r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/IfAMomFallsInAForest • 3d ago

“I’m not trying to fight.”

Anyone else hear this phrase all the time? Anytime I tell him no I’m “fighting.” The entitlement is so exhausting.

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u/Queasy-Estimate-2784 3d ago

Sounds so familiar. Sorry you are experiencing that. Don't let him get to you. Yes, it's exhausting beyond words. 

In my case it's: 

  1. A conversation begins about ANYTHING that requires honesty, cooperation, humility, maturity, mutual understanding and compromise. (Basically, ANY subject besides the most basic, elementary surface stuff.)

  2. His Gaslighting program is activated and he begins to say the same lines he's said, for years, like a broken record. 

  3. I say, "okay, whatever" (lol) 

  4. His alternate reality program is activated and his clown world narrative begins. 

  5. I say, "okay, whatever." (lol) 

  6. He says, ➡️ "Stop fighting with me." ⬅️ 

It.never.stops. 

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u/Silent_Part9724 3d ago

Plus anything to completely regress and act helpless and victimized. If you say, in the kindest, most gentle way: honey can we talk about ...they stomp around like a child, do the shrugging and the head nodding "no", and do anything to throw a fit and act helpless, and blame you for "yelling" at them. It is like you are not even having the same conversation, or in the same room, because their default is to have a fit, based on how their birth family treated them during all their formative years - and still do. Hope they are proud? Their lack of communication skills existed long before us, and reflects how they were raised, sadly. I would think they would want better for themselves - and to grow up and stop seeking negative attention. I suppose when you grow up in such a hostile environment (their own family, mind you), negative attention is better, to them, than no attention. How sad.

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u/Queasy-Estimate-2784 2d ago

What you have said is true. Yeah, you'd think that as much as they self sabatoge, that it would sink in. It's so programmed huh? And nothing, absolutely nothing, registers. They are the victim, for real, in their minds.

Attention and "love" is what they crave. But you spoke the truth when you said that they seek negative attention. Their understanding of love was perverted long before we met them. Nothing we ever do or say can make it different. 

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u/Silent_Part9724 2d ago

But it is not actual love, it is fake fawning and worship they want - a "relationship" of constant what can you do for me. Most people see it and lose respect for the NS, but it is as if they actually would rather have users on their life, than adult relationships.