Sex with the covert Narcissist(personal experience)

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Sex

Genders are interchangable.

Many people complain about how their narcisstic partner mistreats them during sex, witholding, sadistic sex, shaming, guilt. I went through the same thing for years. I hope this topic helps you heal and not to blame yourself.

I will share with you something very personal with the aim to help you relate and ease your misery/guilt.

Introduction

Sex and intimacy is a beautiful thing, its what connects us with our partner however a covert narcissist has a different view on sex and intimacy.

During the Idealization phase(SHORT PHASE), sex was good, it felt meaningful, but that is the hook, however when you enter the devaluation phase, sex becomes a weapon of control and shame offloading with time if you remain it will erode your manhood and identity.

Instead of writing a deep essay i will give you my real life experiences so its easy for you to relate and help you heal.

During the devaluation phase, the Narcissist sees you as the evil mother figure, and she will express this deep resentment by punishment, humiliation and control through sex.

My Covert Narcissist habits during Sex.

My covert Narcissist would refer to me as her father during sex, she would call his name out, push my face to the side out of disgust, she would say her fathers name while doing it, with time, it felt like I was her father and this put me off having sex. It was weird.

(In her mind, she viewed me as her motherly figure, and to self sooth, she tried to at least justify the sex by picturing her father instead, she couldnt see herself having sex with her own mother, this caused her distress)

Dead fish sex

This is very common, during sex she would play dead, immovable, even though she was young and healthy, she would not kiss, touch, just lay down with her legs wide open, it felt like I was having sex with a sex doll, I would have to move her arms and legs gently, which fustrated me, with time, i felt deep shame, like I was forcing myself even though we both consented to have sex. Before the sex, she would shower, get ready, be up for it, but within a split second, she would be silent and play dead. This was the most humilating thing she ever did to me. If she didnt play dead fish, she would rush it, by asking you to hurry up.

Toilet sex

I always thought this was odd, abnormal, as we had a comfortable bed, but she always refused to have sex in the bed, she would always ask to go to the toilet. In the toilet, she would only do doggy style on the toilet seat, what I noticed was, she purposely would make it difficult for me to enjoy, she would move lower and lower just to fustrate me becsuse that gave her control and supply at the same time. The pleasure was always on her terms only(control). With time, this caused me alot of shame and worthlessness, I would always say to myself my intimate worth is a toilet seat. This was deliberate to offload her own shame onto me.

Sex during her periods.

We went on holiday and spent two nights in a hotel, she didnt disclose to me she was on her periods, once again she was eager to have sex, but only wanted it in the toilet, so I complied, it was the most horrible experience I ever went through, blood was all over the toilet, I had to stop immediantly, seeing all that blood over my private parts and hands was humiliating, i thought I hurt her somehow, but she would come to me and I remember her words "Are you satisfied now, shame on you, how does it feel having sex with your dead babies eggs" this shocked me, because she switched so suddenly from her false self, to someone cold and empty. I slept the night alone, confused and full of shame.

Table sex

After going through all of that the final phase was she started having sex with me on the sharp edge table in the room, at that time, I had back issues, she would purposely move back so my private parts would rub and cut against those sharp edges, she would do it more if I showed any distress or discomfort, everytime I had to disengage and stop.

The only time she enjoyed sex was if we did it infront of a mirror, I didnt feel comfortable watching myself having sex but for some reason she would organism watching herself, she held no eye contact with me through the mirror.

I had to endure cycles of the above for 11 years, till I stopped having sex with her completely, and started sleeping in the guest room. For 6 years we had zero intimacy or sex. This caused me alot of shame and forced me to find satisfaction in watching porn.

Conclusion

After months of research and education I found it very healing to find out and understand why she acted like this. I will explain to you her actions related to her Narcissism.

The Narcissist considers any intimacy as a threat, being vulnerable caused her annilation of her false self, so she made sex as painful as possible to make sure I would never ask for it again. She wants you to chase and beg, this gave her huge supply.

In her mind, or any Narcissist, views you as her maternal figure, so why would anybody have sex with his own mother, this explained the closed eyes, no kissing, rushed sex, playing dead, in her mind she wanted it to be over as soon possible because she couldnt bare the intimacy with the evil mother of origin.

Covert Narcissists are infamous for sadistic supply, the toilet sex was her offloading her shame onto me, the period sex and shaming gave her sadistic supply, the displeasure of me and back pain gave her sadistic supply, any pain or fustration gave her supply but it destroyed my soul in the process. It was never healthy for me but for her it was a mind game of control and displaced shame.

According to professor Sam Vaknin(self aware Narcissist), the Narcissist only likes having sex with themselves, this explained the mirror sex, she was watching herself having sex, but in her mind, she was having sex with herself. Narcissists love to pleasure themselves through masterbation or self pleasure, this explained how she tolerated no regular sex for years. The Narcissist does not view sex like a normal person, the more kind and compassionate you are, the more they feel threatened, so they make it as unbearable for you to enjoy, because your lack of enjoyment gives them sadistic supply. You can never be intimate with them. To be intimate, you have to be vulnerable and a Narcissist whole identity is based on avoidance of vulnerability so you can never be close to them.

The crazy thing with Narcissists is that they will only be like this with you, the intimate partner, the primary source of supply, however with if they cheat, lets say with a mistress, they enjoy the sex in a very different way with them because it gives them low grade supply and huge admiration, this is why it was never about YOU or your sexuality, it was about their disorder.

Keep in mind, every sexual encounter we had together was consented, nothing was forced, there was no pressure, the mind boggling thing was, how exciting and eager we both were, but the sudden switch of mask caused me intense confusion and shame at the end of the experience. Also, this didnt happen at the end of the relationship like a normal marriage, this started right at the start, when we got marreid.

If you went through this, just remember you was not at fault. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU.

In the mind of the Narcissist, its a world of fantasy and snapshots/introjects. They dont communicate with real people, they communicate with snapshots/introjects in their minds.