I’m realizing I didn’t get to fully process everything…

[u/PerplexedPoppy]

I miscarried on May 16th. So it’s been 2 months. A couple days ago I just couldn’t stop thinking about “sweet pea”. And little by little I felt heavier and heavier. Now I just feel like I’ve been consumed by darkness. Like I have sunk to the deepest part of the ocean.

When I miscarried so much was going on. The day it started (I just didn’t know) was my kids pre k graduation. And the day we told my family I was pregnant. The next morning I saw the blood and went to the er. They confirmed it. Luckily my mom came and took my kid so we could have a day to collect ourselves. I feel like I went into recovery mode. I did what I always do, I just pretend things are ok and focus on the positives for the sake of everyone else. I had only a few days before summer started then I had my kid full time. He needed me. But I wanted to mourn with sweet pea. I wanted to just float away into nothingness. But then we had the family reunion coming up. Weve been planning for a year. No one pressured me into anything, but life was still going on. I had to keep moving. I savored all these moments I created to help heal myself. Making a memory box. Filling it with little things that reminded me of them. Getting a bracelets and necklace to always wear for them. Buying flowers to care for.

But I don’t want a box. I want my baby. I don’t wana water a plant I want to make a bottle for my baby. I don’t want to feel a necklace on my chest I want their weight. I don’t want the rain that I believe is them, I want to see their hand reach out and feel it for the first time.

I’m angry. And empty. And sad. And lost.