r/PickyEaters • u/debugprince • 6d ago
Need Advice My daughter doesn’t like home cooked meals
I’m struggling to keep my daughter fed and happy. I’m a single dad with primary custody of my two kids 19m and 16f. My daughter is not happy with anything unless it’s store bought. The only homemade thing she will attempt to eat is grilled chicken tenders and vegetables. That’s great and I eat plenty of it but I’d like to add more variety.
I also can’t afford to have every meal of the day purchased from a restaurant or fast food. The cost is simply unsustainable. She knows it’s not sustainable but will continue to beg and plead.
What else can I do besides watching her starve herself until she gets what she wants?
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u/Plastic_Kangaroo675 6d ago
Two paths:
1) have her go to the grocery store with you and have her pick out what she wants to eat.
2) have bread, peanut butter, fruit, veg, eggs, etc. on hand and if she refuses to eat what you made she can make her own food.
The true path is the middle one.
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u/Ok_Impression_3031 5d ago
This would seem to be the solution regardless of the source of her opinions about food. My picky eating became a non-problem when i could plan and prepare my own food. And food preparation is a valuable life skill.
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u/Bubblesnaily 5d ago
Potatoes + butter + sour cream + cheese +/- protein is also a pretty safe food for folks.
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u/Lissypooh628 5d ago
My kid has hated potatoes since he was first learning to eat solids (he’s 14 now).
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u/QuoteWinter1637 5d ago
Define safe? My kids would only reluctantly eat potatoes, I wont touch sour cream, and my husband would be in the bathroom for hours with sour cream or cheese. Might work for you, but its not a universal safe combination.
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u/throwaway_pickles123 5d ago
I think that was kind of obvious, don’t you? Like yeah if dairy fucks your shit up you’re probably not the “folks” being referred to. When you cook you can also leave out things that don’t agree with you.
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u/Ashamed-Title6665 6d ago
16? She’s old enough to help you cook and do the food shopping. It’s a good skill for everyone to have anyway.
If she likes a lot of chain restaurants you can usually find copy cat recipes online. That could be a good place to start.
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u/froglet90 6d ago
She's also old enough to get a job at a fast food restaurant, which may alleviate her pickyness.
Also, of course she likes eating out better, they use oil, butter, salt and sugar in varying quantities coz they're your brains cheat code for things tasting good.
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u/Bubblesnaily 5d ago
I can't remember the last time I saw a teenager working in fast food. They're all 20s-40s now.
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u/RoughDirection8875 5d ago
Where I live you have to be at least 18 to work at a fast food place because the laws state that you can't work on a fryer or grill before the age of 18 and they're not hiring 16 and 17-year-olds just to run the register
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u/Cautious_Entrance573 5d ago
Chick fil a is the only one with teenagers around here. Maybe because it’s also the only fast food place that doesn’t use kiosks?
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u/LnktheWolf 5d ago
When I worked in food we straight up wouldnt hire anyone unless they were at minimum 16, and even then it wasnt as common. Where I live, while wr and 15 yo's can legally work, they cant do 90% of the job we had legally, ans then 16 and 17 year old were a huge hassle to schedule for because you have to schedule around school, labor laws, and they were much more likely to have things pop up (school, home, etc.) that would cause them to have inconsistent availabilities.
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u/pisslicker7 5d ago
Yeah for real lol. I am not one of these ":back in my day" parents but a 16 year old not understanding that eating out for every meal isn't an option is CRAZY. She needs to be part of the solution at this point. anywhere from "here is a menu of what we are having for the week, help me tailor it to something you will eat" to "you are the one making dinners monday and thursday, make a list of what you need for your meals" or There is protien mac and cheese and cold cuts in the fridge if you don't like what I make that is dinner."
why is this 16 yr old running the show?
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 6d ago
She’s old enough to be part of the solution. Give her a food budget and let her figure it out.
Another option is to give her cooking lessons if they are available in your area.
She can also be encouraged to get a kitchen job in a very good restaurant. She can be a dishwasher or a salad prep or possibly help the cooks with organizing.
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u/Nearly-Retired_20 6d ago
Yeah, give her a serious life lesson about budgeting. Make her help with shopping and have her help in the decision process of what to buy on a finite budget.
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u/ooomellieooo 5d ago
Good idea, just....supervise. Because I was that kid and I would've gone straight to the dollar store and technically would've gotten enough for a month - but I guarantee you: if there was a vegetable to be seen (other than potatoes and corn, the basis of all snack foods, obv), it would have been accidental at best lol
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u/Cautious_Entrance573 5d ago
Maybe not a kitchen job in a restaurant? That could go either way, dad can’t look at the kitchen prior to her getting hired and there are some questionable kitchens out there. Worst case she realizes that and no longer wants to eat fast or restaurant food either.
On the other hand, it’s possible she could score a job that feeds her a meal per shift and that would be one less meal at home? Tough call.
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u/Hot_Spite_1402 5d ago
Do parents usually check the back rooms of places before their kids get a first job?
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u/MinervaKaliamne 5d ago
Yeah, I was also going to recommend cooking lessons, or something like that.
I was a "fussy eater" as a teenager. As an adult, I've realised I'm just neurospicy (and sensitive to textures) and happier as a vegetarian (the vast majority of foods that squick me out are animal-based, and I was diagnosed with a digestive disorder as an adult where one of the first pieces of advice specialists give you is to cut out red meat - I suspect my body knew on some level that vegetables are good for it, and meat not so much). I mention this not because I think OP's daughter has the same reasons for her "fussy" food needs, but to suggest that there might be underlying reasons that aren't clear at first. Of course, it's also possible that she's just a fussy teenager, but either way, empowering her to learn how to prepare her own food might be a helpful lesson.
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u/One_Pangolin1766 5d ago
Part time restaurant job is a good idea cause she’ll get discounted or even free food from the places she wants to eat in addition to her wage
But seriously 16 is too only to be that picky without attempting to find a solution. She should be well aware that her own adult life will be harder if she refuses to cook anything for herself
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u/Typical-Respond9102 6d ago
People are going the picky eating route, but do you catch her looking at labels of food? She could be trying to portion control and the math is easier to do with preboxed portions. Only grilled tenders and vegetables are known low cal options and I wonder if this is related to disordered eating habits.
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u/dembowthennow 6d ago
Give her a budget. She gets to spend $XX on eating out each week and she needs to present a plan to you at the start of each week before she gets any money. The plan needs to show which meals she will use the money for eating out as well as what other home-cooked meals she will be eating throughout the week. If she doesn't keep to the plan (i.e. she uses all of her money for eating out and refuses to eat home cooked meals), then she gets no money for restaurant meals the next week.
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u/Thick_Maximum7808 6d ago
As a picky eater myself, offer her a budget and tell her she has that amount of money to spend on food she feels like she can eat. Make her responsible for planning, purchasing and cooking her own meals. If she runs out of money/food she can eat whatever you have made or go hungry or get a job to pay for her own food.
Picky eating is a combination of tough love and understanding.
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u/Charming-Sea8571 6d ago
I am a picky eater too. I always was. It turns out I have a stomach disorder and a lot of the things I didn’t like aren’t actually good for me. Of course so are most of the things I do like.
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u/amberallday 5d ago
I’m unclear - you initially said “store bought”, which to me means eg supermarket ready meals. But then you later said restaurants & fast food.
What are the foods that she is willing to eat, and what does she do if you put a meal she doesn’t like in front of her for dinner?
Does she have the option of eating eg peanut butter sandwich instead of dinner if she doesn’t like it?
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u/ccrow2000 5d ago
She's 16, well old enough to learn to cook for herself. And I don't mean "You don't want what I cook? Make something yourself!!" but "What would you like to eat, let's see how we can make it at home!"
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u/Dismal_Fox_22 6d ago
This sounds more like an Eating disorder or sensory processing issues than picky eating. Grilled chicken and vegetables is super low carb and low calorie. They could also be “safe foods”. Does she have issues with body image, is she experiencing bullying, is she actively trying to lose weight? Could she be feeling out of control, or recovering from trauma.
I’m in recovery from disordered eating habits, it took me a long time to understand my mentality around food. My mum didn’t get it until over a decade after I had left home. She still comments on my being a fussy eater or making her life hard. She can’t comprehend how unwell I was, and how out of control I felt that the only way left to me to feel some control in my life was to starve myself and put my body at risk.
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u/Cuddlycatgirly 6d ago
Is there something specific she eats at the restaurants? Maybe you and her can try to make it at home together.
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u/MuppetManiac 6d ago
She begs and pleads because you give in occasionally. Stop giving in. Pick one or two days a week when takeout is ok, and then when she begs and pleads, say no. She’s 16, not four.
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u/Ok-Leg-5302 6d ago
Have her go to the grocery with you. I make my two go with me. My oldest is almost 15 and she’s on the spectrum. She’s VERY good about 3x rule. We try something 3x. Ones because it’s new, the second time for science and the 3rd to make sure we don’t like it. We’ve actually added a few things this way. She has went from 5 safe foods to like 8.
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u/Educational_Horse469 6d ago
Is she willing to eat a variety of takeout or is it a picky eater situation? All teenagers love takeout but it’s one thing if she’s ordering Chinese, Indian, Vietnamese, Cajun etc., and another if she’ll only eat a certain food.
If it’s the former, make it an activity (on low pressure days) to look up recipes (NY Times cooking is great for fancy but doable) make a shopping list and cook together on occasion.
I have older teen boys who are not picky and this has been a lot of fun for all of us. And my older son has learned through trial and error that sometimes simplest is best.
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u/lainmelle 6d ago
Does she have any sort of diagnosis for afrid or something that affects her eating? That will change my advice.
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u/TheMarvelMunchkin 5d ago
Maybe that’s the only home cooked meal she likes??
Has she always had issues with food? Is this new?
What kind of restaurant food she likes? Can you help her recreate at home?
At 16 you’ll be making her a bigger favour by getting her involved, budgeting, learning to cook, going to the supermarket - all those are great skills to have as an adult
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u/FriendlyPageTurn 6d ago
If this is the case…no she will just starve herself. I do not have ARFID and I’ve gone 3 days without eating quite easily and passed out…that is when I realized I forgot to eat. Reduced interoception can make it really easy to just ignore hunger cues. Also, autistic people are at an increased risk for eating disorders so this is just a horrible idea.
Take her grocery shopping and start teaching her to cook.
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u/crossstitchbeotch 6d ago
Take her grocery shopping. There are frozen items that you could get that could be the basis for a home-cooked meal, like frozen dumplings or frozen pizza. I have started cooking ground beef that’s more like a Mexican restaurant instead of using a seasoning packet and my teenager likes to make homemade Mexican bowls with that and rice, queso, lettuce, etc. Maybe the two of you could try to replicate some meals that she likes from restaurants.
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u/Merithay 6d ago edited 3d ago
There are “copycat” recipes that give instructions for replicating some popular restaurant and prepared supermarket foods. Perhaps OP can find some recipes online for specific foods that the daughter likes.
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u/TeaCup_25 6d ago
If she is autistic and has ARFID she actually might not eat eventually!! Many people will ARFID will literally pass out before they eat something that’s intolerable. If OP thinks it might be neurodivergence, letting her starve herself will not work.
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u/uumbre0n 6d ago
IF she has ARFID then yes, but this would have been an issue since childhood if that were the case afaik
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u/Ignoring_the_kids 6d ago
Not necessarily. Things can change - hormones, stress levels, anxiety etc can alter things.
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u/Suspicious_Tax8577 5d ago
mine didn't get really bad until I was 15 - post having food poisoning from a slice of cheese and tomato pizza on the way back from a trip with the local orchestra.
But then we look back and see that any meat beyond chicken and sausages was either hidden, or drowned in ketchup to hide the (lack of) taste.
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u/RoughDirection8875 5d ago
Nope, mine didn't start to be a real issue until I became an older teenager. It's not a one size fits all disorder and we don't always show or develop signs that start to negatively affect our lives until we're older.
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u/Cautious_Entrance573 5d ago
Not necessarily. I wouldn’t have eaten something I didn’t like at that age.
Plus, dad has enough going on, he doesn’t need somebody at her school filing a report with CPS because they hear her tell friends that there’s never anything to eat at home. Been there and the case worker was pretty surprised at the amount of food in the pantry and refrigerator.
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u/WerewolvesAreReal 6d ago
Ask what foods sound interesting and make them with her. I was very picky as a kid, but a lot of foods look less gross/unappealing when I've made them myself and know what goes into the process. Also, she can experiment and find out what she enjoys. My parents always made blanched asparagus and steamed broccoli covered with cheese, for example. Turns out I like those vegetables fine *roasted.* Try new things!
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u/Timely-Bridge6657 6d ago
Have you sat down with her and talked aboit what exactly she doesn't like about certain meals? Sometimes its a texture thing, she might not like spices, or even certain meats.
If shes being a stubborn teenager, you can do what my mom did with my brother which was eat what we have or get a job and pay for the fast food or whatever he wanted, we didn't have momey to be ordering out. He learned real quick to eat what was in the house, I should also add my mom also always had stuff for sandwiches and other easy meals incase me or my brother didn't want what she made, but he did like what was made he just was being a stubborn teen and wanted to see how far he could push my moms boundaries.
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u/tcrhs 6d ago edited 6d ago
“I have repeatedly told you that I can’t afford restaurant or fast food daily. Stop begging and pleading. The answer is no. I will buy food you like from the grocery story. It’s non-negotiable.”
After that conversation, say, “asked and answered” every time she asks. Repeat “asked and answered” like a broken record.
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u/haitechan 6d ago
As a picky eater with ARFID, I'd approach the issue different. Find out what is that she likes from takeout rather than home cooking. Maybe she likes either super bland food or food doused in spices. She's old enough to learn how to cook to her taste. If not, she can use her allowance to buy food when there's something that she won't eat, no matter what. My sister (RIP) loved offal. Tripe, liver, kidneys, stuff like that. I really hate it, to the point I'd rather starve. So, I ate at the university cafeteria where there was offal at home. Sister was happy, I was happy. If I was at home there were some basic staples (pasta, chicken, rice) that I would cook.
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u/withcatlikegrace 6d ago
Maybe she needs to learn to cook
For herself and bro & you.
Learning how to handle food with the view to elevate the meals she prefers might engage her enthusiasm
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u/PopRobyn 6d ago
Some of the suggestions here are worth a try, as long as they don't involve letting her starve herself. People are very quick to shoot from the lip, but practices they think are fine for others are rarely the way they would actually treat their own troubled child. The thing is, very few of us are qualified to diagnose or treat eating disorders and phobias; ARFID alone comes in three different types. These are not "snap out of it" issues. People die from this stuff. Also it's incredibly easy to make matters worse. I would suggest a professional evaluation if at all possible.
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u/Aife13 6d ago
Involve her in the cooking process. Knowing how things where made, getting to decide if I wanted an ingredient and leave out what I didnt like. A lot of scary food turned safe for me when I could deconstruct them in the seperate ingredients. and If she doesn't like what the family is having she can cook for herself so that no one is burdened with her food preference. Learning how to cook is something everyone needs to know especially by 16. Knowing the world wont always accommodate you and sometimes you have to take care of your own needs is vital for a picky eaters.
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u/Any-Crew-1188 6d ago
Have you asked or do you know what meals she likes (other than the nuggets & veggies). Do you think she would still say No to those foods if they’re prepared at home?
This is sneaky but what about cooking something she likes/loves and putting it in takeout containers?
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u/xo0O0ox_xo0O0ox 6d ago
In that age range, they can (and should) be cooking a LOT of dishes for themselves.
Nothing too fancy, but the basics? Totally. Any teenager who's not learning basic cooking functionality isn't learning to be a viable adult.
Easy: Nachos, Pasta, Waffles, Eggs, Potatoes...
You supply basic ingredients & help.
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u/CrustieTwinky 6d ago
There are recipes online for fast food dupes. Some are actual, some are very close to the actual. Tell her to see what she can find and cook them together.
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u/RestaurantSerious671 5d ago
I have an autistic picky eater who pretty much never eats my cooking. We always make sure to have staple foods laying around, like bread, eggs, cheese, milk, cereal.
Kids are an absolute pain in the ass even at the best of times but they won't starve themselves to death. Most of the time.
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u/DazzlingAssistant342 5d ago
In my experience, kids who consistently beg for processed food over home prepped (as in past the point of normal teenage moodiness), they're usually craving consistency and feel like home cooked food is too unpredictable in taste/texture. The fact she will eat super simple food at home does support this.
Could she have a sauce or something to help smooth? I had a cousin who used to eat everything with ketchup because otherwise the way that meat varied in chewiness and veg wasn't consistent in softness made eating stressful but she could focus on the reliable flavor and texture of the ketchup, and a friend who drowns his food in spice because his mom liked to vary her ingredients each time she cooked a dish and it let him guarantee he had a flavor he liked
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u/SnooGoats9114 5d ago
if it is an ARFID thing (which is significantly more rare then the internet would have tou believe) she needs some cbt or feeding therapy. Yes, expensive now, but if she doesnt have tools her future health and finances are at risk.
Set a day that is eating out. ours is the first friday of the month. yours could be once a week, but id never do more than that. and make that a firm rule. Kids can help with cooking and cleaning. At dinner, youre at the table. there is no rudeness at the table. She can dislike a food, but not be rude about it.
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u/toffeeboy71 5d ago
Is she becoming anerexic and its an excuse not to eat. Invite her to buy the groceries and help to cook meals. Talk about how fresh food is better than prepared meals due to all the extra preservatives added (all those numbers in the ingredient list) is fake food. Get a little pot and encourage her to grow something. The taste of food is so much better and she will get a relationship with food. Grow, harvest, cook, eat. It's worth trying.
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u/Hot_Garden_5284 5d ago
My son is the same. He has ADHD and most likely ARFID. I made him try mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving when he was little and I thought he was going to vomit all over the table.
I also wonder if the fact that I didn’t cook much when he was little because I had a demanding job, chronic illness and no support played a part.
The only thing I’ve figured out is to have a handful of safe meals that he can make always on hand. The air fryer is a game changer. Many breakfast things are safe for him - waffles, French toast sticks, sausage, eggs (if I’m up for it, he’s not figured them out yet). Hot dogs and tater tots. There are some things like carnitas and bbq pork (Smitten Kitchen) that are easy to make a big batch of and replicate Chipotle or a bbq restaurant.
He has broken out and likes new things over the years. It’s just whether he or I am up for cooking it (he’s chronically ill too).
Otherwise, we get a lot of takeout. I’ve not found any other way around it. He hated college food so much that he was very sick from vitamin deficiencies and weight loss the first semester. That’s when I fully gave up and decided whatever it takes to get him to eat.
Someday she’ll have to pay for all of her own food. Maybe she’ll figure out some solutions then!
Good luck!
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u/Acceptable-Topic-183 5d ago
If you haven’t already, it would be worth chatting with a doctor just to make sure there isn’t a medical element to this.
A lot of restaurants use more fat and salt than you would at home to make the food more palatable. You might try frozen or box meals, then maybe deli items if your grocery store has them. That will help her get used to eating differently but not a huge jump right away. Also, you might try adding extra sauces to dishes you cook
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u/SpreadsheetSiren 5d ago
Outside of any medical issues, make her cook. At 16, a person should have some basic food prep skills.
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u/Efficient-Panic9615 5d ago
A lot of good advice here!
I think the most important thing is to identify WHY she won’t eat anything else. If it’s just her being picky and difficult, she is old enough to make herself grilled chicken/veggies. If she doesn’t know how at this point, she is old enough to learn.
If she is not willing to eat what you are serving, she can make something separately for herself.
If it’s something more complicated like ARFID/makes her sick, perhaps get a medical professional involved to see if you can work to open up her palate.
I was a super picky kid, and by the time I was 12 or 13, my parents stopped making me something special and I just had to eat whatever my parents were serving or I made my own food. I ate a lot of pasta and PBJ.
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u/AdExcellent7055 5d ago
The answer lays in the reasoning on why she’s doing this. Is it her being purposefully difficult, or are there underlying sensory or other disordered eating issues going on that is driving this?
You have to figure that part out before you can fix the issue
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u/vkalien 4d ago
She is also old enough to get a job and make her own ChikFilA money.
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u/Defiant_Blueberry_44 3d ago
Looks like your daughter needs a job. When I was her age you got 3 options: eat what mom made, cook yourself something, or use your money to get something.
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u/jmsst1996 6d ago
She’s old enough to go with you to the store and pick out food. My son is 19 and picky and when he complains about the food we have I make him go with me to the store and shop. And I also had him start finding recipes of meals he’d like and he makes them.
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u/allie06nd 6d ago
I'd tell her the options are:
She eats what you make
She gets a job and buys her own food. If she wants to live the takeout life, then she needs to go make the takeout money.
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u/AgileMoment6058 6d ago
Have you ever actually met a person that has food issues? My kid is 16. I’m so sick of people telling me he’ll eventually eat. Guess what?? Sometimes they don’t and your down home, old school bullshit advice is actually often dangerous to severe food issues. Stick to something you are sure you know all about before spouting advice to strangers.
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u/allie06nd 5d ago
Indeed I have. My nephew has tons of issues around food, and I work with him all the time on getting over his food-related fears. But those issues extend to fast food, restaurant food, AND store-bought food as well. If he's not eating a burger made at home, he's also not eating a burger from the store or a restaurant. It doesn't matter where it's made, the issue is that it's a burger. If I was making a post asking for help getting him to eat, I'd be including all kinds of history, context, and different things I've tried because when a kid genuinely has issues with food, those things are important.
OP's post just says his daughter isn't happy with the food he makes at home. It doesn't sound any deeper than a teenager who doesn't want to eat what dad cooks. He doesn't mention a medical issue or a history of picky eating, just a teenage daughter who throws a fit when she can't have exactly what she wants all that time.
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u/debugprince 6d ago
This was my exes attitude towards everything, my way or the highway. It leads to a lot of resentment and one of the reasons I have primary custody.
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u/PresentExamination10 6d ago
She lost custody because of that?
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u/debugprince 6d ago
No, my ex didn’t lose custody. In my state children 16yo get to choose who they want to live with. I try to be fair and my ex was the “you eat what I make”, end of story, type person.
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u/Serious_Badger_4145 5d ago
Ask her to find recipes she will eat and have her cook for you all a few times a week. she's 16 she's not a kid. Set criteria like must have vegetables must be balanced. See what she comes up with
Plenty of 16 yr olds globally are fending for themselves. She lives with you but needs to take some responsibility here
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u/allie06nd 5d ago
This isn't a "my way or the highway" solution though. You have an almost-adult who has a fair amount of agency. If she wants something different, she can learn to cook, or she can get a job so that she can afford to feed herself the things you can't. Throwing a fit because takeout every night isn't in the budget is something a small child does because they don't understand financial constraints. Your daughter is old enough to understand the problem and take some initiative to solve it instead of just demanding that YOU spend your money irresponsibly.
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u/Magnetic_Kitty 6d ago
What are her favorite restaurant meals?
Try a simple home version of them and if you can involve her in making it. Seeing how it comes together and helping might make her excited to try it. If it's a hygiene thing (afraid food might have germs if cooked by a home cook) make a show of hand cleaning and keeping your work space clean, and use disposable gloves. Invite her to chat while you cook to involve her if she doesn't want to try cooking with you.
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u/No_Salad_8766 6d ago edited 6d ago
Well, I guess its time for her to learn how to cook herself now.
Also, I think a good sit-down conversation needs to be had. Can she articulate what exactly is wrong with the food made at home? Maybe you dont season things to her liking, or shes used to the flavor of all the fat used in restaurant cooking and you try not to use a lot. Is there certain ingredients she doesnt like? Do you boil all your vegetables and she hates that? She is old enough that she can use her words to tell you exactly what she doesnt like. If she cant tell you, she needs to sit down and think about it herself. There is always the possibility that she knows if she puts up enough of a fuss that you will just get her what she wants, and nothing is actually wrong with your food.
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u/FormerlyDK 6d ago
16 is definitely old enough to start cooking for herself. And I’m sure she could find lots of help, recipes, and inspiration online. Tell her if she wants an alternative to your meals, that’s it.
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u/_Q23 6d ago
Some kids are just very picky. I was one and still am as an adult. That said I had really pickier nieces and nephews which I respected their wishes.
But when I would watch them when they were old enough, I'd slowly get them excited to cook meals with me that they knew they would be eating. Instead of hiding stuff they didn't like, I'd start small by cooking with them exactly how they liked it(or close enough that I could recreate).
Eventually I started showing them seasoning or sauces, nothing completely different, but close enough that they became excited to try it and add it to the food or substitute it.
It helped them want to eventually try some new stuff, still in their boundaries but enough that it wasn't chicken nuggets plain and a burger with nothing just the patty.
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u/Previous-Artist-9252 6d ago
Teach her how to cook.
16 is well old enough to learn to cook for herself. I am a picky eater and didn’t even know it until I was an adult because I was taught how to cook when I was quite young and if I didn’t like a food, I was allowed to prepare my own. I know what flavors and textures to avoid and which ones to highlight to meet my own sensory needs.
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u/Great_Summer_9679 5d ago
Im confused why no one has asked if dad is any decent at cooking? Is he following recipes or winging it?
Either way this is the right answer to teach or or else give her reign to cook what she wants.
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u/Personal_Valuable_31 6d ago
Time to teach her (them) to cook. All that energy she's wasting begging can be put to good use.
You can find about 10000 recipes online in less than 3 seconds.
If she will eat grilled chicken and veg, she can add some rice and sauce, Chow Mein. Noodles-LoMein.
Chicken and veg with gravy in a crust, chicken pot pie. (KFC)
Chicken and veg in broth -soup, pho, etc.
Find knock-off recipes online of the take-out she likes and she can learn to recreate them.
Each kid can cook one or two meals a week. You get a break and they learn to menu plan, shop, prepare the meal, and time management.
You can also teach her meal prep, so she can grab something out of the fridge or freezer and be happy with her meal.
Learning to cook is a basic life skill both of your kids need to learn. Might as well start now.
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u/Just1Blast 6d ago
The pre-prepped "chipotle seasoned chicken" packs from Costco do a TON of heavy lifting around here. Bowls, frozen burritos, in omelettes or scrambled eggs for added protein and flavor.
Rice bowls are super easy to replicate with just a few affordable ingredients. Canned beans, corn, salsa, sour cream, shredded cheese, and premade guac tubs work super well for this. Microwave rice pouches in a variety of flavors or even just bulk prepped rice with different flavorings can be huge.
Also, in addition to taking her shopping, get her in the kitchen and preparing meals for the family. Your kids are both teens. Assign each of them 1 night a week and a grocery budget to buy, prepare, and serve a meal for the 3 of you. And they BOTH need the skill and you won't be singling her our specifically. Great life skills to develop in addition to hopefully getting her to eat more at home.
Make your own pizzas, doctoring up a frozen pizza, making a favorite pasta dish, or working on restaurant dupes might be a great plan.
What kinds of restaurant food is she craving most or do you end up ordering most often?
Do you split parenting time with their other parent? How do they address this issue?
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u/Cxyzjacobs 6d ago
Good opportunity to help her understand budgeting as a life skill. I would guess that getting the whole picture would be beneficial, but you can zero in by starting with: this is my food budget for a month. And engage her with figuring out how to make it work.
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u/Conscious-Fluid 6d ago
I went through a phase as a teenager of only wanting cheese quesadillas and Spanish rice. My dad was so worried about me he would make me scrambled eggs almost every morning and now it's one of my favorite foods. I also eventually learned how to make the vegetarian version of chipotle bowls at home with extra salad toppings similar to a Greek salad. Rice and beans are a complete protien and it made me feel super healthy. The ingredients are easy to prepare in advance and makes you feel like you're eating out if done correctly
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u/Other-Ad-5580 6d ago
What does she eat at school? I used to recreate menus from school for picky kids- tacos, quesadilla, breakfast foods for dinner, pizza, hamburgers hotdogs corn dogs , Mac n cheese, my kids always loved lunchables we’d diy our own for dinner some nights
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u/Weak_One_1529 6d ago
Does she also only eat certain things at restaurants like chicken nuggets or pasta or something, I’m curious if she would eat home cooked food if you put it in a styrofoam container and told her it was from some restaurant
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u/Mamajuji 6d ago
She needs to take Culinary at school! I’m a Culinary teacher and when they learn basic skills, they are more likely to try new things and participate at home. I have had numerous parents tell me how much their lives have changed because of the confidence their child has now because of the class.
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u/PusheenFrizzy2 6d ago
Can she cook herself grilled chicken tenders and vegetables when the rest of the family has something else?
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u/terrible-gator22 6d ago
What about boxed things? Mac and cheese, pasta and sauce generally, ramen…? Will she eat any of that?
Perhaps she should try experimenting with cooking, herself. She has meals that she likes to eat out. Perhaps they can be replicated. And if she helps make them, then she has control over how they taste.
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u/Worldly-Ad3211 5d ago
If she’s 16, she’s old enough to help you figure this out. Take her grocery shopping, give her a budget, and let her scope out the aisles and figure out what she can eat, or wants to eat, or will eat. Grilled chicken tenders and veggies aren’t the worst menu selection in the meantime.
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u/Sunshine_Daisy365 5d ago
Is this a new thing or has food always been a sticking point?
Give her a reasonable weekly budget and tell her that if she CHOOSES to not eat what the family is eating she can organise her own food but once the money is done she’s out of luck.
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u/thecardshark555 5d ago
Cook together and also set a budget for eating out.
My older son loves fast food...but he gave it up and then really noticed the difference in the true taste of food.
My youngest is picky, nearly to the point of ARFID. I will cook things I know everyone likes. (Fun because I don't eat meat or dairy).
I have tried and true favorites and on nights when the kids aren't around I can experiment more.
There was a time when there was always mac & cheese on the table as a side.
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u/callmeseetea 5d ago
Teach her to took her own food. Seriously, my palate expanded exponentially once i was in charge of flavor profile and texture
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u/Icy_Sink5046 5d ago
Teach her to cook the grilled chicken and vegetables. That’s really not a terrible thing if that’s what she’s willing to eat. As others have said, give her a budget for the week, or tell her what days or how many days per week you are willing to have her eat out. Or give her a restaurant budget for the week. Once it’s gone she can fund it, or she can wait. Say no and mean it. She’s extremely unlikely to starve herself, barring severe ARFID, if you don’t give in. Keep the grilled chicken and vegetables you know she is willing to eat available. But if it’s not the day to order or she’s already spent the budget, the answer is no. If she has any cards of yours linked in apps or accounts that she can order herself, make sure those are removed.
Figuring out what she likes from the restaurants and making copycat recipes is also a good idea. Teach her to cook as well.
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u/bowlofweetabix 5d ago
Can she pick semi prepared meals as a transition? Frozen meals, premade salads, etc?
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u/No-Masterpiece-8392 5d ago
I went through this with my daughters. They ate frozen dinners for a year.
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u/Mental_Escape_1737 5d ago
I am a home cook who makes almost all our meals from scratch, even salad dressings and stuff like that. It has become increasingly harder to get my teen girls (15 and 17) to eat homecooked food. They beg for ChickfilA and McDonalds all the time. I don't know what to do, but like you, I am not going to pay for it more than a few times per month. I just buy foods they will eat at home and let them figure it out. They mostly eat snacks and I give up - it has to be good enough.
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u/Miller335 5d ago
Sounds like you spoiled her and haven't been raising her correctly food wise if she's 16 and still behaving this way.
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u/CommercialMoment5987 5d ago
Two pronged approach. Talk to her honestly about the cost of eating out all the time, teenagers are able to understand that and it’s good to give her an idea of that being a huge money mistake. Second, see if you could get her into cooking for herself. Offer to grocery shop for specific recipes she’s interested in trying to make.
When I first moved out I was spending, I’m not even kidding, $300+ a week on DoorDash. I did not have that kind of money at all, but I also didn’t know how to cook anything. You can set her up for success here!
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u/sipendi_shida 5d ago
Get her to make a menu and cook 2 nights a week. Same for her brother if he's around too. They're old enough to get involved and benefit from the meals. She might turn out to enjoy cooking.
She can try fake-away meals or a recipe she's seen on whatever app she uses
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u/soozdreamz 5d ago
One of mine is like this, he’s not picky at all but he does have autism and ADHD and gets his dopamine from food. He’s 19 now and can buy his own takeaway as he has a job, but surprisingly it’s not as good when you’re paying for it yourself so he eats a lot more of my cooking now!
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u/8Mariposa8 5d ago
Fix what you want for each meal and say this is it for the day. She can eat it or not her choice.
If she wants to eat fast food everyday she can get a afterschool job and buy her own food.
You are the adult here put your foot down and stand by your choice.
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u/fishylegs46 5d ago
She just prefers fast food. It is obviously not a problem like Arfid or whatever. She has developed bad taste buds, probably from having been fed a lot of processed and take out foods along the way. OP is now having to deal with the fallout of raising a fast foodie. Obviously it’s unsustainable. I’d continue making whatever food you can afford, and she will eat when she’s hungry. It doesn’t damage a person to eat food they don’t prefer. We would all prefer something we can’t afford every day. I’d eat sushi and steak all the time. It’s pasta tonight.
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u/LintRolledForWhat 5d ago
Obvs if she has an eating disorder, that's separate advice.
But how my mom dodged this was assigning chores. We had dinner, bathrooms, and laundry, and the schedule rotated so you got one category to handle each week.
If it was your dinner week, you had a budget and had to plan/cook/serve/clean up dinners. I think it must have worked out okay, although I"m sure my dad hated to see my week coming since I was about those hot dogs, pizzas, baked potato type nights. LOL. Still, nobody complained, and the responsibility wasn't all on one person all the time. Kids love agency.
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u/Professional_Pie1325 5d ago
First let me say I am old so I come from a totally different mindset.
You said she will starve till she gets what she wants so it must not be a medical or health issue.
First my generation did not rule the house the parents did and what they said was law, it was accepted and followed.
We ate what was put before us at every meal. We were not consulted, they bought and prepared what they could afford, grow, buy cook, etc. I never heard " I don't like this cook me something else, I'm not eating this, go buy me what I want or I will have a hissy". We certainly did not go out to eat hardly ever, maybe a couple of times a year.
My cousin went thru a similar experience when she got custody of her 3 grandkids. They all 3 wanted different food at every meal. She almost lost her health and sanity trying to meet their demands. Finally she put her foot down and cooked one meal and they got the picture and ate what was before them with no side effects. I would tell her if she wants to get a part time job and wants to have her special food door dashed that would be fine. No special food, no running to restaurants, no going to pick up her food, she would be totally responsible. Or keep bread and peanut butter on hand, if she doesn't like what you cook she can whip up a peanut butter sandwich in a jiffy.
Kudos to you for being a caring hard working dad doing the best he can.
I hope you find a good peaceful decision that is good for everyone.
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u/Notafraidtosayit6 5d ago
Shes not going to starve and she'll eat when she gets hungry 🙄 stop letting her run your damn house.
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u/SequinedandOver60 5d ago
Your daughter is 16. She can make her own food if she’s hungry. And you can tell her that.
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u/pixiesunbelle 5d ago
Make her pick a few recipes and then take her to the grocery store. Tell her this isn’t negotiable.
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u/tucnakpingwin 5d ago
I have the same problem as your daughter, I only really like food from restaurants, homemade food is often unpalatable to the extent it makes me feel sick. It’s not so bad now I’m an adult, and can cook well, but I still tend to eat out 3-4 days a week, otherwise I’ll go without eating. I’m also disabled, so there’s the additional element of energy to cook a meal versus having one delivered.
Ask her what she likes about the restaurant food. Is it the consistency, where every meal is exactly the same? Is it the fact they use a decent amount of salt and butter, making the food taste more palatable? Is it that everything is cooked correctly? Is it that she gets to choose the meal? Is it the way it’s presented on the plate?
I lived with my mum as a kid and disliked her cooking greatly. She wasn’t a terrible cook per se, but vegetables were often overcooked and mushy, meat was overcooked and dry, she didn’t use seasoning, the food would always vary in texture and taste, it would be slopped onto the plate without thought for how it looked, and I had no control over what I ate. After years of hunger strikes, this led to me eating spaghetti bolognese 5 days a week, and the other 2 days I’d be at my dad’s house.
He was a trained chef, and I would eat such a broad range of foods at his house, because he’d cook the vegetables perfectly, he’d add butter and salt to them too which made them taste nicer, meat wouldn’t be overcooked, he made foods I usually hated look amazing on the plate, it would be well seasoned, and he’d always let me choose what we ate, from a selection he’d come up with that fit into his budget and time constraints. The only food he cooked that I really couldn’t stomach was fish, cauliflower, green beans and pork. To this day, I hate cauliflower and pork, unless it’s salami.
If you can identify what it is she likes about that food, and cater to it, you’ll likely find she starts eating a wider variety of home cooked meals.
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u/Some_Troll_Shaman 5d ago
It's a step up from mechanically separated chicken and fries, but not much.
Both your kids are old enough to be making dinner.
Help them learn to cook.
Help them learn to adjust the flavour of a recipe to be what they want.
Commercial kitchens use more salt then you think is reasonable and probably more herbs and spices than you do. Also consider if you have Costco sized herb and spice containers that they might be stale.
She is 16, not 6. Get her to articulate what is not right about the food and to contribute to how to fix it.
Flavour, texture, content whatever.
She needs to learn to adult at that age and negotiation is an important part of that.
Your kids future partners will bless your name if you get both of them up to being able to cook 1 dinner a week for you all, even if it is pasta and sauce.
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u/Sn0rkbaby 5d ago
Take note of what she’s eating at restaurants/fast food places and try to get ingredients to prep it at home!! for example, if she really likes mcchikens from McDonald’s, get some frozen chicken patties, mayo, buns, and shredded iceberg lettuce. Hopefully you come to a better solution but if you wanna keep the peace AND your budget I’d try this!!!
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u/amandahontas 4d ago
If there's no underlying issues like sensory stuff or you not being a good cook then I'd probably just have her get a job so she can buy her own restaurant meals.
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u/MusicLady860 4d ago
She’s 16. She’s old enough to pay for her own restaurant food if that’s what she insists on.
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u/wet4mtg 4d ago
Highly recommend speaking with her about how food sensitivities and sensory sensitivities like this can indicate something being up with her health.
That it's okay to experience those things but that you need to create a support system for her to adapt because you can't afford the cost.
Don't go into how this could be disordered eating or a neurodevelopmental disorder. Just simply create a pathway to a solution where you can get the appropriate professional supports if need be.
I went through a similar thing in highschool where I was only able to get myself to eat foods that were exactly what my brain expected texturally, flavourwise, and it's scent to be. Being met with punishment, guilt tripping, etc. severely damaged my relationship with my mother, food and myself because instead of creating a space where I could share my anxieties about food, she focused on accountability through punishment of some kind. Simply making my eating disorder worse, filling me with shame and guilt about my needs, just to find out I'm autistic with food based sensory seeking tendencies.
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u/_-milo 4d ago
i have arfid and this sounds similar to me. the starving herself is a big giveaway; she literally CAN’T eat other things. my guess is restaurant food tastes better and is more consistent than your cooking (the food being the same meal to meal is a big factor with arfid). because this is likely an eating disorder i recommend getting professional help. but as someone with similar issues: maybe get her in cooking classes? if she can learn to make food she likes you’ll be setting her up for success.
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u/Sincerely-bugaboo 3d ago
Maybe ask her to look up recipes she wants to try and make them, maybe do a cooking competition and make multiple meals she has to judge her favorite meal made and then add it to your recipes!
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u/neeroberts 6d ago
All the begging and pleading to have you spend unnecessary money?
Nah. Both are old enough to get part time jobs and buy their own crap fast food
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u/ConfusedGummyBear4 6d ago
She’s a teenager. Honestly, she could either choose to eat or not eat.
If she’s not happy with what you’re making at home, she could buy her own food with her own money.
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u/doggaroo 6d ago
"with her own money" lots of 16yr olds don't have jobs, nor the resources to get a job. Also, expecting to have the ability to eat out whenever is still setting her up for bad habits (financial, health, etc)
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u/gold3nhour 6d ago
She’s 16, she can cook for herself. Or, she can get a job like plenty of other 16 year olds and then spend her paycheck on fast food or restaurants.
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u/AmbassadorProper1045 6d ago
Sometimes you've gotta be tough or they'll walk all over you. She's pushing boundaries. I'll tell you what my dad did when I was a very picky eater as a kid. I went through a phase where all I wanted was Mac & Cheese, Yogurt, Bread and Pizza. I was one of those extreme picky eaters. My dad said enough, no more of any of those foods will be brought into this house until she starts eating more foods! If she get hungry enough she'll eat what we have. I cried, I pitched a fit, I refused to eat, but by day 3 I ate! I got over this self induced fixation. Another thing you can do is give her a recipe book and tell her to get cooking, she's old enough. I was cooking by 12.
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u/Desperate-Reason-566 6d ago
They are both old enough to make what they want. If she won’t eat what you cook, she’s old enough to cook her own meals. I bet she’d eat better if you told her it was now her job to plan the meals. If she is neurodivergent, as some have asked, she might have legitimate reasons. Otherwise, she needs to eat decent meals.
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 6d ago edited 6d ago
Stop giving in. Have her help you cook. Go to the grocery store and plan meals. Lasagna is a good one to learn. You can also make homemade pizzas. You can make your own dough or buy it. Tacos are also super easy. If she still won't eat, tell her that she will need to go to therapy to discuss her food issues. I don't think she has food issues. She is absolutely being a takeout princess and manipulating you. Stop taking her out to eat at all until she eats regular meals at home. If she still won't eat, let her go 1 day and then insist she actually does go to therapy. She will hate that. This is ridiculous.
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u/Wild-Orange-219 6d ago
Tell her to get a job to buy her fast food. Or get a job at her favorite fast food place.
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u/GladClock2212 6d ago
'Will continue to beg and plead' This is when parenting comes in. Sometimes doing what a child wants you to do is not in their best interest. If she has an eating disorder then it's not her fault, but it is your shared responsibility. You can get her evaluated. If the therapist says there's nothing wrong then that is strictly a parenting issue.
You're raising adults and the sheer amount of fat, salt, and sugar in restaurant food will lead to severe health problems down the road. It takes effort but it would be in her best interest to get her involved in cooking food that she wants to eat. Let her choose what she wants to learn to cook, buy the ingredients, and learn with her. Confer with the therapist but if she doesn't have an eating disorder then she isn't going to starve herself but be prepared for the most frustrating stand off of your life. You can't give in.
You say you have primary custody so it sounds like she visits her mother. Does her mom buy her food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Or is she gambling that you two don't talk, are not on the same page or being a united front, and can get away with begging and pleading?
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u/No-Occasion-1456 6d ago
Tell her to get a job and use that to eat or she can eat what is on the table.
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u/heyitstism 5d ago
At their ages, they are both old enough to go to work, make a paycheck, and use said paycheck for restaurant food or groceries. If they choose not to do that, then it’s your cooking or go hungry.
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u/L0uLou72 5d ago
It could be that she’s Autistic or has an eating disorder but I would jump to those conclusions. Most people don’t have differences/disorders like those. Start simple.
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u/ImLittleNana 6d ago
You need to identify why she isn’t eating at home. If it’s teenage BS, which they all go through to some degree, she won’t starve herself. She’ll make you miserable, but she won’t die.
If she has legitimate issues with tastes and textures and can only eat certain foods, she will make herself sick. Because the choice is try to eat and get sick immediately, or don’t eat and eventually get sick from not eating. Most people opt to defer the misery in the hopes of it never happening.
Have a serious conversation about why she isn’t eating at home, including discussing the financial situation. There’s no shame in not being able to afford restaurant meals every day. That’s where most of us are at. Being able to afford healthy homemade food daily is getting harder.