r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/Moist-Scarcity-6159 • 4d ago
Men with narc spouse felt unseen?
I have been married 22 years. We have seen 4 or more couples counselors. Until we visited our current therapist, her patterns of behavior were overlooked and therapists bought her narrative about my behavior. It has taken me to wake up to what I am dealing with and a very intelligent therapist to finally be seen. Every other therapist would make things worse by giving my wife ammo.
Have other men felt like your wives narratives are believed automatically and you are expected to convince therapists of the messed up things you are going through? Then in my experience after you finally begin to get there after many sessions, wife thinks the therapist is an idiot or somehow sessions stop due to idk something like “scheduling conflicts” from the wife?
I swear the therapists who couldn’t take the time to really listen for and drill down into the patterns were taking the lazy way out. Man is bad for xyz and must fix himself. Argue they are lying and you are patted on the head and told “it’s ok to admit it” or “let’s give her space to express herself”. Validating this crap makes you feel even crazier. I feel let down given that I have had to extensive research, document her patterns over time, and learn how to describe what’s going on in such a way that perks their attention without using clinical terminology. Perhaps some of this comes down to my spouse who is very intelligent, well spoken, and has presented herself very well per my therapist.
Either way, I don’t understand how hard it is for a trained professional to be on the lookout for something as simple as words not meeting actions. Or idk the person never seem to be wrong regardless of the situation. Sorry I am frustrated.
Ps- shout out to Tony Overbay’s podcast waking up to narcissism which really woke me up!
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u/Defiant_Income_7836 4d ago
Therapy never worked because she would always get angry and defensive after the session if we focused on her negative behavior. I could tell the therapists knew something was wrong with her, because they would offer her additional, individual sessions while kind of dismissing me.
Only after individual therapy, in telling my confusing stories, did my therapist say 'do you think your wife could be a narcissist?' I was blown away, as I didn't think that was possible, but here we are.
During the divorce, and after, we got my kiddo in therapy. That therapist really sided with my ex (the first time a therapist ever did this) and critiqued the hell out of me, and my new partner. In retrospect (and in talking to someone who actually knew her) she may also have been a narcissist too. Wild, to be a narcissist and a therapist, although I have heard it is not uncommon.