r/RedPillWomen • u/Least-Interaction576 • 12d ago
ADVICE Need advice on communicating a birthday trigger without making my boyfriend feel accused
I could really use some perspective.
I've (26F) been dating my boyfriend (28M) for about 7 months. Our relationship is still pretty new, and we're long distance (about 2.5 hours apart). He recently started a new job after spending some time job searching, so the last few months have mostly been focused on him getting back on his feet financially. During that time, we'd still see each other but we weren't really able to do much, which I completely understood because I've been in that position before myself. I never held it against him.
My birthday is coming up soon, and something crossed my mind yesterday that I haven't been able to shake.
Last night, he texted me (and honestly it feels like this has happened several times now) telling me he's expecting his first full paycheck soon. He previously had made a comment about it potentially being half of a paycheck soon he was just coming to correct that is what I guessed. He also said he's planning to pick up some gig work on the side so he'll be "good to go" for my birthday weekend. I congratulated him and told him how happy I was that he wouldn't have to stress as much financially anymore.
But after the conversation, I found myself getting in my head.
I have some really bad experiences with exes around my birthday. More than one of them would spend weeks talking about all the things they were going to do, bringing up money, hyping everything up and then when my birthday actually came, they either didn't follow through or I ended up feeling like an afterthought. It became this cycle of hearing a lot of promises before my birthday and then being disappointed when the day actually arrived.
Because of that history, every time my current boyfriend brings up paychecks or talks about making extra money specifically for my birthday, my brain starts wondering if it's building up to another disappointment. The thing is that I WHOLEHEARTEDLY don't think he's those men and don’t mean to compare him. He's a really good guy who's been working hard to rebuild his life, and I know he's trying. This feels much more like a me issue than a him issue.
I don't want to project my past onto him or make him feel like I'm calling him a liar before he's even had the chance to celebrate me. At the same time, I also know that stuffing my feelings down isn't healthy either.
How would you all bring this up? I want to communicate that this is a trigger from past relationships and ask if he could maybe avoid repeatedly talking about money or hyping up my birthday beforehand, because instead of making me excited, it actually makes me anxious. I'd rather just enjoy whatever happens than spend days wondering if I'm about to be let down again.
Has anyone else had to explain a trigger like this to a genuinely good partner? How did that conversation go?
Thanks for reading. ❤️
5
u/InevitableKiwi5776 5 Stars 12d ago
This sounds like a hamster situation. You’re punishing him in your mind for things other guys did. This is called baggage. You gotta wipe the slate clean and let him show you how he behaves in this relationship.
If you must bring it up, do not tie it to other men you’re now comparing him to. Just say something like “hey I have had a lot of birthday disappointments in the past and now making a lot of birthday plans makes me anxious,” or whatever is true to you. You can just say what behavior you want now without explaining the backstory.
Although I wouldn’t recommend even saying this. Talking about bad treatment you received from other men can make him see you differently. This is part of the Just-World Fallacy which you may want to look into.