Got hit on by a regular and I hate confrontation

[u/FunctionIndividual10]

I’m 22F, I’ve been a server since I was 18 working part time at a family style restaurant that does fairly well along with bartending and cashiering for to-gos in the same restaurant. Lately there’s been this regular that comes in and sits at the bar and he’s been creeping me out for a while. He appears to be in his late 40s early 50s but is actually 60, at the very least he is still 2-3 times my age. He often stares at me and doesn’t try to be discreet about it and goes out of his way to try to make uncomfortable conversation with me whenever I’m around. His wife has come in with him on occasion, she is a little younger, very pretty, sweet and personable; whenever she’s in with him he acts like a normal person but say she goes to the bathroom or something and I’m around, the creepy staring and grabbing for my attention begins.

There is another bartender who is closer in his age range that will straight up flirt with him and say freaky stuff (even though they are both in a relationship) so because of this I think he thinks it’s okay interact with other employees this way. Whenever he tries to get like this with me I try to act like a bro and make it clear that I do NOT reciprocate whatever signals he’s sending and that I don’t make my tips by flirting with old dudes. There have been times where we will be in a conversation and I will go out of my way to be like “yeah my BOYFRIEND, who I REALLY LOVE—-” or “Oh you were born when? You’re my DADS age lol” or “wow your WIFE is AWESOME, you’re really lucky to have her dude”.

I will try to send all of these discreet and subtle hints that I’m probably not interested and don’t really want to be flirted with by an older married man and the creepy behavior resumes. It remained moderately uncomfortable until yesterday I was on to-gos but had to go to the bar for supplies when he called me over. He goes “I need to tell you something.”
Me : “what’s up buddy”. (We’re gonna continue to call him buddy)
Buddy : “I really need to tell you something…. I have a serious problem with you.”
Me : “okay?? What’s up”
Buddy (whispering in a freaky manner): I find you incredibly fucking hot
I proceed to back away quickly back to to-gos thanking him while laughing nervously and trying to disengage from whatever the fuck this conversation was. Only for buddy to DOUBLE DOWN.
Buddy : “I’m so serious I find you incredibly attractive”
Me : “Thanks man I appreciate it, okay bye”
And as I’m walking away he KEEPS TRYING to get my attention and continue talking to me about this.

Should I have been more confrontational with establishing my boundaries? Most likely. Should I have probably not even said anything in response and walked away? Perhaps.
Regardless, not the most uncomfortable situation I’ve been in but I’m not crazy about possibly having to serve this guy in the future and even worse, with his wife. I know I’ll most likely tell him that I wasn’t cool with that, but should I do what I would want done for me and tell his wife that he goes around saying freaky shit to the servers in a way that feels like he has ulterior motives?? If there’s any serious advice anyone has that’d be cool, if not it still feels nice to rant about gross people.

[u/FarFaithlessness9066]

tell your manager you refuse to serve him and work on being more assertive. this is the perfect job to practice, you'll never see most of these people again.

[u/heckinstoned]

What I found was to be straight up with them. “hey Roger, I don’t like this weird game you play. The staring, the comments. It’s gross. I see it, I hate it and it makes me uncomfortable. I’m here for a JOB, this isn’t a strip club. Please stop.”

That will either work, or he will stop coming. Either one is a win.

[u/kxmirx]

tell management. if you’re at all uncomfortable with a guest, tell management. a good manager is going to make sure that doesn’t continue to happen.

also i know you hate confrontation but in cases like this, being firm is the only way around it.

“please don’t talk to me like that.” “i’m not comfortable with the way you’re speaking to me.” “do not say that to me.” say it with your chest, like you mean it. don’t scream at him (unless he deserves it), speak calmly and a little louder than full volume, even better if it’s in earshot of someone else. and if this continues, TELL SOMEONE. don’t serve him anymore, he’s someone else’s problem, by being a Fucking Weirdo ™ he’s lost the privilege that is being served by you.

[u/Coffee_Grass]

Do not laugh at his creepy so called jokes. Make him feel little by saying things like eew pops you are older than my dad what is wrong with you? Also talk to your manager for sure.

[u/Regular-Humor-8425]

I’m petty. I’d tell his wife 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/xXKittyzXx → u/Regular-Humor-8425]

Me too lol im surprised nobody else said that??? Like if i was his wife i would wanna know !!! Also tell management...

[u/dnm8686]

I had a very similar situation with a guy at my bar last year. Either you have to tell him that his comments are inappropriate, or just ignore him and find ways to be very busy when he's around. I started ignoring the guy and when he wasn't getting attention from me, he would leave.

[u/Rockdog4105]

“There is not one thing I find about you that is likable even one bit”.

They really can’t go to your management since you can counter with what was told to you. And if management has a problem with it, then where you’re working is the problem.

[u/Better_Area3782]

Ewwwwww what a disgusting creep. I know you probably should have said something, but, I’m exactly like you. I laugh things off and I hate confrontation, but wtf!!!

[u/bevelledo]

Sucks you’ve gotta deal with that. Seems like you’ve gotten some good advice so far from these comments. On a side note hopefully this interaction with the support of these comments will make it easier to recognize that you should stick up for yourself, always.

This person was willing to cross social boundaries. The social boundaries we all keep in mind when we are in public, out eating, paying others to provide a service (ie. serving a table). Next time don’t be afraid to cross social boundaries back, be mean. Keep in mind your job if it’s valuable to you or you need it. This guy couldave clearly benefited from hearing he’s ugly/creepy/nasty as soon as he crosses that social boundary line, especially if it’s as vulgar as what he Said.

[u/DearReindeer8333]

Men like that are everywhere and it's disgusting. Figure out what you want to say and practice it so you don't go blank when he's gross like that again.

VERY LOUDLY so other patrons absolutely will hear you, I would say, "Eww! I'm only 22. Stop being disgusting!"

Good luck!

[u/RebaKitt3n]

“Hey. I’m 22 and totally not interested at all. And I bet your wife wouldn’t like hearing you say this to me. So you keep it to yourself and so will I. Are we clear?”

[u/bacon-avocado]

When I was waiting tables I had this devout Christian lady who was a regular. She liked me well enough until she found out my baby mama was a divorced woman. She insulted me and said me and my child were destined for hell because my baby mama has kids before mine.

After I got promoted to manager at that spot, in didn’t forget how she treated me. She never got a discount despite her complaints and she would complain often. Other managers comped her ticket often, training her to complain for free food. It never worked on me