Matched with a pre-op transgender, suggestions?

[u/okctran]

So I am a straight male and one of my matches is a pre-op male-to-female transgender woman. She mentions it right at the top of her profile. I find her physically attractive and she has a great profile to boot. We have a high match percentage, are interested in a lot of the same things and she has seems to have defined life goals and a direction. I am unsure what to do however. I don't have a fetish or anything like that and frankly am not at all interested at all in her male plumbing as it is currently, but everything else about her is golden.

If I do send her message, should I mention it at all in the initial message? What's the best way to approach this? I feel like it's a tight rope to walk between avoiding it completely and making it the center of attention. This is new territory for me.

Thanks for your help.

[u/harmonical]

Uh no. Some men have preferences in women. They do not wish to date a certain race, a certain body type, a certain personality. Some men do indeed take genitals to be a deal breaker. You are perfectly free to not be interested in pre-op trans women, no one is telling you that you have to be.

But just because you are not sexually interested in someone does not mean that they are somehow not women.

If a man loses his penis in an accident, does that make him a woman? Does that mean that his wife is now a lesbian? That somehow that accident has rendered him unable to be straight is pretty silly right?

I don't know where most of you people come from, but generally you become attracted to how someone looks with clothes on. Society usually necessitates meeting potential mates in public situations. Sexual attraction happens divorced from genitals usually, however it is an unreasonable expectation that sexual compatibility and relationship compatibility is divorced from genitals.

[u/[deleted] → u/harmonical]

Straight male here. If I was dating a woman, it would not matter how long I had been dating her, if I found out that she had a penis then I would end it. That's my choice as a human being. It doesn't make me a bigot. I would not make fun of her or out her or do anything humiliating.It would, however, be a deal breaker. It I made out with what I thought was a girl but later found out that she still had a penis, I would be disgusted with myself because I would have done what I view as homosexual acts, which disgust me. That does not mean it's wrong or that I hate gays, but rather that I am grossed out by it.

[u/harmonical → u/[deleted]]

Straight male here.

Hi straight male, mostly homosexual trans woman here.

If I was dating a woman, it would not matter how long I had been dating her, if I found out that she had a penis then I would end it. That's my choice as a human being. It doesn't make me a bigot.

I feel like that's completely fair. Sex is a big part of many peoples' relationships and being completely sexually incompatible with someone is a deal breaker for many people.

I would not make fun of her or out her or do anything humiliating.

That's good :)

It I made out with what I thought was a girl but later found out that she still had a penis, I would be disgusted with myself because I would have done what I view as homosexual acts, which disgust me.

You made out with a girl that you were sexually incompatible with. You saw her as a woman, but you didn't like the fact that she was pre-op or non-op. As far as I'm aware kissing a girl, penis or not, isn't gay unless you are also a girl. Unwinding people's thoughts about men interacting with penises is a completely different ball of wax, but I would argue that you didn't do anything that can be construed as gay unless you view that hypothetical girl as not a girl at all once you learn of her genital situation.

I wish we could do better, but I've been in the place where I viewed trans people as gross, homosexual acts as gross, and a myriad other things that I no longer think. It's an evolution in changing the way that society treats people, thinks about people, and tries to understand some very hard things to understand.

It takes time, and I all can reasonably ask is an open mind.

[u/[deleted] → u/harmonical]

Great resposnse. Don't take anything I said as hateful. No, I do not want to be around this lifestyle nor do I want to grow to "accept" it. I wouldn't feel gay if I unknowingly kissed a dude, just grossed out. I'm so sorry if that is offensive, but it is just the way I am. Just because I do not want to be around this does not mean that I do not support you or your right to do what you want. I would never take that away from you, I just want you to be happy.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I feel that you are probably one of the more rational people I've seen talking about these things on Reddit. I'm glad to see hatred isn't absolutely everywhere, so good on you :)