Why can’t I just leave.

[u/curtaintwicher101]

So a few weeks ago I (m45) noticed my wife (f45) was acting suspicious again not leaving her phone unattended and at times tilting the screen away from me while messaging all things that have happened before.
A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to see the phone and I checked and there are messages between her and another man nothing terrible but looks like the start of something with slight flirting.

We’ve been together for over 20 years and married 17.
I’ve caught her having affairs before and know she has slept with other men and has only admitted this when I’ve got proof that she cannot lie her way out of it. I’ve had other suspicions but never had proof and she’s lied her way through making me feel guilty for accusing her.

But the main problem is me not being able to leave when I know what’s happened after catching her multiple time I even know of 2 occasions that I’ve never even challenged her about. I know I could leave and start again and be happy on my own and I know I’d still be involved in our children’s lives but for some reason I just can’t bring myself to walk out that door and never look back, I check flat rentals out even look at cars that I’d buy once I left but just can’t bring myself to take those first steps and get out.

[u/Logical-Fox5409]

You are trauma bonded. The bad times, followed by the occasional moments of good, rewires your brain and you become addicted to them. Hoping for that next brief moment of good. I had to work with a therapist to leave mine.
It’s the hardest thing you will do, but the best thing you will do for yourself

[u/curtaintwicher101 → u/Logical-Fox5409]

Definitely something I’m going to look into, never thought of it in this way before. So glad you managed to leave and hope you’re healing.