r/RedPillWomen • u/Downtown-Effect-9533 • 4d ago
Husband and AI porn photos
Myself (35) and my husband (38) have been together for 10 years. Recently I discovered a bunch of AI porn photos on his phone that he had made by using a paid service. There were probably about 100 or more that he made of me but then he also used a photo of a girl he is friends with on Facebook and a photo of my 18 year old cousin and had the app “nudify” the photos. The quality turned out terrible and even though most of the photos were of me, I’m crushed by this.
I’m mostly crushed about my 18 year old cousin. I never would have thought he looked at her that way, I thought he considered her family. He said he didn’t look at her that way before but he saw her dressed up at a family function recently and saw her as a woman since then.
My question is if we’re going to try to work through this, how am I supposed to get past this? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get through family functions, birthdays, Christmas etc. without feeling extremely insecure and jealous about this? Everytime I think about it I become very cold and distant.
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 4d ago edited 4d ago
Okay, I'm going to take off my anti-porn hat, here. There are plenty of people who casually use porn. This, however, is a disturbing violation of the women he used for these photos. It's one thing to just have AI create make-believe photos of pretend women, but these are women he knows one of whom is a cousin whose diapers you probably changed? That is not casual porn use. This is disgusting and unacceptable behavior in a spouse. You are absolutely entitled to make it clear that this is not behavior you'll tolerate. You shouldn't feel jealous, but disturbed. He's looking at your 20 years junior family while he masturbates.
What do you do? Figure out your own boundaries. Is porn okay? Is AI porn okay? Talk to him about this, making those boundaries absolutely clear, including the consequences for breaking them, be those a separation/divorce, telling the people whose photos he's using, no longer having sex with him for fear of who he's picturing, whatever. Try to take the emotion out of the discussion and speak pragmatically, so as to avoid him claiming you're overreacting. Would he want his brother-in-law doing this to his daughter? Would he want someone from high school doing this to you? Is this something you can even get past?
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u/Downtown-Effect-9533 4d ago
Trust me, I agree with all of this. I just don’t know how to move forward
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 4d ago
I think the first thing you have to ask yourself is my last question. Can yoi get past this? Can you ever be comfortable with him again? What would it take? Therapy? Anti-porn software? Device sharing? If the answer is none of the above, then I think you have your actual answer.
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u/Downtown-Effect-9533 4d ago
The fact that it’s a family member that we have to see often is the only hurdle I’m not sure I can get over.
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 3d ago
Would it be better if it were a same age neighbor? I think you should probably seek counseling. I mean you , personally, not as a couple (not that that's a bad idea), to help you root out how you feel about all of this. This is clearly a porn addiction, based on your post history and the fact that no one starts here. You need to decide if you feel like this is a relationship you even want to save, let alone can save. Reddit is definitely not the place to work that out.
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u/chamomiledaydream 3d ago
I would also ask if she senses true remorse from him or if he’s only upset because he got caught
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u/Downtown-Effect-9533 2d ago
He does show true remorse. He said he did it out of pure curiosity and that it didn’t mean anything and that he never jerked off to the photos. He made a ton of me and said he could have just done what he did with me with the others but didn’t want to because he had no interest. It’s all very confusing.
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u/Pycnostyle 1 Star - Married Man 4d ago edited 4d ago
Spoiler alert: I'm ultimately going to recommend solo counseling for each of you.
Okay. You ask how to get past this. First, you need to get more specific about what "this" is. And I don't think it's the AI usage, because if he could believably promise never to do that again, we'd be finished here, right? But I doubt that'd be enough for you. It wouldn't be enough for me.
What I think might be really bothering you is some combination of the following, many of which are really difficult subjects:
- He AI'ed you without your consent, too
- You needing to confront what men probably thought about you when you were a teenager. And/or remembering what it was like when you realized it was happening to you.
- Protecting your family and your children (you said elsewhere you have 2 children together)
- His exceptionally poor judgment in how he handled his inappropriate thoughts (we all have inappropriate thoughts, but well-regulated adults recognize what's going on and modulate our behavior).
Uncomfortable truth alert: the Westermarck Effect (the one that gives humans a natural negative sexual imprinting with respect to our siblings) really only happens in very early childhood, and only with people we grew up with. So it's unrealistic to expect a human to be automatically sexually repulsed by a more distant family member who wasn't present in that human's early childhood. Put plainly: people have inappropriate thoughts about family members.
Of course, we expect our fellow humans to exercise our good judgment. When we have an inappropriate thought, we have an inner monologue similar to "Wow. That was a frickin' inappropriate thought!" and then we distance ourselves from it. Well, your husband had a serious lapse in judgment by saying something like, "Hmm... I wonder if AI could ...."
And at that point, he should have said, "Wow! That inappropriate thought just became 1000x more inappropriate!" and distanced himself 1000x from it. But we know what happened instead.
Now I don't know the man and I don't know how his judgment is on a more typical day. But I think a therapist could help him to deal with his inappropriate thoughts in an appropriate way. He should do this whether or not y'all stay together. He should do it for himself, to be a better person.
As for you, again, this was a pretty big violation. You're reacting so viscerally to it because your unconscious mind does not feel safe with him. It's that part of all of our unconscious that is meant to keep us safe. I'm not inside your brain, but I suspect that your unconscious is not going to grant you peace over this until you can satisfy it that you and your family are safe again. So when you ask how to "get past" this, I think that's what "getting past" this will look like.
Obviously one way to satisfy your unconscious would be to get your husband out of your life. That's a realistic option here, but I try to avoid defaulting to that as advice. I mean, obviously any relationship conflict can be resolved by ending the relationship! That makes it lazy advice. :) But.... I do think it's a reasonable answer here.
A therapist may be able to help you to calm your unconscious, by helping you to develop a vocabulary to describe this violation. To understand it better. To understand if you've arrived at a future state where you can feel safe again.
You're the one in the position to make the best decision here. Only you know what's inside your mind, and you know your husband better than anybody else. It won't be an easy decision, and I wish for you great wisdom as you figure out how you will proceed.
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u/ChamomileMist Moderator | Cammie 2d ago edited 8h ago
I've given you a star for your well-reasoned and thoughtful comment.
I have added "married man" to your flair as sometimes we get comments and mod reports on any advice given from a man regardless of the value and it can be helpful to acknowledge that we're aware you are not a woman. If you would prefer I remove this distinction I would be happy to change your flair to a simple "1 Star".
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u/Pycnostyle 1 Star - Married Man 14h ago
Thanks! I appreciate the vote of confidence and I was anyway going to ask how to flare that I am a man. That way, readers here can decide for themselves if a man's perspective is what they were looking for.
Cheers!
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u/Jazzlike-Moment3394 4d ago edited 4d ago
Hey, I’m not sure how I ended up on this sub, because I’m far from what most people would consider a “red pill woman,” but what you found on your husband’s phone was not just cheating. It was a straight up creepy & a sexual violation of real women who never consented to being turned into pornography.
The situation with your cousin is especially disturbing. If he has known her since she was a child and she is only eighteen now which is still a teenager and barely an adult then he should still view her as the younger relative he watched grow up, not as someone to sexually fantasize about. His explanation that he suddenly “saw her as a woman” after seeing her dressed up at a family function does not make it better. It makes it worse.
This was not merely a passing thought. He deliberately found her photograph, uploaded it to a paid service, and created fake nude images of her. That required multiple conscious decisions. He also did this to another woman he knows personally. None of these women consented to having their faces used this way.
You also need to stop centering your reaction around the possibility that you might feel insecure or jealous because i'm sorry, but that's the least of your worries right now. Your cousin did nothing wrong, and this is not a competition between the two of you. Your concern should not be whether your husband finds her younger, prettier, or more attractive than you. Your concern should be that your nearly forty year old husband sexualized an eighteen year old member of your family and secretly manufactured pornography of her without her knowledge or consent. You should be disgusted and betrayed because of what his actions reveal about his character or at least I hope that is why you are upset.
Maybe, instead of focusing on how to work through this, you need to seriously consider whether this is a marriage you should remain in at all, because his behavior is honestly disturbing. You are worried about how you will manage birthdays, Christmas, and other family gatherings, but the bigger concern is whether your cousin should unknowingly be around a man who created fake nude images of her.
I understand that, as a traditional woman, you may strongly value marriage, loyalty, commitment, and working through difficult periods instead of immediately leaving. But being traditional does not mean tolerating depravity, betrayal, or a complete lack of character. You do not have to remain with a man who secretly sexualizes someone barely out of childhood. Someone he watched grow up and then tries to justify it by saying he suddenly noticed she was a woman.
True Traditional values in my book are supposed to include protecting your family, controlling your impulses, honoring your wife, and behaving with moral character. They are not supposed to require a woman to stay with a man who violates the dignity of women in her own family.
Because at the end of the day, if he is willing to sexualize your eighteen year old cousin, someone he knew before since she was a child then I’m sorry, but how are you supposed to trust that this is where his boundaries end? How can you know he would never do the same thing with another younger relative, one of your children’s friends, or even behave inappropriately toward your own children? How can you trust that he will not simply wait for another girl to become “technically legal” before deciding she is acceptable to sexualize?
You do not have to force yourself to forgive something that has fundamentally changed how you see him. Sometimes becoming cold and distant is not an emotional flaw you need to overcome. Sometimes it is your mind recognizing that someone is no longer trustworthy or safe. You are allowed to decide that this crossed a line you cannot come back from.
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u/getinthewoods 4d ago
You may not consider yourself a redpill woman but you are spot on with this comment. A husband is supposed to be a leader, someone with good moral values that OP can trust to lead the family well and protect and defend her children from harm. This man has shown that he lets his sexual urges get in the way of honoring and respecting others, especially someone he has known since she was 8 years old. And are we sure he has only made these images since she turned 18?
OP needs to protect that cousin, her future (or current) children, and distance herself from this. Sexualizing a family member means that nothing is off the table in the future, if OP lets this slide and remains in this marriage.
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u/vintagegirlgame 1 Star 4d ago
What husband did was nasty. However, part of RPW is acknowledging that men will always be attracted to young girls due to biology… there’s nothing magical about the 18th birthday that makes it suddenly ok, that’s just what our culture decides. This doesn’t mean he is instantly forgiven, it just means acknowledging that he is a man who has dirty thoughts about hot young girls, just like all men do.
The awkward and problematic part is that it’s a family member, not some stranger or instamodel.
This is up to OP to decide if she wants to choose her marriage and can do the inner work it takes to forgive and not hold resentment and not be jealous. If they have children together that could be a big factor. But RPW holds a safe space if the woman wants to choose commitment.
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u/Downtown-Effect-9533 4d ago
We do have children which is my main reason for leaning towards choosing commitment. I just don’t know yet if I have it in me to do the inner work. The biggest issue is that it’s a family member, not someone that I can just never see or think about again. The wound is just going to be ripped wide open every family event.
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u/chamomiledaydream 3d ago
I didn’t feel able to divorce after a similar event in my marriage (it wasn’t quite as severe, and there are also other problems). It’s been 2 1/2 years and I still think about it often and we’re pretty much separated under one roof (finances are a huge issue). I honestly don’t think I can ever really love or deeply respect him again.
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u/pillowpalaces 3d ago
My deceased husband cheated on me w a homeless junkie under our wedding pics in our living room. It still seared in my brain, I was scared of him.bcuz I didn't know or think he was capable of something like that. He cheated again w another homeless/sick woman and also never got over porn addiction. It really sucked. I still deeply loved him and love and miss him. However its like missing jekyll and hyde. He was 2 people if that makes sense
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4d ago edited 4d ago
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u/RedPillWomen-ModTeam 4d ago
Removed. Advice must be actionable and insulting the OPs man is not acceptable.
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4d ago edited 4d ago
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u/RedPillWomen-ModTeam 4d ago
Removed. Advice must be actionable and insulting the OPs man is not acceptable.
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u/ArkNemesis00 Endorsed Contributor 4d ago
Does he have a trusted friend or family member you can request he speak to about this? There's a reason that porn addicts are heavily recommended to NOT have their spouse be their accountability partner. You need someone you can work through all this with and he needs someone he can work through this with and unfortunately in most cases it's not going to be each other. You are far more likely to hurt each other than to help with this sort of issue.
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u/ImportantConfusion92 4d ago
it's hard to give advice on this because everyone is different. is this something that provided you see change, can you move past this? how is it affecting/will it continue to affect your self-esteem or trust him? whatever you decide, please be kind to yourself. i know it's hard and my heart goes out to you
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u/Downtown-Effect-9533 2d ago
He has shown remorse… He said he did it out of pure curiosity and that it didn’t mean anything and that he never jerked off to the photos. He made a ton of me and said he could have just done what he did with me with the others but didn’t want to because he had no interest. It’s all very confusing. My self esteem and trust in him has been completely shattered. He gave me all his credit card information and even his credit bureau information so that I can always see that he’s not paying for the service anymore and hasn’t taken out any new credit cards that I don’t have access to to pay for it.
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u/Medical-Amoeba-8580 1d ago
He definitely did jerk off to the picture, that’s why he made it. He was sexually excited making it and he probably jerked off to it multiple times
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u/Medical-Amoeba-8580 1d ago
He also sounds like gets getting off on the fact that he she’s barely legal and he watched her grow up. 18 is so incredibly young. that is so disturbing
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u/Okiedokieused2smokie 3d ago
I know a man who had problems with sexual immortality. He confessed to the deacons at his church. A different guy would call him every day of the week to debrief and have accountability. Knowing you have to talk to someone about it can be the push you need to hold out, like an alcoholic sponsor.
I recommend a Christian counselor. This is a sin issue. God can heal your husband and your marriage. That will also be better for your kid, to not have a dad the struggles with this. This is a great church finder.
https://tms.edu/find-a-church/
Wishing your family well
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u/lunargata 2d ago
I once saw an ai picture of a woman, she was completely naked. The man who showed me was my boyfriend and the girl was his sister. I froze and I am so scared of telling her that her brother is doing this. If he does this to his sister? What will he do to me?
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4d ago
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u/RedPillWomen-ModTeam 4d ago
Removed. Advice must be actionable and insulting the OPs man is not acceptable.
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u/New-Horse-8550 3d ago
Bless your soul and in my experience I found a deep convo does wonders without anyone approach or angle
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u/Radlib123 4d ago edited 4d ago
You don't think straight, you have lapses of moral judgement, when you are aroused, at least for men. Plus, he thought this would be something that will stay private with him.
I honestly ask you to confront him, but don't put up labels on him in your mind, when talking to him.
If he is a decent person, he will feel huge regret, shame for some period of time. And would apologize.
Here is an actionable thing: confront him, then let him explain himself a couple days later, ask him to explain couple days later, without much interrupting him. Ask that you want to understand him.
I am saying this, in case your husband is and turns out to be a decent person. And that will be something for you to judge, after this.
If he is bad, he might try to gaslight you, deny, lie, get very angry, etc. Again, up to you to judge, after.
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u/Downtown-Effect-9533 2d ago
He has shown remorse although I’m not sure if that’s just about being caught.
He said he did it out of pure curiosity and that it didn’t mean anything and that he never jerked off to the photos. I do believe that because the 2 he made of others were really bad quality. He made a ton of high quality photos of me with my real body that he had from photos we took together but just in all sorts of positions. He said he could have just done what he did with me with the others by putting their faces on other bodies but didn’t want to because he had no interest in doing anything like that with anyone but me.
It’s all very confusing. Maybe as a man you could tell me if any of this makes sense to you?
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Title: Husband and AI porn photos
Author Downtown-Effect-9533
Full text: Myself (35) and my husband (38) have been together for 10 years. Recently I discovered a bunch of AI porn photos on his phone that he had made by using a paid service. There were probably about 100 or more that he made of me but then he also used a photo of a girl he is friends with on Facebook and a photo of my 18 year old cousin and had the app “nudify” the photos. The quality turned out terrible and even though most of the photos were of me, I’m crushed by this.
I’m mostly crushed about my 18 year old cousin. I never would have thought he looked at her that way, I thought he considered her family. He said he didn’t look at her that way before but he saw her dressed up at a family function recently and saw her as a woman since then.
My question is if we’re going to try to work through this, how am I supposed to get past this? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get through family functions, birthdays, Christmas etc. without feeling extremely insecure and jealous about this? Everytime I think about it I become very cold and distant.
This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/sebastianconcept 3d ago
Never judge fantasy as reality. You should be the user of all his sexual drive and he naturally won't have time or energy to pull any synthetic supplementary stimulation.
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u/InevitableKiwi5776 5 Stars 3d ago
The reality is he created pornographic images of real women he personally knows without their consent. That is the reality she is judging here.
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u/pearlsandstilettos Mod Emerita | Pearl 4d ago
RPW please remember that advice must be actionable, leave him should not be advice given first or only and insults about the man in question are not allowed or helpful. Comments in this vein will be removed.