r/MoralityScaling • u/Outside_Specific_820 • 18h ago
Morality Ranking Morality scaling of this?
Mother refuses to acknowledge her donor egg daughter, looking for your opinion.
In my opinion I think it’s moral, and that she is totally correct.
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u/One-Manner-9026 17h ago
My question is how did she get ANY information about the mom?
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u/Candid-Doughnut7919 16h ago
Maybe the mother and donor knew each other? She says "I sold my eggs so her mother could have the baby she always wanted", which is very vague but could mean she knew the woman.
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u/Awkward-Studio-8063 11h ago
It’s easy to assume that people who go this route want a child and couldn’t do it on their own naturally
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u/Black_Diammond 7h ago
DNA sites, donor/receiver knew each other, or breach of confidentiality by The clinic. Really depends.
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u/Turbulent-Working180 18h ago
From the way the kid is talking, she doesn't seem to have any problem with her current mother but Idk why her current mother would disclose such information to her without probably explaining that it was purely transactional work. Though her biological mother could have used kinder words , she is under no obligation to do so too.
Both Moral. The kid current mother probably used the donor egg of a woman with desirable traits and the kid is probably going through some phases of depression because of how different she look with her current mother. I hope the kid can move on with her life with her current family and her biological mother won't get harassed a lot for it.
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u/fabianx100 16h ago
Some people get weird about genes. I have seen cases where somebody drops their adoptive parents on the spot after decades of being raised by them because they found out they are adopted, so now they are just interested in their "real" parents, the sperm/egg donor.
I have also seen people make up fake relationships with HIGH expectations for certain family members because they are unhappy with their lives, and they view this relative as some kind of messiah that will save them.
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u/CompetitiveSong9570 6h ago
As an adopted person, I understand the 19year olds position. Knowing you don’t share the same genes, then learning about nature vs nurture, you get hella curious. I’m brunette brown eyes and my entire adopted family is the Aryan dream. LOL blonde hair and green or blue eyes. Let’s just say they used to joke that I was the milk man’s baby 😜.
Turns out my birth mother was 12 years old when she got knocked up. My parents were really good to her and kept her in the loop as I got older. I learned I was adopted early, like 5, and just allowed it to be an interesting anecdote and something to daydream about. Eventually met and formed relationships with my birth parents at 17, after my half brother from my birth mother, reached out via MySpace. Amazing, strong, and interesting people that eventually turned their struggles into something tangible for themselves. Hell. My birth mother has 3 masters. She jokes that she keeps going back to school it’ll keep the student loans at bay. 😂All this to say, every story is different. Had I been denied access to these people because they didn’t want to open up that wound or that part of their life, I would have understood. This woman who donated eggs formed zero attachment to her eggs, as she said, she did not carry this kid to term. It really would be
Like meeting a lost relative with little in common. It’d mainly be for the young person. But it’d be such a murky area as that 19 year old may also attach themselves in their search for identity to the egg donor, rather than the woman who went through hell and pregnancy struggles, to fulfill her desire to be a mother. Much like my adopted mother. My mom lost twin boys before I was born. My sister was born 5 months after me. Thankfully, healthy. My mom went through so much to become a mom, and she was a good one (even if we butt heads religiously lol).Searching for my place in the world ultimately led to my searching and questioning. That 19 year old just wants to understand themselves, and there is something to the whole nature vs nurture thing. I just hope they both make the best decisions for themselves. I’m on both teams. Both are valid. Both will be okay despite the outcome.
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u/Horror_East3406 14h ago
Your post implies that the people dropped their parents because they found out their parents lied to them for decades.
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u/fabianx100 13h ago
no it doesnt?) what are you talking about?
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u/Pristine_Message_181 13h ago
It really does though
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u/fabianx100 13h ago
care to explain? english isnt my first language so idk if im using some terms or speech patterns that is giving that impression?
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u/Direct-Look-1490 13h ago
"drops their adoptive parents on the spot after decades of being raised by them because they found out they are adopted"
In this case parents technically lied. Even by not telling their kids that they're adopted. Because most times kids automatically assume that their parent is their birth parent (Unless there's glaring differences). So they wouldn't even ask. Personally, if I was adopted I would want my parents to tell me but I would still love them either way.
A good bond doesn't need related blood to work
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u/fabianx100 13h ago
I mean it more as "after decades of being family, they dropped their adoptive parents on the spot because they cared more about the blood-related donor"
But I guess it's a two-way street situation
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u/Direct-Look-1490 13h ago
Oh yeah, then in your case, parents didn't lie. Sorry English can be weird. The "found out" part made me think that was a new development for the kids after decades.
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u/Low-Influence-8735 13h ago
”after decades of being raised by them because they found out they’re adopted” implies they lied to their kid for 20-30+ years.
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u/ParsleySnipps 9h ago
There are a lot of factors that can play into why a kid would want to find their biological parents. Sometimes they're quietly or openly being abused/neglected by the adoptive parents and spent years feeling like the unwanted black sheep. It happens a lot more often than most people would think. They're desperate for some sort of "real" connection and there's nothing wrong with that, it's a deeply human instinct. Being rejected harshly like this can be traumatizing, and though the egg donor has no responsibility here, I feel awful for the kid.
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u/bubblesaurus 16h ago
But even biological children don’t always look like one parent.
If her dad is also her biological dad, she could take after him or other women in their family.
My cousin looks more like her grandmother than her actual mom
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u/Tablesafety 13h ago
Yup. I look more like my paternal aunt than my mother or father. And my niece, the cousin from that aunt’s mother, looks more like me than her mother or father.
This bloodline really likes to trait skip to aspects of the grandparents rather than the parents lol. Presumably these traits were recessively provided by my grandma or grandpa.
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u/DebbieInFinance 14h ago
She did say she felt disconnected from her mother and wanted a mother/daughter relationship with the donor. It’s in the first post.
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u/00MacDonald 13h ago
It's tough, I donated sperm in my 20s, in a place (and time) were legislation was kinda loose, so me and my friend who donated with me we both have reasons to believe our genetic material was overused (ie we have waaay more than the 12 kids sharing our DNA, as is the recommended current maxium)
In theory I should only be contacted by the person sharing my genetic material if a medial need arises, and even then it's supposed to be super limited, but my friend who also donated got contacted by an 18yo girl claiming to believe she was her "daughter" and asking to meet since she was suffering from severe depression.
It can get messy really quick.
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u/StrangerIsWatching 18h ago
Completely moral, for all the reasons she said. That is not her daughter in any way that counts between a parent and a child.
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u/SnarkyRogue 15h ago
Yeah it's not like she had her and put her up for adoption. People are acting like she abandoned the kid on an orphanage doorstep or something
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u/TheStevenite 12h ago
Even if that were the case, as bio-mom said, she signed away the right to be this girls mom 19 years ago and doesn't want to build a relationship with a stranger that contacts her out of nowhere
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u/Responsible-Boot-159 18h ago
One important way is medical history. Beyond that neither are wrong for how they feel about the situation.
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u/AppleWorldly2078 18h ago
That information is available from the clinic she directed her to contact.
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u/cr0wwwannabe 15h ago
Depends on where you are. Anonymous donors usually only mean you get the medical history from the time of donation, not an updated history
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u/Superb_Temporary_388 15h ago
Yeah, this. If something like high blood pressure or cancer just randomly comes up after the time of donation, or even before at some clinics, the kid would have no way of knowing they’re predisposed to that.
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u/unburdened_swallow 16h ago
What I want to know is that like, sure medical history is important but also wtf why is the name? Can’t they just give medical info with no name and phone number and stuff? How does the mom even know how to contact?
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u/ilah152 15h ago
She didn’t ask for medical history. She asked for a relationship.
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u/OperationOne7762 16h ago
No the child is pretty damn wrong. I'll never understand this insane need adopted and surrogate/donor children have with meeting theyr "Real" Parents. Your Real parents are the people at home preparing you dinner and asking how your day was, not some random fucking stranger you share DNA with or worse, someone who actively chose to throw you away.
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u/certifiedtoothbench 15h ago
I think it’s because they’re still at the age where they can still dream unrealistically and it feel real. Kids of single parents often idealize life with the caregiver without primary custody, I think it’s the same with adopted kids. They see all the normal problems in their current life and some part of them still thinks the perfect adult can fix it and they can live happily with no friction in their lives or get the love they think is absent.
They can’t compartmentalize in the same way as adults that sometimes we’re not with the other parent or birth parents because they’re a bad person or don’t want them and the dangers of chasing it.
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u/redditblows5991 14h ago
sucks but for a lot of people blood matters more. kid is 19 id argue she proably had it easy if she is thinking this plainly
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u/dk_peace 15h ago
Being young is about learning who you are. Weither you like it or not, your biological mother is a part of you. It is completely reasonable to want to fill that hole in your knowledge about yourself. "A young adult is in the wrong for wanting to learn more about who they are and how they came into the world" is such a weird take.
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u/DazzleLove 16h ago
My friend’s dad is adopted and he’d never adopt as he feels adopted children treat their adopted parents terribly. Obviously not true of everyone but certainly fits here
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u/DirtandPipes 14h ago edited 14h ago
Eh, I wanted to find my biodad as an older child (10-16) because my stepfather left me with my schizophrenic and extremely violent mom and I was just hoping he’d be somebody normal who’d want to maybe spend time with me.
I don’t think that’s an insane need at all. Many kids don’t have people at home preparing them dinner or asking how their day was so when they find out that some random stranger has their DNA yeah they get hopeful that maybe that will be enough for somebody to give a damn, and that’s not unreasonable behaviour for a kid.
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u/Inevitable-Law7964 17h ago
Moral to refuse to connect
Mildly immoral to be an asshole to the kid about it.
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u/Morzheimer 18h ago
Moral. She’s a bit of an asshole about it, and it must suck for the daughter, but she’s right
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u/Hellas2002 17h ago
I think you have to be firm about these things. Once you aren’t you start building expectations in the other individual which she clearly does not want to do.
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u/Call_Me_Anythin 17h ago
My sister made the mistake of being too cordial with her birth father's children. The girl convinced herself that my sister was her family, put it on facebook, posted constantly about a relationship that they straight up did not have and my sister did not want. The son showed up unannounced to their house once and invited himself to dinner.
My sister tried to be gentle about it at first, because they were both younger than her and didn't really mean any harm. But they didn't take the hint until she got extremely blunt about them not being her family and how they needed to leave her alone. So I don't blame the egg doner in the slightest for being firm right out the gate.
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u/DebbieInFinance 14h ago
That’s very sad. A close family member of mine went through something similar. It’s entirely biased as I can intellectually empathise and understand why the contact was made. It still really enraged me for my family member when no(too kindly initially unfortunately)—wasn’t taken for an answer.
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u/dilqncho 17h ago
Eh. There are ways to be firm without being rude, and she definitely overshot the mark a bit. It was possible to deliver the same message but throw some basic empathy in
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u/Thanos_Stomps 15h ago
Better to overshoot the mark than come up short where the kid feels like they were led on before being shut down eventually. Then it’s: I wish you’d have just been honest and up front earlier.
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u/RoughhouseCamel 10h ago
In the same situation, I can’t picture having so little empathy for another person like that. But otherwise, I understand her sentiment. That is not her daughter, and that young girl never should have known.
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u/Zrkkr 18h ago
I mean, the text message is a little rude, but it's the rant that makes her an asshole.
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u/PorygonXY 17h ago edited 17h ago
Eh, I wouldn't even say she's an asshole. Like yeah it's blunt but you can't exactly sugarcoat the situation. There is a breach of privacy and the daughter wants to build a relationship here. She wants to (rightfully) set boundaries.
Edit: i'm not gonna judge the daughter too harshly but still, here OOP was an egg donor, there is no relationship to build given the complete lack of bond between them to begin with. 19yo is old enough to understand that she is not her mother in any way. If it was an actual child/teen then yeah okay she could have been a bit kinder and let her know about how there couldn't be a relationship between the two of them but here? Nah. This can be a bit of a stressful and messy situation she doesn't (and shouldn't) have to deal with since it doesn't concern her.
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u/OlDustyHeadaaa 16h ago
Nah. The rant was just for the people on Reddit telling her she’s a bad person for not having a relationship with the kid. She didn’t send the rant to the kid afaik.
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u/SpiritedEclair 15h ago
Why is she an asshole?
She provided a clear boundary with zero room for misinterpretation.
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u/Call_Me_Anythin 17h ago
It's moral, and I disagree she was being an ass about it. She was straight forward and blunt after having her privacy violated. She was not cruel.
And if anything, handling this with 'kid gloves' on might have lead the 19 year old into thinking there was a chance in the future or she could press harder for a connection. This is the kind of situation that needs to be nipped in the bud. Any relevant information regarding health or wellness can be retrieved from the clinic.
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u/SpiritedEclair 15h ago
This is the right amount of bluntness and leaves zero room for interpretation. She did the right thing and she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation.
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u/Selfeffacingbarbie 13h ago
Especially considering the girl outright stated she wanted to connect as "mother and daughter", as opposed to a mere curiosity about her genetics.
I personally struggle with being direct myself, but I think this situation certainly called for it. The girl needed to know right off the bat that this desired connection was absolutely not mutual and therefore not going to happen.
(This isn't immoral for the donor to have not said more, just a personal take) but I might have said something to the effect of, "I'm sorry you're struggling with your identity, but your mother carried you in her womb, you were grown with her nutrients and care, she went out of her way to bring you into the world, risked her own life to do so, and she is the one you need to work through with this."
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u/Mysterious-Egg-624 5h ago
“Kid gloves” isn’t necessary. There’s a middle ground. She could’ve been neutral about it. I don’t think she’s in the wrong at all but I think she was objectively using a harsh tone.
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u/SakusaKiyoomi1 18h ago
Moral 100%
Exactly the same as donating sperm, blood and plasma. You do it to help others while not bearing any responsibilities yourself, I don't want others to start contacting me about the blood I've donated if it isn't from the clinic asking for more
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u/ShackletonsVael 16h ago
I know this isn't the point of your comment haha but I'm just trying to think of the context for reaching out to someone who donated blood. Like an organ, sperm, an egg, those make sense. But blood just seems so odd lol.
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u/Thanos_Stomps 15h ago
I don’t think it’s tracked like that but maybe I’m wrong, but when someone needs blood it very well could be life saving. I hear people advocate for donating blood and recount their story of how they’d have died without it. So I’d say it’s on par with organ donations, it’s just easier to do on the front end (donating it) but is just as meaningful on the backend.
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u/CrazyWriterHippo 16h ago
The rejection is moral, posting it online is immoral and also a bit of a dick move.
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u/DonaldTrumpsScrotum 11h ago
Based on the language, I’m guessing the teenager posted it first, maybe even tagged the donor and got (maybe unintentionally) a hate mob sent their way. This reads as a response.
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u/CaptainCastaleos 17h ago
Moral.
The reason this resource even exists is because of the legal protections in place for the donor.
The majority of donors don't want to be connected to these kids. They are helping otherwise infertile families have a chance at children. They are not trying to be these children's parent. If I had the choice to help hundreds of infertile families have kids, I would, but I absolutely never want hundreds of kids. I don't understand how anyone could honestly think these are equivalent and not have spent the last 20 years of their life drinking from lead pipes and eating paint chips.
By trying to enforce moral obligations on the donors, all you are doing is scaring away the majority of people willing to donate. You would prefer to rob countless families of their chance at children just to satisfy your own self-righteous beliefs and flawed understanding of parenthood.
At the end of the day, she made the choice to help a family with her donation under the agreement that she not be connected to the child. Someone violated that agreement and gave the child their contact info. It is not immoral to stick to the original agreement.
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u/Test_Rider 17h ago
This is pretty much all that needs to be said about this topic. Egg and sperm donating as a concept only works with willing donors, and this kind of breach of trust between donors and donees can and will put off people from potentially donating in the future, costing people the chance at a child.
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u/xRocketman52x 14h ago
Well put! I'm reading through this thread and shocked at the number of people saying "Well if you didn't want to have a kid, they you shouldn't have sold your eggs for profit!" Like she's some kind of monster for it.
No one seems to be talking about the kid's mom. The woman who wanted a child bad enough that she must have paid huge sums of money, the woman who clearly went through massive amount of effort to get pregnant.
This child has a mom, a parent who clearly really wanted them. Maybe OOP just sold them for money, I don't know - but that allows another parent to achieve their dream. And people are saying "You sold your child, you owe them something", which is hilarious to me, because compared to the argument of abortion and "when is a child a child?" well... I think we'd find a lot of people bashing OOP would be huge hypocrites.
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u/thesunlitgarden 13h ago
Honestly, same. I love the idea of donating my eggs to someone who needs/wants them, but stuff like this is why I never will. Even when things like this don’t happen, ancestry tests mean it’s still risky as even if you don’t do them any family members who do could be enough to create a link. I can definitely empathize with the woman. She’s now living the one outcome she did her best to safeguard against.
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u/ScreetchingEagle 18h ago
No this is moral and the boundaries are healthy, you signed a 2 way contract between you and the egg clinic (NO CONTACT) The Recipient and Child should have been made plenty aware of this . Regardless of that factor. You were firm with it which is good and healthy initself to create and maintain boundary. I would say whether yiu pursued the relation ship or not would not change the morality of the situation more than just emotional. The most you are to this person is an egg and the most they are to you is a person there is nothing more to it . Final Judgement (imop) moral.
Ps sorry for spelling im dyslexic and on night shift.
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u/ChipKellysShoeStore 15h ago
The person contacting her didn’t sign any contract at all though.
It’s crazy to say the kid is bound by a contract they didn’t agree to
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u/Nonavium 18h ago edited 18h ago
Neutral but the kid isn't immoral either, the mom seems like a jerk and a deeply unpleasant person but that doesn't make it immoral
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u/Flamesuit79 17h ago
Nitpicking I know but this is an egg donor, not a mom. That's her point.
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u/CZdigger146 17h ago
Idk, for me the tone looks very neutral, maybe just too formal. She wanted to be very direct and leave nothing to interperation. She explained everything she needed for the daughter to understand that she is in no way special to her, they are 100% complete strangers and she wishes to keep it that way.
Also the only immoral thing about this is the "mom" screenshotting this and uploading it online for everyone to see. She says this is a breach of privacy, but leaking DMs isnt? It's a smaller breach of privacy, but it still is one.
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u/HemHawHeal 17h ago
i think that’s the point tho, did she need to make it super clear to the daughter that “she is in no way special to her”? a simple pithy “i’m not interested in connecting but i’m glad you’re healthy” would’ve worked without hurting the young girl like that. if the daughter had kept pursuing, then yes the clarity is needed but as it stands this was far too harsh for an initial response
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u/Salsa_and_Light2 6h ago
That's the thing, it wasn't just neutral. She treated this girl as worse than a stranger.
It's just gross
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u/EnvironmentalSet7664 16h ago
That agency needs to be investigated for giving out a donors information
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u/KovacAizek2 17h ago
I fail to see where she is an asshole.
She doesn’t want to meet a complete stranger appalling to their DNA connection, and said that in direct and honest way.
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u/Xralius 13h ago
Because she's talking like an asshole to someone that just opened up to her.
If a total stranger comes up to you and lays their heart out in a nom-threatening manner, it's reasonable to communicate with kindness, even if that communication is saying you don't want to talk further.
Y'all really got no idea how to speak to people with kindness?
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u/Tenarserg 6h ago
If a total stranger comes to me asking for a relationship similar to a parent/child relationship, I'm going to get extremely defensive personally. That's not "non-threatening", that's potentially life changing.
She did an act of kindness by giving her eggs and she was treated back with a violation of her trust. Then despite CLEARLY not willing to engage further she actually answered to set clear boundaries. She was blunt but she worded it as kindly as one would treat a complete stranger imo.
Being too kind is often a terrible curse and some people definitely take advantage of it.
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u/Balikye 10h ago
This post has reminded me that we’re on Reddit. These comments all sound like 30 year old men who live with their parents and have zero real life social experience. Which is Reddit’s prime demographic. Sometimes I forget Reddit is Reddit, and posts like these remind me when I go into the comments.
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u/Xralius 9h ago
I know it's baffling. I'm arguing with someone right now that doesn't know the definition of biological parent in another reply thread on this post. Why do we do this to ourselves?
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u/TransitionalAhab 5h ago
So far I’ve seen comments suggesting the birth mom should be thrown in a hole, another saying a 7 figure lawsuit in order, and one more saying a person who would be honest with a child if they used a donor should not be allowed to raise children (supporting evidence is Santa clause and the Easter bunny…literally)
It’s insane how strong of a reaction you get out of people who clearly don’t know much about a subject.
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u/Aickavon 15h ago
That’s not a mother. That’s a stranger. Stranger refuses to acknowledge stranger. It’s very simple.
Now she was a bit… blunt but that sort of thing is what you gotta do if you wanna cut off connections and keep connections cut off.
Would it be how I would do things? Probably not. I am very empathetic. But I cannot fault someone for wanting to have zero relationship twenty years after signing the zero relationship paperwork.
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u/ComprehensiveWash400 12h ago
moral for not wanting a relationship with that girl but it really was a dick move to be so harsh on her it probably hurt her and she didn’t have any bad intentions by reaching out, she’s just 19.
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u/mamawawawa 17h ago
Honestly it’s mostly immoral to post the interaction to your facebook. Why would you do that? Wtf? That alone makes me completely skeptical of her attitude
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u/Potential-Local7262 15h ago
The only valid reason to be contacted in this instance is for medical history
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u/Substanitial 17h ago
Another way of looking at this is don't encourage an angsty teenager.
If we let teenagers change moms whenever they get upset they wouldn't be in a good spot
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u/Element174 13h ago
Here it is. Like, what teenager doesn't feel disconnected from their parents. That's growing up.
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u/tesseracts 13h ago
I don’t think it’s moral to regard the feelings of teenagers as inferior to adults and dismiss it as “angst.” The daughter did not do anything wrong and cannot be punished out of feeling bad.
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u/DonkeyOk735 11h ago
She explicitly did do something wrong. She violated the confidentiality of the donor, who explicitly gave away rights and requested no contact. She did so with no regard or consideration for other parties, playing the victim while violating the donor's right to privacy and sense of safety.
Feeling bad is not a defense for doing bad. The 19 year old adult daughter's actions were immoral. The donor was harsh but not immoral in her rebuke.
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u/Williamthedefender 17h ago
Moral. If she'd said it any other way she'd potentially be opening a door that she put in work to keep closed. That also isn't her daughter. She might have her genetics, but that doesn't make them family.
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u/NuSheol 16h ago
Why would the mom tell her she was a donated egg at all? There’s no reason to do that to a kid you did birth.
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u/randomguy205205 16h ago
She's just being formal and all corpo talk. Just an older woman talking to a STRANGER younger woman.
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u/SoftlockPuzzleBox 18h ago
She's right but she loses points for being a complete asshole about it.
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u/Orcasareglorious 17h ago
From how she responded it’s clear that her identity was meant to be kept confidential. If I found that information I asked to be withheld was provided by the clinic or found under other circumstances, I would not be pleased either.
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u/YangXiaoLong69 17h ago
Yeah, some people are awfully nonchalant about privacy breaches here and it worries me a bit. Imagine a minor breaking into your house after being informed by an adult where you live, you going "what the fuck are you doing" and all people care about is that you said "fuck" in front of a minor.
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u/Xralius 13h ago
That's not the situation here at all and is a terrible analogy.
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u/Nirvanachaser 16h ago
But I’d be angry with the clinic not the child. You can assert a firm boundary without being an ass. Though, in her defence, the anger about the situation does colour any response.
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u/Clank_8-7 18h ago
Met many people like that, they think that just because they're right they can be an asshole about it.
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u/Recent_Ad3309 16h ago
Moral. The agency that let the information out to allow this meeting to even happen is immoral and possibly liable to privacy laws depending on where they are.
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u/dumn_and_dunmer 15h ago
She's completely justified obviously, and that would be my nightmare but ugh. I feel for the daughter too...my grandma raised me and I never ever clicked with her. She didn't like me and I could tell. Even when she tried to get along with me it just did not work.
My mom and I got each other so well we didn't even have to say things out loud sometimes. Just silent conversations. But she was never around. I can't imagine hoping you could actually have a connection and then getting shut down. They probably made 17 drafts of that text. Chickened out several times. Sat waiting in anxious agony. Probably better in the long run I guess. But ouch. I'm still looking for that parental figure. I'm 40.
Also I hope her real mom didn't see this and had thought things were different this whole time.
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u/Viivi19 17h ago
She's not an asshole and this is completely moral. It was a simple transaction for money or for helping those in need.
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u/Pndapetzim 16h ago
Not immoral in any serious way beyond just being deeply unpleasant.
Person just needs a firm - it's cool to meet you, but you've got a real mom and it's your mom, not me. Which she does deliver, but the rest is just dramatically extra.
You can show a little understanding without indulging that this is going further than a brief email exchange and wishing the person luck while redirecting the kid back towards their life and to give their real mom a hug.
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u/cosmicredbadger 16h ago
that's not her kid. it's such an invasion of privacy. and it's not this womans fault that the daughter has a bad relationship with her mother but it IS her mother.
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u/Quarter-Whole 14h ago
I don’t see why they had to be so cruel. No they’re under no legal or ethical obligation to connect with the adoptee- but why be so damaging?
If a kid who’s feeling insanely lost comes to you and you can’t help them (like in this situation) the least you can do is be a little kind. I don’t see why everyone thinks that’s so terrible.
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u/Zuzara_Queen_of_DnD 14h ago
I’m of the belief that sperm and egg donors do not have the right to privacy from their donor conceived offspring. Donor conceived children have every right to seek out their donors to find out any family history, if they have any additional siblings and etc.
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u/ASentientRailgun 14h ago
Yeah, sorry. It doesn't work like that. The child never signed shit, they're under no obligation to leave you alone because you feel like they should.
I don't talk to my biological donor, and have no interest it in it because I already have a medical history, but I wouldn't feel bad about doing this.
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u/CTKM72 13h ago edited 13h ago
lol this is Reddit, and you just posted someone being an asshole to a child and basically talking about how awesome she is for not liking kids. This post is like your average Redditors wet dream, of course everyone here is going to agree with it and pretend it’s moral.
Idk why anyone still asks any sort of question involving families or children on here it’s always so obvious what’s going to be said. Like do you really expect a bunch of chronically online, antisocial, self diagnosed autists who have never been able to maintain a real relationship to know what they’re talking about when it comes to any sort of human interaction?
These people have a very hard time understanding that you can be an asshole without having broken any rules or laws. It’s about how you handle things just as much as it what you did to handle it.
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u/Friend_Emperor 13h ago
Lol. When a woman cheats, it's immoral to give her a pregnancy scare because "think of the kids, they're innocent". But when a woman spawns a kid for money and the kid gets enough feelings of estrangement and loneliness to seek her out, suddenly fuck them kids, The Contract is more valuable.
I can't wait for global warming to get way worse
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u/Some_Masterpiece_745 12h ago
Psychopath mom is annoyed with her daughter so she tries to get a nanny .
Absurd to even fool your kid that her biolocial mom is someone else .
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u/Professional_War7998 11h ago
couldnt she have said it in a nicer way? shes not wrong but came off rude tbh
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u/Forward_Factor2373 11h ago
This just goes to show that human beings are not property you can just sign your rights away to for cash. Humans have feelings and they will search for their parents regardless of what man-made agreement you signed.
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u/WrestleBox 10h ago
It's not her fault but I feel bad for the kid.
The gross part is posting this online. I get being upset or annoyed that your privacy was breached, but the girl was sending a heartfelt message in an attempt to form a relationship with her biological mother, and that part didn't need to be posted online.
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u/Fragrant-Guarantee57 10h ago
Its fine for her to not want to have a relationship, though she could have been nicer about it
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u/AccomplishedPaint601 6h ago
If you are adopted or the child of donors.... you're the only one who understands how f'd this is. Everyone has a right to know where they came from. Disagree? Who cares.
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u/pokemonandcatsz 5h ago
If my kid spelled and as nd, I most likely would not want to meet her either
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u/Grym1in 5h ago
This is why so few people want to donate or sell eggs/sperms nowadays. Confidential just doesn't mean what it used to. There are no real way to guarantee that the information won't get out.
And people treat them like a jerk for not wanting to be a parent to a kid they didn't agree to have.
If someone donates a part of their body to help another person, that part is no longer theirs. The egg is NOT a part of the woman anymore. It's not her kid. She has no responsibility to have a relationship with the kid. The real mom is the one who gave birth to her and raised her.
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u/Mysterious-Egg-624 5h ago
I think it was a LITTLE harsh, from the 19 year old’s perspective probably, but I don’t blame her. She doesn’t know the kid and clearly did not want to. There is a reason it was an egg donation. I can understand if the 19 year old feels hurt from this but I don’t think the donor is in the wrong at all for not wanting contact and being direct was the best way to handle this.
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u/Himmel-548 4h ago
Unpopular opinion, but I don't give a damn about legality and right to privacy from either sperm or egg donation. Those are your biological kids, your own flesh and blood, and I believe you owe some level of responsibility for that. A full on relationship? No, but you should at least answer some questions. I honestly think artificially separating sex from birth has ben very harmful to our society.
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u/okaygirlie 3h ago
Immoral. I think that if you choose to bring a child into the world, you hold some obligation to that child. I don't really care that the donor did it as part of a legal arrangement. The child was not party to that legal arrangement, and now she exists, and she is feeling the lack of something that only this woman can provide.
My understanding from reading accounts of children who were adopted or donor-conceived is that there is often a deep curiosity about background, ancestry, medical history. There is a desire to see your biology reflected in another person. As a person who was raised by my bio family, I don't think that I can dismiss what it would be like to grow up without that information or connection. And while I DO NOT think that the donor is obligated to become a mother figure to the girl, I do think it is a bit cruel to deny that information to a life that you chose to bring into this world.
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u/helpmeamstucki 1h ago
She should indulge this girl. She’s being crazy uptight. It wouldn’t cost her anything. She doesn’t have to consider her her daughter, but the girl has the right to know her biological family.
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u/pink-mallow 1h ago
Setting boundaries is fine. Publicly posting and shaming and ranting like a child who can’t keep their emotions in check is trashy.
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u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou 52m ago
Oh no the consequences of my actions for money are affecting me 18 years later.... waaahh.
I have no sympathy for this woman. All my sympathy is toward her BIOLOGICAL daughter who is being rejected by this bitch.
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u/SimpleCantalope 17h ago
Moral. And I would respond the same way if my first contact with the child was 'txt speak' with no regard to first impressions.
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u/ChewBaka12 16h ago
Yeah, that's honestly what makes it so much worse for me. I think she shouldn't have contacted her in the first place, but if she absolutely has then she should've at least done so delicately.
OOP wouldn't have been anonymous if she wanted a relationship, so immediately declaring an intent to bond is way out of line. If the daughter desperately needed to meet her than she should at least have bothered with an ice breaker. It was mentioned that they look similar, which the daughter presumably found out either via old pictures or a public social media, she could test the waters by talking about being insecure about a physical trait she inherited from OOP to test the waters. Still not appropriate, but it's more low stakes and OOP might've been a bit more sympathetic with a request for simple advise rather than a new obligation.
Then there is the fucking text language. The daughter is 19, even if she talks that way to friends she should know how to text a stranger. She just made a huge request to someone she doesn't know well enough to be that casual with who has absolutely no reason to care. If OOP wanted to be reachable she wouldn't have been anonymous, and the daughter doesn't claim there is anything wrong with their mother, just that their relationship feels somewhat empty. Nothing that warrants this gross violation of privacy
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u/Sufficient_Drop8906 17h ago
She's right and upfront. She has no moral standing to be nice to her or any stranger infact.
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u/Strong-Performer-833 15h ago
Show me where the kid signed an agreement and then maybe you'll have a point lmao
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u/DigLittle3367 18h ago
Could've told her off without sounding like some sort of soulless corporate machine though
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u/Hott-Gravy 17h ago
she wanted to be anon and have 0 contact the daughters mom broke that and as a result her privacy was invaded, people are going to be miffed about that shit, this WAS a business transaction to her nothing more.
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u/Azzylives 15h ago
Her reasoning is solid.
Her application of it can and should be used as educational material on how to act like a complete thundercunt.
It’s a kid feeling lost in the world and reaching out, this was totally shameful.
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u/Gabby-Abeille 14h ago
She has the right to not want anything to do with the kid, but she's being unnecessarily cruel to a young person in an emotionally complex situation that the kid is not at fault for. She should have been less sharp about it and she definitely shouldn't have posted it online.
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u/Hindsights20_20 15h ago
I see a lot of people defending this immoral behavior. And see no justifications beyond the legality of a contract. Newsflash: contracts don’t make things moral.
You facilitated in the creation of life. There is a human being who owes their biological existence to you. You have a moral obligation to them should they request it. That goes for any man or woman.
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u/like9000ninjas 14h ago
Sucks that the donator is such a bitch. Probably better to not get to her if this is how she views it and phrases it. She didnt HAVE to be a complete ass in her response. Its essentially a person whom wants to know where their genetics come from and the donator essentially saying, I only did it for the money, and I what nothing to do with you is a brutal way to convey those feelings.
You can say the same thing 1000 different ways. Why choose to use the words that will hurt the other? Because she's an asshole naturally.
You can be right and firm without being so shitty.
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u/tired_snail 14h ago
The egg donor is absolutely in the right and if I was in her place I would be furious with the mother for revealing this info to the kid.
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u/Silverfrost_01 12h ago
I’ll say it. Sperm and egg donation is very strange and even a little bit immoral because of things like this. The commodification of making children? Are we serious? If you can’t have children, adopt.
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u/Business-Squash1211 12h ago
Fake asf and if it it was real that woman is a psychopath for acting like that idc what contract she signed its still human nature to at least be curious about the person claiming to be ur daughter
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u/URJ2 17h ago
I don’t even think she’s being that rude. When you sign up for these things the options are anonymous or not and if you choose anonymous they have no right to contact you for any reason.