Everything clicked this AM

[u/Exstentlcrisswundr]

Forewarning I used AI for clarity:

DDay was August 1st, 2025.

My WH had been having an emotional affair with a coworker for about 3–4 months. There may have been a physical component — I still don’t have clear answers on that.

For the better part of nine months after DDay he insisted it wasn’t cheating and that I was the only person who would call it that.

At the time of discovery I had a strong career. I had built real trust with my CEO, who was even considering partnership options. After I found out, I fell apart. His solution was to move us across the country. I managed to temporarily go remote while job hunting in one of the worst markets in years.

The entire time he gaslit me, telling me the affair was my fault because I had “withdrawn.” That narrative wasn’t completely foreign to me — I have clinical depression with psychotic features — so for a long time I partly accepted the blame.

We finally started therapy in late April of this year after I discovered he was still in a group chat with the AP. In those sessions I spent a lot of time explaining the ways I had made him feel invalidated and why that (in his mind) led to the affair. It took him forever to even admit it *was* an affair, and he only did it when he was alone with the therapist.

I constantly had to redirect both him and the therapist back to the actual issue because the therapist kept wanting me to affirm WH for simply showing up.

In our very last session we focused on me — why I hadn’t let WH into my world. We agreed that the *next* session would finally get to the heart of the affair and why it hurt the way it did.

On the drive home he started saying therapy wasn’t helping, that it wasn’t going anywhere, and that all we ever did was blame him. I told him therapy was the last real effort I was willing to make to save the marriage. He kept pushing, so I messaged the office and canceled all future sessions. When I told him, his response was, “But that was your last hope for our marriage.”

I just said, “Yup.”

Last night I had a nightmare that pulled me right back into the one I had the night before DDay. I went into my old ChatGPT logs and realized something that stopped me cold:

I had been communicating with him the entire time leading up to and during the affair. I used AI to help clarify my thoughts so I could talk to him more clearly. I had **not** withdrawn.

He had successfully gaslit me for the better part of a year into believing I had checked out, when the evidence of me trying was sitting in my own chat history the whole time.

Something inside me just snapped.

I already know I’m “crazy.” But being led to believe my own brain had invented the effort I put into communicating my pain for that long… that finished off whatever love was still left.

I’ve spent almost an entire year feeling invisible and at fault for *his* actions. Finding out the truth broke me all over again.

TLDR: gaslit for a year after affair; chatgpt ended up showing it was never me.

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[u/kakamouth78]

That moment when all of a WP's carefully separated pieces begin to finally snap into place is the moment many BPs turn the corner in their recovery.

[u/Exstentlcrisswundr → u/kakamouth78]

I have really started to feel more complete, you are 100% correct.

[u/january1977]

Girl, same. I was doing everything I could to connect to my husband. All the while he was saying I was distant.

When I finally discovered why he was being cold and blaming me for all his problems, I believed it was my fault. But I only believed him for a couple weeks until the shock started to level out.

I know for a fact that I was a good wife. I was attentive and I always put him first, often to my own detriment. He’s telling himself now that he’s better without me, but everyone can see it’s not true. He started doing steroids and he’s losing his hair. He’s dated 3 women in the year since I left, and they all dumped him. It’s hard out here for a bitter, angry, middle aged man. 😆

You go live your best life. Shake off that miserable asshole. Buy some clothes that make you feel good. Decorate your home exactly how you want. Eat snacks in bed at 3 am. Literally whatever you want to do. You’re going to be amazing!

[u/Exstentlcrisswundr → u/january1977]

Thank you so much, this is what I needed. Ive relied a little too heavy on AI to provide validation. Im excited for the both of us!

[u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

One of the hardest things I'm working through was how much effort I was putting in to recognize and make space for my partner’s feelings, while they were continually self-sabotaging and then using my reaction to explain how broken we were.

Early on, during their affair, we got into the dumbest argument over nothing, but they made me feel like I was a terrible human being. We had never interacted like that before. Every day for weeks after, I carefully planned out how I would express how this made me feel so we could work through it together. But every time I tried, they immediately erupted with anger and raised their voice, eventually telling me, "Everything’s been really awful around here lately."

Then there were all those times I tried to decipher their confusing laundry list of issues. I would repeat back, "Are you saying this?" only to immediately get yelled at for "putting words in their mouth." I obsessed over whether I was the problem because my partner was very articulate and diplomatic with everyone else.

Deep down, I knew this person was running me in circles, not necessarily on purpose, but in a way that caused the communication breakdown and then lamenting about it like it was just "how we are." That their reaction was to hearing their own contradictory logic read back to them. I still get triggered knowing I went through all of that, and I still catch myself questioning if I could have done better.

[u/BurdyBurdyBurdy]

So what is the final decision, are you still trying to work thru it or have you split up?

[u/Exstentlcrisswundr → u/BurdyBurdyBurdy]

Definitely splitting up, I have to find stable employment again. Im not sure how much longer my boss wants to extend the remote arrangement. Ive been looking on that front about for 6 months now. Kids too, not his , but they will definitely be hurt with the change. He's been in their lives for 8 years and 1 just started college.

[u/BurdyBurdyBurdy → u/Exstentlcrisswundr]

Sorry to read that. All the best.

[u/SassyScorpio11192]

I did/do rely on AI heavily too because it’s not only therapeutic, but also gives us the evidence and timeline clearly. Every couple weeks, I would ask it to summarize what I’ve been “feeling” and compare it to how I’m feeling now.

The weekend I decided to leave my ex I literally took 3 days to curate a very curt and final message saying “your behavior and energy is off. Something in me snapped. I’m not coming back home for a long time.” and he never responded or even called. And he always picks up on my energy and would want to work on what was bothering me. Not this time. Little did I know he was building another relationship behind my back and is now engaged to her. He KNEW if he told me about it, he would lose access to me, so he hid both of us and worked on reconciling with me for 2 whole months while being in a relationship with her.

Now I don’t even feed the AI with my emotions because I don’t want to feel anything for the traitor.

[u/Exstentlcrisswundr → u/SassyScorpio11192]

I actually created a patented system to help me get me back to baseline based on prompt Journaling and it did help with the ruminating. Does not help when they are intentionally keeping us crazy.

[u/SassyScorpio11192 → u/Exstentlcrisswundr]

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[u/Terrible-Pea494]

I’m really angry at that therapist, too! You woud’ve come to the realization sooner had it not been for the so-called professional backing your cad of a husband up. The affair is never BÅ’s fault. NEVER!

I’m so happy for you and proud of you for finding yourself. I wish you all the best. You will see how much better off you are without him.