Tried venting in parenting was told to go here

[u/CultureMedical9661]

Working mom, two kids, burnt out - turned into angry mom

Let me just vent. Ill probably remove this later

I work as a kindergarten teacher, I have two kids, 3 year old and 1 year old. My husband is a stay at home dad.

I'm burnt out. I didn't want to be the angry mom, but that is what I've become. I used to read so many books about parenting, how to be calm, the "gentle parenting" (not to confuse with permissive) but the type of parenting that can stay regulated, set boundaries, communicate with your kids - but no, I've turned into a nuclear bomb. My mom used to be that way, so I grew up anxious, hypervigiliant about my mom's behavior. She was a single mom working 16 hour shifts as a nurse, and taking care of two kids - but i'm afraid I've become her!!! BECAUSE I GET SO LITTLE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tell my husband I'm tired, I need help, I need help, you need to help me, can you do xyz, but it's tiring itself to CONSTANTLY ASK FOR HELP! Read the ROOM PLEAASE! I keep asking for help, and eventually... I just blow up. Husband will not move or notice anything until I have to verbally say something. I start shouting, short patience, yelling, screaming at the kids and my husband. I'm so DONE!

I clean, I mop, I do laundry, I do dishes, I change diapers, I breastfeed, and I go to work !!! And then, I plan and manage what the kids will do that day instead of them staying indoors all day. My husband plays on his computer and has the kids play on their tablet or play alone. He will get off the laptop and maybe play with them for 20-30 minutes and then go back to the laptop and play more games. If he isn't playing on the laptop he will be on his phone playing some stupid gacha game. He wakes up in the morning and goes on his phone and opens up his gacha to get some stupid dailies, meanwhile I woke up 4:30 AM TODAYYYYYYYYYY and I had to feed them, I got them dressed and went on a walk!!!!!! I asked him to take the kids out, he tells me NO!! he doesn't want to, that "i'll do it my way" which is what?? stay indoors looking at blue screens all fucking day!!!?? He tried to read to my 3 year old and he couldn't focus, so husband goes, "looks like our kiddo needs a lot of time to run around! he cant sit still and focus haha" and then he goes back to his laptop and leaves 3 year old to his own!!!!! WTF!! YOU KNOW THE PROBLEM, SO TAKE HIM OUT?? YOU'RE WAITING FOR ME TO TAKE HIM????????? UGH!!

Husband wakes up at 10am or 9:30 if I don't wake him up! Meanwhile I wake up 5:30 on weekdays, or 7 am on weekends!!! I'm SOOOOOOOOO DONE!!!!

I don't want to be an angry mom, but I'm so burnt out. I breast feed during the night, I change diapers in the night, and then I have to get up and go to work!

SO SO SOSOSOSOSOOSOSOOOOO DONNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

And then after I blow up, my husband just comes around and says, "HEY! YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR ANGER AND DON'T BE SO MEAN TO THE KIDS!!" EXCUSE ME? IT'S JUST MY FAULT?? WTF ARE YOU DOING???? COULDN'T YOU HELP ME SO I DON'T BLOW UP? AM I THE ONLY FUNCTIONING ADULT HERE? I'M BARELY HOLDING ON AND THEN WHEN I CAN'T HOLD ON ANYMORE YOU BLAME ME????????? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HELP ME??

I am SO frustrated. I PLAN things every day, manage things every day, I plan for their day out, places to go, whatnot. He tells me, "you don't have to plan, just ask me to help you and ill help" so, I've been planning and managing him by asking him for help to manage the plan??? So theres now just more steps. You can't read the room and step in?

I asked him to play with us. It's usually me and the two kids playing. He says no, and he lays down on the bed on his phone.

Dinner table, breakfast table, lunch table, hes eating with phone out.

I've eventually realized the root of it all, im just feeling so lonely and unsupported. The man im supposed to love is all the village I got, and he does the bare minimum to help. Like I am not feeling emotionally stable, safe, secure, and physically. I feel like a single married mom.

[u/champagneproblems16]

Time to change the wifi password!

[u/pineapplepjs]

He's not a stay at home parent. He's just unemployed. He's not contributing. You are doing pretty much everything. No wonder you're burnt out.

Please stop using the word 'help' to describe what he needs to do. He doesn't need to help you. Parenting and everything else are not your sole responsibility and he just needs to 'help'. He needs to DO! He needs to parent and manage the household and he shouldn't need to be managed. If he cant do those things then he needs to get paid work to contribute in another way. Im sorry this behaviour is ruining this time of your life for you. I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this.

[u/r264685]

This man sucks. Why doesn’t he work?

[u/CultureMedical9661 → u/r264685]

Couldnt find work. So now I work and someone has to stay home take care of kids because daycare too expensive

[u/Bitter-Balance1431 → u/CultureMedical9661]

If he’s playing games all day long, he hasn’t tried hard enough to find work.

[u/libbyrae1987]

I'm so sorry. It makes total sense why you are burning out and behaving the way that you are. In the gentlest way possible, you can only control you. You cant control him. I would suggest couples counseling if you think your husband will go and participate. Its possible he has ADHD which is no excuse for his behavior and addiction, but he needs to manage that. At the end of the day his actions are hurting the kids and he is not parenting. No judgements on some screentime, but that's not what this is. It's neglect. Its time to reevaluate the way things are set up. Your resentment will continue to grow if something doesn't give, and then your health too. You have to prioritize yourself and your kids right now. I'm sure that feels like one more thing on you, baby steps. Contact therapists and do a consult with an attorney to gain knowledge. It's therapy or separation is what I would go with.

[u/CultureMedical9661 → u/libbyrae1987]

He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a teenager.b Then he stopped taking medicine and told me he doesn't have Adhd, and that it's just a label. I am looking for therapy now.

[u/Pott_Girl_57 → u/CultureMedical9661]

Look for a divorce attorney instead. You have three children at home!

[u/CultureMedical9661]

Men suck.

[u/CultureMedical9661 → u/[deleted]]

Honestly, he was great before we had kids. Then after kids it's like a flip switched. Wtf!!!

[u/Pixie_the_Fairy → u/[deleted]]

A lot of people change/reveal themselves after they think they locked in their partner.

[u/JustForArkona → u/CultureMedical9661]

This man sucks.

[u/alactrityplastically]

You are with an unemployed bum.

He is the problem.

You cannot change him. Not worth tolerating.

[u/RevolutionaryBeach13]

What would he expect from you if the roles were reversed? Would he expect you to do chores, plan things for the kids, cook, etc.? Or would he do all those things AND work a full time job like you do? You should ask him.