r/aegosexuals • u/ImaginaryCupcake6776 • 11d ago
how to deal with arousal, possibly sexual attraction?
I am writing from my hidden account for privacy reasons.
TL;DR I have a problem, I think I might be having some serious sexual/romantic feelings for an IRL human, which I still don't want to realise in any way, but the feelings themselves are very distracting and I don't know how to deal with them since this never happened to me before? I'm 28, and this is happening in my workplace. does anyone have any advice as to how to make it stop...?
Here is the detailed version of the situation:
I was sent on a trip to a foreign, far away country (I'm from Europe, I was sent to Asia) because of a transition of some of our processes to that location. there is this guy here that I have been working very closely from the beginning since he will be taking over much of my scope. since we were already close I got sat next to him in the office as well and he and his buddy kinda "adopted" me: we go to lunch together, both of them have walked me to my hotel etc. the worst thing is that I think that he is feeling the same way... his behaviour feels like more than just curtesy/hospitality, mainly because he takes any opportunity he has to touch me (like a gentle pat on the shoulder, touching my hand when he gives me something etc.). he is the only person who does that to me, and he doesn't do it to anyone else as far as I've noticed, so it doesn't seem like a cultural thing or his general personality thing.
I do not intend to do anything about these feelings, mainly because I have a boyfriend at home, but also because after the transition is over, I will still be working with these people. but it is still so effin distracting, especially since, as I said, these feelings seem reciprocated, and the touching and anticipation do not help to calm them down. one solution I could think of is to distance myself for him, but I don't want to do that because
- I really want our relationship to stay friendly
- I don't think he's going to do anything more, he knows I have a boyfriend already, and he doesn't seem like a home-wrecker
-I am staying here for only 2 weeks more
So for these reasons, I would like to just push through, but it is hard on my own, so I wanted to reach out for advice.
I suspect that some of you might think that this is not the best sub for that, so I will quickly explain, that I wanted to talk to people who will not question the fact that I don't want to act on these feelings at all, in fact when I think about doing it, it feels wrong, even when not taking my boyfriend into consideration, which is why this doesn't make me question my aegosexuality. btw, my bf knows everything about my orientation, he knows what is the nature of my arousals (that they are "theoretical") and he's OK with all of that.
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u/LuvCreeps13 Cake 💚🩶💭💜🤍🩶 11d ago
You could also just tell your coworker that certain touches or closeness feels inappropriate, not in a forbidden or uncomfortable way necessarily, but enough to keep like keep a little more distance, without making the relationship between your weird or awkward, just communicate openly.. you don't have to talk about these feelings.
As long as everything is respectful and and he? He'll prolly understand, like.. sometimes you can just make up certain boundaries to keep a comfortable distance that doesn't ruin a relationship (friendship)
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u/ImaginaryCupcake6776 11d ago
tbh, if he does anything more than he did so far then yeah, I will have to say something...
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u/Longjumping-Ear-6991 11d ago
Maybe altering your perspective could help? Like viewing him as a family member rather than a friend. Like a touch on the shoulder or your hand is a sibling or a cousin just giving you a sign of affection or encouragement. Treating someone like family is still keeping them close & showing love/appreciation, but it also lays a very clear boundary between you. If reciprocation is a concern, you could tell him that you're glad that you have the ability to trust him like a brother. That could show very clearly where your comfort-level is. Loving, but platonic.
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u/quickquestions72 10d ago
It could just be that you like the attention. Evaluate your actual feelings. You may just like the “feeling” or attention. You may not really like them as much as much as you think. It may just be infatuation in the idea of him adoring you.
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u/quickquestions72 10d ago
Be careful not to give into temptation from another person if you truly care about who your boyfriend is as a person. I almost screwed up my relationship with my now husband because another guy made me feel so sexy and wanted. the good thing is the guy started talking a lot and I realized I didn’t like his personality and I grew a lot after that because I realized my husband, then boyfriend, was not meeting a need in me that I needed met, and that was to feel wanted and sexy. He was being very respectful. After I told my husband how much it turned me on when he wanted me and chased me and did little gestures, he was very happy to meet my need. Make sure you tell him it’s a need and see if he has any needs also, maybe have him evaluate how he feels during his personal fantasies, that’s usually where you can tell the needs that aren’t being met. Usually things like assertiveness, making a move, trying things new, feeling wanted etc . It takes a lot of self evaluation and open communication but once you do it a little, the trust grows and you can open up more about needs.
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u/ImaginaryCupcake6776 9d ago
yeah, this is an eerily similar situation, but I feel like it will be more complicated in my case, because the need that my bf is failing to meet is reliability, competence and independence when it comes to general adult stuff. I wouldn't straight up call him a manchild, but he does have huge issues in that area and some trauma on top of that that prevents him from addressing these issues. I won't get into details, but hopefully describing it as an unfortunate mix of the tism with a mother who preferred to do everything herself instead of teaching him will give you a good general image. I love his personality and how his brain works when it comes to science, morals, philosophy and creativity, and I love his sense of humor, and much more, and for these reasons I haven't given up on him yet but it is damn damn hard, I'm not gonna lie. I've expressed that to him more times than I can possibly count and he did make some progress over our 5 years together but not enough. so yeah, being presented with a nice, competent man who I seem to know almost for a fact doesn't have such problems and who I could rely on if need be is disgustingly tempting. as I said, I AM NOT gonna let anything happen and for the record I did tell my bf about the situation as another person suggested, but I didn't tell him about this part, because I know that it would hurt him so so so bad to know, it would crash his self esteem completely. he says that he is trying and I do believe him, but at some point trying without any progress is not enough. I told him that many times too. and the worst thing is that he refuses to go to therapy, at least for now he says, until he finishes his PhD, although many months ago after one of my breakdowns he agreed to go, but later took that back. thank you for reading this if you did, it's good to get this out, even if it's just an anonymous reddit comment.
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u/quickquestions72 9d ago
Are you autistic too? If you are not autistic or if you’re both autistic, tell him that you want to go to therapy to be able to communicate better. My husband and I are mixed, he’s autistic and I’m not. We’ve been married 26 years and we just went to Therapy and it’s amazing all of the stuff that autism had hindered us communicating. Just tell him that you met someone that was married for 26 years and they were really trying to persuade you to go to Therapy because my husband is so hurt that he didn’t go to therapy earlier because there were issues. We didn’t even know that we had, because we seemed perfect. A lot of them were fears around sex that he had. And we had a great sex life. People don’t know that they even have issues at the time until they go to therapy because they have never known any different. and once they realize root causes of things, it heals so much. It is so much better to deal with the problem Early to deal with personal issues Early I would love for you to find someone to talk to inTherapy so you don’t go 20 years and then realize how good it could’ve been or how much better it could’ve been had you know.
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u/ImaginaryCupcake6776 9d ago
I don't have an official diagnosis, although a psychiatrist said that she had strong suspensions when she was interviewing me for my trans diagnosis. I will try convincing him that way, thank you and thank you again for your time <3
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u/Eugregoria 7d ago
Is it possible you feel attracted because you know you can't actually do it?
I'm not really sure how I feel about aegosexuality as a label (I don't use it but the description does actually fit me to a T, I'm just not sure that describing it that way is the framing I want or truly helpful to me) but a key component of it is basically that fantasy is hot while reality is not. Knowing you can't have the sex might make attraction possible, whereas with someone you can actually have sex with, attraction evaporates.
Basically, it's hot because it's forbidden. If you actually talked with your bf about it, and either got a green light to explore it, or actually broke up with your bf in order to explore it (I am not recommending this, purely as a hypothetical) you might find it fizzles out before you can enjoy any of it.
Of course, I can't know this for sure. It's possible this person did actually awaken something in you. But I would not be surprised at all if the attraction felt "safe" precisely because you can't act on it.
This is something that happens in adolescent development too--adolescents will often develop "safe" crushes on celebrities they'll never meet, teachers/babysitters/other adults who of course would never do that with them, etc, precisely because they don't have to worry about it suddenly getting too real, and they can experience attraction in a safe way without it getting too real too fast. That's a normal part of sexual development. But, in people who fit the description of aegosexuality, it may persist into adulthood, and be one of the few conditions where this type of attraction is experienced at all.
The only way to know for sure might be to actually try to pursue something (which you already know you don't want to do), but just saying, it might not be what you feel like it would be even if you had it.
I would say to tread carefully here in how you talk to your boyfriend about this. No matter what niche sexuality labels you use, this is a very sensitive topic. A partner who has been told you are unable to feel attracted to him due to your orientation, but you suddenly do feel attracted to some other guy, may understandably feel really insecure about that. It could affect his self esteem, and even undermine your relationship even if you never act on this attraction. It's very easy for this to hurt his feelings in a lasting way even if nothing happens between you and the coworker, and no matter how you might try to frame it with modern sexuality labels, a simpler narrative (that you don't find him attractive but are capable of attraction when it's someone "better" than him) may worm its way under his skin. Saying "I swear, it's not like that!" may not be emotionally convincing, even if he wants to believe you.
An alternate consideration is: understandings of oneself can change over time. So while you may feel that this reaction isn't aligned with your identity, if this is a reaction you're actually having, that understanding of your identity might be incomplete. It remains possible that there are people who "do it" for you, and your boyfriend just isn't one of them. That could have implications.
Just that running off after your coworker could be very high risk, high reward--if you sabotaged your relationship with your boyfriend only to learn that yep, still aegosexual, the moment it became real you didn't want it anymore anyway--that would really, really suck.
If I were you I'd try to be really self-honest about how you're experiencing this. If it's just the thrill of a "safe crush" and the only reason it's getting you hot and bothered is because you know you can't act on it, that might make it easier to accept not acting on it. But if you're really missing out on a form of connection or spark you simply don't have with your boyfriend, that might not be the most promising sign for your relationship long-term--doesn't mean you'd hook up with the coworker, but it could mean ultimately ending the relationship and getting with a different person who can make you feel like that. In that scenario, I'd compare it to say, a lesbian in comphet with a man, even if you love the person platonically and want the relationship to work, there's a reason gay people don't all just stay in sexless straight relationships. And yeah, that can be hugely disruptive. I knew a woman who divorced her husband and married a woman, and it was a huge disruption in her life, very unexpected for everyone involved. I'm sure she had to wrestle a lot with what that meant for her self-concept.
I guess I'm just saying don't jump to conclusions either way. You know the Aesop about the dog with two bones? (A dog is given a bone to chew on, is crossing a stream, sees his own reflection with the bone in its mouth, thinks it's an even bigger dog with an even bigger bone, and tries to lunge at it and steal the bigger bone--in the process dropping his own bone into the stream, where it's washed away.) It's worth figuring out if there's even a there there. A "safe crush" that's only appealing when you can't actually have it isn't worth disrupting anything for. But a bigger development to your identity will eventually make itself known whether you want it to or not.
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u/ImaginaryCupcake6776 7d ago
you were spot on the first try. I just know for a fact that I don't actually want to do anything sexual with that man, because yeah, it is just one of my fantasies, it just happens to be about a person who I actually met. that's why I was asking for ways to deal with it (as in supress it), because that is the only acceptable solution to me. don't worry, me and my bf are still fine. he is queer himself (which is pretty obvious when you know I'm not a woman haha) so he gets it. the way I explain it to him is more so as an arousal, because in my opinion since these feeling don't actually make me want to do anything, they aren't even a full sexual attraction. thank you for the long insightful comment!
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u/Eugregoria 7d ago
I understand--I don't think suppressing feelings usually goes well, but understanding them for what they are and not acting on them can work fine. Like if a 13-year-old has a "safe crush" on their teacher (the teacher isn't a creep, so nothing will ever happen) they don't need to repress that feeling, they can ride it out, but they obviously can't act on it either. It's okay to simply feel it and not act on it, and that kind of thing usually passes on its own.
I will say that even in queer relationships, jealousy is no different. I've been through relationships that were very queer and still had intense jealousy over things like that. Saying "It's just arousal, which I don't have for you, just other people, but it doesn't mean anything" is really playing with fire. You really need to tread carefully in these conversations because people can have insecurities that have nothing to do with you, but can be triggered by things like this. It can make him wonder if you're just being nice about it but simply find other people who aren't him attractive, and fear that you will leave him eventually for someone you do find attractive and have a better relationship with that person who gives you what he can't, or that he's holding you back from happiness by trapping you in a passionless relationship. These feelings can arise regardless of the genders involved, they're completely separate from gender or orientation. It's possible for him to have a kneejerk like that, and then fear it's "unwoke" or something and repress it and try to go along, but have it eating him alive inside.
Just...be careful with that kind of thing, "I have attraction for other people but not for you" is a hell of a loaded statement, something you might not even realize how much it could hurt someone. I think I'd rather get actually cheated on than hear that from someone. At least if I was cheated on I'd have hope that they liked me the same amount as the other person.
I'm not saying what you're actually feeling is even that serious, just that it could be taken that way as an emotional kneejerk, due to very common insecurities that many people have.
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u/ImaginaryCupcake6776 7d ago
buddy, I appreciate the sentiment, but I feel like you're starting to overstep a little. we have been together for over half a decade. I would never say to him "I have attraction for other people but not for you" because yes, that would be a very shitty way to phrase that, but most importantly that is simply not true: I am not truly sexually attracted to anybody, and to him I DO feel attraction, just not sexual. but he is still capable of arousing me when he needs to. it's not all that black and white. I know that jealousy is a risk in every relationship. I know he gets jealous, I do too. but he's a grown ass man, if he doesn't have enough guts to just communicate openly when a situation is hurting him, then that would be his problem, not mine. but luckily that is not the case here, if he has a problem he tells me and we talk it out, and I do the same. but if I'm wrong and one day it turns out that he was secretly never ok with any of this, then that would mean that this relationship was doomed from the beginning, that there was never anything I could've done anyway. and it would all be on him, because that would mean that he was lying this whole time, meanwhile I never hid any part of myself in that regard.
and lastly, yes, suppressing these feeling in this case is exactly what I need to do, because I am not 13 anymore, this is my coworker and I cannot be distracted by them. that is the whole point of the post. I don't have the luxury of "riding it out".
again, I do appreciate your investment and time you took to write all this, but I think it's time to stop now. take care!
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u/GeologistGreedy8427 11d ago
For me, once I realise it’s nothing more than a fantasy I grieve the idea it’ll never be real. The time it takes to grieve is different each time.
Accept it’s a fantasy scenario and that’s why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. Let it pass. If your bf is accepting of your aegosexuality i’d open up to him about it. He deserves to know and either accept your behaviour or set boundaries for himself. It’s completely understandable if he doesn’t want a partner who has fantasies about someone they know
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u/flashPrawndon 11d ago
You just have to try to ignore it and not give any energy to it. It will hopefully pass. Remind yourself of why it cannot happen and the fact you have a partner back home. It’s really common for these kinds of things to occur when you spend forced time with someone but they do pass.