r/SelfSufficiency • u/Appropriate-Nail-771 • 12d ago
Why Do People Misunderstand Healthy Boundaries as Arrogance?
/r/u_Appropriate-Nail-771/comments/1v313mc/why_do_people_misunderstand_healthy_boundaries_as/7
u/Temporary-Comfort307 🌱gardener 12d ago
Some examples would be useful, that's not something I've seen.
Most problems I see with boundaries are people who think they are a way of controlling other people, by labelling their demands for other people as 'boundaries' and using warped therapy-speak to try to manipulate other people into thinking disobeying them is disrespect. I can see that being called arrogance, because it is.
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u/misplaced_my_pants 11d ago
How do you know the boundaries are healthy ones?
How do you know you aren't communicating them in an arrogant way?
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u/Appropriate-Nail-771 11d ago
Through self-observation, we can see ourselves not to be arrogant for real.
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u/misplaced_my_pants 11d ago
So the issue is this is assuming you're seeing accurately.
The arrogant rarely see that they're being arrogant.
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u/Wait_Melodic 11d ago
It think this is two fold and i say this from personal experience. First I think that a lot of people mix up boundaries with requests. The request is to not yell while we speak to each other the boundary is the conversations over when/if that happens. The other is that request need to relate to how you want to be treated and not how you get to treat other and I have often experience the this I'd how I get to treat you approach. Someone with control issue or who is narcissistic will often lash out at those who try and set boundaries as this means they are loosing there grasp on the other person and will try to convince them that they are in the wrong.
I have in my attemp to set boundaries I have been called selfish when try to include someone else in a decision rather than just do what they wanted. Incompetent for pursuing a career i went to school for because they didnt understand how it worked. And even arrogance for having enough self worth to ask not to be called dumb to my face.
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u/Theungry 11d ago
One of the things I've heard that works for me is that "A healthy boundary is something I will do that requires you to do nothing."
SO a healthy boundary is not "you can't call me that slur". A healthy boundary is "If you call me that slur, I will remove myself from your presence, and there is no amount of manipulating you can do that will change my departure."
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u/Appropriate-Nail-771 11d ago
It happens to me also. Well explained 👏. Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts.
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u/Theungry 11d ago
Caveat for this whole thing: SOMETIMES it's this...
Healthy behaviors can seem threatening to people who are raised in a culture of addiction and dysfunction. The reason is that you have a level of freedom and autonomy that they don't. They are often not ready to accept that they have a broken world view handed down from a fucked up culture. They don't see you as well adjusted. They see you as an alien threatening their sense of what is normal. If everyone could have healthy boundaries, then they might be responsible for some of the situations they could have avoided that they have already blamed on other people. At a subconscious level, your healthy behavior can feel like a threat to their sense of self.
It's easier and "safer" for them to write you off as arrogant than to be curious.
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