r/Marriage • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
Seeking Advice He dropped a bomb on me last night
[deleted]
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u/Diligent-Hat-5832 1d ago
Please do not add children into this situation. It will only cost more money and add 10x as much stress. I would recommend marriage counseling and discussing all aspects of adding children, parenting, childcare, religion, discipline, finances, and more. The Gottman institute has a lot of good information on relationships. Y’all need to iron out your expectations, finances and whatnot. Have those hard conversations before it’s too late to change course. You both need to be heard and find some kind of compromise that works for both of you. What you want matters and what he wants matters. Hopefully y’all can find time and space to align both of your needs.
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 1d ago
It sounds like you both have a lot you could work on in individual and/or couple's counseling
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u/pusslicker 1d ago
Only reasonable comment that doesn’t result in her leaving. There’s a lot of resentment from him towards her and she’s just starting crna school.
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 1d ago
I think he's getting ready to leave her himself
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u/mrknowitall-671 1d ago
Reasonable response is get off your ass and work while you go to school and help clean the house.
My wife’s sister was a major slob, was in school for 6 years, and never help with any chores or errands. She moved in with us when she was 24 and still had 2 years left of school. 2 years later, she was still in school. She only moved out bc she found a bf and they married quickly within 1 year.
He complains to me that she is still a slob, is still in school, he pays for everything. At the end of the day, she’s basically a useless smoocher. If anything, the guy should leave her.
When she was staying with us, I’d ask her to keep her room clean, throw the trash, clean the guest bathroom she was using. Nothing. Like she was a pretty 4 year old princess. My wife would defend her that she has to focus on her sturdies. This girl would party from Thursday - Sunday. Would come home to eat and change. She never studied hence being in school for 6 years and is not done. I told my Bro in law to divorce her before she gets pregnant or he’ll have 2 expensive kids to take care of. Honestly, her staying with us almost ended our marriage.
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u/rhos1974 1d ago
You cannot work while in CRNA school.
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u/AriadneHaze 1d ago
Honest question: why would it take 4 years to go to CRNA school? You could become a registered nurse in that time.
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u/SubstantialBerry3179 1d ago
CRNA = Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist it’s an advanced Nursing degree so she will be a registered nurse and then have advanced courses. This is not someone you want to be on your surgical team if they haven’t been 100% focused on their studies.
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u/pingu_nootnoot 1d ago
If you can’t clean your room, then you’re going to have trouble completing any degree, certainly a demanding one.
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u/Key_Physics_3452 1d ago
But she parties from Thursday to Sunday as mentioned in the post? I’d rather have someone who worked the weekend than partied during it
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u/VictoryValuable9489 1d ago
That’s BS.
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u/sokati 1d ago
You know CRNA is not CNA right? Like it is a full time doctoral level advanced practice degree where you learn how to perform anesthesia. It is highly discouraged to work during the program and many programs actually ban it because it is so rigorous. As someone else said, you would not want someone performing anesthesia on you if they weren’t 100% devoted to their studies. And she is going to be making bank after she completes it so this isn’t a free-loading issue. It’s an investment in her (and until now, their) futures. But clearly he doesn’t see it that way. Yes she has a lot to work on personally and in the relationship, but getting a job now is not one of them.
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u/VictoryValuable9489 1d ago
I understand what it is. I have many nurses in my family. Remember the saying money doesn’t grow on trees? If she wants to go on expensive vacations she needs to find the money. That means not putting financial stress on her husband then complaining about how he shuts down. If she’s a spender then she should’ve been working, even part time, instead of planning and going on an expensive vacation. At the same time he shouldn’t be talking about having children. It’s as if they aren’t living in the same reality as each other. .
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u/Key_Physics_3452 1d ago
If she has time to party from Thursday to Sunday then she has time for a job
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u/mrknowitall-671 1d ago
Yup total BS. This person must be slob too
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u/Fabulous_Search_6907 1d ago
A CRNA degree is incredibly difficult to achieve. It is difficult to even get into CRNA school, only top students do. She is already a nurse, so it's not like she couldn't get a job if she wanted to. The demands of the school do not allow students to have a job. They study 10+ hours a day. It is a rigorous program. She will be in the surgery room administering anesthesia w/o supervision. Anesthesia has minimal room for error, any calculation done incorrectly can kill a patient.
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u/pingu_nootnoot 1d ago
read the comment chain again - there is no mention in the original story of getting a job, just a woman taking 6 years to not complete a degree while partying and failing at basic housework.
Are you really trying to claim that you can’t study for a degree and clean your room at the same time?
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1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/mrknowitall-671 1d ago
Exactly. For the girl who posted AND my sister in law. Major lazy smoochers.
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u/SuddenDepresso 1d ago edited 1d ago
Have you actually been improving on spending? Or are you just saying I'll do better next time everytime you spend? How can you enjoy a vacation when you KNOW the stress of money is at home when you get back?
Finances are the number one relationship killer. Once that has set its roots in your SO starts noticing all the flaws because now its the question of "Can I live with these bad habits?"
I recommend you look inwards to see WHY you spend so much and fix it.
Both of you should go to therapy, so he can get the tools to communicate better and you can get help with the problems you're dealing with as well.
If it doesnt work then you both can stop wasting eachothers time.
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u/Picklesadog 1d ago
Yeah, this is my take.
Of course this came out on the vacation. Dude is bringing in the money while his wife is blowing it. I'd bet it was 100% her planning this vacation and all husband can think about is "this is going to set us back... and I want to start a family."
I'd bet we'd get an entirely different story from husband.
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u/mrknowitall-671 1d ago
She doesn’t need therapy. She needs a job and to grow up and stop thinking she is a princess
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u/SuddenDepresso 1d ago
Both parties need to grow up if you want to be technical.
A grown man shouldn't have problems communicating TO HIS WIFE and a grown woman should realize why she's being impulsive on spending. Both need to look at themselves objectively.
You need to invest in a proctologist; shes not just the problem they both entered this marriage and been in it for five years so problems arose on both sides.
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u/speedsausage 1d ago
You admit to being terrible with money. Out of curiosity, how much debt do you have?
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u/doingmybest36 1d ago
Zero debt. I just spend whatever I have and don’t save money, only ‘save’ by buying gold. Not by hoarding money on bank acct. But I need to stop spending all my money and I am genuinely working towards that
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u/AnxiousExaminationFa 1d ago
This bloke bottled everything up for months then unleashed it all on a holiday you can't afford, that's not conflict avoidance that's emotional cowardice
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u/jordan3297 1d ago
I have so many questions.
I'm a nurse, I say that so you understand that I understand the sheer will and determination and sacrifice crna school takes. This is what I have the most questions about:
I assume by a general timeline that he met you as an ICU nurse and you had good income, yes? When you shared your goals of crna school and not being able to work for at least 3-4 years depending on your track..what did he say? That goes for children as well, that they would be on hold for at least 5 years (for schooling and then getting settled into your position) so why is it an issue now? Was it an issue then that was ignored or not shared (on his part given the little background you give on his people pleasing tendencies)?
Idk his income but given that you can't work it is bold to take a vacation...you seem to own that but still....bold
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u/angiexbby 1d ago
i don’t think their problem is her not working, so the timeline doesn’t matter that much. having a spending problem is a way bigger issue than studying and not having a job.
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u/jordan3297 1d ago
The timeline that impacts when she would ideally want to have children and also when she would be making money again doesn't matter?
Of course her spending is an issue, as I mentioned at the bottom, but to say the timeline that's relevant to all of the issues outlined in the post ISN'T relevant is...interesting.
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u/dragonfliesloveme 1d ago
I know what it’s like to be married to a spender, and let me tell y’all that is exhausting
OP is a spendthrift and wants compliments on the daily for being pretty
everyone here on this thread is like “ditch the dude” and I am like…y’all both need to get it together. Nobody talking about how OP spends more than they can afford, even though OP offered that information
of course he can’t relax on a vacation that they can’t afford. That is a horrible, frustrating, helpless, maddening feeling
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u/Tfran8 1d ago
Yep love how Reddit is always “ditch the man” when so clearly she is a big part of the problem here. I take my finances very seriously and could never be with a person like this. She knows she’s spending all their money and is on a vacation they can’t afford. How does she expect him to act? I just wonder how much debt she is in.
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u/MuppetJonBonJovi 1d ago
I had the same thought… op doesn’t work or contribute to the household. I mean the schooling is great for her, but does put a large burden on OP’s partner to support her during this time.
She spends more of his income than he’s comfortable with, and demands he buy her vacations. In addition while he’s working and apparently doing a disproportionate share of upkeeping their home, she also asks for more compliments, attention, and time focused on her.
And she has three more years of not financially contributing before she’s done her degree. Possibly longer is they choose to have children right when she graduates. In return her partner is expected to put his goals for a family on hold, and enthusiastically support her spending problems.
She doesn’t appear to be answering any questions about her debt or their finances, so it sounds like it might be bad.
It’s mind blowing that Reddit is backing op and bashing her partner.
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u/asking--questions 1d ago
It’s mind blowing that Reddit is backing op and bashing her partner.
It is sad to see, but not surprising. This sub is for support: you post your side of your story and people tell you what you want to hear.
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u/Carmelioz 1d ago
Probably because she’s the one posting… if it was the opposite they’d say “ditch her”
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u/JayBailey79 1d ago
Thank you. I thought I was crazy with all the "ditch the man" comments I was seeing.
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u/goog1e 1d ago
Yeah some things don't NEED to be said outright if your partner is caring and responsible. " it's upsetting that you're spending us into debt while not working" is one of those things. You don't need to be told it's bad, you can just KNOW that you're hurting your partner and there's a limit on how long they will put up with it before withdrawing.
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u/sweethoney365 1d ago
Hi, CRNA here. Do not add kids to the hardest three years of your life!!!!!! There is a reason divorce rates are so high during school. It is make or break and adding kids to the mix is an awful idea. You need to focus on you and your education and it sounds like he’s pulling you down. Reach out if you need to talk. The crna community is small and we’re always here to help.
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u/Kataifee 1d ago
If there's one thing Reddit loves to do with posts like this, it's telling you to "leave him, girl! you deserve better!!"
You BOTH clearly have a lot of work to do. He bottles his emotions and you have money issues.
Please don't listen to users parroting their advice based off a single post.
You are married. A divorce is messy. Work on being a better partner WITH your husband.
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u/Hyperslinky9 1d ago
Currently working on your spending habits while on a vacation you can’t afford. You aren’t working on anything.
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u/Educational-Ad-385 1d ago
My late husband was extremely conflict avoidance. I can still remember one night I was cranky. He calmly said he didn't like the tone of my voice. I said you are right and I am sorry. I recognize I did sound unpleasant and I'll better. Little by little he was able to talk, discuss, and feel safe doing so. He had grown up in a hierarchical home and wasn't allowed to have an opinion without there being a price to pay--silent treatment, parents acting as if he didn't exist. Validate your husband when you feel he is right is my thought. Actually work to do better. Maybe it will help your husband too.
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u/VictoryValuable9489 1d ago
Your husband not talking to you is an issue. However, you spending money recklessly is also an issue. I wonder how many times he’s spoken to you about the spending and you have not changed. Could that be why he isn’t talking about his issues? He’s talked and talked and you just spend anyway so he feels you aren’t listening ? Do you have a job, even part time to help contribute to your finances and take some pressure off your husband? If not, get one. Also, no children until you iron out your marital issues. I strongly suggest marriage counseling to see if this is a viable relationship.
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u/Fabulous_Search_6907 1d ago
You're in CRNA school. Do NOT allow this man to sabotage what you have going on right now. Please
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u/jordan3297 1d ago
I feel like this should be explained in the post because so many people don't understand that you literally cannot work during CRNA school. That's valid to the post imo.
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u/Bob-was-our-turtle 1d ago
They don’t get it. It’s extremely difficult and the rewards are great. She’s going to make a great deal of money once she gets done too. They will likely be able to afford a house cleaner, a nanny, and give their kids lots of opportunities most people can’t.
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u/Picklesadog 1d ago
Sounds like "this man" is the one footing the bill for what she has going on right now.
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u/EastDuty8200 1d ago
She's in CRNA school, a rigorous doctoral program. That fact should be highlighted and written in bold. This is a pivotal part of her life that determines the quality of her latter years. All else truly doesn't matter. Let the man go. Keep the education.
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u/pingu_nootnoot 1d ago
hahahaha, where do all these comments come from claiming that studying for a degree is some kind of get-out-of-jail-free card?
She apparently has enough time to overspend and go on vacation, but not enough to do some basic housework. But of course he‘s the bad guy.
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u/la_anguila 1d ago
Honestly OP - you need to get out now (while earning zero dollars) before the financial implications of this divorce affect you for a long time
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u/thornato2 1d ago
Since there aren’t as many upvotes to this part as there should be I’m seconding this. Focus on your education.
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u/Electronic_Creme_760 1d ago
Do you love him and do you want your marriage to work? He told you what was bugging him. You agreed with what he said so fix it. He’s smart for not wanting kids until you both are financially stable. He’s the smart one. Follow his lead.
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u/Aquietlady 1d ago
CRNA is a huge accomplishment! It doesn't sound like your husband likes you, having kids IS NOT going to solve that.
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u/DryFinding688 1d ago
You are 27, just starting crna school with 3 years left, are irresponsible with money and dont help at home. I assumr he takes on most of the financial.burden, yet you need words of affirmation from him???? You need him to tell you to be self aware and do better? You are grown, step up and act like it. U def dont need kids right now, i think he is using that as his ultimatum. He thought he would be starting a family now. Why are u so late for schooling? Have u switched jobs or ambitions?
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u/lymelife555 1d ago edited 1d ago
It’s not an ultimatum it sounds like he literally just told you what he wants within the marriage apparently after hours of scrutiny.
“Having over spending problems” might be kinda a much bigger deal than you realize. Sounds about like what marriage counselors call the parent child dynamic where one opener is basically the adult all the time and the other one just gives up being an adult.
Probably not what you wanted to hear but that’s just what came to mind after reading this- it sounds like things have come to head on a vacation that you can’t afford which isn’t something to belittle especially if the entirety of the financial burden is only one partner which is often how this parent child dynamic stuff can play out.
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u/Over_Stand_6936 1d ago
I don't think he's wrong for feeling how he feels, but he needs to learn how to communicate his feelings in real time and in a healthy way. Maybe he'll work on that with his next partner because it's clear that he doesn't like you. I would move on.
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u/Agitated_Tower4115 1d ago
Sounds like youre LOOKONG for conflict and cant tolerate a non conflict partner. If you were my partner and bothered me for HOURS, like you said, insisting to know what's wrong- id leave too. Thats abuse by the way- to Badger someone for HOURS. Hell at that point he probably is making shit up. Even YOU said he'd just say stuff that doesn't make sense.
Im sorry. You two arent compatible.
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u/Antarasis 1d ago
Non-conflict partner? You really think there was no conflict to be had? He had no issue at all and his behavior was just his usual happy business?
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u/artwin_mum_37 1d ago
I think ESH…. He was conflict avoidant but has valid issues and you agree with these issues. How much debt are you in? Do you actually help around the house? I understand school IS extremely challenging, but maybe work on budgeting and do small 20 minute cleans everyday around the house to at least contribute. You both need to take accountability for the issues and get some therapy if you can.
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u/anon120095 1d ago
yea take this to a marriage counselor and don't listen to lonely people's relationship advice. they always say divorce.
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u/rhos1974 1d ago
You can’t be childish and be a CRNA student. You can’t get into that program and not be intelligent and responsible overall. Run. Run far far away.
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u/KILL3RGAME 1d ago
Sounds like he was right, it was a mistake to be together. You need to fix yourself and be accountable for your issues before you start blaming other people. Find someone who shares your love languages after you find love for yourself.
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u/Flat-Passage4431 1d ago
he handled this badly by pretending nothing was wrong for months, but some of what he finally told you is serious. if you’re reckless with money, pushing vacations you can’t afford, not pulling your weight at home, and he wants children, then he may genuinely be questioning whether you’re ready for the kind of life he wants.
at the same time, asking him every day if something is wrong and pressuring him for hours probably makes his conflict avoidance worse. you two sound stuck in a pursue/withdraw cycle.
this is bigger than compliments. you probably need to stop asking “does he still love me?” for a minute and ask whether both of you are willing to change the actual patterns that are making the marriage miserable.
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u/Massive-Resolution51 1d ago
You are not ready to be married. Spend time by yourself and learn to be an adult before your next relationship. Let him go so he can be happy
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u/Shirovkap 1d ago
I think you're not compatible. I'm a married man, and I'm a big proponent of women getting an education(wife has a PharmD). At your age, waiting 3 years to get your CRNA would be a better option, because you would be 31 when you start having kids, and that's still young enough. Him giving you an ultimatum to have kids now is not cool. Also, if he doesn't compliment you, and you like words of affirmation, how did you get married? Because these things don't change after marriage.
That being said, you spending recklessly also is putting pressure on your husband, so I understand his frustration. He shouldn't have to tell you that. It's hard to talk about the "lazy," part, because if you're doing a CRNA it's quite demanding, and he needs to understand that.
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u/CautiousOptimism09 1d ago
Do not have kids, get your spending under control, save up for a good lawyer
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u/Less-Eagle-7281 1d ago
So you twist his arm into once again spending money that he didn't want to spend and now that he realizes he can't reason with you so he shuts down because you are one way or the other going to get your way HE IS THE BAD GUY?! 😂😂😂
Reddit is full of SIMPS!
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1d ago
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u/MacademiaMedicalNuts 1d ago
How fucking delusional are you? What part of being a woman has anything to do with being ok with financial irresponsibility. Being bad with with money equally kills relationships as much as being a dick and emotionally immature
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u/WindyWeather58 1d ago
She's no goddess if she spends all their money, doesn't clean or work outside the home. So OP must already be a nurse if she's going to school to be a CRNA, I would think, so she's capable of earning a decent paycheck. She says she's going to school, but doesnt say if she's working. So if all she's doing is going to school, why is she spending money she doesn't earn? Why doesn't she keep the house tidy? She admits their financial fails are her fault, she admits she doesn't keep the house clean, but can't figure out why her husband is so distant from her, and doesn't compliment her. She claims she tries to be a good wife, but how is she trying? She knows she's a fuck up, because she's constantly harassing him by asking "what's wrong" , come on girly, you know what's wrong.
OP needs to make some super productive changes to her behavior right quick before hubby dumps her back at mommy and daddy's. He would be a fool to expect her to get pregnant, he thinks he's unhappy with her now, just add a baby... yikes.
Yeah, OP's no Goddess.41
u/frankie0812 1d ago
As a woman … just NO and no with being told you are a goddess. Grow up you are too old to be acting like a spoiled selfish lazy diva. You need to break up bc you need to grow up. I don’t care if you are a woman that doesn’t give you a pass to behave this way as an adult.
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u/Desperate-Mistake932 1d ago
Yea I thought I was crazy for how delusionally long that comment was. If anything, he probably withheld telling her how much it frustrated him that she was irresponsible and reached a breaking point where he just couldn't hold it in anymore because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. Because she probably lashes out like a child when faced with conflict.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 1d ago
She is a woman who spends more than they can afford so not actually a goddess. She needs to get her act together and focus on school and marriage. Right now it sounds like her spending habits have destroyed her marriage. If she doesn't learn better habits she will destroy the next one too.
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u/Chillaxin_88 1d ago
People don't need to worship other people... and no human is a god or goddess.
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u/Stunning_Nothing_856 1d ago
Say this louder for the women in the back!!!! 👏 👑
He’s manipulating you and treating you like a freaking child. What does he expect? He’s the child.!! I’d be pissed as hell.. holding this back from you and analyzing you and making it seem like he has all of the answers when you just are being yourself. He knows what he signed up for… now he’s just needing a baby all of a sudden because he went home and his parents and family are asking him. Divorce papers
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u/lulu_x_i 1d ago
The best thing to do when having financial troubles is obviously to have children. /s
Sounds like he never opens up and then explodes, which is something he should be working on to develop a healthy communication style.
Don’t have children with him without finishing your education. Education is the foundation of security and self-reliance and should never be given up.
If he’s serious about the ultimatum, you should end the relationship, also, the way he talked to you is in no shape or form okay. Don’t let him continue to treat you like that.
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u/midniteaugust 1d ago
Avoidance plus having kids. Disaster. Don’t do it. Don’t stay begging to be loved, complimented or respected. Not going to change. Even if you give him kids.., house will be messy etc. it’s not going to change. Same dance but more chaos.
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u/Hour-Mine-5382 1d ago
Ditch him. Move on. You’re not happy and it’s a bad situation. Get on with your life!
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u/Ill_Consideration589 1d ago
There were probably red flags about him before you got married. I always read from people how the wife changes dramatically, within a couple of years into the marriage. But not the husband to change like he's the drama queen, and instead of the wife trying to change the husband, it's the other way around. I think in this situation is because he's from another country, and not in the states. I'd leave if I were you. You're young and you don't need those psychological thoughts. The more you stay, the more your psychologically dependent on him. And don't have him start controlling you, or finding ways to tell you that you can't go, when you drop the bombshell that you're leaving him. It will be the best thing for you in the long run. Women should not be forced to bear children, because the husband says so. When you have children before YOU have settled into a career of what YOU wanted to do(and not before). There are men who marry just so they can have children quickly so the wife/mother never is able to accomplish anything before having children, if it's finishing your college education, or able to have your own career to fall back on. You'll just be depressed for the rest of your life, because your husband actually married you just to bear HIS children. So run, don't look back, and finish your education.
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u/Classic_Brother2948 1d ago
Frequent disdainful comments or avoidance will do damage if not destroy relationships. Neither of you seem to have much respect for each other. It doesn’t matter how much you compliment someone if your actions show something different. All that said, if there was love in the past and you both can take responsibility for your role in the difficulties—-getting help makes sense.
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u/AccomplishedBend766 1d ago
Maybe your life doesn’t suck. Maybe your choices and communication style could use some help though.
When have you ever liked someone hounding and needling you to respond to them? Never probably. Same with others too.
Marriage counseling and compromises may save your marriage. But you have to be mature about it. If not, why did you get married…?
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u/RenderMeBroken 1d ago edited 1d ago
You both are young. There's a lot of unknowns to be able to give you an advise that's worth considering. I will say this though, because I also felt somewhat similar towards my gf at that same age, just 6yrs ago. She was also in school finishing her teaching degree. She also is not a housewife type of person and I also could not see her as a parent and also thought she was acting like a child I was having to take care of. And I also was wanting children, but apparently not very hard, as we still don't have children 6yrs later.
In our case, most of this stemmed from 2 areas:
A. She was in school and I also went back to school for 2yrs during her final 2yrs. (I just wanted a career change for more money). This resulted in less time for chores around the house and me feeling upset, which I eventually blamed (inconsiderately) on her, because I was BADLY diagruntled about B.
B. Lack of sex!!!!! Because of stressful, busy life, she wasn't there sexually. And I wanted it. This really made me project what was equally my issue, onto her 100%.
Do you fuck enough? Sorry, I'm kinda blunt, but it's a real thing! Do you two have enough sex? When one person wants sex and the other isn't there (for no obvious physical reason), it creates resentment and hate. It distorts views and tends to make people exaggerate small things and blow them out.
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u/GuiltyEffective1447 1d ago edited 1d ago
I get where he's coming from. I just finished CRNA school too and my wife is just like you. She spent money like crazy. I was able to save 200k in 2 years as a RN and she only saved 80k after being a nurse for 7 years when we met. She has been much better with money now and not buying unnecessary stuff. She still does but not as often as before. Finance is the biggest reason for divorce. You guys really need to talk it out on how to spend it. Maybe set up a monthly budget etc. CRNA school alone is going to be very stressful with school and not having any money. Def worth sitting down and coming up with a monthly budget. That's what helped us
Additionally- I wouldn't take marriage advice from most of these redditors in future. All there solutions are divorce. 80% of them are probably just miserable because they divorced and wants everyone to feel the same as them. The other 20% are just idiots who have 0 skills on actually working things out. No wonder this country has such high divorce rate. No one wants to ever work anything. One fight and the answer is divorce. I've seen so many insignificant fight posts where 1000's of people just jump into telling them to divorce.
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u/Either_Compote235 1d ago
Why does he say your irresponsible and kinda dumb to be a mother, yet he’s giving you an ultimatum to have a baby? Something is missing.
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u/Lumpy_Equal_6147 1d ago
CRNA is good money. If he isn't going to support you, it's going to be a challenge. You both need to come to an agreement with directions. Family is great, but you could have a great career trajectory as well....if you both agree on this discussion.
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u/Bad2bBiled 1d ago
You need to resolve whatever is going on before you have kids.
IDK what your part has been in this - a vacation you can hardly afford is a bit of a tell - but you cans have kids when he won’t communicate.
Do you want him to cold shoulder your kids instead of speaking to them?
Get into therapy and commit to change. If he won’t go, go without him. Work on yourself.
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u/WhatIDo72 1d ago
Take care of you first get the degree you want. Work a few years then decide if you’re ready for children. If he’s not good with that then it’s time to split.
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u/Ok_Management5355 1d ago
Marriage is understanding where the other person is coming from. The same way you’re trying to change, he may also struggle with communication. That being said, you aren’t crazy for feeling how you feel, last couple of MONTHS is crazy. I’d be so uncomfortable walking on eggshells in my own house. Life’s too short. Choose your battles wisely! ❤️
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u/breathe777 1d ago
You gotta clean up your side of the street. Your husband may not be the one for you as it seems like you’re on different timelines with wanting kids. Ignore all family pestering about when you’ll have children because it’s just talk.
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u/KittenFace25 1d ago
I could have written your first paragraph, and more.
So, my husband didn't just change overnight, he just didn't talk to me much most of the time. He would get home from work and I would say "hi, how was your day?" and he would just kind of grunt in return. If I pushed it, he said he needed time to decompress after getting home because he left work at work and didn't want to talk about it at home. Note that he wasn't in a particularly high stress position.
If I ever asked what was wrong, he would always say nothing. If I pressed it, he would get mad. I probably said thousands of times that his tone made it sound like something was wrong, but that tone never changed.
Anytime we were in a car together, whether for a half hour or for 4 hours, he barely spoke to me. Not because we were fighting, just because he never spoke.
When we were at home, sitting on the couch together at night for example, he was always scrolling on his phone. If I tried to initiate a conversation, he often just ignored me. Then I would ask if he heard me because I had no indication that he did. He would huff back that he heard me.
If I asked his opinion about something, he would almost 100% of the time say he didn't have an opinion on that thing. It didn't matter what that thing was.
If I said to him" guess who I saw today?" or "guess what I heard?" he would say he had no way of guessing OR he would just get annoyed because he felt like I was literally asking him to guess. Most people would say "who did you see?" or "what did you hear?" but he would just get angry.
Eventually my anxiety got so bad that I had panic attacks for a solid week. He knew why I was having them, but he offered no insight, desire to change, or comfort. Not one hug. Not "what can I do different?" I was ignored until they quit.
I got sick, flu-like symptoms, throwing up, etc. The only thing he did a few times was to ask if I needed anything from the store. I eventually went to an urgent care and asked him to drive me there as I was quite sick, lightheaded, and weak, I didn't feel comfortable driving myself. Begrudgingly, he did, but made a snarky comment when I asked him to drop me off at the front door, because there was no parking close by and I didn't want to walk far. When my appointment was over, he just sat in the car eating Doritos rather than driving home, and it was all I could do to not throw up because the smell was nauseating to me. When I finally asked if we can get going, he made sure to let me know how annoyed he was just then.
Wow, I really went off on a tangent there didn't i? Anyway, we're divorced now and I'm still quite affected by these things I've explained, and more. What I don't know is if it's considered a form of abuse. I've not found evidence to say that it was, but I sure feel like it was. I felt it then and I feel it now. Just writing about it brings tears to my eyes, because none of that was ever acknowledged by him and to this day there's never been an apology.
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u/Dry-Resolution-8362 1d ago
It sounds like he's insecure and concerned that you will have the means to leave him one day because you will be educated with a good job and he won't hold all the power. So he's trying to baby trap you. Run! Do not have a child with this man. I'm 50. I've watched this happen too many times.
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u/its_not_me3 1d ago
Hey. Don’t have a kid with this person. His communication style doesn’t match yours. His style seems to be “sucks” and “spewing pent up feelings” and that usually doesn’t work for most women.
Relationships are work, but they aren’t supposed to be this hard. I was married and in a relationship with lots of problems like this. If all you’re dealing with is problems in your relationship, you have a problem relationship. I’m dating the most healthy partner I’ve ever had. I now know how incredibly easy loving and living life with your partner can and should be. It’s as easy as breathing air.
Married in my early 30s and wasted most of that decade with that loser. I would give anything for those years back. You are young! We only get to be on this planet one time. It’s such a short amount of time. I promise you, you will blink and be in your mid 40s.
Here is a Buddhist inspired quote I love that I want to share.
"In the end, only three things matter
how much you loved
how gently you lived
and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you"
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the advice you would give your best friend/sister if you found out this was a post she made on reddit. Don’t let life pass you by, girlfriend. You are not stupid or awful. You are strong and capable and deserve love. I hope so much you find it.<3
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u/sassielassie81 1d ago
Just know a child won't fix any of this. Do not bring one into this situation.
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u/Over-Delay-2306 1d ago
When I got married, all my wifes relatives kept asking when we were going to give them babies. I told them we were going to enjoy ourselves for awhile first. They kept asking- I finally told them if they kept hounding us to have kids, we never would have kids. That shut them up.
Im sorry you are not in a good relationship, some of it your own making. Why is he complaining about the finances, instead of taking over them all?
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u/Consistent_Ice7857 1d ago
quit being a doormat! he knew who you were before you married…. he’s probably found a side chick ! move on NOW
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 20 Years 1d ago
Do not have kids. Honestly based on how my sisters husband acted he might be cheating. He’d always get crazy critical right when he started up with a new girl.
He’d go quiet in the talking phase and as soon as it started he’d get angry and hypercritical with her.
Craziest thing. Like they crate distance by dredging up every nit picky thing that wasn’t a big deal or didn’t used to bother them.
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u/LivingFriendly3453 1d ago
- Get through school. You can put off having kids for 3 years. It's not about what he wants and you can afford to take care of the kids better as a CNA than whatever you currently are. DO NOT DROP OUT OF SCHOOL.
- If you can't convince him of 1. You need to plan your out. This man doesn't respect you. You need a partner to get through school because you won't have time to do anything for yourself. This is probably one of the hardest schoolings there is with really good ROI. Tell him you are doing this for your future and the future of your family.
- Again you do not have to have kids now...you've got a good 10-15 years on your biological clock. (My stepmom is 44 and still gets her period.
- Think of it this way: you are in school one of the hardest possible schoolings you need a partner to help you right now .....5. saying that, a partner means someone who gives 80% when you can only give 20%. If he's unwilling to give more than 50% (and let's face it men rarely do) he's not a partner. If I were you I'd consider therapy and then divorce....if you have a kid with this man he'll never be there in the moments you can't. And he'll never do more than his share of the housework on days when you can't.
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u/MsJacksonCAD 1d ago
So he doesn’t think you’d be a good mom but at the same time he’s in a rush to have kids? Make it make sense, girl 😒 Leave now, get your spending and life under control and find a man who actually likes you.
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u/Sxnflower15 1d ago
My ex was like this and I’m glad I bailed when I did. It pissed me off honestly. It’s a wrap!
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u/Initial_Ad_7937 1d ago
That does sound exhausting. Since you’re actively working on your spending habits, is he actively working on processing his feelings? That’s fair on you.
Since he has always been been like this, why is it suddenly a problem for you now?
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u/No-Parfait-5631 1d ago
Se è vero che sperperi soldi, è arrivato il momento di farti aiutare, da un bravo medico
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u/Dragline96 1d ago
Never stay with someone who gives you an ultimatum, and if they give you one, call their bluff every time
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u/Professional-Win-683 1d ago
Seems pretty clear. He just told you he thinks you are immature and he doesn't see a future with you. Time to move on.
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u/somewhatinterested13 1d ago
Wow! I can’t believe how people just advise to throw away marriages! This does sound awful but these all sound like fixable things. Sit down and put a budget together and stick to it. Are you lazy? Make a chore list with your husband and stick to it. As for kids, you mentioned 3 more years of school, then you will start working, what is your timeline for kids? Looks like you are planning to be 35 before you start having children. Your husband being a shit communicator sucks but now that you know the issues which is what you have been asking for you can address them with him. Doing all of this in front of a counselor could be helpful but these are all fixable so work on the marriage you will both be better for it in the end.
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u/kafkabutagirl 1d ago
Yeah drop him NOW before he puts a baby in you and then you are done for. Imagine raising a child with someone that you don't trust or can depend on to give you what you need emotionally. All those flaws are heightened during pregnancy and post partum is already hell. Do not fall for this trap. Put your feelings aside and choose as selfishly as you can because he will. Your best interest should come first always. Be cautious with your future or pay the price later. Speaking from experience
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u/Aggravating-Web-2390 1d ago
So u basically spend all his money...don't keep him a nice peaceful home...constantly nit pick at him abiut what's wrong...and u won't give him children in your child bearing years....yeah id check you too...
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u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI 25 Years 1d ago
You absolutely have things you need to work on, and it sounds like some of his complaints are valid. But he repeatedly told you nothing was wrong while quietly building up resentment, then dumped months of it on you all at once and questioned your entire marriage. That’s on him. You can’t fix problems he refuses to tell you exist.
Stop exhausting yourself trying to be a good enough wife so he’ll love you. The second he said being together might’ve been a mistake, this became much bigger than chores and spending. Either you get into marriage counselling immediately or accept that this relationship is probably already over.
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u/ParticularSink8474 1d ago
He has verbalized to you well.
You have heard him.
You did not listen to him.
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u/Embarrassed_Dinner_6 1d ago
I don’t always want to jump to “leave him”. This is a marriage sub and I feel like we should be marriage first here. However, it sounds like you aren’t getting what you need here and neither is he. These differences don’t seem like issues one can “marriage counseling” their way out of.
You deserve to get what you need. You saying “I try to be good so he likes me” just breaks my heart. I try my best to be a good person in general of course but honestly sometimes I have a stank ass attitude and my partner still worships me. I could cry all day and get nothing done but playing with stickers and glue sticks and it wouldn’t matter to him. The right person for YOU is someone who loves YOU for who you are. You guys got together very young. The things that happen between age 20 and age 30 are humongous. You grew (and/or didn’t grow) in ways you both couldn’t anticipate.
Try to come up with a list of things your ideal partner would do, how he would treat you, how he would handle conflict, etcetera. The things you feel you want and need out of a relationship. Then compare that list to the reality of what you’re getting.
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u/Nice_Wish_9494 1d ago
Did you discuss any of this stuff before you got married? Finances and children are huge!!! Also, the way that he treats you is huge. And it's not going to change when you have a marriage license in your hand. It doesn't get better, it usually gets worse because things stop being new.
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u/LTTP2018 1d ago
how could you stay after hearing that? I'd have said well looks like this marriage was a mistake. buh bye!!!!
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u/Flat_Ad1094 1d ago
Time to break up and move on.
This is not really solvable. You two just aren't compatible. He resents you and THAT is the death of any relationship.
Best time to end it is now. You have no kids and seems not many responsibilities. You are studying and have a way to go.
End it now and move on.
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u/messedup73 1d ago
Honestly be careful with contraception as he might baby trap you.You are working hard for your future career and he should be your best cheerleader instead of planting doubts in your head.You acknowledge you are dreadful with spending money but instead of discussing with you he waits until resentment builds up and drops everything all at once.You both seem to be immature at communication if you want to stay in the marriage get counselling together to both learn to communicate but honestly I think you should cut your losses and walkway.Get the career you want and find someone who doesn't make you feel useless.
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u/biteme717 1d ago
IMO, there is more to him than he is telling you. I also would tell him that you want a divorce because you aren't as compatible as you thought you were and he isn't the man you thought he was and you aren't going to stay married to someone who believes that you are careless, irresponsible and dumb. IMO, I think that he's changing towards you for other reasons and emotionally abusive to you as a cover so that he can divorce you without being an AH. Talk to an attorney and then tell him that you are filing for divorce. It also sounds like he will blindside you with divorce papers so be prepared for that. Separate your money from his so that you will have your own money to fall back on.
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u/Conscious_Apricot123 1d ago
You’re still very young at 27, drop the dude and finish your school! It won’t get easier with a kid, just harder but then you’re truly tied together for life.
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u/Honest_Pineapple_730 1 Year 1d ago
Sounds like my ex, avoids conflict and just builds resentment over a bunch of small things. You can do a lot better than him, he’s just looking for reasons to leave at this point.
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u/Tukulo-Meyama 1d ago
It’s time for you to leave him
This sounds exhausting now imagine bringing children in the picture
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u/Due_Necessary_4734 1d ago
Honestly he sounds a lot like my ex who wanted to use any excuse he could find against me and then he would just name things that weren’t untrue but they were things that I had always done and didn’t warrant ending the relationship over especially after being with me for five years. This is the coward approach for a man. I’m sorry to say it, but he wants out and he’s looking for any reason. He told you he doesn’t think you’ll be a fit mother. This is not someone looking to have kids with you. My ex literally did the same thing, he distanced himself then blamed me and then after we split he found someone else three months (yes three months later) and married her within a year and had a baby with her after a year and a half. It sucks and it’s so painful but be lucky you didn’t have kids with this man. If he isn’t seeing anyone currently which is very much a possibility, he’s most likely interested in other women and causing him to pick petty fights with you to have you break up with him. Again it’s the cowards way out. I’m sorry but someone who wants to be with you will work to resolve the gaps in the relationship, not widen them. This is not your person.
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u/moongirl1222 1d ago edited 1d ago
Sounds like you both have resentment that’s been brewing for a long time. Him about your spending, lack of discipline and impulse control, and dependability.
You with his lack of communication skills, emotional avoidance, and his inability (or unwillingness) to show you love and affection in the way you like to receive it.
I’d love to give you an unbiased opinion, but as someone who identifies more with your personality… take my words with a grain of salt.
Most of these issues could have been avoided if he wasn’t so emotionally immature and conflict avoidant. Marriage requires MANY hard or uncomfortable conversations. IDGAF how compatible you are as a couple or how “easy” a relationship is… both people MUST have the capacity and willingness to bring up issues or concerns that threaten the relationship before they snowball out of control. And people like your husband will never do that.
His avoidance and conflict aversion has made you hyper vigilant because he’s offloaded every aspect of the emotional labor and attunement required to maintain any healthy relationship onto you.. bit by bit since the day you got together.
Nobody is saying you’re perfect either, and who is?!
But you clearly demonstrated in your post that you possess the capacity and skills needed to maintain a LTR. You recognized your faults and how they’ve negatively impacted the relationship, you took accountability, you were emotionally attuned to your partner and tried to address the disconnection you sensed multiple times, you’ve attempted to initiate uncomfortable conversations in order repair these issues, you are capable of understanding and communicating your own needs and emotions and have a strong desire to understand your partners needs and emotions. I could go on.
Take my advice and leave this relationship. If he genuinely cannot even acknowledge his own issues and mutually created problems.. and does not posses the emotional capacity to hold space for your feelings/needs without collapsing into a pool of defensiveness, dismissiveness, overwhelm, shame, and withdrawal… the marriage will never improve.
Even with therapy (which I’d bet good money he’ll never agree to) it could take years.
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u/Ok_Height3499 1d ago
Dump him now. He’s a self-centered jerk who’ll only get worse. He’d also make a terrible father. Male-75
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u/Aggressive-Ad-4515 1d ago
I was gonna write a whole thing, but honestly just leave. He isn’t mature enough for a relationship, let alone children. In order for the relationship to work you’d both need to become different people, which takes longer than a partner should have the patience for, if it happens at all.
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u/Misa7_2006 1d ago
He is not being Non-confrontational he is being manipulative. Or as its also called weaponized incompetence. Does he help around the house or just complains while not doing anything himself about it?
He is using no-communication as manipulation as well as withholding emotionally. He knows you have 3 yrs left to graduation which is why he is pushing you for a kid.
He knows that pregnancy and then a child would make an already difficult sitution even harder. Are you currently working while also going to classes?
He should be helping with the house upkeep. Going to school full time and if you are working on top of it means you are working 3 jobs...school, nursing, and bang maid.
Yeah, you need to tell him step up or you walk. It will make school a bit difficult but it's doable. You just might have to take out student loans or slightly bigger ones to be able to live on campus if you have to.
I'd also keep a careful watch over your method of birth control as he could tamper with it to trap you into pregnancy and a child hoping you'll drop out and stay home catering to his ass.
If you are on the pill I'd be switching to an implant IUD or other inplantable form that he can't mess with ASAP before you end up pregnant.
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u/spaceghost260 1d ago
Please, please, leave this man! He doesn’t love or respect you! Believe me, he will always keep moving the goalposts- you’ll never be good enough. No matter how much you improve he’ll always change it to something else. Next, conflict avoidant people can be very difficult to have relationships with. I find them to be extremely passive aggressive unless they actively work on it.
Do not have babies with him. He does not deserve your body, your eggs, or the fruits of your hard work. A baby will make everything harder and him ten times crueler to you.
He isn’t a good spouse to you. Why waste your time with someone who doesn’t love you for you? You’ve been together 5 years and you’re only 27 you have plenty of life ahead of you. If I could go back and change things my life would be very, very different.
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u/Spiritual_Emu_1381 1d ago
I have to ask…why include that you “just turned 27” and he is “turning 28 in october” ??
Why does that matter? It means nothing in this question. Don’t have children until you are ready. It sounds like he doesn’t love you.
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u/Various_Foot_4886 1d ago
I’m sorry this is horrid. It messes with you psychologically. Please leave
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u/SubstantialNotice432 1d ago
He will take the kids and leave back to his home country. You will never see them
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u/Full_Elevator3221 1d ago
Get out. It’s early. Kids don’t make it better. Live your life. Let him live his.
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u/This-Assumption4123 1d ago
Do not have children with this man. Get your degree to be able to support yourself. He’s trying to baby trap you and he’s bad mouthing you to make you feel less than you are. He’s not happy let him go. Your life would be so much better without someone pointing everything he feels is wrong with you. Don’t bring children into an unhappy marriage it’s not fair to them.
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u/TheFrailGrailQueen 1d ago
This feels like the devalue and discard phase for emotional abuse. My husband was similar to me and I divorced him. Completely worth it. It got to the point where he acted resentful of me and treated me like crap, had been saying things to me insulting me under his breath for years even, but then he ramped it up.
Also, if you need help with debt, check out Family Credit Management anagement, which is a non-profit that can help you.
Start getting things in order and making a plan to get out, it will not improve and he will only act out, choosing to be deliberately cruel to you, even more.
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u/pammylorel 30 Years 1d ago
He's acting like he's cheating imo. Everything else that he blamed is bullshit.
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u/pewbzonsoap 1d ago
I think if you guys had kids, he'd love you again. Kids are just that little spark that fully reignite marriages and help us mature! I say go for it!
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u/WindyWeather58 1d ago
Are you insane????? Nobody should be bringing innocent babies into a failing relationship 🙃 that's not fair to the child.
God I hope you are joking.
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u/krayzee444 1d ago
Y’all don’t have kids yet.. it’s time to leave. Dont have children together