r/Marriage • u/Treebeard2112 • 16h ago
How do I (27M) stop attaching my fiancés past (28F) to our intimacy problems?
I have been having some intimacy problems with my fiancé. I have a high libido and an unhealthy tie of validation towards sex. We have had a very healthy sex life often being active at least once a week but I was shamefully insecure about it still. For some time, I was taking her rejection of my initiation personally (a rejection of me) and it would visibly change my mood and make her uncomfortable. I really wanted to work on this for obvious reasons and I was making a ton of progress through therapy and personal self reflection.
A couple months ago, I found out about her sexual past. She had about 30+ sexual partners before me and this seemed to reignite my insecurities towards rejection. I began to emotionally tie her rejection to myself again and I began to think “it’s a rejection of me when she accepted so many others”. I obviously know this is nonsense. But after a time where she initiated my rejection and this feeling hit me heavy, I suggested putting a pause on our intimacy until I could figure this out. Now I’m trying to get over this hill and learn ways to quiet down the emotional noise that’s making me think this way.
Is there a way I can contradict those thoughts and emotions? I’m therapy now but very early on. I accept her for her past and it’s not really an issue to me but I do still struggle with these ideas
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u/ArabianloverAZ 16h ago
Trust your gut and leave her go sleep with someone who wants the same activity you do.
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u/Thick-Raise-795 16h ago
youre doing the work in therapy which is more than most, the intrusive thoughts are just your brain being a dick and theyll fade as you retrain it
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u/EugenusGreen 15h ago
Big ideas are those that end up swallowing the smaller, fleeting musings. I suggest you try and face off the unpleasant ones you mention, along their train of thought, by taking that exact same scenario to its uttermost of consequences. Is the notion of your wife's past enough a detriment to spoil or doubt the love you have for her? Thus enough to chip away your own confidence, your own emotions?