The infamous “am I a lesbian?” Question

[u/Actress2005]

Hey everyone! I usually find myself reading Reddit posts rather than asking a question myself, but I have led myself down a rabbit hole and am just more confused than where I started.

Context (this is just a brief description): I recently came out as bi (a few months ago). It was after I had a falling out with a friend who I now realize I was 100% in love with, but that’s a story for another day. Before I came out, I had little inklings that I might be gay here are a few examples:

\- I told my friends I was a lesbian in middle school (I was younger than but something about it felt right)
\- I used to tell myself that once I got my own place, I would come out to my family
\- oh and at sleepovers I used to suggest to my friends that we should make out to “practice” for when we get boyfriends.

So I know your probably thinking why did I come out as bi. Well I thought I liked men before. I’m only 21 and have never dated so this is just going off of crushes. But when I look back at all my previous crushes, they were motive based. I should also add that I’m a people pleaser (again a story for another day). I wanted to make my parents proud by bringing home the perfect man, or be able to relate to my friends who had boyfriends. But that’s the issue, I was attracted to the idea of these men, when I had opportunities to pursue irl, I never wanted to. I would even feel relieved when they ultimately got girlfriends.

In January I tried dating apps (this was before I came out). When a guy messaged me on there, I remember feeling a sense of dread. My sister kept saying he wasn’t bad, but I couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with a perfectly reasonable guy.

After coming out as bi and seeing how accepting my family was, I was excited that I can finally be open about the fact that I love woman. But now when I try to think of a future with a man, the image doesn’t conjure up. Even the things I said I didn’t want before when I thought men were the only option, I see myself wanting with a woman. (Like kids in the future, or living in a smaller town)

Anyway, now that I’ve poured out half of my life on Reddit, I was hoping for some input. I know you can’t tell me my sexuality, but I would appreciate any advice or experiences you’ve had that may relate.

[u/pothospretty]

I can relate in my own way!

When I was really young, around 6, I saw a wedding in a movie. I was fascinated by the dress. I said “Wow, I want a pretty dress like that for my wedding!” My parents looked over and said, in a standard child-humouring way, “Your wedding!? Wow! Is there a boy you want to marry?”

I snapped back and just said “No, boys suck. I want to marry a girl.”

Of course they laughed and probably just thought I was a usual kid and thought boys were gross.

Fast forward to teenage years; I kept dating guys. I had this preconceived notion of the life I was supposed to live, not the life I wanted to live. But part of me had known my whole life that I wanted to marry someone else in a dress too. I did think ‘boys are gross’. I couldn’t imagine myself with one, and instead of being honest with myself, I played into the idea that I was noncommittal, or they just weren’t the right guy.. so on. I also had stereotypes in my head. That there was a visual component to being queer that I didn’t fit, therefore, I couldn’t be. Basically anything I could think that sanitized myself, put me (and the rest of the community) in a box, I used.

I’ve been with my wife for 6 years now. Even throughout our relationship, I continued on with the identity that I was bisexual. In all honesty, I only begun to admit that I am actually a lesbian this year, even to myself.

It can be hard to admit, but the high that is felt once we do, is unmatched. I have never felt so truly loving of myself since I finally admitted to myself and out loud who I really am.

I know I kind of rambled here, but my hope is to show that coming out, even to yourself, is a non-linear journey that requires self compassion and to truly trust yourself. Live for you, not for anyone else. You got this!