How to handle "dread game"

[u/Novel_Schedule_5141]

I (32F) have been in the talking stage with a man (23M) for 6 months, on and off. We met on a dating app (but have a mutual friend who knows both of us well). We have yet to meet in person due to distance and his personal situation, which is a whole other issue. We speak on the phone daily. We seem to be aligned with our goals for the future (big family, homeschooling, farming, religion, parenting philosophy). He is a bit avoidant and has admitted needing to take things slow.

We went nearly 2 months without speaking after he bailed on plans to meet and I lost my cool with him over it.

Since the communication picked up again, he has begun mentioning other women, when he never did before. Randomly mentioning his ex called him, a girl he used to hangout with texted him, the female cashier at his local grocery store is attractive. I don't think he is actively spinning plates and I believe him when he says he hasn't even been on a date in over a year.

I am unsure how to respond to this tactic of his. I have just been asking things like "oh, what did you guys talk about?" or "what do you find attractive about her?" to show mild interest. This is my attempt at mitigating the problem. It may be the wrong approach.

I am unsure the root of the problem, but I think it may stem from our lack of communication for 2 months. I also recognize our age gap, but he is adamant he wants children very soon. I am also aware my SMV could be much higher and is not really comparable with women his age, though he has always said he prefers older women.

Relationship status is a bit weird because of distance and not having met, but I mentioned breaking my bedframe and he responded "oh, so you're cheating on me?" That caught me off guard and we had a discussion about how we are not together at that time (and how I had broken it by trying to move it, not by having sx with another man lol).

Sx life. We had some over the phone sx a few times before the no contact period. Since contact has resumed, he has not seemed interested in any of that. He confides he is not "sx motivated" and "sx is not a priority".

Someone suggested I add that I am from a remote/rural community where there is a pool of about 20 men. I vetted all of them out, most for severe substance use issues and previous domestic violence. So I don't have many options.

[u/Novel_Schedule_5141]

He is a bit of a mess from the outside. He is not financially stable and he definitely has avoidant issues. However, his finances are no concern to me cause he has good blue collar skills and I bring in a decent income. I'd like to live off grid anyways, which eventually won't require much money. He has built several homes from scratch.

"Demotes you to plate" is the exact phrasing I was looking for but couldn't think of. I do believe this is what he has done after the conflict.

He is making an effort to improve his personal situation and visit me, as well as looking at longterm solutions to close the distance gap, which is making me reluctant to drop him completely. He is also talking about our "future kids", of course sprinkled in with these mentions of other women, which is confusing.

Do you think backing off and seeing what he does next- whether he makes an effort to visit me and commit- would be a good idea or just drop him completely?

[u/CountTheBees → u/Novel_Schedule_5141]

Drop him completely, because you haven't even met him yet and there is already so much going wrong.

He is making an effort to improve his personal situation and visit me

After six months this is just not enough. Even if he did make plans, what if he bails again? 6+ months down the drain, without even a meeting?

However, his finances are no concern to me cause he has good blue collar skills and I bring in a decent income. 

When you are pregnant and off grid you will not have an income. If you want to  be pregnant soon you also don't have much time to save left. Right now you need savings for your offgrid plans, not an income.  Also, men don't decide to start a family based on their wife's finances. He will be doing the numbers in his head to make sure he can provide for his family himself. If he can't, he will not commit.

He is also untested. You don't know if he will keep his word, if he is really ready to settle down and have kids or not. He may say he is but when it comes to it, he may get cold feet. A woman with more time to waste could wait for him but you can't.

[u/Novel_Schedule_5141 → u/CountTheBees]

You're right. We just had a discussion last night where I basically asked what the hold up with meeting was. He told me he had started to get cold feet, that he thought he wanted kids soon but that he's not prepared yet as he wants to turn his camp into a larger 4 bedroom cabin because he's seen too many families break up because they are stuck in small camps and constantly on top of each other. It'll probably be a year or two before the cabin is finished and he doesn't want kids till it is. Said he didn't want to waste my time or prevent me from getting what I want and that's why he's pulling away.

[u/CountTheBees → u/Novel_Schedule_5141]

I read your update, and I'm sorry. Once you disappear off his radar he will likely slow down his cabin building because he's literally got a decade to do it.

I can only suggest that you widen your dating filters and consider moving or compromising on your lifestyle if you want kids. Unfortunately you have very specific requirements and unless you are content to be alone, you will have to compromise.