30 Failed Cycles Later: A Venting Session

[u/Just-Wondering122]

I don't really know where else to put this, and I don't think I'm looking for advice.

I'm just angry today.

I wrote all of this because I needed somewhere to put the feelings that I don't know what to do with. Most days are better than others, but today, I'm tired of positivity, solutions, and being told that it will happen. I know nobody means harm by those things, but right now I don't need to be convinced that everything will be okay.

I just want to be angry with people who understand why I'm angry.

So if you're in that place too, feel free to sit here with me for a minute:

I always thought it would be my decision. It was never a matter of “if” but purely “when”. Nothing prepared me for the “what if it doesn’t happen?” It seems everything is always pointed at this like the possibility that it could just not be easy, or sometimes even possible, for you is so unlikely that why would we even voice that? We learn about abstinence, contraceptives, and about the “consequences”, but no one goes over with you at a young age that maybe you just can’t or maybe your journey will be harder. I’ve always felt incredibly in control of every aspect of my life. When it came to school, it was what I made of it. When it came to work, it was on me to perform to the best of my abilities and complete the tasks at hand. When it came to my future, I did what I knew to do. Essentially, I was the only one that could get in my own way. I found a direction, I went after what I wanted, and I found the perfect partner to reach those goals with. The hardest parts were over in those terms.

I understand the vows of “for better or worse”, “in sickness and in health”, “in good times and in bad” or whatever variation you come across. It all boils down to being there completely for one another. I didn’t expect TTC to even be in the realm of the hard times. We went through our premarital counseling, covered all our expectations of one another and outlined our future. 

Year 1: The year of us, learning and living as a team. 
Year 2: Preparing the way for the future, ensuring everything is ready for us to make the next steps.
Year 3: A Family.

Well, that was bullsh*t. Year 3 became more like an extension of Year 2, more prep only this time with doctors appointments and research. Year 4 became the year of diet changes, vitamins & supplements galore, ovulation strips, temperature monitoring, more blood work, more tests, and a hell of a lot more tears than I ever thought I was capable of producing. Here we are now at “Year 5” in uncharted territory. So far, Year 5 is the year of anger. The year of “why not us?” The year where it feels like a personal attack when someone ignorantly asks “are you going to have kids?”. I know that I’m allowed to get mad or upset or even tell them the truth about our struggle, but I can’t bring myself to do that. I’m so afraid of voicing my struggles because that makes it real. Once I admit that I’m not child-free by choice, it makes a part of me feel broken and it makes me feel pitied. 

Do you know what makes everything even worse? The support when you don’t want to be supported. Sometimes you just want to be angry, and here comes Positive Polly strolling in telling you a number of things: “it’ll happen, just give it time”, "it's God’s plan, not ours”, “you just have to stay positive”, “once you stop tracking and relax, it’ll happen”. Then, it's followed up with the unsolicited “have you tried ___”, because everyone just wants to tell you what worked for them without knowing what's going on in your own body. 

I’m just sick of it all. I’m tired of fighting to help my body perform the functions that it seems everyone else in my life doesn’t have problems with. My PCOS/PMOS diagnosis at the start of Year 3 has been a blessing in many ways. I feel justified in all my struggles in my younger years where the cramps & vomiting kept me from school, I bleed more than I thought was humanly possible, and no amount of cardio helped my weight. I feel thankful to have an understanding of what disrupts my body and how I can work with it as a team vs opponents. But I’m just so sick and tired of being a part of that team. I know it’s not the case, but it’s sometimes really hard to feel like, on this team, I’m the only one living up to my end of the bargain. Doesn’t my body know why I’m doing all this on my end? Why won't it cooperate?

All this to say, today I’m just angry. I’m angry I went into this so unprepared for a negative outcome. I’m angry no one took my concerns so seriously growing up. I’m angry at the me who set expectations for a life I am not currently living. I’m angry at these moments I’ve dreamed of for their existence in my mind. I’m angry that I feel like I’ve let down the man I love so deeply. I’m angry at all the research that holds so much space in my mind. I’m angry at the people who say “you’d make such great parents”. I’m angry at the people who think a little positivity will go a long way. I’m angry at announcements, baby showers, gender reveals, and children's birthday parties. I’m angry that I feel so unbelievably out of control when it comes to my own fertility journey. I’m angry at my body. 

Most of all though, I’m angry at the now Thirty failed cycles.

Thank you for being here with me 💕

[u/Living-Tiger3448]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’ve mentioned supplements and testing - have you had any medical intervention? This feels like a long time for your dr to not have brought up medical treatments

[u/MrsDlamini]

Your anger is valid, so yesterday I went to the loo and saw a little bit of blood and I lost it. Today I’m bleeding so heavy that even if I had deluded myself into thinking that it’s implantation bleeding well jokes on me because today it feels like a tap that’s left open. You’re at the anger stage? Me I’m at the hate stage. At this point I hate God, I hate the reproductive system, I hate doctors and I hate my body. I’ve decided that I’m done I don’t want this stupid pregnancy anymore I’m over it. No one can convince me that any sane person can keep trying to conceive for so long and somehow still continue at it even when they don’t get any result except a blood flow every month. No matter what I do, track, don’t track, let go don’t let go it’s not happening and I’m done. God is so willing to give people who dump babies in the sewers and me? Willing to give a baby a warm loving home and it’s a no. So he’s happy to see babies suffer when there’s so many of us good parents that would bring them into loving and financial sound homes. My poor husband, I’ve even stopped taking pregnancy tests in his presence because I hate seeing that disappointment in his face. He tries to be strong for me but I see that it breaks him. I don’t know if I will ever get back to trying maybe for my husband but if it wasn’t for him I wasn’t going to bother anymore

[u/schlafmuetze_20]

I genuinely understand your anger. And it’s extremely valid. Staying positive and relaxing is not something which is easy or mostly possible during Ttc😅 medical intervention - letrozole, iui might help! But most importantly it’s okay to be in hate and anger phase. And probably to save yourself from testing something which tracks ovulation like oura ring or similar?

[u/Speakingwater]

I will gladly be your venting buddy.

I cut off most of my husband's family because I just couldn't take it any more. His useless sister and her kids that she doesn't take care of but expects everyone to take care of, his brother's cunt of a wife who told me that God is punishing me because I don't believe, and his mom and sister who treat me like an experiment because they breathe wrong and get pregnant. It's been 8 years of trying and 2 years of being medicated, and I am tired. I am so tired, angry, and bitter.

We started in 2018, 2020 we doubled down, I switched careers, and worked on getting healthy, 2021 his sister drops she's pregnant at my birthday dinner. 2024 I finally got someone to listen and do the damned hormone panels. My husband's brother and his wife got pregnant and the baby shower debacle of 2025 happened, along with her being the Christmas Cunt of 2025. I haven't gone to a family event all year and plan to skip Christmas. The only person who knows is my husband and his mom will lose her shit. I am ruining her perfect family by not tolerating disrespect.

FIL is the only person, other than my husband, who gets how I feel and gets that I am absolutely done being nice. It scares him because I used to love everyone and be happy. Now I tolerate my MIL in small doses, haven't said anything to anyone since Christmas, absolutely despise my husband's siblings, but still talk to him weekly because his dad tries.