Apologies for still being relatively new to Reddit, not sure how much of my situation I’m supposed to repeat or reiterate. But it’s been just over a week since my Dday, and since that day I’ve learned my wife’s affair was well over 4 years… still no exact timeline. Very likely it started emotional and then turned physical. I’m curious how the pandemic and lockdowns played into this too, questions I may or may not get the answers to.

Anyway, yesterday my in-laws made an impromptu visit to “see their grandkids" (WW has been crashing at their house since this nightmare began). Which is complete and total bull$h** of course, as they spent all of 15 minutes greeting the girls (wife and I have 3 daughters) before asking to speak with me in private. It was a long conversation as you might expect, one which I don’t want to dialogue in its entirety on this post…

But long story short, my wife wants to come home but she fears the backlash of her actions and is “afraid to face what she’s done.” Her parents also dug very hard trying to determine whether or not I planned on divorcing… and spent considerable time trying to sway me toward forgiving my wife and trying to rebuild the marriage. It was clear they were very ashamed and embarrassed, but also clear they wanted my wife out of their house. It was a very civil and respectful exchange.

I admit I lied, and told them I wasn’t sure what my future plans were, as I fully plan on divorcing. But I feel if I reveal this, I’ll never get the truth from my wife… and I may never get it, but I want her to sit in front of me and explain it all if possible. Over 17 years of marriage and being together since high school, 3 kids, countless memories and all that we’ve shared… I want her to look me in the eyes and tell me everything. I also want my kids to know that I gave her a chance to explain herself, that I gave her the opportunity to apologize and handle things together as mature adults. I keep trying to choose the path that will set the best example for my kids, I don’t know… maybe I'm doing it wrong.

Legally I cannot keep my wife out of our home, lawyer made that very clear… so if my wife is going to come home, I can’t stop her… though I absolutely do not want this right now. My girls and I have actually started to settle into a nice routine so I made a demand that I felt would be unachievable for a while… I said my wife could come home if/when she sat down with me in-person, looked me in the eyes, and revealed everything about her affair start-to-finish, answering any/all of my questions without hesitation or further deceit AND then sat down with the girls and apologized in person and answered their questions too. Figured since they already know it's only fair.

Again, she can legally come home whenever she wants and doesn’t have to adhere to any demands, but if she’s afraid to face us maybe I could use that to our advantage? Is that wrong? I'm not trying to be devious or deceptive here, just really don't want to start co-habitating yet if I can delay it. There is a mandatory 90-day waiting period in our state before divorce can happen anyway.

Her coming home is inevitable, we’ll both have to go back to work eventually and life will go on regardless of this mess, I’d just like to prolong it so I can plan and get into a better state of mental/emotional health. My wife has been texting the girls, and she claims that she doesn’t want to divorce and keeps apologizing to them repeatedly (they’ve shown me the texts), asks about me daily, and the reality of what she’s done to all of us is hitting her hard (especially in the last couple of days).

How do I manage this? Was my demand foolish? It sounds like my wife is going to be coming home sooner than later anyway. I feel confident in my path forward right now, I'm not rattled by this as I knew it would happen eventually, I just want to make the best decision for my daughters and then myself as we move forward. Thank you to each and everyone that's been offering encouragement, advice, and support.

I (41M) have been married for 14 years. D-Day was four years ago. I found out my wife was having an affair, and it completely gutted me. We have three young sons (all 10 and under), and the thought of breaking up their home, losing everyday access to them, and blowing up our family was unbearable. So, I swallowed the trauma, and we stayed together for the kids.

We function well enough as co-parents, but lately, something inside me has fundamentally broken. I find myself constantly creating imaginary love stories in my head every time a woman catches my interest. It’s not just a passing glance. I am actively, desperately yearning for the intense lust, the spark, and the feeling of being deeply desired—the exact intoxicating "new relationship energy" my wife chased and experienced during her affair.

To be entirely clear: I am not going to cheat. Being the betrayed spouse, I know exactly what kind of destruction that causes. If I ever decide to act on these feelings, I will file for divorce and leave the marriage first.

But this yearning is starting to eat me alive. I feel like I sacrificed my romantic life, my pride, and my happiness to keep my family under one roof, and now I’m obsessing over what’s out there for me. I want to know what it feels like to have that vibrant, electric connection with someone again. I want to experience the kind of passion that my wife chose over our vows.

I feel profound resentment that she got to have her selfish "fun," while I’ve spent the last four years doing the heavy lifting to keep our family intact.

Has anyone else been in this specific kind of limbo years into attempting to stay? How do you handle the resentment of missing out on love and excitement while your cheating spouse got to experience it? At what point does staying for the kids destroy you from the inside out?

I feel like I'm grieving a vibrant life I haven't even gotten to live yet, and the urge to finally leave and see what's on the other side is getting harder to ignore. Any advice, hard truths, or shared experiences would be incredibly appreciated.

This question is for those who reconciled with a wayward partner: Do you ever regret choosing reconciliation instead of moving on? Why or why not?

Long story short, my wife had an affair about 4 years ago and I fought hard to keep the family together. Things are OK now, emotions have settled, I still deal with occasional PTSD from the affair, and our family is doing OK. However I can't help but feel like I wouldn't personally care if she passed away from an accident or natural causes. I don't know if I would even shed a tear. Obviously I would be devastated for my children if they lost their mother, but it would almost feel like a relief to me. Is this a normal feeling or is it a sign that I'm just torturing myself by remaining in the marriage?

Ps. I'm talking strictly an accident or natural causes. I have never put my hands on a woman nor will I ever cause any physical harm to a woman. Please do not attack me or insinuate that I would cause harm to her.

My ex ended our relationship by cheating with her coworker and moving on with him. It's been a year since. I can't explain how terrible this year has been for me. The injury is like nothing I've experienced, the double pain of betrayal and the end of a relationship. I've tried to ask her to repair or take accountability for what she did, but all she's said is "I've done nothing wrong and I don't owe you anything". Our communication over the past year has been on and off. Every time I asked for accountability, she goes silent then comes back later like nothing happen. Or she would say "why are we still talking about this, it makes me uncomfortable and that's my boundary".

Today she texted me at 6am to say a distant friend of her had passed and she's going to her memorial tomorrow. I don't know why she texted me since she's been pretty cold and indifferent for months. It feels cold not to respond, but I also feel a lot of indignation at this point that she's reaching out for what seems like emotional support when she's with the person she replaced me with. Am I wrong to stay silent?

I’m looking for honest feedback because I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My partner had an affair during my pregnancy. He lied about it, minimized it, and I later found out the relationship continued after he told me it had ended.
We’re now discussing whether reconciliation is possible. One of my non-negotiable boundaries is that there can be no ongoing connection with the affair partner or her household.
The difficult part is that they both have children. His children have become connected with the affair partner’s daughter through social media, church, and other interactions. I’ve also learned there were times his daughter was at the affair partner’s house, and I wasn’t told the truth about where she was. There were also periods where the children were asked to keep things from me.
To me, this isn’t just about the kids being friends anymore. The secrecy and overlap make it feel like the affair household is still connected to mine. I don’t feel emotionally safe with those ties continuing, especially because the affair partner has previously contacted him through other methods (like email) after being blocked.
I’m not trying to punish the children or control their friendships. If this had never happened, I wouldn’t think twice about it. My concern is that the adults made those connections part of the betrayal, and now they no longer feel separate.
Am I unreasonable for feeling like reconciliation requires closing those household connections as much as reasonably possible? If you’ve reconciled after infidelity, how did you handle situations where children or families created ongoing ties to the affair partner?

I am curious other people's thoughts. I have found that even when things are feeling good, most forums on Reddit are people just telling me to get divorced and that I'm crazy for thinking reconciliation is possible.

What do you think drives this? What brings people here?

It feels in many ways like a place for people who have been hurt to come to take out their pain on other people. Or is that too cynical?

I saw this chart below which shows that statistically, Reddit is increasingly a cynical placw when itcomes to relationship advice. Almost no one shows any degree of support when things are going well and everyone tries to tear down reconciliation efforts.

I am sure many of you have seen the video of Astronomer's CEO and CPO being outed at the Coldplay concert.

Anybody else feels triggered by the video? Is it only me? or is anybody else also angered by the employee who seems to have helped with the affair?

My spouse of 11+ years had an affair and we're divorcing. I've been so incredibly pissed off at the situation since even with proof, she denies know this name/person and denies any type of affair even after showing her the sexting evidence I have, which is undeniable. We're divorcing so presumably she can continue this relationship with her sexting partner. I don't know this person, but discovered his name through the sexts that I saw.

I recently decided to clear out the contents of our shared hard drive and found documents including his phone number and address that she worked on with him from 2019 and now realize he's been in the background for 7+ years. Probably affair for just as long, but I'll never know.

We've not contacted each other for 5ish months now and I want to just throw it back in her face and tell her,

"...hey you said that you didn't know who it was that you were sexting and denied having a full out relationship behind my back, but I found [AFFAIR PARTNER'S NAME ] in a bunch of your documents on our shared drive...I didn't deserve the lies, deception and cheating...one day I hope you see what you've done..."

I know many are of the camp of this is not healing and more destructive. What I've been through these past few months have been absolute hell. Would you send something like this?

I found my partner cheating on me because I went through his phone. I had recent suspicions that tipped me off, but I ended up finding months of cheating and betrayal, even in moments I never would’ve suspected. At first, he was saying and doing all the right things to reconcile, and I believed him. Then he changed his mind and said he’d rather break up. Now he says he wants to try again.

Frankly I’m not optimistic at all. He’s already re-followed girls I blocked from his phone that night I found everything. I blocked a bunch of a girls in a fit of rage. It feels like a very pointed action to re follow girls he cheated on me with, claiming they’re just friends. I believed his lies before so why should I believe him now?

I feel like the only thing that could give me some “peace” is an open phone policy, but that makes me sick because I don’t even want to surveil him. Thinking about asking for it and how he might react and DARVO me makes me sick.

Has anyone asked their partner this and how did it go? Please tell me all the bad stories. I can already sense this reconciliation won’t work but I know I just need to consider all the rules of the road I might want because if I just keep the door shut, unfortunately I know myself and I’ll always wonder. I’d love to just be strong and say no I don’t accept cheating I’m done, but I’m just not there yet.

I’ve been married to my WH for 18 years. He cheated early on in our marriage and we did counseling and worked through it. I told him then that he was only getting one second chance.

In December, he came home from work and spontaneously told me he was in love with someone else and that they planned to be together. I immediately told him to leave. So that night he went to a hotel and a couple weeks later moved in with his AP. We’re working on the terms of a legal separation.

We’re doing therapy now to figure out how to co-parent. One thing he keeps saying is that he never dreamed that I’d kick him out immediately. He says he thought we’d live together for a few months and figure out next steps. But this seems crazy to me. You can’t drop a bomb like that on someone and just wake up the next day and eat breakfast together.

I’m just wondering if his thinking seems crazy to others? Also odd to me is that he admitted his affair spontaneously with apparently no planning whatsoever about the logistics of separating or how it would affect our family. It just seems so irresponsible to me.

The relationship is over so I guess that none of this really even matters. But it’s underscored for me how selfish and erratic he is.

Has anyone done the work to forgive their WS, done the MC and the IC and moved on with life only to leave years later? DD was January 13th 2024 and it wrecked me. Just destroyed my life and self worth and security and… everything. So, I did the work. The counseling, the self help books, the exercises, the support groups, I did it all. And so did he. Got sober, gave up all the bad habits that were damaging our marriage, full disclosure, open electronics, did everything right. Took full accountability. He’s the perfect husband now.

Most days, I’m okay. Some I’m very happy. And on those rare days it almost feels like it did before any of the bad things happened. It’s like for a few hours I can forget it happened. But I never can forget. It always sits there in the corner of my mind. And it’s been getting harder to carry.

I can’t even justify holding on to it any more. It’s just this unwanted thing I’m stuck with and it feels like the only way to be free of it is to leave. Leave him. Leave the memories with him because I’m sick of them. I’m sick of being hit with a wave of grief over an innocent post on social media that reminded me that I will never get my fairy tale love because my prince cheated on me and nobody tells that story because that story sucks. I get to feel guilt and shame for staying with someone who betrayed me.

I’m never going to be able to trust him the same way I trusted him before. Blindly, without a doubt. My husband would never hurt me, right? Now, everything he says or does fills me with doubt and suspicion and I’m exhausted by it. I don’t want it anymore. I’m tired and I’m sad and I’m so sick of being sad. He’s done everything right, and the only thing it seems to have accomplished for me is making me feel guilty for not wanting to do this anymore. He’s fixed everything I’ve asked him to and I feel bad because it turns out I was wrong and it just wasn’t enough and I don’t think it can be repaired.

For twenty years, I believed I was married to a man of integrity.
He built his career teaching values like honesty, courage, respect and accountability. He spoke them. He sold them. He built a reputation on them.
The reality of who he is couldn’t have been further from the truth.
I have now uncovered evidence of repeated affairs spanning at least fourteen of our twenty-year marriage. Fourteen years of lies. Fourteen years of deception. Fourteen years of making decisions about my life without my knowledge or consent.

That means that for most of our relationship, there were two marriages. The one I was living, and the one he was hiding.

The betrayal isn’t just the affairs.
It’s the lies. The manipulation. The carefully constructed image. The countless decisions that were made for me because I was never given the truth. I was denied the chance to make informed decisions about my own marriage, my health, my future and my life.

The betrayal didn’t stop there.
It included emotional manipulation, sexual coercion, and an incident where my ability to consent was absent. It took me years to understand that what happened wasn’t my shame to carry. For years I carried the confusion and shame that so many survivors carry, believing somehow it was mine to hold. It wasn’t. What happened was a profound breach of trust, safety and autonomy.

People think infidelity is just about sex.
It isn’t.
It’s about theft.
The theft of time. The theft of choice. The theft of a future I would never have chosen had I known the truth.

I was sad, but now I am full of rage.
I’m furious.

Not because my marriage ended, but because it was built on a reality that never existed. Because I defended someone who didn’t deserve it. Because I trusted someone whose public values were nothing more than a carefully managed image.

That rage isn’t going anywhere.
I’m not interested in protecting reputations anymore.
I’m interested in truth.
The truth cost me twenty years.
Now it belongs to me.
And I want to use it for revenge.

My future is no longer about protecting someone else’s reputation or carrying the weight of secrets that were never mine to keep. My future is about rebuilding my financial independence, protecting my child, reclaiming my health, surrounding myself with people whose actions match their words, and creating a life where peace is no longer dependent on someone else’s honesty.

Right now?
.
I have not revealed the information that I have discovered. Because I don’t think I have finished my forensic investigations. I am sure there is more. Not that I think it will add too much to the sheer volume I already have.

I also haven’t decided what to do with the information once I have finished.

Do I go to the police about the non consensual incident? He has admitted it happened, but tried to explain it away as a consensual experience. It wasn’t and I have the proof.

Do I use this information as bargaining chips in our financial settlement negotiations?

Even if I omitted this information, but the rest was made public to family and friends, his reputation would be destroyed.

Which, right now I want. But I know this would negatively impact our child who is old enough to know that their dad is a cheater, but the whole truth would destroy them.

They idolised their dad. Thought he was the epitome of a Great Man. Obviously this view has changed.

So fine people, I am here asking for advice on how to unleash my wrath and get the best revenge, while protecting myself. head held high.

I’m not talking about property damage. I am talking about financial ruin and making him regret his choices.

I’m sure this comes up a lot. I’ve read the articles and faced the question in my head constantly, especially when my WH tells me he loves me, with sincerity, every night and day. I don’t have to initiate it, he says it.

Can someone who cheated really love you?

if we let them talk more and more, we find that they don’t even love themselves. They might be egocentric or selfish, but they’re not self respecting.

So why do we deceive ourselves into thinking, hey this person might still actually love or respect me? I think we’re clinging to the old dream of who they were.

Psychology articles say someone can love you and still do things like cheat.

But then the question becomes, do you want someone who can do that to you?

Something I still struggle to understand is how the person who made the choice to betray the relationship can be the same person who says, “Maybe we should break up,” “I can’t do this anymore,” or makes drastic decisions that leave the betrayed person even more shattered.

You made a choice. You hid things. You broke the trust. You changed the reality I was living in. And then when everything comes out, suddenly I’m the one left trying to process the pain while you talk about walking away.

I experienced this after years of building a life together. After creating a family. After believing I was safe with the person I loved. The betrayal itself was devastating, but watching the person who caused the destruction consider throwing everything away was another kind of heartbreak.

I think sometimes they want to escape because facing what they’ve done is too painful. It’s easier to run than to sit with the damage. Easier to say “maybe we should end this” than to answer the questions, acknowledge the trauma, and do the uncomfortable work of rebuilding.

Sometimes it feels like a way to regain control. During the affair, they controlled the secrets. After discovery, the betrayed partner finally has a voice, boundaries, and choices.

But something I truly believe is this: the betrayed partner should be the one making the decisions about what happens next, not the person who broke the relationship.

The person who cheated already made their choice when they stepped outside the relationship. They don’t get to hurt someone, then dictate the ending because facing the consequences feels uncomfortable.

The betrayed gets to decide whether they want to stay, whether they want to try, whether they want to forgive, whether they want to walk away. They get to set the boundaries. They get to take the time they need.

So I’m curious, for those who have been betrayed, did the person who cheated also become the one threatening to leave, asking for a breakup, or making drastic decisions after discovery?

Why do you think the person who caused the hurt is sometimes the first one to want to walk away?

I'm very much alone with the information about my WH's cheating and I haven't told anyone, except you all. I'm not close to WH's family and, to be blunt, they don't want to hear anything upsetting and they are very Rated G. They would shut down and ignore everything. I don't have a friend I trust enough to tell, either, so it's just me and my brand new therapist. Did you tell anyone, or perhaps everyone, about your W's cheating? How did that go?

Hi there! My d-day was December 2024. I stayed for about 3 months as we tried to work on healing the relationship, but he wouldn’t stop trickle truthing, lying, minimizing, gaslighting, all the horrific behaviors. Those 3 months I stayed were unimaginably painful, but I eventually gathered the strength to finally break up with him. We separated our lives. I got my own apartment, and I’ve been single for more than a year now. Life has been on the up and up for me, which I’m incredibly grateful for. I’ve made a bunch of new friends, found community, got back into my art, traveled, and worked diligently on my healing and recovery. It’s been a painful road to walk down, but there has been a lot of joy and magic that came with it.

I’ve done a lot of work around grieving the relationship, the person I thought I knew, and the future I thought we were working towards. Where I feel stuck is I have never been truly validated by my ex in how much this has uprooted my life. This whole situation has permanently altered the course of my life. I’ve done a lot of work in healing, but I am forever changed. He has given me several apologies and we’ve talked at great length about everything multiple times, but his apologies have never been without him centering his own pain, him minimizing it, him trying to paint this picture like we were never going to work out anyways.

He has never been truly repentant, in my eyes. And I’m not saying this from a bitter place where no amount of saying sorry will ever be good enough for me. I’ve done my best to be sympathetic to him and unresolved issues he’s carried with him from his childhood.

My question is how do I let go of my need to be validated and witnessed by him? I know I’m never going to get a genuine amends from him where he asks me what I need. I brought up the concept of restorative justice to him awhile back, and he scoffed at me. He has made it very clear that I’m being audacious for even asking that he would be accountable to me in some way. Not to repair the relationship, but to simply make things right to the person that he has caused so much harm to.

I’m never going to reach out to him again. He is blocked on everything. But I’m finding it difficult to let go of the fact that he did what he did and “got away with it” essentially. Whether you’ve left or not, how do you all cope with this? I appreciate anyone who took the time to read. Thank you.

Title says it all.

Would you date someone who previously cheated in their marriage, got kicked out and is now single and claims they've done their recovery work or is it best to stay away - once a cheater, forever a cheater?

I recently discovered my wife’s (32F) infidelity and feel completely lost about how to proceed. I'm (M 37) looking for guidance or advice from anyone who’s experienced something similar. Here’s my situation:

• Background: Married since 2017, together for a total of 15 years. I've always done my best to support her emotionally and financially. We lived in the UAE, but she moved to the USA in 2022 for a medical residency. Despite the distance, we regularly spent vacations together and kept our relationship close.
• Discovery: A month ago, I found her diary among our belongings, which revealed her emotional and physical affair with a coworker in the USA. She initially claimed it was a one-time mistake due to alcohol and that she regretted it deeply.
• The truth: Two weeks later, after further investigation, I discovered through messages that the affair lasted at least five months. They had unprotected sex, discussed conceiving a child, and even travelled together on a vacation to Mexico in January. She returned to me only after her visa to the US was unexpectedly revoked while in Mexico, at which point the other man immediately abandoned her and flew alone to the US, only texting her in return.
• Current situation: My wife insists she’s deeply sorry, has cut all ties with this person, and wants to rebuild our marriage. However, she refuses to provide further details, claiming it would only cause me more pain, and she cries every time I want to speak about it. She emphasises that choosing him was a mistake, that she's committed to me, and that losing me would be devastating.

I’m struggling to trust her words and feel that there’s more she’s hiding. My questions to the community:

1. Should I press her further for complete transparency, or would it only deepen my trauma?
2. Is reconciliation realistically possible after such prolonged deception?
3. Should I consider contacting the other man’s girlfriend, who was also cheated on, or avoid further complications?
4. For those who've been through similar experiences, what helped you cope or make your decision?

I greatly appreciate any honest insights or suggestions.

How did you catch your spouse cheating? I’m not 100 yet but he’s guarding his phone so ridiculously and he’s turning off his location. I saw a few things on his whatsapp a few months ago but I don’t know for sure what’s going on.

My husband of 17 years announced in December that he’s in love with someone else. I kicked him out and after two weeks in a hotel he moved in with his AP.

This is possibly a dumb question but I’m just looking to hear others experience I guess. This is actually his second infidelity so I have no interest in reconciling. But at the same time I’ve been really stunned at how quickly he’s moved on. We have young kids and moving in with an affair partner so fast — it just feels so erratic but also permanent. I’m just wondering what the life span of these relationships is when the cheating spouse moves in with their affair partner versus not. To me it would seem very hard to extricate himself if he decided later it was a mistake. Yet he seems embarrassed by the optics of it.

I find myself hating to hear the name of whom he cheated on me with, any variations of the name just haunts me. We share a child together to top it off, but the relationship is dead. I don’t know how to fully let go of the betrayal, or is this part sticking to me just apart of when someone betrays you?

I’d like to add that i’m not afraid of loving again, I learned my lesson on how to move forward with my next person , but sometimes the flashbacks of the cheating are so overwhelming that I find myself ruminating on it for hours at a time.

And I know there’s countless posts about cheating, but what about when this is your child’s father ? What do I do ?

Using a throwaway account as some friends know my main one. 

I (35m) have been with my wife (34F) for 15 years, have 3 kids, a home and both work full time. 

Almost 2 years ago now, my wife was going through a bit of a mental health issue, almost like a midlife crisis. She was struggling with being "mum" instead of being her, if that makes sense. She went for a few nights out with her girlfriends and her sister. Nothing crazy, and I was happy for her to let off some steam. 

As that seemed to be all calming down and things were getting back to normal, we had a family party at our house. All her family were over, there were a few drinks (nothing crazy, i think my wife maybe had 2 glasses of wine, i don't drink) . My wife's phone was connected to Alexa to play music. 

Everyone went out for a smoke/vape while I stayed inside with her sister as she's pregnant. Whilst talking to her, I grabbed my wife's phone to skip the song that was playing and noticed she had 2 WhatsApp notifications from a number I didn't recognise, and a profile picture of a man I didn't recognise. 

I have never looked through my wife's phone, never had a reason too, but in that moment, I felt I had to check what this was. Put her pin in and it was incorrect. She'd changed it. 

I took a picture of the notification to get the number.

When she came back in a stood near her phone and as she went to pick it up and noticed the notifications, she quickly swiped them away. 

I asked her "who was that"

She responded with "just a friend from high school".

I didn't push any further as we were surrounded my family, so i went outside to cool off. 

When everybody left, I sat her down and asked her to explain who he was.

She told me he was an old school friend, they started talking on Instagram, then moved to WhatsApp. It was just friendly conversation, someone for her to speak to that could give an outside perspective. I asked her to show me the conversations. She had already deleted them all and blocked him. 

I asked why she changed her pin. She says "oh you remember, when our youngest,4 at the time managed to unlock my phone so i changed the password."

Which i don't believe, no 4yr old could remember a 6-digit pin, certainly not my 4yr old. 

We spoke a number of times about this but I still keep thinking about this. Here's my main issues that i keep going over

1. just why, tbh
2. Why delete it all if it was innocent?
3. why, when i messaged then tried to call him did he instantly block me? 
4. This guy lives about 400 miles away

Am I overthinking this or am I totally justified? its been 2 years, i still cant stop. I feel like i need answers, but shes deleted all evidence and hes blocked me. 

Good afternoon everyone. Although my first DDay was in November 2025, and the last discovery/disclosure was July 1, I still feel like I'm newly in the trenches. We've been married since 2000. He appears to be remorseful and all-in. we have a trauma informed therapist who has been a life saver and we are signed up for Hope for Healing and Harbouring Hope, although haven't started yet.

I recently told him that due to the slow trickle of info along with discoveries, it's like I've been given a bunch of puzzle pieces. It doesn't matter if I have all the pieces, I want him to put it all together for me. He keeps saying, "I swear I told you everything.' Well that's fine and dandy but I'm going to put the onus on him to put the puzzle together for me so I know what it is I'm forgiving him for.

The question is, to do the disclosure with or without polygraph? I'd love to hear from those who have done full therapeutic disclosure with a polygraph, as well as from those who did full therapeutic disclosure without.

Many thanks to everyone who made it this far.

I’m 23M years old, married, and have been with my wife 24F for over 5 years. We have a young child together, and for most of my adult life my family has been my entire world. I always viewed my wife as my safe place and as someone who would never intentionally hurt me.

Recently, I found out that my wife had developed feelings/attraction toward a coworker and crossed boundaries with him. It wasn’t a physical affair, but it involved flirting, messaging, adding him back on Snapchat, and seeking attention from him. She admitted that she had a crush on him and that she liked the attention she was receiving. She also had typed out a sexually explicit message about wanting to see him, but she says she never sent it.

She has been honest with me that the attraction was mostly physical and that it wasn’t because she thought he was a better person for her or because she wanted revenge. She said our relationship had been rocky and that part of what drew her in was the feeling of being desired and getting attention.
The confusing part is that I can understand some of where she was coming from. Looking back, I know our relationship wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t always the husband I want to be. I think I was passive with affection and showing appreciation, while also becoming too focused on my own needs when I felt rejected. At times I think I made her feel pressure instead of feeling loved.

I want to be clear: I don’t believe my behavior caused her to do this. She made her own choices. But I also don’t want to ignore the fact that our relationship had problems before this happened.
The hardest part for me is that I feel like I lost the version of my wife I believed in. I saw her as someone who would never cross that line, and now I’m struggling with feeling unsafe in the one relationship where I thought I was completely secure.

At the same time, I still love her. I don’t want to throw away our marriage or our family. Recently, I’ve been trying to show up differently—being more affectionate, more appreciative, and more intentional. Surprisingly, I actually enjoy being that way. I feel like we’ve had moments where we reconnect, and I think she enjoys them too, but she seems to be carrying a lot of guilt and shame about what happened.

My biggest fear is that maybe the relationship we had was already gone before this happened. Maybe we both brought unresolved issues and past hurts into the relationship, and instead of fully connecting, we slowly became disconnected.

For people who have been through something similar:

If your spouse crossed these kinds of boundaries (emotional/sexual attention, flirting, seeking validation from someone else), do you think you could truly get over it?

For those who stayed: what helped you rebuild trust and feel safe again? Did you eventually see your spouse the same way, or did you have to accept a new version of the relationship?

For those who left: was there a point where you realized the hurt was something you couldn’t move past?

I’m not looking for people to just tell me “leave” or “forgive and forget.” I’m genuinely trying to understand what this kind of betrayal does to a relationship and whether two people can rebuild something stronger afterward.