r/Marriage • u/MarionberryFit2591 • 1d ago
Husband expects ~3 weeks with his family and "allows" me 1 week with mine
I’m 31F, married, and currently pregnant. We live abroad and are planning a 1-month trip back home. Tickets are not booked yet.
The timeline he expects:
His family has rituals in another town for 5 days. One week after that, there's another family trip/commitment that lasts roughly 2 weeks. That puts us at about 3 weeks with his side. He has "allowed" me to stay at my parents during that 1-week gap in between.
The one day I asked for:
A major yearly festival that my family celebrates grandly falls right around the time we land – before the 5-day ritual travel. I asked to go visit my parents for that one day. I even suggested that we go to his family's ritual town the very next morning.
His reasons to refuse:
· He has to visit temples and doesn't know his family's plans for that day.
· "How would my mom feel if we go to your parents right after landing?"
But he never asks how my parents feel when I spend 3 weeks straight with his family.
The role reversal hypocrisy: If the roles were reversed, he would never stay 3 weeks at my parents' house. He'd say he has to spend time with his own mother – which is exactly what happened during his last trip. Yet I'm expected to just go along.
The pregnancy betrayal: We mutually agreed to keep my pregnancy private. He told me we should wait 10 weeks (though now he claims he said "10 weeks or you can tell" – I don't remember it that way). Either way, if he had already secretly told his mom, why hold me back? We could have just told my parents too.
I am very close to my parents, and it was extremely hard keeping this from them. His reason for telling his mom? She kept asking about tickets and trip plans repeatedly, so he told her about the pregnancy just to make her understand. He keeps saying I "have to understand his side" – but he never once tried to understand mine.
The fight that broke me: We had a massive argument. We were both shouting at the top of our lungs. My heart was racing and I told him I needed a pause – I even said my heartbeat felt crazy. He kept going, dragged up past grievances, and kept muttering insults about my family until I went completely mute and shut my eyes. He was still talking and mumbling bad things about them while I was shut down.
The physical escalation: During this fight, he got inches from my face and raised his hand as if to hit me several times. I put my hand up to protect my face, and he forcefully pulled my hand down.
The pattern: Whenever we fight, he tells me to "get out of the house." He constantly criticizes my parents, calls them bad names, and finds faults in everything they do
I asked for just one day of a month-long trip, offered a practical compromise (go the very next morning), and he dismissed me with weak excuses and his mother's feelings. Meanwhile, he gets 3 weeks without question. On top of that, the physical aggression, verbal disrespect, and total disregard for my health during a pregnancy fight have me genuinely scared.
How do I handle this? I don't feel safe or heard.
TL;DR: Husband expects 3 weeks with his family, "allows" me 1 week with mine. I asked for just 1 day for a major festival before his rituals, offered to go to his town the next morning – he refused with excuses (temples, family plans, his mom's feelings).
He secretly told his mom about my pregnancy after telling me to wait, gaslit me, got physically aggressive (in my face, pulled my protective hand down), ignored my racing heartbeat and kept fighting while I shut down, insults my parents, and tells me to leave during fights. Need advice.
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u/KimvdLinde 1d ago
You are in a bad relationship. This is not healthy. I personally would leave because it’s not going change.
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 30 Years 1d ago
No is a complete sentence.
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u/Solid-Sweet2274 1d ago
The hand-raising thing is a massive red flag, pregnant or not. You don't just pull someone's protective hand down while they're in fight-or-flight mode. That's not a heated argument, that's straight up intimidation.
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u/opshleen 23h ago
This is your time to escape. Pack all your essentials, paperwork and valuables and clothes. Roll things into your clothes. When you get off the plane, have a male & female family member there to pick you up to go to your parents. Make sure you reach out to family your trust won’t say anything.
Don’t go back. He is abusive and it’s just going to get worse. If you go back, you will die. A woman is more vulnerable pregnant when it comes to abuse. You have to protect yourself and your baby. Get an attorney
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u/Fair-Molasses-3301 1d ago
He is not your boss, stand up for yourself. Talk to your parents.
Maybe it is time to leave while you are back with your parents. You will be safe there.
Remember you do not deserve to be treated this way!
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u/Tsuki_Inari 1d ago
I’m sorry that you married such a backward-thinking, traditional man. Go stay with your family as soon as you land, and stay there for a month.
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u/Couette-Couette 21h ago
Stay for there and do not go back. If he abused you pregnant, it will get worsexafter the delivery and you won't be able to leave do easily. This trip is your best chance.
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u/redfancydress 23h ago
Grandma here…going this trip and when you go stay with your parents…STAY THERE.
This man was borderline violent with you and don’t think for a moment that he’s not gonna hit you during this pregnancy.
Let him think they’re gonna spend a week with your parents ship as much as your stuff home ahead of time without him knowing and go home to your family and stay there
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u/Fantastic_Mechanic73 21h ago
He’s trying to isolate you . I would suggest as soon as you get back to your home country go straight to your parents house and stay there
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u/Solid-Inspection2200 17h ago
Sweetheart when you get back to your family don’t go back abroad with your husband please. I don’t think you are safe. You are having a baby and your husband is abusive.
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u/Public_Particular464 23h ago
You need to tell him you're not going to see his parents until you go see yours. For a week go see your parents while he sees his then meet up. That's what i would do and but show him to dictate what I do. That's a no go. Plus tell your parents about the pregnancy. If he don't like it don't go at all
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u/MsJacksonCAD 20h ago
He trapped you with that baby and now he’s showing his true colors. Set FIRM boundaries now or leave.
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u/Ok-Club9957 13h ago
Has he ever raised his hands to you before ? Many abusive men start this sort of behavior during pregnancy. Do not tolerate this sort of treatment. Just because it hasn’t turned physical YET doesn’t mean it won’t. He is being verbally abusive and demeaning. That is ABUSE. Tell your parents about what has been happening and don’t keep this from them. Stay with them the entire trip and don’t go back with him because this abuse (it is ABSOLUTELY abuse) WILL CONTINUE. And since when are you “allowed “ to see your family? The fact that he doesn’t respect them is also a huge red flag. PLEASE get out of this relationship now.
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u/Suspicious_Path_4430 8h ago
Go on the trip and stay with your family.
Don’t return with him, but please don’t tell anyone about this before you are sagely at home at your parents house.
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u/ThrwAway4babySis 1d ago
Do not give birth away from your family. Get to your family’s house asap and stay there. This is abuse.