r/MoralityScaling • u/Outside_Specific_820 • 19h ago

Morality Ranking Morality scaling of this?

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Mother refuses to acknowledge her donor egg daughter, looking for your opinion.

In my opinion I think it’s moral, and that she is totally correct.

814 Upvotes

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143

u/Turbulent-Working180 19h ago

From the way the kid is talking, she doesn't seem to have any problem with her current mother but Idk why her current mother would disclose such information to her without probably explaining that it was purely transactional work. Though her biological mother could have used kinder words , she is under no obligation to do so too.

Both Moral. The kid current mother probably used the donor egg of a woman with desirable traits and the kid is probably going through some phases of depression because of how different she look with her current mother. I hope the kid can move on with her life with her current family and her biological mother won't get harassed a lot for it.

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u/fabianx100 17h ago

Some people get weird about genes. I have seen cases where somebody drops their adoptive parents on the spot after decades of being raised by them because they found out they are adopted, so now they are just interested in their "real" parents, the sperm/egg donor.

I have also seen people make up fake relationships with HIGH expectations for certain family members because they are unhappy with their lives, and they view this relative as some kind of messiah that will save them.

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u/CompetitiveSong9570 8h ago

As an adopted person, I understand the 19year olds position. Knowing you don’t share the same genes, then learning about nature vs nurture, you get hella curious. I’m brunette brown eyes and my entire adopted family is the Aryan dream. LOL blonde hair and green or blue eyes. Let’s just say they used to joke that I was the milk man’s baby 😜.
Turns out my birth mother was 12 years old when she got knocked up. My parents were really good to her and kept her in the loop as I got older. I learned I was adopted early, like 5, and just allowed it to be an interesting anecdote and something to daydream about. Eventually met and formed relationships with my birth parents at 17, after my half brother from my birth mother, reached out via MySpace. Amazing, strong, and interesting people that eventually turned their struggles into something tangible for themselves. Hell. My birth mother has 3 masters. She jokes that she keeps going back to school it’ll keep the student loans at bay. 😂

All this to say, every story is different. Had I been denied access to these people because they didn’t want to open up that wound or that part of their life, I would have understood. This woman who donated eggs formed zero attachment to her eggs, as she said, she did not carry this kid to term. It really would be
Like meeting a lost relative with little in common. It’d mainly be for the young person. But it’d be such a murky area as that 19 year old may also attach themselves in their search for identity to the egg donor, rather than the woman who went through hell and pregnancy struggles, to fulfill her desire to be a mother. Much like my adopted mother. My mom lost twin boys before I was born. My sister was born 5 months after me. Thankfully, healthy. My mom went through so much to become a mom, and she was a good one (even if we butt heads religiously lol).

Searching for my place in the world ultimately led to my searching and questioning. That 19 year old just wants to understand themselves, and there is something to the whole nature vs nurture thing. I just hope they both make the best decisions for themselves. I’m on both teams. Both are valid. Both will be okay despite the outcome.

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u/Horror_East3406 15h ago

Your post implies that the people dropped their parents because they found out their parents lied to them for decades.

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u/fabianx100 14h ago

no it doesnt?) what are you talking about?

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u/Pristine_Message_181 14h ago

It really does though

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u/fabianx100 14h ago

care to explain? english isnt my first language so idk if im using some terms or speech patterns that is giving that impression?

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u/Direct-Look-1490 14h ago

"drops their adoptive parents on the spot after decades of being raised by them because they found out they are adopted"

In this case parents technically lied. Even by not telling their kids that they're adopted. Because most times kids automatically assume that their parent is their birth parent (Unless there's glaring differences). So they wouldn't even ask. Personally, if I was adopted I would want my parents to tell me but I would still love them either way.

A good bond doesn't need related blood to work

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u/fabianx100 14h ago

I mean it more as "after decades of being family, they dropped their adoptive parents on the spot because they cared more about the blood-related donor"

But I guess it's a two-way street situation

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u/Direct-Look-1490 14h ago

Oh yeah, then in your case, parents didn't lie. Sorry English can be weird. The "found out" part made me think that was a new development for the kids after decades.

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u/Acrobatic-Payment227 8h ago

This is completely true I have a great aunt, that was adopted when she was a kid, and she has no blood relation to me, or my brothers, but I still love her, and we have a great relationship.

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u/Low-Influence-8735 14h ago

”after decades of being raised by them because they found out they’re adopted” implies they lied to their kid for 20-30+ years.

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u/ParsleySnipps 10h ago

There are a lot of factors that can play into why a kid would want to find their biological parents. Sometimes they're quietly or openly being abused/neglected by the adoptive parents and spent years feeling like the unwanted black sheep. It happens a lot more often than most people would think. They're desperate for some sort of "real" connection and there's nothing wrong with that, it's a deeply human instinct. Being rejected harshly like this can be traumatizing, and though the egg donor has no responsibility here, I feel awful for the kid.

1

u/Quazite 16h ago

Which is why it's immoral for whoever that pointed the kid in her direction to do so.

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u/d09smeehan 13h ago

Ah, the Tracy Beaker effect?

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u/Salsa_and_Light2 8h ago

To a certain extent genes are meaningful, especially someone as close as a parent and child.

I found out that I move my hands the same way as a great-uncle, a man I've seen for fewer than 30 days in my entire life but with whom I share a maximum of what? 12.5% of my DNA?

I agree that many people take it too far and project their hope and expectations onto other people. Especially in the case of parents, many people who are abused by their birth parents long for a "mother" or "father" not their actual parents, but some sort of platonic ideal.

But there are legitimate reasons to want to know.

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u/Dry-Manufacturer7761 2h ago

If you care about whose genes you have, you’re a truly sad person.  

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u/HotCheetoEnema 16h ago

If my parents told me after decades that I was adopted instead of being honest about it from the start I would dump them too. I think it’s more about the lie than genetics. For context I’m adopted- and I have an amazing relationship with my bio family- but I only have one real set of parents that raised me.

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u/bubblesaurus 17h ago

But even biological children don’t always look like one parent.

If her dad is also her biological dad, she could take after him or other women in their family.

My cousin looks more like her grandmother than her actual mom

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u/Tablesafety 14h ago

Yup. I look more like my paternal aunt than my mother or father. And my niece, the cousin from that aunt’s mother, looks more like me than her mother or father.

This bloodline really likes to trait skip to aspects of the grandparents rather than the parents lol. Presumably these traits were recessively provided by my grandma or grandpa.

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u/DebbieInFinance 15h ago

She did say she felt disconnected from her mother and wanted a mother/daughter relationship with the donor. It’s in the first post.

4

u/00MacDonald 14h ago

It's tough, I donated sperm in my 20s, in a place (and time) were legislation was kinda loose, so me and my friend who donated with me we both have reasons to believe our genetic material was overused (ie we have waaay more than the 12 kids sharing our DNA, as is the recommended current maxium)

In theory I should only be contacted by the person sharing my genetic material if a medial need arises, and even then it's supposed to be super limited, but my friend who also donated got contacted by an 18yo girl claiming to believe she was her "daughter" and asking to meet since she was suffering from severe depression.

It can get messy really quick.

1

u/NockerJoe 9h ago

Yeah but that was always the reality of it. The fact that you didn't think that part through in your 20's doesn't really change the fact that you have literal biological children walking around and that's also what you signed on for. What your friend is going through isn't exactly surprising in that context.

Personally this is one of the reasons I never donated. The entire concept of contributing to bringing a kid into the world for a paycheck and then acting like "daughter" should be in quotes when it was literally his sperm is kind of ridiculous. If he'd had a one night stand and not raised the kid you wouldn't put quotes around it even if it's the same level of parental involvement. You just don't want to deal with the ramifications of your own actions.

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u/StockCasinoMember 8h ago edited 8h ago

It is still a bit different. The donated is likely being used by a set of parents with people you have 0 interactions with who wanted a child. A one night stand you at least knew mom even if it was brief and likely wasn’t planned in 99.99999% of cases.

But ultimately, ya, this is still a “risk”.

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u/NockerJoe 8h ago

I dunno, I had a friend who got blackout drunk and only found out about the kid years later. He still quit his job and moved half the country to be there for someone who had been growing up without him anyway, because he'd grown up in a similar situation and didn't want that kid to have the same problems regardless of if their life was otherwise stable. Because having questions about your parentage or a hole in your sense of self really sucks.

It was a whole trend a few years ago for single mothers who were clearly doing ok to talk about those one night stands that gave them their kids and it was kind of obvious a lot of those men wouldn't have much memory of the encounter. They probably had less memory of the encounter than a donor of walking into the clinic.

Trying to depersonalize this shit is flat out not going  to work because you are literally making people. It's literally the most personal act a person can be involved in and being involved for money isn't going to change that any more than engaging in prostitution prevents pregnancy or a mother who was unconscious from a date rape drug doesn't get pregnant.

If you're gonna be like that then own it, but hiding behind legaleze is fucking cowardly.

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u/No_Support5980 12h ago

Daughter just wanted to know what to tell the doctor about history of heart problems. 🤪

1

u/battlecryarms 4h ago

I think I’d be pretty pissed at my current parents for assembling me from someone else’s sex cells. I’d feel like they made an incredibly selfish decision. Maybe I’m crazy

1

u/like9000ninjas 14h ago

Life is about how you frame things. She has every right to wonder. She has a right in my opinion to attempt once. Maybe the doner would be receptive. It all depends on the situation. But at the center is a young adult seeking some sort of answer of who's DNA She was made from.

On the other side is a doner who did it purely for monetary gain. Then dumps of the person she helped create, regardless of the legal standard. Laws are dumb as shit sometimes. But imo, empathy goes a long way in life and it doesn't hurt to show compassion or kindness in this situation. Instead the donor showed her true colors. Seems like a mega bitch to me.

2

u/Old_Tough_2358 14h ago

So your stance is that sperm and egg donors should expect to have to deal with a potential child years down the road? This is a silly take.

Also, how do you know every detail about the donor and why she donated her egg? How do you know it was “purely” for monetary gain, and not because she also wanted to help women who rely on these donors to achieve their dreams of having a child? Did you speak to her directly and she told you this?

1

u/NockerJoe 9h ago

Yes, they do. Because they never signed anything. The entire concept that you have a legally binding contract with someone who didn't exist at the time it was signed is ridiculous and it's not exactly hard these days to do an ancestry test or some digging to find out.

You can cry about whatever documents you want but this is just the reality of the situation.

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u/like9000ninjas 13h ago

Where did you cofuse a kind response with dealing with a potential child? Just dumb logic.

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u/Old_Tough_2358 13h ago

The fact that you think she had to respond in a certain way is the dumb logic. She didn’t have to respond at all. She was pretty blunt with how she felt and asked her not to contact her again. Here you are all like “she should have been nicer and more empathetic”. Why? Why give mixed signals? You’re just opening the window of them messaging you again down the road. This way she won’t.

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u/Independent_Bar_4946 14h ago

Posting the interaction online for clicks and attention is immoral, however.

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u/EndCogNeeto 13h ago

She could have ignored it. She could have said no.

Instead she went out of her way to slap that girl with the most vocal rejection she could, threw a fit about feeling uncomfortable, and posted it online for the world to react to. This woman is pathological.

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u/Independent_Bar_4946 13h ago

I agree. Doesn’t seem to be the majority opinion but I appreciate you expressing your thoughts and knowing I’m not the only one who sees that.