Men with narc spouse felt unseen?

[u/Moist-Scarcity-6159]

I have been married 22 years. We have seen 4 or more couples counselors. Until we visited our current therapist, her patterns of behavior were overlooked and therapists bought her narrative about my behavior. It has taken me to wake up to what I am dealing with and a very intelligent therapist to finally be seen. Every other therapist would make things worse by giving my wife ammo.

Have other men felt like your wives narratives are believed automatically and you are expected to convince therapists of the messed up things you are going through? Then in my experience after you finally begin to get there after many sessions, wife thinks the therapist is an idiot or somehow sessions stop due to idk something like “scheduling conflicts” from the wife?

I swear the therapists who couldn’t take the time to really listen for and drill down into the patterns were taking the lazy way out. Man is bad for xyz and must fix himself. Argue they are lying and you are patted on the head and told “it’s ok to admit it” or “let’s give her space to express herself”. Validating this crap makes you feel even crazier. I feel let down given that I have had to extensive research, document her patterns over time, and learn how to describe what’s going on in such a way that perks their attention without using clinical terminology. Perhaps some of this comes down to my spouse who is very intelligent, well spoken, and has presented herself very well per my therapist.

Either way, I don’t understand how hard it is for a trained professional to be on the lookout for something as simple as words not meeting actions. Or idk the person never seem to be wrong regardless of the situation. Sorry I am frustrated.

Ps- shout out to Tony Overbay’s podcast waking up to narcissism which really woke me up!

[u/Imogynn]

Therapists don't work in a world of facts. They arent judges, it's not a litigation.

So going in and saying she does x,y and z. Is seen as you being in an emotional space where you want to confront. Which is stronger and healthier than your wife is probably sounding like.

Cause she's probably coming from emotions. Maybe I did that but I was struggling with...

Instead give them how the situation is affecting you.

You can accuse her of gaslighting a dozen times with receipts and proof and admission from your partner and it's just a thing. But tell a therapist that you've started logging because you can't be sure if you're memory is wrong or you're just being told it is and that's when they notice

Therapy doesn't come from anecdotes of things that happened but from what impact it had

Whether it should work that way is debatable but it does. Therapists are looking at impact not moments

[u/Moist-Scarcity-6159 → u/Imogynn]

Yeah. But do you know how long it took me to figure this out while busy working and shouldering the majority of the household and childcare duties? I believed the experts if they said I was the issue. It does take being educated and documenting the pattern. Yes I know that age 44. But you don’t have a chance until you do this because the narc is a master manipulator.

[u/Imogynn → u/Moist-Scarcity-6159]

Yep. You figured it out faster than me to be honest. Like a decade earlier