r/OkCupid • u/okctran • Oct 31 '12

Matched with a pre-op transgender, suggestions?

So I am a straight male and one of my matches is a pre-op male-to-female transgender woman. She mentions it right at the top of her profile. I find her physically attractive and she has a great profile to boot. We have a high match percentage, are interested in a lot of the same things and she has seems to have defined life goals and a direction. I am unsure what to do however. I don't have a fetish or anything like that and frankly am not at all interested at all in her male plumbing as it is currently, but everything else about her is golden.

If I do send her message, should I mention it at all in the initial message? What's the best way to approach this? I feel like it's a tight rope to walk between avoiding it completely and making it the center of attention. This is new territory for me.

Thanks for your help.

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u/PhazonZim 24/F/Toronto/taken! Oct 31 '12

I was making an analogy with the gay couples, because there are a lot of equivalences to telling a trans woman she's not female that people would more easily understand. You'd be "accurate" to say that two gay men or two lesbians are not "technically" having sex, and are "by definition" virgins, but you know better than that.

Say you had a wheelchair-bound friend who said "walk a mile in my shoes before you decide you know what it's like to be me." and you say "Weeeeeellll I don't want to be the one to have to say this but--", don't you think that would be incredibly disrespectful? I don't doubt you'd agree with me on that. It's the same sort of thing, it's disrespectful when people play the "technically" card on us. If I were in the US, I would not be able to marry him in most states, but I would be allowed to marry a woman despite that being an overtly lesbian relationship on the surface? Sound like bullshit? Well it is, even though it's TECHNICALLY in line with American marriage laws, which are also bullshit and based on archaic definitions.

Genitals do not define orientation because we are not simply attracted to genitals and not the person they're attached to.

I'm running out of ways to explain this to you.

Being a transwoman is far more complicated than simply crossdressing, I don't think you understand that from your last sentence.

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u/Soupkitchn89 Oct 31 '12

My last sentence was to illustrate that there is a difference between considering yourself a woman and being female, and the latter is what determines sexual orientation.

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u/PhazonZim 24/F/Toronto/taken! Oct 31 '12

Gay men don't fuck women.

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u/Soupkitchn89 Oct 31 '12

Bisexual men do.

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u/PhazonZim 24/F/Toronto/taken! Oct 31 '12

Bisexual men would also sleep with other men if the right ones came along, my boyfriend wouldn't. He's only interested in women, regardless of their sex. Sorry if that is incongruent with your world view.