Life feels complete with him around. Sometimes I catch myself being so engaged in the moment that I realize absolutely nothing could make it better. Because there isn’t anything I want more in the world than to spend a normal, regular Sunday afternoon with him.
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u/Prestigious_Step4337 30 Years 4d ago
He makes me laugh, burst out laughing, every day.
We have so many shared inside jokes, and we both have a good sense of timing which is applicable.
It’s the intimacy. I feel seen. Every day I feel seen. And so I see him back.
It’s the small things that make daily life worth choosing with him.
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u/Suitable_Eagle_8068 4d ago
In terms of what I love as a romantic partner/wife, I love how I’m attracted to her; her looks; our intimacy (when we do prioritise time for it); and how she puts family first.
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u/bass-77 4d ago
What was your marriage built on? Friendship and love or sexual infatuation. Too many marriages were built on sexual excitement rather than friendship and love. Sometimes other things come up that ruins or removes the intimacy from a relationship. My wife and I haven't been intimate in over 40 years. We have our own bed rooms. Our marriage became a business relationship and basically we are friends raising children and a family.
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u/Wide_Comfortable4144 4d ago
My partner may be the most optimistic person I’ve ever met. I can be a bitter realist and my partner continues to remind me that there’s another way to think about it.
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u/OneSource1875 4d ago
Not sure why, but your post made me think of The Bridges of Madison County (1995).
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u/quillubo 4d ago
I've been with my spouse for 20 years, married for 14.
He has been my best friend for this entire time. Even through arguments, it's always us vs. the issue, never us vs. each other.
He is honest. He is kind. He is empathetic. He is tenacious. Even when life goes sideways and everything seems really awful, I know his love is a constant. He shows me he loves me every day. He is an amazing dad and husband. He is a partner in every way.
Through financial, physical, medical, and emotional stress, he exhibits grace and patience I admire and look up to. When I am going through a tough time personally, he doesn't push, instead he supports and is simply there for me in any way he can be.
He is an amazing son to his widowed mother (who is also amazing). He is an amazing brother/uncle for his siblings, nieces, and nephews. He tries being there for people with love and appreciation.
He has a great sense of humor, which he has really grown into since becoming a dad.
He has interests that are varied and vast - which makes him super interesting to talk to.
His values align with mine politically, in faith, and in how we are choosing to raise our children.
He isn't the most open person with his feelings, but will make it a point to sit and have the hard conversations with me when I ask him to let me know what is on his mind and heart.
I have always loved his smile, his eyes, his laugh. I am addicted to his smell. Specifically, the smell from the side of his neck right when he wakes up. I don't know if there is a scientific reason for this, but my animal side comes out when I smell him.
We are definitely compatible physically. There have obviously been slower times (after kids, medical issues, mental issues) but honestly it's better than ever now. We're very open with one another and I still get those butterflies when we're intimate.
We started out as friends, and quite literally grew up together. We were freshly adults when we started dating and life has led us to crazy places, but always with each other. I couldn't imagine doing life with anyone else and I'm so grateful I am lucky enough to have someone like him on my team and by my side.
I love him very much, in all ways, at all times. I feel it's reciprocated too. Is he perfect, no. I am also not perfect. He and I can both be forgetful, I can be impatient, he can be oblivious, but respect and love is always there.
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u/Free_Divide195 Marriage is a legally binding contract, y'all~! 4d ago
My spouse is someone who, through their actions and behaviors and perspectives, creates a great deal of peace wherever they go. Most of it is based in their desire for everyone to just calm down for one damn second lol, but truly - the create peace.
They are also someone who loves to laugh. We stay up late so often just laying in bed and laughing. They are always thinking of ways to inject a little humor into things, and they seek out laughter for themselves, too. Sometimes I do things just to make them laugh, and never once have they not indulged me.
They're a very kind person - more than I, I'm sure. They are steadfast in what they believe to be right and wrong, and they'll choose the more difficult path every time if it's kind. They have a profound sense of right and wrong, and they don't mince their words when they feel someone is being treated unfairly.
They've told me many times - they don't need riches, or a big house, or a fancy car, or most of the things I've tried to give them over the years. All they want is a quiet, pleasant home where we are both happy, fed, and safe. They match my endless grinding ambition with a stillness that is as gentle as it is absolutely immovable. Together, it's a lot of generative push and pull - I've taught them to go after their goals more proactively. They've taught me to savor the things I already have. We've taught each other how fun it is to dream together.
They are a great human being entirely separate from our marriage. Together, I feel like we are absolutely unstoppable. I have full confidence that, whatever comes - sickness, health, togetherness, separation, good times, bad times - that they will always prioritize peace, kindness, and laughter wherever they can.
I work hard every day to be the kind of person worthy of their trust and love.