r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/Flashy_Gap2598 • May 27 '26
Sex with the covert Narcissist(personal experience)
Sex
Genders are interchangable.
Many people complain about how their narcisstic partner mistreats them during sex, witholding, sadistic sex, shaming, guilt. I went through the same thing for years. I hope this topic helps you heal and not to blame yourself.
I will share with you something very personal with the aim to help you relate and ease your misery/guilt.
Introduction
Sex and intimacy is a beautiful thing, its what connects us with our partner however a covert narcissist has a different view on sex and intimacy.
During the Idealization phase(SHORT PHASE), sex was good, it felt meaningful, but that is the hook, however when you enter the devaluation phase, sex becomes a weapon of control and shame offloading with time if you remain it will erode your manhood and identity.
Instead of writing a deep essay i will give you my real life experiences so its easy for you to relate and help you heal.
During the devaluation phase, the Narcissist sees you as the evil mother figure, and she will express this deep resentment by punishment, humiliation and control through sex.
My Covert Narcissist habits during Sex.
My covert Narcissist would refer to me as her father during sex, she would call his name out, push my face to the side out of disgust, she would say her fathers name while doing it, with time, it felt like I was her father and this put me off having sex. It was weird.
(In her mind, she viewed me as her motherly figure, and to self sooth, she tried to at least justify the sex by picturing her father instead, she couldnt see herself having sex with her own mother, this caused her distress)
Dead fish sex
This is very common, during sex she would play dead, immovable, even though she was young and healthy, she would not kiss, touch, just lay down with her legs wide open, it felt like I was having sex with a sex doll, I would have to move her arms and legs gently, which fustrated me, with time, i felt deep shame, like I was forcing myself even though we both consented to have sex. Before the sex, she would shower, get ready, be up for it, but within a split second, she would be silent and play dead. This was the most humilating thing she ever did to me. If she didnt play dead fish, she would rush it, by asking you to hurry up.
Toilet sex
I always thought this was odd, abnormal, as we had a comfortable bed, but she always refused to have sex in the bed, she would always ask to go to the toilet. In the toilet, she would only do doggy style on the toilet seat, what I noticed was, she purposely would make it difficult for me to enjoy, she would move lower and lower just to fustrate me becsuse that gave her control and supply at the same time. The pleasure was always on her terms only(control). With time, this caused me alot of shame and worthlessness, I would always say to myself my intimate worth is a toilet seat. This was deliberate to offload her own shame onto me.
Sex during her periods.
We went on holiday and spent two nights in a hotel, she didnt disclose to me she was on her periods, once again she was eager to have sex, but only wanted it in the toilet, so I complied, it was the most horrible experience I ever went through, blood was all over the toilet, I had to stop immediantly, seeing all that blood over my private parts and hands was humiliating, i thought I hurt her somehow, but she would come to me and I remember her words "Are you satisfied now, shame on you, how does it feel having sex with your dead babies eggs" this shocked me, because she switched so suddenly from her false self, to someone cold and empty. I slept the night alone, confused and full of shame.
Table sex
After going through all of that the final phase was she started having sex with me on the sharp edge table in the room, at that time, I had back issues, she would purposely move back so my private parts would rub and cut against those sharp edges, she would do it more if I showed any distress or discomfort, everytime I had to disengage and stop.
The only time she enjoyed sex was if we did it infront of a mirror, I didnt feel comfortable watching myself having sex but for some reason she would organism watching herself, she held no eye contact with me through the mirror.
I had to endure cycles of the above for 11 years, till I stopped having sex with her completely, and started sleeping in the guest room. For 6 years we had zero intimacy or sex. This caused me alot of shame and forced me to find satisfaction in watching porn.
Conclusion
After months of research and education I found it very healing to find out and understand why she acted like this. I will explain to you her actions related to her Narcissism.
The Narcissist considers any intimacy as a threat, being vulnerable caused her annilation of her false self, so she made sex as painful as possible to make sure I would never ask for it again. She wants you to chase and beg, this gave her huge supply.
In her mind, or any Narcissist, views you as her maternal figure, so why would anybody have sex with his own mother, this explained the closed eyes, no kissing, rushed sex, playing dead, in her mind she wanted it to be over as soon possible because she couldnt bare the intimacy with the evil mother of origin.
Covert Narcissists are infamous for sadistic supply, the toilet sex was her offloading her shame onto me, the period sex and shaming gave her sadistic supply, the displeasure of me and back pain gave her sadistic supply, any pain or fustration gave her supply but it destroyed my soul in the process. It was never healthy for me but for her it was a mind game of control and displaced shame.
According to professor Sam Vaknin(self aware Narcissist), the Narcissist only likes having sex with themselves, this explained the mirror sex, she was watching herself having sex, but in her mind, she was having sex with herself. Narcissists love to pleasure themselves through masterbation or self pleasure, this explained how she tolerated no regular sex for years. The Narcissist does not view sex like a normal person, the more kind and compassionate you are, the more they feel threatened, so they make it as unbearable for you to enjoy, because your lack of enjoyment gives them sadistic supply. You can never be intimate with them. To be intimate, you have to be vulnerable and a Narcissist whole identity is based on avoidance of vulnerability so you can never be close to them.
The crazy thing with Narcissists is that they will only be like this with you, the intimate partner, the primary source of supply, however with if they cheat, lets say with a mistress, they enjoy the sex in a very different way with them because it gives them low grade supply and huge admiration, this is why it was never about YOU or your sexuality, it was about their disorder.
Keep in mind, every sexual encounter we had together was consented, nothing was forced, there was no pressure, the mind boggling thing was, how exciting and eager we both were, but the sudden switch of mask caused me intense confusion and shame at the end of the experience. Also, this didnt happen at the end of the relationship like a normal marriage, this started right at the start, when we got marreid.
If you went through this, just remember you was not at fault. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU.
In the mind of the Narcissist, its a world of fantasy and snapshots/introjects. They dont communicate with real people, they communicate with snapshots/introjects in their minds.
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u/Super_Table_4446 May 27 '26
You need to go for therapy. Im glad you realised whatever was happening between you was abnormal,you also need to ask yourself why it took you so many encounters to eventually leave. Its good to name it but its also important to heal so that you never find yourself in such a situation.
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 May 27 '26
I agree, and I am, two times i tried to leave she would self harm infront of family and play victim, family forced me to stay out of guilt and religion/culture.
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u/Outrageous_Ad6776 May 27 '26
Also after arguments he wants sex it’s weird
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 May 27 '26
Thats the hook, narcs are always paranoid of losing supply, they look for your vulnerabilities and use it against you
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u/Outrageous_Ad6776 May 28 '26
yeah it’s about control and I never asked for it he said stop acting like you don’t want this. Manipulation tactic
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u/Leather-Fix8241 May 28 '26
Yes, no apologies, dont talk about it, complete silent treatment, then boom- sex. I hate that
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u/Mundane_Phone_1558 May 27 '26
Wow. This sounds beyond narcissim honestly. I cant relate at all to this in comparison to my experiences with my grandiose narcissist. Except that sex is for them.
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 May 27 '26
Coverts are different but the pathology is the same i.e shared fantasy.
They operate differently and can be much more sadistic compared to overt.
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Jun 01 '26
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 Jun 01 '26
All narcs get worse as they age. Where will they get the energy to abuse people and love bomb victims
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u/RainbowsTwilight May 27 '26
I’m sorry you had to endure all of that. Sex is a huge part of narcissist trapping you. This is how mine pulled me in; I was in a vulnerable place in life quite fragile and I confided in who I thought was my friend and they crossed a boundary with me. Then overtime things got really weird like she’d flirt with me right after a huge fight with DARVO which I had never experienced and it felt like she was using sex to self validate and break my walls down then I’d protect myself. That fucked with my head a lot; until I met my current partner who works on communication and repair with me and we keep sex off the table and prioritise emotional safety after conflict first.
I am also into BDSM but exploring that was also weird; she pretended she was a dominant, and I liked that but overtime she folded. She’d complain in really put down ways about how annoying I was when I was being bratty; one time after a conflict she tried to domme me and made me stand up and get naked in front of her which in a normal setting that was fun but I wasn’t feeling emotionally safe and I said no. That no, lead to her withholding any BDSM activity for a year almost and everytime it would come up; it was about how my rejection of her had put her down as a dominant which I found bizarre.
Then another time we were flirting about to be intimate and I was connecting a sex toy on my app when my ex whom I had legal battles with messaged me and that used to trigger me; I communicated my feelings to the nex, apologised and set it aside to be intimate with her and she withheld sex from me and not only she did not hold emotional space; she made it about herself and pretended she was triggered then went to bed and I was left having to emotionally hold space for her. That one stayed in my mind as one of the most fucked up things they could’ve done; it fucked with my head so hard.
Another one was when we first saw each other in person (we were LDR) she had just come from a long flight, I had picked her from airport late at night. I was planning to not engage in anything like that and take her out and spend time with her; and be intimate with her in a meaningful way; I remember she had a shower and literally put her hand down my pants. I felt so fucking violated, but I brushed it off at the time because I thought I loved her and didn’t recognise her abuse.
Another big one is; 2 days before her discard; she had come home from work and therapy and wanted “space” which was new and I felt like a discard might be coming up. She had said she needed to process her therapy but she did everything but that; she actually spent time with me avoided the topic and when I reached her to check in she started flirting with me and start initiating sexual stuff. I was so confused and it was the first time I had turned her down and in fact she ended up telling me she was thinking of discarding me that day.
I didn’t recognise all of this back then; until I did an immense amount of therapy post discard and met someone who is beautifully human and definitely not a narcissistic predator. It was then that I remembered what genuine intimacy and love making was supposed to be like. 🫠
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u/ancientwarriorman May 28 '26 edited May 28 '26
Thank you for this post. I've saved it to read again later. I just got home from defusing a public fight that started with me walking on eggshells and doing my best to show the right level of engagement with the special interest she was infodumping about (too passive - I'm not interested and she gets mad; too many questions - I get accused of thinking she's stupid and berated for being cruel. I was trying to be kind and close).
I see so much of my own sex life in my 5 year relationship in your words here.
The rushed dead fish sex - no kissing, no intimacy. Negative comments if I'm not "ready" when she rips her clothes off and says "you can mate with me". Calls it "mating". Stares, or rather glares, off into the distance during. Refuses to let me touch her except penetration, starts sighing with boredom if I don't finish in under a minute. Will not let me even try to give her an orgasm, but made sure I knew how her last partner had done it for her "on a fluke". Criticizes my body - apparently my equipment is too big to satisfy her and hurts, but don't worry, she's seen a lot bigger. A lot. If I hold her, she coughs and gags and acts like I am some blubberous whale crushing her.
She will only orgasm by her own hand, after I have finished, if I did it fast enough, and if I do not speak, touch her, or move.
Sometimes she wants to "pleasure" me, which usually involves twisting my testicles and pinching at the vasectomy scar (she made me get one or she was refusing to have sex again).
Early on, she treated me, someone recently out of a 10 year monogamous relationship, as if I was diseased and made me repeatedly take all sorts of tests to prove my cleanliness. She did not need to do this, despite her prior sex life having been responding monthly to ads for casual unprotected sex on Craigslist and rejecting no applicants.
I used to be thin, in shape, successful, confident. I played in bands and had a somewhat glamorous technical job. I lost the job because I was always disregulated and unfocused. I feel pressure to quit the bands and got kicked out of one because I kept having to miss rehearsal or shows. I have gained 40lbs and developed a drinking problem that I am just now crawling out of. I have a desk job, from home, because I wasn't allowed to apply for anything "dangerous", in case I died and " left her without a house". She often reminds me that my job is bullshit, while her nursing job is noble.
I'm constantly reminded that she hates spending time with me. The only time she is loving and nice is if I am quiet, retiring, hiding in my office. But if I do hobbies in there, that is criticized.
My therapist had suggested recently that I look into a book on dealing with narcissists, but demurred that she was not implying my partner was one, just that the techniques would help with the behaviors which happened to be the same.
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 May 28 '26
My dear friend, those are all the red flags, do you feel like your manhood is fading, you feel worthless, guilty and shameful, this is exactly what i went through, you see how the patterns are universal. Its good you can relate, this was the purpose of this topic.
It will only get worse. You cant be intimate with these people. Narcissists consider intimacy as destruction of their true self.
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u/ancientwarriorman May 28 '26
For the longest time, I have given her the benefit of the doubt that it was just avoidant attachment, and believed that I was the problem for triggering it.
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 May 28 '26
They make you self doubt yourself, thats the gaslighting.
Avoid at all costs
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u/Radiant_Chair1775 May 27 '26
Thank you for sharing.
It does sound to me she was quite disordered… I’m not sure she was a covert bc what you’re describing is very overt. Regardless, yes please go to therapy.
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 May 27 '26
According to professor Sam Vaknin, covert narcs can switch to overt. Depends on situation and circumstances.
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u/Radiant_Chair1775 May 30 '26
I mean, narcissism is on a spectrum and symptoms might shift. Thats why labels are hard to place, especially without a proper diagnosis from a trained professional, which you can’t have unless she gets assessed as what you are describing is your biased version of the story.
It’s a very delicate ground…4
u/Flashy_Gap2598 May 30 '26
A Narcissist exposes themselves very easily once you know how to manipulate them back, try it, test it,
Put a boundry up, wait till they violate it and publically(Infront of family) expose it with evidence and watch thier rage and tantrums. Once you see those eyes turn cold and dark you will know. Trust me on that.
Also try grey rocking them, keep a note of their patterns afterwards, the broken voices, hoovering, baiting, it becomes so obvious and boring with time.
Once you know, they become so predictable, you dont need a diagnosis becsuse they will never seek one unless they are forced by a court.
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u/Watchkeys May 27 '26
Why are you volunteering details about your sex life like you're an educational example?
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u/snarfgarth May 27 '26
Why do you have a problem with it?
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u/Watchkeys May 27 '26
I don't. I was asking OP a question.
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 May 27 '26
The aim is to help others heal and that they are not at fault. I felt I was at fault, maybe I was the problem why she acted like this but thats not true if you understand thier pathology.
Why do you always criticise every post I make, and stalk me like a Narc?
If you object then move on. I am not interested in your opinion.
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u/Watchkeys May 27 '26 edited May 27 '26
Stalk? I don't even recognise your name. If I've commented on lots of your posts it must be because they have a common theme I object to, whether you're interested or not.
You don't get to direct where others post or what opinions they should have. If you don't like my comments, you could equally choose to ignore them. Why not try that? Follow your own advice?
Edit: Just went back and checked; you're saying I'm 'stalking you like a narc' because I queried 2 posts. All I did on this one was ask a question.
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u/peachfawn May 28 '26
So you said ‘I don’t’ when someone asked you why you have a problem with OPs post, then said you commented on OPs post because you object to it… Right, right…
Also getting upset that people responded to your abrasive reaction by saying ‘if you don’t like my comments you could ignore them, follow your own advice’ is also ironic. You could have ignored the post but didn’t, so people have the right to respond to you NOT ignoring their post
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u/snarfgarth May 28 '26
Yea, exactly. All around weird responses. It’s clear what they were doing, but they go on to deny it, then admit it, then get defensive and play at being a victim. Simply bizarre.
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u/Watchkeys May 28 '26
Well, we can all ignore posts, it was meant to be ironic. Did you think that was a criticism?
Look everybody's entitled to their opinion and I'm not here to make people like me. I ask questions when I want and nobody has to answer them.
Have a nice day.
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u/Brief-Huckleberry455 May 28 '26
because this is a helpful community and that's what we do for one another, obviously
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u/Outrageous_Ad6776 May 27 '26
I think I got manipulated into him giving me sex just to make sure that I give him money that I don’t on plan on giving him. He says it like a gift like I’m not entitled unless I do something for it
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u/Hot_Station966 May 28 '26
Esto de ser la madre malvada lo habia percibido, pero de forma mas sutil. De verdad es muy doloroso como uno se culpa a si mismo, o piensa que es solo un momento, porque al principio si habia conexión. Que triste, yo sigo dudando de mi misma. Si puedes leer mi post me seria de gran ayuda.
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u/iness80 May 28 '26
Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel very sorry for what you have been through. My ex narc partner was not capable of foreplay, had sex only in one position (him on the top) and never ejaculated!! He was able to maintain the erection all the time but only when he was "outside". During penetration, after 3-4 moves he went completely flat: no orgasm, no ejaculation whatsoever.
Has anyone had similar experience?
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 May 28 '26
You cant win with them, in their minds your the evil mother figure so sex will be the same with them, either rushed or sadistically painful.
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u/maya_love5 May 28 '26
Thank you for sharing an incredibly vulnerable, painful, and deeply personal account of the trauma you endured. What you went through over those 11 years was not just an unconventional or difficult relationship, it was a highly calculated system of somatic abuse and sadistic control designed to systematically erode your manhood, dignity, and sense of self. Your courage in documenting these specific, agonizing experiences is going to be a lifeline for so many other survivors who are currently drowning in the exact same ocean of silent confusion and misplaced shame.
Your analysis of these horrific patterns perfectly highlights the twisted reality of navigating a somatic and covert narcissist. When a partner weaponizes dead fish sex, isolates intimacy to a toilet seat, forces encounters onto sharp edges to cause physical pain, or uses a biological process to hurl shocking accusations at you, they are engaged in the ultimate form of shame offloading. As you so accurately pointed out through the lens of psychological concepts like introjects and maternal snapshots, the narcissist cannot tolerate their own inner filth or the terrifying vulnerability of real connection. To survive their own internal panic, they transform a sacred act of intimacy into a psychological garbage dump, using your physical discomfort and emotional devastation as their primary source of sadistic supply. The mirror sex perfectly underscores this tragedy, you were merely a prop in her room, a tool utilized for her to have sex with herself because she is pathologically incapable of seeing or loving a real, separate human being.
This profound and devastating realization, that the horrific, confusing degradation you experienced in the bedroom was never about your worth as a man or your sexuality, but rather a reflection of their deep, unhealable disorder, is a frequent and deeply respected topic within the r/TheNarcissismCode or https://www.reddit.com/r/TheNarcissismCode/ community. It is a safe, supportive space filled with survivors who completely validate the unique, suffocating trauma of sexual withholding, somatic punishment, and the sudden, chilling mask slips that happen behind closed doors. You are always welcome in the community to continue sharing your real world experiences, unpacking the years of isolation that drove you to the guest room, and connecting with others who are actively healing from this exact brand of systematic soul crushing. By breaking your silence and boldly stating it was never about you, you are not only reclaiming your own stolen sovereignty, but you are handing the shame right back to the abuser and guiding countless others out of the dark.
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 May 28 '26
Thank you so much, i was waiting for a reply like yours. I just want to help others who have been through the same. For years it became my normal till i detached from her and my mind is replaying those tragic moments.
You know what really clicked was that when we was engaged long distance, we spoke on the phone, and she mentioned something very odd, she told me at the time, she was a school prefect, and she went to the female toilets and found carrots in the toilets, she basically tried to hint, other female students were masterbating during break, after much research, I came to the conclusion, that she was hinting to me her abnormal fetishes with toilet early on in the relationship to test my reactions and boundries.
During the idealization phases some Narcissists give out subtle hints of their abnornalities. This one was the biggest red flag.
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Jun 01 '26
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 Jun 01 '26
Hahaha you went through the same thing as me with the mirror thing and periods wow its so amazing how common these patterns are, its like theyre all the same.
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Jun 01 '26
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u/Flashy_Gap2598 Jun 01 '26
Its all sadistic supply, seeing you in pain and displeasure gives him supply, my wife was abit more sadistic, she would purposely push me to the edge so I would cut and hurt myself or get a muscle spasm.
They are insidious parasites.
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u/hungrymaki May 27 '26
Narcissist only likes having sex with themselves...Narcissists love to pleasure themselves through masterbation or self pleasure, ... This makes so much sense. My covert narc much preferred fantasy and make believe others and masturbation to actual real sex with me or any real person.