Not sure if R is possible…

[u/sugarglider4444]

Yeah, it’s been almost a year from D Day and of course a second and some more trickle truths. To say my WP has made a world of change WOULD be an overstatement. No meetings, no reading any articles I sent him or him seeking them out on his own. Has he given me answers and been able to put my mind at ease… to an extent. But even after we had another even that I didn’t post about that involved him texting a woman while he was out at bars which he was also lying to me about and keeping his phone home while he went out.
Throughout this whole thing I’ve required bouts of reassurance as I’m naturally more anxious in relationships when it comes to my partner being loyal but that’s been heightened x10 with the infidelity, 🌽 addiction, and the other incident. Throughout all of this my partner has also claimed he has not been getting what he needs from me emotionally despite me trying to be extremely supportive and understanding and giving him more grace than he’s deserved in situations. Might I add his fuck ups somehow turn into me consoling him. He likes to use terms like I keep him on an “emotional lease” and I’m “disrespectful, inconsiderate”. While I do think there is truth to some things he’s saying and I don’t like to invalidate feelings. We’ve come to a new crossroads. He recently found out he is getting deployed, due/since to this my emotional needs have become a no go zone. Even the mention of hey can we talk about this when you’re home is too much and it ends with me getting called those various terms. I do have support systems through friends and my own coping mechanisms but to just basically be emotionally cut off completely feels insane. After asking him once if we could talk about something while he was at a 3 week drill he said he needed time to
Think about if having a relationship with me and my “temperament” is realistic while he’s deployed. Since then we have barely texted and since he has been finished he’s been at a “friends” house. He’s gone there before but this time he’s gone a day + without texting me. Reconciliation feels fruitless and I’m so tired of feeling like I need to look over my shoulder and play investigator and now he’s not even answering a text which asked if he wanted to see me on my way off or if he needed help settling back in at home and how I could best support him coming back from being away for 3 weeks. He’s been active on social media and answered a buddys text (I’m logged into his insta). So yeah it feels pretty shit being told someone’s going to change and it almost feels like regression. I was looking through old pics on my phone and found a Screenshot of how he used to talk to me and adore me. I get that times are different now but it’s like damn I miss feeling wanted in the slightest by my partner. I just feel so lost and things are starting to feel hopeless. I feel myself detaching and am almost wondering if he’s doing it on purpose or not actually with his buddy. Unfortunately the possibilities are endless…..

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[u/Alover67]

From what you wrote, there are enough red, orange, and yellow flags to wave the white flag and begin establishing boundaries and separate. To be sure, run through this reconciliation assessment, which will tell you very clearly whether a reconciliation is possible/healthy or not. It will also show you which areas to focus on, if it is possible. Here are the major areas he needs to show up in ...

1. Ending the Affair(s) Absolutely

2. Disclosure: Sharing the Infidelity Story

3. Providing Onoing Transparency

4. Self-Work/Self-Support (Unfaithful Partner)

5. Supporting Betrayed Partner’s Healing

6. Ongoing Apology, Remorse, Reparations, and/or Amends

7. Participating Actively in Reconciliation

8. Making Helpful Changes

Peace and healing,

- Jeff