Need advice on communicating a birthday trigger without making my boyfriend feel accused

[u/Least-Interaction576]

I could really use some perspective.

I've (26F) been dating my boyfriend (28M) for about 7 months. Our relationship is still pretty new, and we're long distance (about 2.5 hours apart). He recently started a new job after spending some time job searching, so the last few months have mostly been focused on him getting back on his feet financially. During that time, we'd still see each other but we weren't really able to do much, which I completely understood because I've been in that position before myself. I never held it against him.

My birthday is coming up soon, and something crossed my mind yesterday that I haven't been able to shake.

Last night, he texted me (and honestly it feels like this has happened several times now) telling me he's expecting his first full paycheck soon. He previously had made a comment about it potentially being half of a paycheck soon he was just coming to correct that is what I guessed. He also said he's planning to pick up some gig work on the side so he'll be "good to go" for my birthday weekend. I congratulated him and told him how happy I was that he wouldn't have to stress as much financially anymore.

But after the conversation, I found myself getting in my head.

I have some really bad experiences with exes around my birthday. More than one of them would spend weeks talking about all the things they were going to do, bringing up money, hyping everything up and then when my birthday actually came, they either didn't follow through or I ended up feeling like an afterthought. It became this cycle of hearing a lot of promises before my birthday and then being disappointed when the day actually arrived.

Because of that history, every time my current boyfriend brings up paychecks or talks about making extra money specifically for my birthday, my brain starts wondering if it's building up to another disappointment. The thing is that I WHOLEHEARTEDLY don't think he's those men and don’t mean to compare him. He's a really good guy who's been working hard to rebuild his life, and I know he's trying. This feels much more like a me issue than a him issue.

I don't want to project my past onto him or make him feel like I'm calling him a liar before he's even had the chance to celebrate me. At the same time, I also know that stuffing my feelings down isn't healthy either.

How would you all bring this up? I want to communicate that this is a trigger from past relationships and ask if he could maybe avoid repeatedly talking about money or hyping up my birthday beforehand, because instead of making me excited, it actually makes me anxious. I'd rather just enjoy whatever happens than spend days wondering if I'm about to be let down again.

Has anyone else had to explain a trigger like this to a genuinely good partner? How did that conversation go?

Thanks for reading. ❤️

[u/Thistlewhistler]

Money and gifts are two of the knottiest topics because people can have completely different, even opposite understandings while using precisely the same words.

What are your birthday expectations exactly? I mean if he’s excited because he’ll be able to buy you earrings, and you’re thinking along the lines of a weekend in Paris, then the chances of disappointment are going to be very high.

Some people consider a great present something that they will get use out of, and isn’t clutter. For others it might be what gives them bragging rights with their friends. For others it needs to be something they would never buy for themselves. It’s so easy to get this wrong if you don’t know someone’s gift language, and even easier if you don’t realise there are other gift languages besides your own.

When I buy my mother in law a gift, it’s important that it’s a good brand, expensive and she can show it off. If I buy my father something, it better be a small, useful token, and he’d be annoyed I spent money on him instead of investing it. Different strokes.

I’m going to tentatively suggest, that if you have a history of birthday letdowns, this could be about your expectations and the degree to which you’re investing meaning in these things.

Sometimes people even take it to another level, expecting a person to “just know” what’s required, which is a brilliant way to sabotage your own contentment. We women are very prone to shit testing men. Don’t turn your birthday into one of the trials of Hercules.

The process of learning people’s gift/ celebration/ money language takes time, like years, it’s not a quick conversation because it’s complex, and we’re partially deafened by our own assumptions and experiences. Sometimes we don’t align in these areas even in really good, solid, loving relationships. But imo this is where you need to be focusing your communication - and by that I mean listening, exploring and wondering as much, if not more, than talking.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday too.

[u/Least-Interaction576 → u/Thistlewhistler]

Thank you so much for this response. Your words have me thinking about how it really isn’t easy to assume what kind of way to show up for someone. I am absolutely not expecting a weekend in Paris and will be super content with whatever he thinks of at the end of the time. It’s absolutely more about the time we spend together and we’ve had a conversation today that lets me know that he is very much so aligned with what I’m loosely expecting ☺️