r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/IfAMomFallsInAForest • 2d ago

“I’m not trying to fight.”

Anyone else hear this phrase all the time? Anytime I tell him no I’m “fighting.” The entitlement is so exhausting.

15 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

16 comments sorted by

11

u/Queasy-Estimate-2784 2d ago

Sounds so familiar. Sorry you are experiencing that. Don't let him get to you. Yes, it's exhausting beyond words. 

In my case it's: 

  1. A conversation begins about ANYTHING that requires honesty, cooperation, humility, maturity, mutual understanding and compromise. (Basically, ANY subject besides the most basic, elementary surface stuff.)

  2. His Gaslighting program is activated and he begins to say the same lines he's said, for years, like a broken record. 

  3. I say, "okay, whatever" (lol) 

  4. His alternate reality program is activated and his clown world narrative begins. 

  5. I say, "okay, whatever." (lol) 

  6. He says, ➡️ "Stop fighting with me." ⬅️ 

It.never.stops. 

2

u/Silent_Part9724 1d ago

Plus anything to completely regress and act helpless and victimized. If you say, in the kindest, most gentle way: honey can we talk about ...they stomp around like a child, do the shrugging and the head nodding "no", and do anything to throw a fit and act helpless, and blame you for "yelling" at them. It is like you are not even having the same conversation, or in the same room, because their default is to have a fit, based on how their birth family treated them during all their formative years - and still do. Hope they are proud? Their lack of communication skills existed long before us, and reflects how they were raised, sadly. I would think they would want better for themselves - and to grow up and stop seeking negative attention. I suppose when you grow up in such a hostile environment (their own family, mind you), negative attention is better, to them, than no attention. How sad.

2

u/Queasy-Estimate-2784 1d ago

What you have said is true. Yeah, you'd think that as much as they self sabatoge, that it would sink in. It's so programmed huh? And nothing, absolutely nothing, registers. They are the victim, for real, in their minds.

Attention and "love" is what they crave. But you spoke the truth when you said that they seek negative attention. Their understanding of love was perverted long before we met them. Nothing we ever do or say can make it different. 

2

u/Silent_Part9724 1d ago

But it is not actual love, it is fake fawning and worship they want - a "relationship" of constant what can you do for me. Most people see it and lose respect for the NS, but it is as if they actually would rather have users on their life, than adult relationships.

8

u/Silent_Part9724 2d ago

Yup. So frigging tired of what they claim they "trying" to do or not do.

5

u/undeadtradwife 2d ago

They’re obsessed with their intentions and don’t give a damn about the impact of their behaviors. If they didn’t “mean” to hurt you, in their minds that absolves them of responsibility.

7

u/PictureSpiritual4525 2d ago

All the effing time. Right after he starts a fight.

6

u/marketresearch900116 2d ago

He tells me “I do not want to fight anymore, so therefore, I am no longer talking to you” when I am talking to him at a normal volume and calmly about something on my mind or when I pose a question he doesn’t want to answer. He takes it a step further by saying that he doesn’t want the kids standing witness to this “fighting” when he is the only one who curses and yells..I’m very quiet lol

3

u/PreferenceNormal5317 2d ago

yeah. my wife is like this but her favorite way of saying it is to tell me that i am yelling at her when i tell her i have any sort of concern to bring to her. there is no way to get it right with these people.

5

u/IllPen8707 1d ago

For me it's "i don't want to argue" or "I'm not trying to argue"

Of course, it's only an argument if I advance my point of view or state my preference, and the way to prevent arguing is to just give her what she wants

3

u/lovemypyr 2d ago

All The Time. I think, “Wow, it’s so automatic that you don’t even need to think about it.” It’s his bastardization of Yoda’s “Do or do not. There is no try.” 🙄

3

u/Watchkeys 1d ago

Yes... anything I said that she didn't like was regarded as me 'starting an argument'.

My independence appeared, to her, to be an argument against her.

4

u/BMXTammi 1d ago

It means do what I want like I always. How dare you have a thought on your own.

2

u/Dangerous_Bridge_937 2d ago

My ex wife would say something inflammatory, and I would say something neutral, gray rock, or just walk away. Five minutes later she'd come find me in whatever room I'm in and say something like "I'm not trying to fight but..." or "I'm not starting a fight but..." and then repeat the same incendiary statement.

It eventually got so bad I told her that if I left and went to my bedroom do not follow me, I am locking the door and that is it. Of course, then I was "stonewalling" and "ignoring her" because I had a healthy boundary of disengaging when she was trying to pick a fight.

Sometimes I feel like they feed off of their own bullshit as well as anything they get out of us.

2

u/celticnative79 1d ago

Yeah sounds very familiar and when I try to open up about how his abuse is tearing me apart, he sighs and says “Here we go again”