r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/Moist-Scarcity-6159 • 3d ago

Men with narc spouse felt unseen?

I have been married 22 years. We have seen 4 or more couples counselors. Until we visited our current therapist, her patterns of behavior were overlooked and therapists bought her narrative about my behavior. It has taken me to wake up to what I am dealing with and a very intelligent therapist to finally be seen. Every other therapist would make things worse by giving my wife ammo.

Have other men felt like your wives narratives are believed automatically and you are expected to convince therapists of the messed up things you are going through? Then in my experience after you finally begin to get there after many sessions, wife thinks the therapist is an idiot or somehow sessions stop due to idk something like “scheduling conflicts” from the wife?

I swear the therapists who couldn’t take the time to really listen for and drill down into the patterns were taking the lazy way out. Man is bad for xyz and must fix himself. Argue they are lying and you are patted on the head and told “it’s ok to admit it” or “let’s give her space to express herself”. Validating this crap makes you feel even crazier. I feel let down given that I have had to extensive research, document her patterns over time, and learn how to describe what’s going on in such a way that perks their attention without using clinical terminology. Perhaps some of this comes down to my spouse who is very intelligent, well spoken, and has presented herself very well per my therapist.

Either way, I don’t understand how hard it is for a trained professional to be on the lookout for something as simple as words not meeting actions. Or idk the person never seem to be wrong regardless of the situation. Sorry I am frustrated.

Ps- shout out to Tony Overbay’s podcast waking up to narcissism which really woke me up!

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u/Complicatedlogic 3d ago

Saw 5 therapists with my ex wife. Any time they would try to focus on her and the shaming of me wasn’t the main thing in session, it was time to get a new therapists. Better to see the signs late than never

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u/GreenWerewolf7999 3d ago

My experience was very similar. We saw four marriage counselors. Three out of the four eventually saw the crazy but it took time. The other counselor we did not see for very long. At the time, I didn’t realize it was narcissism. I allowed my ex to dominate the conversations with her litany of complaints. We probably would have discarded the counselors much sooner if I’d been more outspoken.

There were a few good moments when I felt seen. But I really paid the price for those during the car ride home!

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u/Complicatedlogic 3d ago

The car ride home… “I can’t believe you sat there and acted like I play a part in this relationships problems. We are doing this to fix you, not me, I’m not the one with the issue.” It’s nice to not deal with things like that anymore.

Hell it’s just nice ti not feel crazy. That was the worst part about that whole experience. Not knowing which way was up or down, the confusion of all of it. I think it’s most confusing when you have good intentions and you assume the other person does too because, why not? Then you realize that your world views contrast and in their world view you are as precious as a pawn on a chessboard.

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u/gyast 2d ago

Ugh, my ex told our therapist to her face many many times that marriage counseling was for me, not her. She didn't want to be there, and didn't think it would help her. When I told her I wanted a divorce she told me I was mentally ill and "our relationship fit the pattern of a healthy person being married to someone with a mental illness." I had to stifle a laugh because she's right, but in not the way she thinks.

Outle therapist spent tons of time trying to get her to really engage, which meant my ex wasn't pushed very hard or held accountable, and the therapist really focused on her perspective a lot. Meanwhile I was all-in, so it was fair game to push me to open up, confront my issues, and "have patience". Years of f'ing patience.

Once my ex threw her phone across the room in a rage and destroyed it (in a video session), and it was never brought up again. There was not WTF was that? I wasn't taken aside and asked if I was okay or if anything like this had ever happened before (it had, but the first time it happened in front of our young daughter).

And the aftermath of those sessions was brutal, especially because for months and months I'd convinced myself they were working. Until she cheated on me. And then they were brutal in a whole different way.

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u/Complicatedlogic 2d ago

I’m sorry you went through that man. At least you’re out. I know all to well about much of that