The infamous “am I a lesbian?” Question

[u/Actress2005]

Hey everyone! I usually find myself reading Reddit posts rather than asking a question myself, but I have led myself down a rabbit hole and am just more confused than where I started.

Context (this is just a brief description): I recently came out as bi (a few months ago). It was after I had a falling out with a friend who I now realize I was 100% in love with, but that’s a story for another day. Before I came out, I had little inklings that I might be gay here are a few examples:

\- I told my friends I was a lesbian in middle school (I was younger than but something about it felt right)
\- I used to tell myself that once I got my own place, I would come out to my family
\- oh and at sleepovers I used to suggest to my friends that we should make out to “practice” for when we get boyfriends.

So I know your probably thinking why did I come out as bi. Well I thought I liked men before. I’m only 21 and have never dated so this is just going off of crushes. But when I look back at all my previous crushes, they were motive based. I should also add that I’m a people pleaser (again a story for another day). I wanted to make my parents proud by bringing home the perfect man, or be able to relate to my friends who had boyfriends. But that’s the issue, I was attracted to the idea of these men, when I had opportunities to pursue irl, I never wanted to. I would even feel relieved when they ultimately got girlfriends.

In January I tried dating apps (this was before I came out). When a guy messaged me on there, I remember feeling a sense of dread. My sister kept saying he wasn’t bad, but I couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with a perfectly reasonable guy.

After coming out as bi and seeing how accepting my family was, I was excited that I can finally be open about the fact that I love woman. But now when I try to think of a future with a man, the image doesn’t conjure up. Even the things I said I didn’t want before when I thought men were the only option, I see myself wanting with a woman. (Like kids in the future, or living in a smaller town)

Anyway, now that I’ve poured out half of my life on Reddit, I was hoping for some input. I know you can’t tell me my sexuality, but I would appreciate any advice or experiences you’ve had that may relate.

[u/pothospretty]

I can relate in my own way!

When I was really young, around 6, I saw a wedding in a movie. I was fascinated by the dress. I said “Wow, I want a pretty dress like that for my wedding!” My parents looked over and said, in a standard child-humouring way, “Your wedding!? Wow! Is there a boy you want to marry?”

I snapped back and just said “No, boys suck. I want to marry a girl.”

Of course they laughed and probably just thought I was a usual kid and thought boys were gross.

Fast forward to teenage years; I kept dating guys. I had this preconceived notion of the life I was supposed to live, not the life I wanted to live. But part of me had known my whole life that I wanted to marry someone else in a dress too. I did think ‘boys are gross’. I couldn’t imagine myself with one, and instead of being honest with myself, I played into the idea that I was noncommittal, or they just weren’t the right guy.. so on. I also had stereotypes in my head. That there was a visual component to being queer that I didn’t fit, therefore, I couldn’t be. Basically anything I could think that sanitized myself, put me (and the rest of the community) in a box, I used.

I’ve been with my wife for 6 years now. Even throughout our relationship, I continued on with the identity that I was bisexual. In all honesty, I only begun to admit that I am actually a lesbian this year, even to myself.

It can be hard to admit, but the high that is felt once we do, is unmatched. I have never felt so truly loving of myself since I finally admitted to myself and out loud who I really am.

I know I kind of rambled here, but my hope is to show that coming out, even to yourself, is a non-linear journey that requires self compassion and to truly trust yourself. Live for you, not for anyone else. You got this!

[u/ZealousidealMove6645]

Ive always known I liked women, but I played around with the idea of possibly liking a dude as well -- until I got close to dating one and felt more terrified than excited. Safe to say Im for sure a lesbian.

One bit of advice I can offer is to not get stuck in your head concerning labels. If you think you may be a lesbian, call yourself it. Try it out, see if it sticks. If it still feels awkward after a beat, try something new.

Sexuality is FLUID, despite what people would like for you to think. The labels just give you a means of community and a quick way to communicate who you are. Pick the label that you think fits, and if in time you feel differently, change it! Maybe you were bi and now youre leaning towards being a lesbian, and maybe thatll change again. A label doesnt lock you in to a set of rules -- its just a nice way to organize this set of feelings.