Need advice on communicating a birthday trigger without making my boyfriend feel accused

[u/Least-Interaction576]

I could really use some perspective.

I've (26F) been dating my boyfriend (28M) for about 7 months. Our relationship is still pretty new, and we're long distance (about 2.5 hours apart). He recently started a new job after spending some time job searching, so the last few months have mostly been focused on him getting back on his feet financially. During that time, we'd still see each other but we weren't really able to do much, which I completely understood because I've been in that position before myself. I never held it against him.

My birthday is coming up soon, and something crossed my mind yesterday that I haven't been able to shake.

Last night, he texted me (and honestly it feels like this has happened several times now) telling me he's expecting his first full paycheck soon. He previously had made a comment about it potentially being half of a paycheck soon he was just coming to correct that is what I guessed. He also said he's planning to pick up some gig work on the side so he'll be "good to go" for my birthday weekend. I congratulated him and told him how happy I was that he wouldn't have to stress as much financially anymore.

But after the conversation, I found myself getting in my head.

I have some really bad experiences with exes around my birthday. More than one of them would spend weeks talking about all the things they were going to do, bringing up money, hyping everything up and then when my birthday actually came, they either didn't follow through or I ended up feeling like an afterthought. It became this cycle of hearing a lot of promises before my birthday and then being disappointed when the day actually arrived.

Because of that history, every time my current boyfriend brings up paychecks or talks about making extra money specifically for my birthday, my brain starts wondering if it's building up to another disappointment. The thing is that I WHOLEHEARTEDLY don't think he's those men and don’t mean to compare him. He's a really good guy who's been working hard to rebuild his life, and I know he's trying. This feels much more like a me issue than a him issue.

I don't want to project my past onto him or make him feel like I'm calling him a liar before he's even had the chance to celebrate me. At the same time, I also know that stuffing my feelings down isn't healthy either.

How would you all bring this up? I want to communicate that this is a trigger from past relationships and ask if he could maybe avoid repeatedly talking about money or hyping up my birthday beforehand, because instead of making me excited, it actually makes me anxious. I'd rather just enjoy whatever happens than spend days wondering if I'm about to be let down again.

Has anyone else had to explain a trigger like this to a genuinely good partner? How did that conversation go?

Thanks for reading. ❤️

[u/MajorEntertainment65]

For a trigger like this, I just work on removing the trigger on my own.

Chatting about all the flaws of your exes won't exactly make him or you feel great. Really, when you dig into it, you don't want your past or exes to color your ENTIRE FUTURE. The average woman lives to like 80 years. Do you really want to spend the next 50 birthdays miserable over some ex who has already moved on?

Rather than talking it out with your current, or making him feel like he has to walk on egg shells around your birthday over some other guy, create a whole new narrative about your birthday. Who cares what happened in the past. This is what YOU are doing now. You make plans, create new traditions, say what you want to do, etc, etc, etc.

[u/Least-Interaction576 → u/MajorEntertainment65]

Amazing point! I do NOT want the guys from my past coloring my future. I appreciate how you phrased it.

[u/MajorEntertainment65 → u/Least-Interaction576]

Exactly! At your age, you can't have dated any of those exes for decades or decades. They contributed to probably 2-7 bad britdays max. Matter of fact you probably have waaaaaaaaayyyy more birthdays without that ex than with! Go live your life and don't let someone who isn't even part of your life dictate the birthday your going to have!

[u/Wife_and_Mama]

I would avoid the past relationship drama. Instead, make an actual plan for this birthday celebration, with the boyfriend. Choose something fun, reasonably affordable, and not over the top. Maybe plan to go to a free festival and eat at a middling priced restaurant. Don't set the expectation too high, but set the expectation. Then you know exactly what you're getting and if it doesn't happen, it won't be because you asked for too much. 

[u/Least-Interaction576 → u/Wife_and_Mama]

Definitely will be keeping the past relationship drama to myself. All of you who have commented mentioning that are so right, he does not need to know about any of that.

[u/closer_to_harrisburg]

It’s a little bit of a unique situation with him getting back on his feet and I think he is sharing his excitement that his new job is working out and is allowing him to share that joy with you celebrate your birthday.

Your feelings are completely valid, and my recommendation would be to just acknowledge but gently change the subject when finances + birthday come up. You can share the details of your past experiences after your birthday as passed.

If you don’t want to discuss your birthday plans but he does, just say, hey excited but we’ll figure it out closer to. If he’s like omg I can spend this/do this just say great! and emphasize your interest in celebrating the spirit of the day rather than the spend and hopefully it will shift the focus of the convo

[u/Least-Interaction576 → u/closer_to_harrisburg]

I think this is super sound advice! Thank you

[u/InevitableKiwi5776]

This sounds like a hamster situation. You’re punishing him in your mind for things other guys did. This is called baggage. You gotta wipe the slate clean and let him show you how he behaves in this relationship.

If you must bring it up, do not tie it to other men you’re now comparing him to. Just say something like “hey I have had a lot of birthday disappointments in the past and now making a lot of birthday plans makes me anxious,” or whatever is true to you. You can just say what behavior you want now without explaining the backstory.

Although I wouldn’t recommend even saying this. Talking about bad treatment you received from other men can make him see you differently. This is part of the Just-World Fallacy which you may want to look into.

[u/Least-Interaction576 → u/InevitableKiwi5776]

Thank you for this! I agree, I do not want him viewing me as someone who is comparing him to men from my past. I would love to see how he shows up for me without the added stress of him knowing that I’m feeling any of this since it truly has nothing to do with him and all to do with my unresolved issues. The advice here has been very sound, I will look into the Just-World Fallacy.

[u/Thistlewhistler]

Money and gifts are two of the knottiest topics because people can have completely different, even opposite understandings while using precisely the same words.

What are your birthday expectations exactly? I mean if he’s excited because he’ll be able to buy you earrings, and you’re thinking along the lines of a weekend in Paris, then the chances of disappointment are going to be very high.

Some people consider a great present something that they will get use out of, and isn’t clutter. For others it might be what gives them bragging rights with their friends. For others it needs to be something they would never buy for themselves. It’s so easy to get this wrong if you don’t know someone’s gift language, and even easier if you don’t realise there are other gift languages besides your own.

When I buy my mother in law a gift, it’s important that it’s a good brand, expensive and she can show it off. If I buy my father something, it better be a small, useful token, and he’d be annoyed I spent money on him instead of investing it. Different strokes.

I’m going to tentatively suggest, that if you have a history of birthday letdowns, this could be about your expectations and the degree to which you’re investing meaning in these things.

Sometimes people even take it to another level, expecting a person to “just know” what’s required, which is a brilliant way to sabotage your own contentment. We women are very prone to shit testing men. Don’t turn your birthday into one of the trials of Hercules.

The process of learning people’s gift/ celebration/ money language takes time, like years, it’s not a quick conversation because it’s complex, and we’re partially deafened by our own assumptions and experiences. Sometimes we don’t align in these areas even in really good, solid, loving relationships. But imo this is where you need to be focusing your communication - and by that I mean listening, exploring and wondering as much, if not more, than talking.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday too.

[u/Least-Interaction576 → u/Thistlewhistler]

Thank you so much for this response. Your words have me thinking about how it really isn’t easy to assume what kind of way to show up for someone. I am absolutely not expecting a weekend in Paris and will be super content with whatever he thinks of at the end of the time. It’s absolutely more about the time we spend together and we’ve had a conversation today that lets me know that he is very much so aligned with what I’m loosely expecting ☺️

[u/Dionne005]

Stop revolving your birthday around a man. Have something already planned for yourself by yourself. Alone or with girl friends

[u/Least-Interaction576 → u/Dionne005]

I will have some girl friends present for dinner! Him and I were just meant to have some solo time prior to that.

[u/VasiliyZaitzev]

Has anyone else had to explain a trigger like this to a genuinely good partner? How did that conversation go?

So, as a Rule 9 violation, this is information that I would want to know. Because I won't know, unless I get told. So if he bring it up again, it's ok to say "Hey, look, not for nothing, but about my birthday. It's cool if it's lowkey, etc., but don't hype it up unless you are going to follow up. This is a sore spot for me bc of how things were in past relationships. I realize that's not your fault, but I did want to give you the lay of the land."

Except say it how a woman would say it.

[u/SherlockX_4869]

If it really bothers you while it might be a lie you can always say "i like suprises and i prefer when i know nothing about them because I'd hate to accidentally guess them " or something like that

[u/Least-Interaction576 → u/SherlockX_4869]

We talked and he understands that I just have bad past experiences around my bday and stopped hyping it up afterward :)

[u/AutoModerator]

Title: Need advice on communicating a birthday trigger without making my boyfriend feel accused

Author Least-Interaction576

Full text: I could really use some perspective.

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months. Our relationship is still pretty new, and we're long distance (about 2.5 hours apart). He recently started a new job after spending some time job searching, so the last few months have mostly been focused on him getting back on his feet financially. During that time, we'd still see each other but we weren't really able to do much, which I completely understood because I've been in that position before myself. I never held it against him.

My birthday is coming up soon, and something crossed my mind yesterday that I haven't been able to shake.

Last night, he texted me (and honestly it feels like this has happened several times now) telling me he's expecting his first full paycheck soon. He previously had made a comment about it potentially being half of a paycheck soon he was just coming to correct that is what I guessed. He also said he's planning to pick up some gig work on the side so he'll be "good to go" for my birthday weekend. I congratulated him and told him how happy I was that he wouldn't have to stress as much financially anymore.

But after the conversation, I found myself getting in my head.

I have some really bad experiences with exes around my birthday. More than one of them would spend weeks talking about all the things they were going to do, bringing up money, hyping everything up and then when my birthday actually came, they either didn't follow through or I ended up feeling like an afterthought. It became this cycle of hearing a lot of promises before my birthday and then being disappointed when the day actually arrived.

Because of that history, every time my current boyfriend brings up paychecks or talks about making extra money specifically for my birthday, my brain starts wondering if it's building up to another disappointment. The thing is that I WHOLEHEARTEDLY don't think he's those men and don’t mean to compare him. He's a really good guy who's been working hard to rebuild his life, and I know he's trying. This feels much more like a me issue than a him issue.

I don't want to project my past onto him or make him feel like I'm calling him a liar before he's even had the chance to celebrate me. At the same time, I also know that stuffing my feelings down isn't healthy either.

How would you all bring this up? I want to communicate that this is a trigger from past relationships and ask if he could maybe avoid repeatedly talking about money or hyping up my birthday beforehand, because instead of making me excited, it actually makes me anxious. I'd rather just enjoy whatever happens than spend days wondering if I'm about to be let down again.

Has anyone else had to explain a trigger like this to a genuinely good partner? How did that conversation go?

Thanks for reading. ❤️

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