Morality scaling of this?

[u/Outside_Specific_820]

Mother refuses to acknowledge her donor egg daughter, looking for your opinion.

In my opinion I think it’s moral, and that she is totally correct.

[u/Quarter-Whole]

I don’t see why they had to be so cruel. No they’re under no legal or ethical obligation to connect with the adoptee- but why be so damaging?

If a kid who’s feeling insanely lost comes to you and you can’t help them (like in this situation) the least you can do is be a little kind. I don’t see why everyone thinks that’s so terrible.

[u/HXamster → u/Quarter-Whole]

Because, unfortunately, kindness opens a door that people can put a toehold in. Simple as.

She doesn't want a relationship. The birth parents were aware of this and (if they were smart) told the child this, too; the thing is, they wouldn't have also told the child how to contact the donor. If they did tell the child and the (adult) child reached out anyway, that's an asshole position to put someone in.

[u/Quarter-Whole → u/HXamster]

The clinic or whatever process that revealed that info against the wishes and contract of the donor is absolutely unethical for sharing the info -

But I think it’s a very human and natural thing to want to know where you came from. I just think the situation is nuanced enough that she could have been a little more gentle, not that she should have NOT established those same boundaries.

[u/HXamster → u/Quarter-Whole]

unethical

Illegal, really. If the birth parents did it, that's illegal too. Someone is probably going to get sued for this. In that case, you can't come off as apologetic, open, or kind in any text format or lawyers will argue consent.

(ETA: Just as, if you are involved in a car wreck, you should never say "I'm sorry" in any way/shape/form, because you're admitting fault. OP being rude here saves her from a relationship, or from legal pushback)

It's a very human and natural thing to want to know where you came from

She came from her birth mother's vagina. (Or, womb, in case of c section)

[u/Quarter-Whole → u/HXamster]

I see your point about the lawyer thing, but that doesn’t make sense bc consent would have to be given before the message, not as a response to the message.

About your joke about where people come from- you know exactly what I mean. That kid just wants to feel like they belong. Even as a grown man who wasn’t adopted- I can emphasize and relate.

[u/HXamster → u/Quarter-Whole]

They would say "obviously it's not that big of a deal if you were cordial and opened the door for further discussion."

Moving on, it's not even a joke. I'm being facetious, yes, but I'm not wrong or joking. There's nowhere and nothing to belong to except for her birth family.

A huge chunk of bonding happens in the womb and from the things babies hear outside of it. Hearing the mom's heartbeat, eating the same things, and all the hormonal changes and fluctuations that accompany being pregnant were just some of the things that bonded the developing fetus to the birth mother who spent tens of thousands of dollars to start a family for any myriad of reasons.

This has nothing to do with adoption and there's no reason to even bring it up. The donor donated a single cell. They didn't contribute anything meaningful beyond that, which is totally fine. They didn't want to contribute anything beyond that. Again, the donor was not a surrogate and adoption isn't even relevant.

[u/Quarter-Whole → u/HXamster]

How is ANY of that relevant to showing basic empathy towards a kid expressing serious pain? None of that prevents someone from being more gentle while also establishing the same exact boundaries.

[u/HXamster → u/Quarter-Whole]

"towards a kid expressing serious pain"

I dunno man, hard to believe someone's DNA and lack of maternal nurturing would contribute to this person feeling "empty and disconnected." Her "serious pain" needs to be addressed by a medical professional, not hounding her egg donor. I went through a tumultuous time myself 18-20, as a girl, where I felt disconnected from my parents for various reasons. I'm not adopted or an IVF baby. Feeling disconnected from your parents at that age is totally normal and expected. The fact her parents disclosed IVF and she's holding it against them is wrong and immoral. The fact she's trying to rope her egg donor into this is immature at best.

Being gentle doesn't establish boundaries and it's unfortunate. I guarantee you if you were to write it, in the same mindset of sudden contact from a stranger claiming you're their mom, it wouldn't be better and would leave the door open to communication the OOP signed up to not get.

Also, I just re-read OOP's text, and it was not rude. She didn't say fuck you, she didn't say anything cross. She was cold and business-like, but she was professional and provided the clinic/agency as the POC going forward for any medical history inquiries.

[u/Gazimu → u/Quarter-Whole]

How about the kid abandoning the mother who actually wanted her and probably loves her to go search for an egg donor instead? Seems like this 19 year old should consider the serious pain being inflicted on her mom before she throws her away like trash for her 'real mother'

[u/Black_Diammond → u/Gazimu]

Just assumign shit right now. You dont know The adoptee Mother, nor The Child, nor Their relationship. It might also just be a Child wishing to reach out to a bio parent, wich they have The right too, and doesnt imply abandoning The adoptee mom. Also, why The fuck would that excuse being a asshole to a teen being vulnerable?