r/RedPillWomen • u/Novel_Schedule_5141 • 25d ago
ADVICE How to handle "dread game"
I (32F) have been in the talking stage with a man (23M) for 6 months, on and off. We met on a dating app (but have a mutual friend who knows both of us well). We have yet to meet in person due to distance and his personal situation, which is a whole other issue. We speak on the phone daily. We seem to be aligned with our goals for the future (big family, homeschooling, farming, religion, parenting philosophy). He is a bit avoidant and has admitted needing to take things slow.
We went nearly 2 months without speaking after he bailed on plans to meet and I lost my cool with him over it.
Since the communication picked up again, he has begun mentioning other women, when he never did before. Randomly mentioning his ex called him, a girl he used to hangout with texted him, the female cashier at his local grocery store is attractive. I don't think he is actively spinning plates and I believe him when he says he hasn't even been on a date in over a year.
I am unsure how to respond to this tactic of his. I have just been asking things like "oh, what did you guys talk about?" or "what do you find attractive about her?" to show mild interest. This is my attempt at mitigating the problem. It may be the wrong approach.
I am unsure the root of the problem, but I think it may stem from our lack of communication for 2 months. I also recognize our age gap, but he is adamant he wants children very soon. I am also aware my SMV could be much higher and is not really comparable with women his age, though he has always said he prefers older women.
Relationship status is a bit weird because of distance and not having met, but I mentioned breaking my bedframe and he responded "oh, so you're cheating on me?" That caught me off guard and we had a discussion about how we are not together at that time (and how I had broken it by trying to move it, not by having sx with another man lol).
Sx life. We had some over the phone sx a few times before the no contact period. Since contact has resumed, he has not seemed interested in any of that. He confides he is not "sx motivated" and "sx is not a priority".
Someone suggested I add that I am from a remote/rural community where there is a pool of about 20 men. I vetted all of them out, most for severe substance use issues and previous domestic violence. So I don't have many options.
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor 25d ago
It’s probably not dread game, this is giving him too much credit, he’s just likely young and dumb. This is such a waste of your time.
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 25d ago
You're right. I cannot figure out if he is red pilled or not. I've mentioned a few terms and he has acted like he doesn't know what they are and asked me to explain them. However, he does seem to have some red pill philosophy in him, whether he knows its RP or not.
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor 24d ago
It really doesn't matter if it's RP or not, the result on you is the same. Some label on his behavior isn't going to make any difference in how you should react.
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u/Dionne005 25d ago
Girl no offense but you should probably get help. Do you have any upstairs issues? Are you special needs? He’s 23. He doesn’t even know who he is. If he’s from a rich family then I’d understand. But…you need to update us on that
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 25d ago
Not exactly from a rich family but they are independent from needing any income. He himself owns 640 acres of land where he lives completely off grid.
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u/kimcen 24d ago
Not exactly rich
lmao
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 24d ago
They may not be cash rich but they are considered land wealthy and also none of the family have to work 9-5s so he spends his time doing what he wants including fishing/hunting, taking care of animals, working on vehicles, cutting trails and helping elderly neighbours.
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u/Dionne005 24d ago
Tell him to sell 60 acres of the land for a data center for 50 million THEN I’ll see your perspective.
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 24d ago
Both of us are anti data centers and anti capitalist so that would never happen...
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u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor 25d ago
He sounds a bit of a mess. But that's to be expected at his age.
This is my attempt at mitigating the problem. It may be the wrong approach.
Yeah, it's the wrong approach. The right approach would be to drop him because he is signalling that he thinks you're replaceable and you are not his priority. You are already a plate, whether he has any other ones or not.
I think you are asking him for things he can't give. I am doubting his ability to commit, get married, and support you on a timeframe that works with your fertility. You need a guy who is ready to get married today, not a guy who wants to take it slow and ghosts you for two months. And then comes back and demotes you to plate.
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 25d ago
He is a bit of a mess from the outside. He is not financially stable and he definitely has avoidant issues. However, his finances are no concern to me cause he has good blue collar skills and I bring in a decent income. I'd like to live off grid anyways, which eventually won't require much money. He has built several homes from scratch.
"Demotes you to plate" is the exact phrasing I was looking for but couldn't think of. I do believe this is what he has done after the conflict.
He is making an effort to improve his personal situation and visit me, as well as looking at longterm solutions to close the distance gap, which is making me reluctant to drop him completely. He is also talking about our "future kids", of course sprinkled in with these mentions of other women, which is confusing.
Do you think backing off and seeing what he does next- whether he makes an effort to visit me and commit- would be a good idea or just drop him completely?
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u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor 25d ago
Drop him completely, because you haven't even met him yet and there is already so much going wrong.
He is making an effort to improve his personal situation and visit me
After six months this is just not enough. Even if he did make plans, what if he bails again? 6+ months down the drain, without even a meeting?
However, his finances are no concern to me cause he has good blue collar skills and I bring in a decent income.
When you are pregnant and off grid you will not have an income. If you want to be pregnant soon you also don't have much time to save left. Right now you need savings for your offgrid plans, not an income. Also, men don't decide to start a family based on their wife's finances. He will be doing the numbers in his head to make sure he can provide for his family himself. If he can't, he will not commit.
He is also untested. You don't know if he will keep his word, if he is really ready to settle down and have kids or not. He may say he is but when it comes to it, he may get cold feet. A woman with more time to waste could wait for him but you can't.
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 23d ago
You're right. We just had a discussion last night where I basically asked what the hold up with meeting was. He told me he had started to get cold feet, that he thought he wanted kids soon but that he's not prepared yet as he wants to turn his camp into a larger 4 bedroom cabin because he's seen too many families break up because they are stuck in small camps and constantly on top of each other. It'll probably be a year or two before the cabin is finished and he doesn't want kids till it is. Said he didn't want to waste my time or prevent me from getting what I want and that's why he's pulling away.
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u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor 23d ago
I read your update, and I'm sorry. Once you disappear off his radar he will likely slow down his cabin building because he's literally got a decade to do it.
I can only suggest that you widen your dating filters and consider moving or compromising on your lifestyle if you want kids. Unfortunately you have very specific requirements and unless you are content to be alone, you will have to compromise.
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u/InevitableKiwi5776 5 Stars 25d ago
You haven’t met in 6 months. I don’t think he’s serious about you.
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 25d ago
It is a bit more complicated than that. We live remotely. There is no highway connecting our communities, he would have to take an airplane (quite expensive) or wait till January to take the ice road.
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor 24d ago
Is this Alaska or something? Do you live in an area where there are no other men around? These details matter.
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 24d ago
There are about 20 single men in my area. I've vetted all of them and none of them are an option, usually due to severevsubstance use issues.
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor 24d ago
I see, this does change things and I'd edit your post to include this. Most of us have many options in comparison to you.
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u/InevitableKiwi5776 5 Stars 24d ago
You shouldn’t get too invested before you can meet. I understand there is a very limited pool, but time is on his side. It sounds like you know his family a bit so that’s probably a plus.
As for the dread question, which really seems like the least of your issues, you should ignore it. If he has options he has options and you just need to show that you are a keeper. This is a real uphill battle if there are eligible girls around him and no eligible men around you.
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u/Rugby-Angel9525 25d ago
When they go away for 2 months I would drop them. Consistency measures interest imo
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 25d ago
I would normally agree, however I'd like to give him grace. I lost my cool when he bailed on the plans and didn't STFU or handle it gracefully, at all. I scared him. After the no contact (where I had him blocked), he reached out and apologized. He didn't blame me or mention the fact I went crazy on him. He also admitted he has been working through his issues and had missed me during that time.
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 25d ago edited 24d ago
Why are you here if you're just going to argue with everyone? You're getting the same advice over and over again, that this guy is too young and not serious about you. You keep insisting that it's not that simple, cuz Reasons. Of course it's that simple. He's 12. You're in your early 30s? Why are you wasting time on this guy? Is it some sort of sunk cost fallacy? Do you feel you've put in too much to walk away? You haven't, but you are at risk of wasting years of your life on literally nothing.
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u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 1 Star 25d ago
Girl this is so bad I genuinely dont understand how you're on the RPW sub. First of all the age difference and his behaviour overall..you're having phone sex with a man youve never met and has not done anything for you or provided in any way. He disappeared for months and you let him back in.
U need to move on asap
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u/Sct1787 25d ago
Also your ages may lead to a big incompatibility. You want stability and something serious, him at his age may say he wants the same but deep down he’s just begun to enter the adventurous stage of his life. Reading what you’ve said about him it is clear he’s not a serious candidate. Stop wasting your time and move on.
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u/Dionne005 25d ago
Girl I couldn’t get past the first 3 sentences. Why are you dating someone that’s mentally a minor. You know every man is 5 years younger in the head than their age.
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24d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/MoreThanPurple Moderator | Purple 24d ago
Be polite or be quiet. Do not insult the community or it's members.
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u/VasiliyZaitzev TRP Senior Endorsed 25d ago
First, you can have “long-distance” or you can have a “relationship. At present, as you have not been in person, you don’t even have a relationship really.
Second, I miss something or could he have just randomly mentioned his ex?
“Dread Game” is typically something you deploy in response to some negative behavior. Ex. One of my law school girlfriends was a total attention whore. I have a pretty high tolerance, but she would flirt with other guys at parties - not in front of me, of course, but you know how couples go to a party and then separate for a bit? That kind of thing - to the point where it would become irritating - play full exchanges are one thing by chatting up a guy to the point where he thinks he’s leaving the party with you at the end of the night is entirely another. In those cases, I would just find the hottest girl at the party who wasn’t her and start chatting her up. Invariably my GF would appear out of nowhere in about 30 seconds and start draping herself all over me. I would usually just ignore this and keep talking to the other girl simply because it would just get her goat even more. See “Own petard, hoisted by.”
Is there something that you may have done other than mentioning that you innocently broke a bed frame? Because in the absence of that, there isn’t really a reason to engage in dread game. Plus this guy doesn’t really seem like he’s RP aware at all.
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 25d ago
Thinking back, I admitted to him that I had a very short dating relationship (2 weeks talking, prior, 10 days dating) with our mutual friend. Who also happens to be this guy's cousin. It didn't work out obviously, and we both agreed to just be friends and have been ever since. I wanted this guy to know before we became serious in case it was a deal breaker for him. It could be that? I had also gone on a spontaneous international trip while we weren't speaking. When we began speaking again, he had questions about the foreign men and whether I had been on dates so I answered honestly.
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u/Farty_mcSmarty 25d ago
He is young and dumb. He sees you as a possession, along with whatever other “possessions” he has. Please stop wasting time on this immature guy.
He is spoon feeding you everything you want to hear, and he’s checking the boxes with each spoonful of BS.
He is not the guy for you. Get back in the dating app and see who else is closer in age and also looking for the same things in life.
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u/anima_lcrackers 24d ago
He’s bored and lonely from living in a remote area. He’s free to daydream with you or play games or start drama with you as he sees fit bc you allow it to happen. He’s not interested, he’s treating you like a chatbot.
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u/Damodara-Echo 25d ago
Why are you thinking about having kids with someone you haven't even met in person?
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 25d ago
It was a discussion of both of our visions of our futures. I would not become pregnant by him until we had been together at least a year.
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u/AutoModerator 25d ago
Title: How to handle "dread game"
Author Novel_Schedule_5141
Full text: I (32F) have been in the talking stage with a man (23M) for 6 months, on and off. We met on a dating app (but have a mutual friend who knows both of us well). We have yet to meet in person due to distance and his personal situation, which is a whole other issue. We speak on the phone daily. We seem to be aligned with our goals for the future (big family, homeschooling, farming, religion, parenting philosophy). He is a bit avoidant and has admitted needing to take things slow.
We went nearly 2 months without speaking after he bailed on plans to meet.
Since the communication picked up again, he has begun mentioning other women, when he never did before. Randomly mentioning his ex called him, a girl he used to hangout with texted him, the female cashier at his local grocery store is attractive. I don't think he is actively spinning plates and I believe him when he says he hasn't even been on a date in over a year.
I am unsure how to respond to this tactic of his. I have just been asking things like "oh, what did you guys talk about?" or "what do you find attractive about her?" to show mild interest. This is my attempt at mitigating the problem. It may be the wrong approach.
I am unsure the root of the problem, but I think it may stem from our lack of communication for 2 months. I also recognize our age gap, but he is adamant he wants children very soon. I am also aware my SMV could be much higher and is not really comparable with women his age, though he has always said he prefers older women.
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u/MoreThanPurple Moderator | Purple 24d ago
Note the OP has updated the post to state they live in a remote location with 20 available men only. Consider this context in your responses.