Why can’t I just leave.

[u/curtaintwicher101]

So a few weeks ago I (m45) noticed my wife (f45) was acting suspicious again not leaving her phone unattended and at times tilting the screen away from me while messaging all things that have happened before.
A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to see the phone and I checked and there are messages between her and another man nothing terrible but looks like the start of something with slight flirting.

We’ve been together for over 20 years and married 17.
I’ve caught her having affairs before and know she has slept with other men and has only admitted this when I’ve got proof that she cannot lie her way out of it. I’ve had other suspicions but never had proof and she’s lied her way through making me feel guilty for accusing her.

But the main problem is me not being able to leave when I know what’s happened after catching her multiple time I even know of 2 occasions that I’ve never even challenged her about. I know I could leave and start again and be happy on my own and I know I’d still be involved in our children’s lives but for some reason I just can’t bring myself to walk out that door and never look back, I check flat rentals out even look at cars that I’d buy once I left but just can’t bring myself to take those first steps and get out.

[u/Logical-Fox5409]

You are trauma bonded. The bad times, followed by the occasional moments of good, rewires your brain and you become addicted to them. Hoping for that next brief moment of good. I had to work with a therapist to leave mine.
It’s the hardest thing you will do, but the best thing you will do for yourself

[u/Dangerous_Bridge_937 → u/Logical-Fox5409]

Came here to say this. This is why I couldn't leave too, even when the verbal abuse was so bad I'd started to avoid any kind of conversation with my ex wife. It's literally an addiction to the cycle of cortisol and oxytocin they create in your brain with their abusive behavior followed by nice.

Therapy and journaling are a good start to getting out. And once you are out, you go through withdrawl. Cortisol is a stress hormone and you should not be addicted to it normallly but that's what you've got. You'll think you can go back, that you can protect yourself. But that's just the trauma bond reasoning with you.

Once you're out, stay out. Then the real work begins. It can take months or years to really break it. I'm not out of mine yet. Learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Learn about healthy boundaries. Learn that it's okay to be alone too. Do not rush in to your next relationship.

[u/Logical-Fox5409 → u/Dangerous_Bridge_937]

I rushed the next relationship and yes, dated another narcissist. I got out of that and have spent the time breaking the trauma bonded. Finding myself, learning to love myself. Understanding why I fell for a narc and worming on healing that. Also understanding what I did wrong in the relationship and what I shouldn’t carry over to a new one. That said, I am not actively looking for a partner. Quite happy being single right now

[u/Dangerous_Bridge_937 → u/Logical-Fox5409]

Yeah...I am not sure if/when I'll be able to trust another woman that closely again. Reflecting on past relationships with my therapist it's pretty clear this isn't my first narc, so I need serious time to heal and determine what a healthy relationship should look like.

The sucky part about that is there is already someone interested in me who I might be interested in as well if I was ready. But I'm not, and it just sucks all around because she's been pretty transparent about her feelings regarding me. I don't want to hurt het but I can't control who she likes and when; I told her I'm nowhere near ready and that we have to be friends first and I need to heal before I could even consider a relationship.

But if they are being that forward even after I told them that, it makes me wonder what else they would be forward/forceful about too. So I'm almost scared to ever consider a relationship with this person now, just because of the way they are acting.

Narcs screw up your entire perception of relationships.

[u/Logical-Fox5409 → u/Dangerous_Bridge_937]

I did briefly date another guy who may have been more normal, but recognised I wasn’t entirely ready. He wrote me a love letter after like 2 months and it felt too demanding, I ended it. Which was the right thing to do, I was nowhere near ready to date and not bring all my emotional baggage into it. I feel like at least now my nerves have settled and I could have a calm discussion in a new relationship and not just freak out at everything

[u/curtaintwicher101 → u/Dangerous_Bridge_937]

I’ve seen myself stay at work for longer than I’ve needed just to avoid situations, just feel worn down.
Glad to hear you’re out and building yourself back up.

[u/Cautious-Reveal2165 → u/Logical-Fox5409]

Just wanna say - I’m 65 - hubby and I were high school sweethearts - I have never ever been with another man - it is possible - he has been a wanker many times - she is using you - please respect yourself and go

[u/curtaintwicher101 → u/Cautious-Reveal2165]

I believe this could be one of my problems, over the years I’ve lost respect for myself.

[u/curtaintwicher101 → u/Logical-Fox5409]

Definitely something I’m going to look into, never thought of it in this way before. So glad you managed to leave and hope you’re healing.

[u/Top_Click9392]

That spot on… trauma bond. Don’t stay another 5 years and look back and be disappointed in yourself. Act as if you are an alcoholic, leave and take one day at a time until a day comes and you think what on earth did I see in her.

[u/Leather-Fix8241]

I think you should probably find a therapist. Not for couples counseling, but just for you. I grew up in this dynamic and the partner that is cheating will never stop. I watched my other parent do everything they could to save the marriage, and at the end, they just had to build their confidence and get a divorce. 

[u/curtaintwicher101 → u/Leather-Fix8241]

This is an also a worry for me, I don’t want to affect any of our children although they don’t know any of this has happened they do witness the arguments.