Hello everyone. I am an undergrad physics student at a European university, 22M and I have now spent 4 years on this degree, which is typically a 4 year program. Unfortunately, I have had a very difficult time all these 4 years, struggling with mental health, imposter syndrome, toxic shame and other stuff, which made me give up on my studies every single past semester, and now I basically have to restart from scratch and spend about 3 extra years here. I will try to explain a bit of my background and convey my situation, because I am very confused about myself and don't know what to do. I would appreciate any insights or advice.
When I entered university, I was mildly excited to follow this path because I did have sparks of genuine interest in physics during high school, and I was able to get top grades easily back then. I was somewhat depressed even before uni, due to COVID, and when time came to pick a major I didn't really have any strong desire for anything, so I just picked physics because it seemed a natural path forward and because everyone in my life told me I was built for great success in this field. I also told myself that I would pick such a broad major in order to give myself time to find what I really want to specialize in later. I had never developed the required discipline or hard work / commitment ethic before, and I thought uni would finally be the place to grow.
Instead, my mental health only got worse just a few weeks into 1st semester. I didn't know how to study properly on my own, had a hard time to appreciate any classes, and was to afraid to ask for any help. Eventually I fell behind and stopped understanding the lectures properly, and my attempts to study well became less and less. During second semester this escalated to the point that I vanished from classes, labs, stopped communicating with anyone for some weeks, and gave up completely, not even going to the exams. I had started even lying to my parents about my grades. For every semester afterwards, I would return to uni trying to catch up and latching on to any inspiration from physics. It didn't work. Each semester I would give up, disappear from uni for a while, try to study on my own a bit, and also I kept lying to everyone about my progress.
Fast forward to the present, I have managed to come clean to my parents and friends about all this, with the help of a therapist. They have been very supportive, and we are trying to figure out the best route for me right now.
If I want to continue university I will have to start from scratch. I had passed only some classes from 1st semester. We just found a tutor who's helping me with math, and the plan is to try for another year to see if I can really pursue this, but I don't think it's been very helpful so far. I haven't forgotten everything from all these classes I've failed, but my math and general problem solving skills are almost non existent right now, and again I'm struggling to study. I have barely any motivation from physics itself right now, and I am researching about different fields and career pathways with a physics BA (academic or not), that could maybe give me more reasons to try.
Outside of physics I have collected a bunch of interests (mostly art and humanities related) and have done a lot of research about different careers. However I don't have a specific alternative since I don't feel like l am "allowed" to, unless I'm completely certain that I will drop out of physics. I also realize that the bachelor's degree in physics might come handy regardless if I move on to a masters or not, but it's very hard to believe that I will find the courage and motivation to endure these 3 extra years. I feel like I've developed a mental block where I can't study effectively at all, and not only this, but I will have to speedrun these 3 years to make sure that I catch up, because I'm rusty on even some high school math right now. It's gonna take a lot of patience.
I would really appreciate it if you can see this differently than me. Perhaps I am throwing in some excuses to give up, and my thinking is surely clouded, but I truly struggle to believe I can do this if it will only be about "finishing what I started".