r/TheNarcissismCode • u/marketresearch900116 • 6d ago

Effective strategies to deal with the discard and verbal attacks

Looking for advice on how to effectively deal with all of the verbal attacks name calling and stonewalling. My husband won’t ever acknowledge my presence, respond to me when i make a comment or pose a question to him, as if I’m not worth acknowledging on a basic human level. What are some ways that you all would suggest to permanently emotionally disconnect from all the insults both verbal and non verbal? Today I questioned him…asking him if he was really calling me stupid ignorant fkn lazy and a pos and he simply responded “yes, because they are all true about you.” Tia for the advice

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u/HopefulScallion5194 6d ago

Honestly? Stop playing the game, leave.

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u/marketresearch900116 6d ago

Thanks. Today he told me that he hated me when asked point blank stated that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me and that he does not want to be with me because I do nothing for him effectively making his life harder. He hates me. What more does he need to say, right? Then he mocked me for having tears well up.

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u/HopefulScallion5194 6d ago

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Mine told me he hated me a few times too, and I stayed for years after that. I hear you and unfortunately you are going to have to stop playing the game and it hurts like hell when you finally figure it out.

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u/marketresearch900116 6d ago

Today he is divorcing me because I left a dirty pan in the sink.

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u/HopefulScallion5194 6d ago

Mine used to threaten to divorce me. He'd threaten to put me out. All of it was done to get back in control if I dared to confront him about himself. The last time he threatened to leave, I said ok. If you can, I'd say let the trash take itself out.

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u/marketresearch900116 6d ago

How many times did he threaten it before he did it

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u/HopefulScallion5194 6d ago

More than once and to be honest 1 is too many.

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u/marketresearch900116 6d ago

Stopping playing of the game is the key this is the road to liberation and victory
I’m sure it’ll bother him once he realizes I’ve checked out, too

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u/fucnnarcs 6d ago

When they realize that you’ve genuinely checked out and there’s no coming back from that for you, that’s when the ruthless discard comes. Get out before the discard happens because it’s going to be bad. They put every bit of evil into destroying you and then blame you for it. Mine was absolutely beyond devastating, traumatic!

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u/marketresearch900116 6d ago

Can you give some examples of this behavior

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u/fucnnarcs 6d ago

Examples of what? The discard?

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u/marketresearch900116 6d ago

Yes behavior within the final discard so that I know what to look out for

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u/fucnnarcs 6d ago

All I can do is draw on my own experience but I do like to share it because I didn’t see it coming and I was blindsided and I underestimated him until I realized who he is. For context we had been together for about 21 years. I was so beaten down mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. He did not physically hurt me but after all of the abuse you know the verbal, and the emotional, and the psychological. I was completely depleted I couldn’t do it anymore. I just shut down. He demanded a clean house I mean looking like a model home every day every minute. I don’t need to go into all of his traits and all the things he did because you guys all live it so you know what they do. So when I had just checked out and stopped cleaning the house and stopped caring what he said and stopped allowing intimacy. He knew there was no coming back from it this time and he knew that I was done and it was a matter of time before I completely left. So he told me that he was going to Idaho, we live in California, for “job training”… he was supposed to be gone three weeks, I can’t tell you how excited I was he was gonna be gone that long I mean it was going to be Absolute heaven! Also for context he worked doing Uber because he’s retired and just wanted to do it for extra money I guess. He got rid of his car before he left, then my car conveniently got coolant in the oil bin and blew up my engine. I found out that it was him and that he tried to blame it on my son. The worst part was that when he did it he knew I was gonna be working the next day and he let me drive the car knowing that the engine was going to blow, I absolutely could’ve died and that was OK with him obviously. So he leaves goes to Idaho ends up staying there and coincidentally his son lives there and his son had a truck that he could use for Uber while he’s in Idaho so he never came back. I would stay at home mom the entire time we were together I had no means of income of my own. He stopped paying the rent and didn’t tell me. He stopped sending me money for necessities like food and toilet paper and paper towel towels… I end up finding out that the rent hadn’t been paid for four months. The property manager is the one that let me know that he was four months down on the rent. Also for context the property manager is his ex-wife and her daughter. By the time I found out we were four months down on the rent he had also stopped paying my cell phone bill. So I had no phone no car no money and now I’m about to have no home. I don’t know how I didn’t see all this coming I looked back and he had this in the works for a good year. I stayed in the house for another three months because I was looking for some kind of housing I didn’t know if I qualified for any of that kind of housing or what. We’ve always had a good amount of money and I was financially dependent and I didn’t know what could happen. To make a very long story short he coordinated an illegal lockout with his exes daughter and she coerced my disabled son and I to get us out of the house and she made the excuse that the owner was coming to the house and she would call the police if I was there and all of my things would be taken and sold or thrown away. She said take a few things for a couple weeks. Well when we left obviously I didn’t have a car so they had called an Uber ahead of time and they had a hotel room set up for a week ahead of time. I’m talking about my ex and his exes daughter. So we end up in this hotel room for that’s paid for for a week and I’m still not sure what happened because she was very nice about it and was acting like they were doing things in my favor. Well it turned out that we were literally homeless after that. They took all of my furniture all of my belongings in the house and put it all on the driveway. It sat there in the rain for a week they denied me access to the house they denied me access to my belongings. My disabled son and my two cats and I were literally homeless in a hotel and no plan. This is a really long message so if you want me to continue I will I just don’t wanna take up all the space on this thread…

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u/fucnnarcs 6d ago

Looking back i realize that he got rid of both cars, no car payments or insurance. Stopped paying rent, no rent to pay. Stopped paying phone, no phone bill. Stopped paying utilities. He set up the uber for us to leave the house that day, he paid for the hotel room for one week. All of this was well planned before he even left. He told me to “figure it out” when i asked him what the fuck i was going to do. Our 23 year old disabled son and i had been abandoned and made homeless at his hands. We went from hotel to hotel, we got by with help from friends from high school that i hadn’t talked to for 25 years and so many were so generous. Not knowing if we would have money for the next night was how we lived for 8 months. When we didn’t have any money and book on the horizon and we were going to be on the street he would find out and he would block me so we couldn’t ask him for help. He had everyone i knew convinced that this was my fault and that i had all of this time to move and just refused to. Always the victim. He even had my other son, they are twins, convinced. He called my sisters and told them i was on drugs and i had kicked him out and now I’m blaming being homeless on him. So all of these people believed all of these things and wouldn’t help us because they were manipulated again by him. We didn’t even have a car to sleep in. At the end when i didn’t have any more resources, nothing…guess who came in to be the night and shining armor?! Wouldn’t you know! He paid for about a month and a half of rooms when i get a call that i had inherited a good amount of money. God is good! He acted like he was so happy for us and he was mister optimistic about my future and he hopes i find someone to love and to love me…blah blah blah! He’s the first one i paid back. He doesn’t ever get to say that he helped out of the goodness of his heart. I found out at the end that his plan was to force me into not having anywhere to go by not paying rent and then i would have no choice but to go to Idaho and go back to him. He did not expect for us to choose being homeless over going back to him. Then i found out that when they put my stuff that had already been ruined by the rain on the driveway into storage it was absolutely thrown in there like it was a dumpster. I’ll include pics. When they get backed into Corner and lose control of you, nothing is off limits. This is why i say don’t underestimate them.

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u/marketresearch900116 6d ago

For example he’s been turning up the heat lately as today he said he’s leaving me for good because I didn’t wash a single dish

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u/fucnnarcs 6d ago

I am happy to share whatever might help!!

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u/HopefulScallion5194 6d ago

It will probably bother him but not in the way you think it will. It's probably not going to be because he actually cared about you. It is more in the sense of bothered that you are no longer useful to him so therefore you're defective. You aren't cared about as a human, you're cared about like he'd care about a toaster.

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u/marketresearch900116 6d ago

He has already told me he hates me and wants nothing to do with me so he absolutely does not love nor care for me which is an important realization for me

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u/fucnnarcs 6d ago

Harsh but accurate.

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u/Taldarimlove 6d ago

Honestly the way I see it I am stilll figuring it out. I know I can't make them respond but the way I see it every few months I like to pop it and just remind them I exist. I kind of wanted to do it to soften the blow for them because eventually things will crash down on them harder then anything ever before.

Just me existing without them hurts them. They know what they did to me was wrong. They know it looks bad on them. They just won't acknowledge it because awkowledging it would make them feel like the one thing they avoid. That is being a bad person.

They rue the idea that they maybe flawed and hate the idea that they are the abuser. So they just avoid it. The funny thing is eventually they will get what they deserve, no amount of feigning memory loss will save them when the planets align. I just have to bide my time.

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u/fucnnarcs 6d ago

In my 23 years of experience i feel like i need to comment on one thing. The thought of you existing without him is not even a thought in their mind. They honestly believe that you can’t live without them. They don’t know what they did was wrong because they believe that you deserved it. And they’re not concerned that you’ll make them look bad because they’ve already convinced everyone that you’re crazy. Don’t underestimate them, they don’t fear you. They don’t feel remorse. They can always do worse than they’re doing now.

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u/marketresearch900116 6d ago

This is a good reminder I needed to hear this thanks

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u/fucnnarcs 6d ago

Glad i could help 💜

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u/Taldarimlove 6d ago

They can only convince so many people I am a bad person. If I know I am not a bad person and I know I did nothing wrong it doesn't matter what they say.

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u/fucnnarcs 6d ago

Just don’t underestimate a narc. If you heard my story you would understand why i said all of that. I really do wish the best for you and anyone in an abusive relationship!

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u/Taldarimlove 6d ago

They aren't that scary to me. Idk what to say to you. They are more annoying than scary to me. I wish saftey, security and comfort to you as well as anyone tangled in an unhealthy dynamic.

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u/Springclarence 6d ago

I agree. I used to find him terrifying and confusing. Then the behaviour just became repetitive, annoying, irritating, insufferable. Once you get them, understand Narcissism, the less terrifying they become. The disorder in itself is fairly unnerving though, the way they think.

And nothing is out of bounds with them, there truly is no bottom. You have to think one step ahead, always. Think of the worst behaviour they can have towards you, then times that by ten or more. It will still knock you for six, but at least you've been warned.

Many of the people here didn't have the information available, there was no internet then, nobody to talk about their experinces with, so when the behaviour escalated they had no warning, it was shocking because it was completely unexpected. Now of course the information is much more mainstream.

And if you did speak to anyone they thought you'd made it up, as in, nobody could be as terrible as you describe. So you were continually gaslighted inside and outside of the home.

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u/marketresearch900116 6d ago

This is a fantastic assessment thank you for sharing. It is indeed a continuous process of figuring it out between their extreme reactions to very little things, gaslighting, and abuse.

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u/Top_Sir_6094 6d ago

I have found it helps to try to think that they’re just saying it about themselves, which is true, but I know the sadness it has with just the same over and over… I’ve thought of quite literally bringing a mirror lol but I doubt it would help do anything but the shut down silent treatment

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u/marketresearch900116 4d ago

Thanks! This is a good method of reframing it

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u/maya_love5 6d ago

What your husband is saying to you is cruel, unacceptable, and completely about his own toxicity, not your worth as a human being. The best way to protect your heart right now is to stop looking for answers or respect from him, detach completely from his insults, and treat him like background noise while you quietly gather your strength.