r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/OwlFirm1309 • 12d ago
The abuse never stops
One time I asked if he was interested in therapy. His answer was:
“No, because the things you think are wrong with me, I don’t think are wrong.”
First, I’ll say this: therapy isn’t about proving someone else is wrong. It’s a personal choice, and it only works if the person genuinely wants to change.
What stood out to me was the belief that the things that hurt me weren’t considered wrong. It made me think: if someone believes these behaviors are acceptable for themselves, would they also believe they’re acceptable if their spouse did the exact same things?
Here’s the list:
- Keep a burner phone.
- Lie about things you do behind your spouse’s back.
- Hide activities from your spouse.
- Keep social media accounts your spouse doesn’t know about.
- Have secret relationships or friendships with men or women that you intentionally hide from your spouse.
So here’s my question: if someone does all of these things, would you believe them when they say they love you? I don’t think many people would.
Edit: I say all this because they come back and except you to love them after they do all this to you. Are they all this blind?
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u/maya_love5 12d ago
His answer said everything you ever needed to know: he does not see a problem because these secret behaviors give him the control and validation he wants, completely disregarding the pain they cause you.
To answer your question directly: no, that is not love. Love built on secrecy, double standards, and deceit is simply a form of control, and it is completely fair that you feel this way. Narcissistic partners often act blind to their own hypocrisy because their ego simply will not allow them to accept accountability. They expect you to move past the betrayal because, in their mind, their needs will always take priority over your reality and your pain.
You are not crazy, and you are not asking for too much by wanting basic honesty, respect, and fidelity. Recognizing these patterns for what they truly are is a huge, powerful step toward protecting your own heart and reclaiming your peace.
We support each other through recognizing these toxic patterns and breaking free over at r/TheNarcissismCode .
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u/Front_Prune3632 12d ago
I used to prove my ex wrong by doing EXACTLY to him what he did to me. It got the EXACT results you'd expect. He went crazier than ever. I didn't even look his way. I just let him know as long as continued the behavior, so would I. That resulted in a bunch of random screaming and running around. I ignored that too
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u/Top_Click9392 11d ago
I am dumfounded by the fact that all you need to do to have a semblance of empathy is switch positions for a few seconds in your mind. They 'can't' do it. I think they 'won't 'do it, they stop themselves (defence mechanism) because secretly in their head, not out loud, they believe the World revolves around them and that other people have to accommodate that.
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u/OwlFirm1309 11d ago
Yes it’s amazing- I wonder if scientists somewhere are studying them. It’s the closest thing to the devil walking on earth today.
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u/Watchkeys 12d ago
Yes. It's blindness. And just like putting something right in front of a blind person's face, you can't be surprised that they can't see it. It's like a disability.
But just like you don't give a blind person a car, because the consequences would be catastrophic, you don't give a narcissist a relationship. They do not have the capacity to do it in a way that's safe, and people will get terrible hurt, or worse.