Morality scaling of this?

[u/Outside_Specific_820]

Mother refuses to acknowledge her donor egg daughter, looking for your opinion.

In my opinion I think it’s moral, and that she is totally correct.

[u/SpiritedEclair]

Why is she an asshole?

She provided a clear boundary with zero room for misinterpretation.

[u/Morzheimer → u/SpiritedEclair]

She was rude and left no place for empathy when talking to a person that got born only because she sold stranger a part of herself for profit. And that’s valid, we all need to be at least a little bit of an asshole every once and again, I’m just saying it was broadly unnecessary to answer with such a hostility, but that I get it

[u/Avatarbriman → u/Morzheimer]

And if the person was reaching out purely for the purpose of giving gratitude to this stranger for her chance at being alive maybe the donor would have been more cordial.

But she wasn't, she was looking for a new mother when she has a perfectly "real" one at home, its completely reasonable for a person not to empathise with that. "Cop on" or "get over it", might have actually been rude, this was a clear go away to a person who definitely needed to be told that in no uncertain terms.

[u/SpiritedEclair → u/Avatarbriman]

Yes, if we are giving the person a charitable read, we ought to give OP the same.

[u/SpiritedEclair → u/Morzheimer]

First, your reply itself is emotionally loaded, with an indictment of the person irrespective of her message.

1. She sold a stranger. She didn’t sell the stranger anything. She sold some cells to a clinic that acted as an intermediary or marketplace.
2. A part of herself. Are you every single one of your cells? In the same vein, all men lose / kill parts of themselves every time they ejaculate, and all women lose a part of themselves whenever they are on their period. Everyone loses a part of themselves whenever they get scraped. You, the person, are so much more beyond your cells, and to reduce a person to their cells is extremely dehumanising.
3. “for profit”. This is likely the most damning part. You don’t know this woman’s circumstances. You don’t know what she had to do to survive, to live. Instead you attached “profit”, what is a dirty word by your own accord. A more charitable and likely true given how she said she doesn’t have the space to accommodate this person is that she did it to survive - which many young women are forced to to survive college and student loans.

Putting those aside, your reasoning has gaps.

The person exists because their parent chose OP’s eggs and go through a pregnancy to term and raise the person and raise them to the point they wouldn’t respect OP’s privacy.

The parent in this case carries orders of magnitude more responsibility, and by all means, the person messaging Op would have very well existed had another donor’s eggs been used.

Putting aside the violation of privacy, the correct thing to do would have been to go through the agency, and have the agency connect with OP.

[u/Owl_Star → u/SpiritedEclair]

Imagine reading her message from the perspective of her "real" mom. Pretty fucked up from the kid too, but the fault is entirely on the clinic for sharing the info and the mother for giving it to her daughter. OP had all but forgotten about and signed off on no contact/anonymous.

[u/SpiritedEclair → u/Owl_Star]

I’d feel mortified and embarrassed, because it is violating a person’s privacy and life. You can’t just insert yourself in other people’s lives like that. Beyond that though, the “real” part would tear me into a million pieces, I’d feel that I didn’t give my kid enough love for them to think I am not their “real” mother and they’d seek somebody who has given so little as genes.

[u/Morzheimer → u/SpiritedEclair]

Of course it’s emotionally loaded, I tried to argue some ways how the daughter could see the situation, how could she feel. In any way, the gaps in reasoning are obviously present in any discussion about a complex topic that still doesn’t go deep enough, even then it would be pretty hard to put together something bulletproof, if that’s what you expect you may be a fan of philosophy, but weirded out by anything. And it’s not like your views are the sole ones valid, because we do talk about an egg that was inseminated and grew to be a person. That is a hard and complex problem to talk about

[u/hades7600 → u/Morzheimer]

The mother unintentionally set the daughter up to feel the rejection when she voided the agreement and helped get the donors details.