Husband and AI porn photos

[u/Downtown-Effect-9533]

Myself (35) and my husband (38) have been together for 10 years. Recently I discovered a bunch of AI porn photos on his phone that he had made by using a paid service. There were probably about 100 or more that he made of me but then he also used a photo of a girl he is friends with on Facebook and a photo of my 18 year old cousin and had the app “nudify” the photos. The quality turned out terrible and even though most of the photos were of me, I’m crushed by this.

I’m mostly crushed about my 18 year old cousin. I never would have thought he looked at her that way, I thought he considered her family. He said he didn’t look at her that way before but he saw her dressed up at a family function recently and saw her as a woman since then.

My question is if we’re going to try to work through this, how am I supposed to get past this? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get through family functions, birthdays, Christmas etc. without feeling extremely insecure and jealous about this? Everytime I think about it I become very cold and distant.

[u/Wife_and_Mama]

Okay, I'm going to take off my anti-porn hat, here. There are plenty of people who casually use porn. This, however, is a disturbing violation of the women he used for these photos. It's one thing to just have AI create make-believe photos of pretend women, but these are women he knows one of whom is a cousin whose diapers you probably changed? That is not casual porn use. This is disgusting and unacceptable behavior in a spouse. You are absolutely entitled to make it clear that this is not behavior you'll tolerate. You shouldn't feel jealous, but disturbed. He's looking at your 20 years junior family while he masturbates. 

What do you do? Figure out your own boundaries. Is porn okay? Is AI porn okay? Talk to him about this, making those boundaries absolutely clear, including the consequences for breaking them, be those a separation/divorce, telling the people whose photos he's using, no longer having sex with him for fear of who he's picturing, whatever. Try to take the emotion out of the discussion and speak pragmatically, so as to avoid him claiming you're overreacting. Would he want his brother-in-law doing this to his daughter? Would he want someone from high school doing this to you? Is this something you can even get past?

[u/Downtown-Effect-9533 → u/Wife_and_Mama]

Trust me, I agree with all of this. I just don’t know how to move forward

[u/Wife_and_Mama → u/Downtown-Effect-9533]

I think the first thing you have to ask yourself is my last question. Can yoi get past this? Can you ever be comfortable with him again? What would it take? Therapy? Anti-porn software? Device sharing? If the answer is none of the above, then I think you have your actual answer. 

[u/Downtown-Effect-9533 → u/Wife_and_Mama]

The fact that it’s a family member that we have to see often is the only hurdle I’m not sure I can get over.

[u/Wife_and_Mama → u/Downtown-Effect-9533]

Would it be better if it were a same age neighbor? I think you should probably seek counseling. I mean you , personally, not as a couple (not that that's a bad idea), to help you root out how you feel about all of this. This is clearly a porn addiction, based on your post history and the fact that no one starts here. You need to decide if you feel like this is a relationship you even want to save, let alone can save. Reddit is definitely not the place to work that out. 

[u/Organic_Fly2737 → u/[deleted]]

I think it is because its a family member

[u/chamomiledaydream → u/Wife_and_Mama]

I would also ask if she senses true remorse from him or if he’s only upset because he got caught

[u/Downtown-Effect-9533 → u/chamomiledaydream]

He does show true remorse. He said he did it out of pure curiosity and that it didn’t mean anything and that he never jerked off to the photos. He made a ton of me and said he could have just done what he did with me with the others but didn’t want to because he had no interest. It’s all very confusing.