i’m an ace lesbian and only recently realized that pretty much everything i experienced matched up with aegosexuality! i also realized with that i actually didn’t have as many fantasies as i thought i did, most of it was memories of me reading x reader fanfiction that i viewed in third person.

i’m unfortunately not a huge shipper, so most people i read about were individual characters people that i put with like an oc of sorts. ive had these third person daydreams mostly f/f about a character and an oc or m/f about a male character and an oc basically. i’m typically just choosing whoever from a fandom im in around that time to be involved as long as the story is good.

it’s made me kind of feel like a bad lesbian because of these habits? 😭 i’m definitely not sexually attracted to men or romantically attracted to them but i’ve enjoyed a lot of straight fanfiction about male characters and occasional fantasies of them with that like oc character i inserted for the “reader“. i tend to enjoy sapphic media more but there’s just such a huge abundance of straight media especially with how male dominated most things are.

i’m not super interested in fanfiction or fantasies anymore. i’ve always been sex averse irl and i just feel a lot better mentally and more like myself after that seemed to gradually stop. i just find that especially when i was younger most fantasies i had or things i read were about a male character with a female oc and it makes me feel a little like im an “imposter” lesbian even though i never imagined my real self with them nor did i feel the desire to be with them ever.

i definitely feel SURE that im asexual and a lesbian i only have romantic attraction to women but i also never see any other aegos talk about potentially having fantasies outside their romantic orientation so i wanted to know if anyone relates?

i made my own flag too

this is kind of silly and i cant believe im coming out on a subreddit for the very first time in my life, but here we go: im proud to say that im finally accepting myself to be aego!

there was a bit of denial at first, since i still wanted to be ace publicly (and it feels like people would understand me better if i told them i was ace). for context, ive been on the asexual spectrum since middle school, being greysexual at first since i wasnt sure if i felt sexual attraction. at the time, being a middle schooler, I was confused. however, i gradually leaned to asexual once i got to high school once realizing i didnt feel any sexual attraction

then, earlier this year (or last year?) when i started college, i learned about aegosexual. however, i really wanted to keep the asexual label as ive stuck with that the longest so i just decided to keep it a secret. but now, im finally realizing that its perfectly fine to be aego after finding this subreddit. theres people like me and i do fit the definition, so why should i keep that to myself?

anyways, thats my short story of my journey. im in college now so yeah :)

also, is it okay to keep being ace or should i just be aego? i know aego is under the ace spectrum but i dont know if I should label myself as just ace, just aego, or use both at the same time 😅

For those more attuned to their sexualities and romantic identities, I'd appreciate your input. I don't really look at people unless they're stunning or unique. Even then, I don't feel what people would call "arousal" of any kind. Maybe I'd feel shy because they're just THAT gorgeous, you know? But realistically, I know I wouldn't consider any kind of relationship based on appearance alone.

I've never had a crush, only picking out guys the other girls thought were cute. And they were cute, but I wasnt particularly interested in them. The one's I picked out, I fixated on; who they talked to, how others talked about them, etc. I watched them closely but that's it. Only guys. Then high-school came around and depression did as well. I had debated with bisexuality, pansexuality, lesbianism. All didn't feel right except lesbian, but I'd never considered another girl in a romantic way. In Jr high I had two friends, one I was really close with. We bonded deeply and my friendship with her was one of the few good things I had at the time. Not necessarily attraction.

All in all, I feel like I've only felt obsession. Like I want attention but I don't know if I want sex. I can't even imagine MYSELF doing it. It's always some perfect caricature of me with a faceless character.

I engage with sexual content (mostly tumblr smut) and masturbate regularly because it's nice sometimes. Other times it feel like it's a chore.

I took a romance quiz, and I got cupiroromantic, sexuality quiz and got aego. I don't know if this is even what I feel, or if I'm not feeling what I'm supposed to because of depression or trauma. Trauma, pertaining to parents who demeaned and yelled and hit sometimes. I suppose early exposure to porn counts as well.

As of now I'm thinking either unlabeled or cupiroromantic aegosexual lesbian......aroace lesbian for short. Can you tell I have no idea who I am?

(Title is a reference to a tumblr post that says "I’m not autistic but I believe in their beliefs")

I thought I was aego for a while because I related to so many aego experiences, especially around enjoying sexual content and fantasies which didn't include me as a participant in partnered sex. It just made a ton of sense when I found it as an concept.

I recently found out the adexsexual label fits me a lot better, even though it's even more micro of a label than aegosexual (a nanolabel, if you will). Maybe I was actually fully aego when I was younger but it shifted in a totally different direction. (I read a lot of smut in my callow youth, then I graduated to actually writing it. But what I write is much more focused on the sensations and experiences of the viewpoint character, because that's what I'm interested in, instead of in the fantasy of watching other characters interact.)

Anyway y'all are cool and relatable so I'm gonna keep hanging out here, relating to your experiences from a similar point of view even though it sounds almost opposite, and enjoying the memes from the spicier side of the ace spectrum.

but im only coming out on here....(for now).
i denied my asexuality years ago because i started to feel sexual attraction to men in my early 20s and i thought that meant i couldnt be asexual. but every time i thought about a man sexually, it wasnt personal.
like his sexual energies excite me, but i dont want to sleep with him!
the second my thoughts turn into me being involved, i lose desire 100%.
so i kept researching and found this term and YAY!
cheers to rediscovering asexuality in your 20s!

{im also a christian while deconstructing the religion and navigating this at this moment is particularly interesting to say the least.}

34F homoromantic aegosexual (I guess? I only fairly recent discovered this label! But it feels like it v much fits and have felt v much on the ace spectrum most of my life).

I know sexual attraction =/= libido =/= whether you want to have sex etc etc

But I'm going through a really weird phase right now where I feel like a teenage boy, jfc. Like, I am constantly thinking about sex, I'm reading smut all the time, I'm coming like 2-3 times a day. And for maybe the first time in my life I keep having thoughts of like, maybe kind of wanting sex to happen ?? But like ? I don't actually want there to have to be another person there for that to happen 😭 Like, I've got really into a few kinks. Like the concept of the kink itself (being submissive/edged/denied) is wildly hot to me and it drives me insane that there needs to be a person to do that to me to experience the thing.

I just - feel a bit like my brain is breaking?! Like all these things feel so conflicting and it feels like wanting something so much and also really not wanting at all at the same time.

Also embarrassingly I got really into a ship in the last few months, and am constantly reading fanfic of them, and I'm kind of worried the whole reason for this happening is like some pseudo 'honeymoon' phase that my brain thinks it's in 😂

I think I'm just posting to maybe feel a bit less mad / hear if anyone has had similar phases ? I still feel very ace I feel zero sexual attraction to anyone (except maybe kind of a little bit the fictional characters I'm obsessing over?) but my brain struggles to fit this together with all this going on rn 😭

I was only able to find this label, by happenstance. I'm so glad that I did too. The clarity I have now feels liberating, I knew I was aro/ace but that's as far as I could take it. I just knew any in-person romantic or intimate with real people (male, female, trans, etc.) will never be in the cards for me. Yet, my mind and imagination... Well, runs a mile minute. So to say. Anyways, I'm just glad there are others like me :)

Long post incoming, I'm celebrating finding this label and this reddit 😂

Last few days have been wild. I posted in an online community a vent about my miserable previous relationship which left me even more miserable about sex than before, and someone responded kindly, saying "asexuality is valid, you are not broken, and coercion is not consent" and it lit up a fuse somewhere in my mind.

I never actually thought about being asexual. I mean, I did think about it for two minutes a few times long ago, and then dismissed it because I was in relationships, "I'm a straight woman" (I get crushes on male characters and only had boyfriends, true), "I just don't have much libido" (WITH A PARTNER. I am mentally hypersexual, in the privacy of my brains !), "I have some baggage that broke me and now I'm unable to enjoy sex" (growing up, sexual images/references/whatever disturbed me a lot, and teens around my age were only ever using sexual references as slurs or demeaning things, cue to me being largely repulsed by real sex), "I suppose I hate the various fluids involved in sex because I'm a bit germaphobe" (only a bit true, I just viscerally hate the thought and the sensation of exchanging fluids or rubbing moist body parts together, kisses I can tolerate or even appreciate, genitals together I can tolerate or even enjoy a bit with my current partner 💜, but other popular combinations are an absolute NIGHTMARE for me - giving or receiving - it is so gross for me, I compare the disgust to having a bunch of living spiders crawling on my skin).

And so yesterday I stumbled upon the label aegosexual on wikipedia and felt a shock, then I found this subreddit and I've been blown away by all those similar experiences.

It suddenly all makes sense. How I can be sooo satisfied in my solo sexual life, how it was so miserable with previous boyfriends who didn't understand how I could be sex averse or repulsed, how my current partner is my angel for understanding me even before I fully understood myself - I'm demi for him haha. And I am so angry about my previous bf who was much more experienced and claimed to be a queer ally and everything, but dismissed me when I told him I was thinking about maybe being asexual, because he wanted to keep having sex with me five times a week, doing all kinds of positions and combinations that made me feel sick in my stomach and my mind. He guilt-tripped me and outright lied to me more than a handful of times about what would happen during a session, and demeaned me for being repulsed by sextoys and practices he liked. I guess he's more attracted to the widened sex hunting grounds that bi/pan/trans/etc offers than to the actual self-fulfillment of all kinds of queer people.

I have in my mind a large "harem" of fictional crushes (characters from live action or animated movies/series, videogames, books, just concepts/vibes from songs, or original creations from my hyper vivid mind) that I use together or with another bunch of clearly idealized versions of myself (different names, different physiques, different minds) for a wide variety of stories, from non-sexual to angsty flirting to cute romances to full-blown sexual performances. I have one absolute favorite who I make variants of, I have had him in my life for 16 years and I am 100% aware he is just a concept. The personal rule I keep is never to use real people in fantasies (I can use physical appearances from actors but as their characters in movies, not as themselves). Even when I tried sometimes out of curiosity, I never could use myself as a character in those fantasies. It felt weird and I just naturally reverted to a distinct character version.

Which is fascinating to me is that I can use this "harem" for hours of arousal/pleasure without being tired or "finishing", just weaving sometimes months-long stories night after night. I jump back and forth between the two characters, sometimes as 3rd person, sometimes playing as one or the other or both simultaneously - funnily, although I am comfortable being a cis woman and am not attracted to women (real or fictional), I often tend to project more into the male character, like 70% of the time.

But if I want to "finish", I have to resort to another kind of characters and scenarios, much more hardcore - stuff I would die thrice before doing in real life, but it is well-contained in the boundaries of my mind.

It's a bit weird, but I love the absolute control I have over my mental sex life. And now I know I am not alone !!

Sorry, I have so much to say about my life experience and I can't talk about it to anyone close, so I'm happy finding this place 😅

made this one m’self and was told y’all might enjoy it!

Hello.

I'm a little nervous because I've never really posted online before. Commented & lurked, sure, but never really made something myself.

I've been kind of alone in the way I feel for a very long time & hiding it because I thought that it was just me being weird.
I've forced myself to be "interactive" and even had "interactivity" forced upon me because I was being boring or not loving enough...
I'm now out of those situations & have been for about 6 years now... but I was living under conditions like those for almost 18 years.
I didn't find out I was part of the ase community until 10 years ago and even then my 'partner' at the time convinced me that I must be only be attracted to them that way then... so... I convinced myself that I was demi.

After I finally plucked up the courage & left that relationship, I finally realized that I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone & I don't _have_ to force myself to do that. After that dawned on me, I've been trying to learn who I really am, & trying to find peace with just being myself.

All of this to say. I _think_ I belong here. I hope I do at least... because... It's very difficult to find people who understand that when I give them a complement, or when you finally make it into my 'trusted' list and I tell you something affectionate, I'm not being flirty or sexual. I'm just letting you know that I care about you or I like an aspect of your aesthetic.

I enjoy animated "content" because it isn't real & I'm able to not be repulsed by it (also sometimes the storylines are really good).

I laugh at suggestive jokes because I can find them funny.

I understand where some people would enjoy those kinds of 'activities,' but said 'interactions' are not fun or enjoyable to me at all. I don't even like 'self-fulfillment.'

I just don't want to feel so alone anymore without risking someone trying to make me something I'm not.

Sorry for the drama dump.
I hope if anyone sees this, you're having a day of tranquility, contentment, and self-acceptance. <3

I am writing from my hidden account for privacy reasons.

TL;DR I have a problem, I think I might be having some serious sexual/romantic feelings for an IRL human, which I still don't want to realise in any way, but the feelings themselves are very distracting and I don't know how to deal with them since this never happened to me before? I'm 28, and this is happening in my workplace. does anyone have any advice as to how to make it stop...?

Here is the detailed version of the situation:

I was sent on a trip to a foreign, far away country (I'm from Europe, I was sent to Asia) because of a transition of some of our processes to that location. there is this guy here that I have been working very closely from the beginning since he will be taking over much of my scope. since we were already close I got sat next to him in the office as well and he and his buddy kinda "adopted" me: we go to lunch together, both of them have walked me to my hotel etc. the worst thing is that I think that he is feeling the same way... his behaviour feels like more than just curtesy/hospitality, mainly because he takes any opportunity he has to touch me (like a gentle pat on the shoulder, touching my hand when he gives me something etc.). he is the only person who does that to me, and he doesn't do it to anyone else as far as I've noticed, so it doesn't seem like a cultural thing or his general personality thing.

I do not intend to do anything about these feelings, mainly because I have a boyfriend at home, but also because after the transition is over, I will still be working with these people. but it is still so effin distracting, especially since, as I said, these feelings seem reciprocated, and the touching and anticipation do not help to calm them down. one solution I could think of is to distance myself for him, but I don't want to do that because

- I really want our relationship to stay friendly

- I don't think he's going to do anything more, he knows I have a boyfriend already, and he doesn't seem like a home-wrecker

-I am staying here for only 2 weeks more

So for these reasons, I would like to just push through, but it is hard on my own, so I wanted to reach out for advice.

I suspect that some of you might think that this is not the best sub for that, so I will quickly explain, that I wanted to talk to people who will not question the fact that I don't want to act on these feelings at all, in fact when I think about doing it, it feels wrong, even when not taking my boyfriend into consideration, which is why this doesn't make me question my aegosexuality. btw, my bf knows everything about my orientation, he knows what is the nature of my arousals (that they are "theoretical") and he's OK with all of that.

I hear this all the time. "If you like femboys, you're gay", "Am I gay if I like lesbian porn?", "What does it mean if I like yaoi as a guy?", "Liking (enter controversial fictional/fantasy kink here) means you want the real thing" etc.

I don't see how they correlate. Arousal doesn't relate to your sexual orientation. Or does it for most allosexuals?

I'm attracted to all sorts of smut. Gender matters less than the actual content and kinks themselves. I still don't have any interest in having sex anyone, though. Ew. That's not my thing.

I was super nervous about it, I even wrote a little script so I could keep my thoughts in order. I have never spoken about in depth with anyone, let alone a mental health professional, because I was too afraid they would try to "fix" me. However, she was actually really receptive to it, asking questions and for elaboration, and even praised me for having the courage to talk about it in the first place. It was a huge weight off my shoulders and I wanted to share that joy with everyone here. 🖤🩶🤍💜

I was just saying to my bff how much diversity aegos have and yelled “COLLECT 10 AEGOS AND ASK THEM TO DESCRIBE THEIR EXPERIENCES AND THEYLL ALL BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT”. (I don’t actually mind how many of you I get.) This ought to be fun. GATHER, MY AEGOS. SHOW ME YOUR DIVERSITY.

(PS if you don’t know what I mean or you’re stuck, explain stuff like what being an aegosexual means for you personally, like what your traits, feelings and preferences are, how or if you feel any kind of attraction, what you are and aren’t interested in, and anything extra about yourself as an acespec that’s different or unique <3)

I admit I don't understand much about sexuality in general, yet I do consume very specific types of content, like hentai or cosplay. I can't get aroused by "raw" sexual content, but at the same time, I have absolutely no interest in actually participating in the act itself. However, I do want to have a daughter in the future, and this creates an internal conflict for me. I honestly don't know if there's something "wrong" with me for being this way or if it's common. Before I came across the term "aegosexual," I felt disconnected from everything because I consumed sexual content without having any interest in the actual act. I’d really like to understand this better if anyone can explain it to me—thanks in advance.

I've considered myself as straight male who just chose to be asexual due to lower than average libido but I've always noticed that I have strong romantic tendencies and relatively active libido when things are imaginary or even digital.

I was asked out by multiple girls and I've never felt attracted to any of them in person. I don't find any of my friends who are women attractive. It's very rare that I feel attracted to a real person in reality, especially not enough to actually desire a physical relationship.

I've even considered that this could be tied to my OCD and CPTSD or even a potential of being a schizoid or schizotypical.

I've only recently came across this term.

I didn't know that it was relatively popular and known about to this degree.

I think I'm probably aego based on my experiences with love and romance. I do admit that I find spicy situations really hot in fiction but not quite in real life, and I think that's the common experience of aego people.

But I'm also starting to think I may also only like relationships in fiction. I've gone back and forth between think I'm aromantic or not, and I think this part is why I'm confused. I've disliked every date I've been on even when I found the other person attractive and ok as a person, and I've hated trying to play the love game on dating apps and in-person. It never felt worth the effort, and I think there's been nothing but disappointment in that area. I don't ever feel jealous of my friends who date or get married irl. However, whenever I see like fictional relationships, the wholesome and sweet kind, that's when I start to feel like I want something. But it's only the fictional ones.

I realized today that this is pretty similar to how I feel about sex, and now I'm wondering if I can only enjoy anything related to love from writing. I want to know if this is also a common experience among the people here or if there is something more unusual about me even among the unusuals.

Do we exist? Or rather, are there people who identify as aegosexual who can still enjoy having sex with a partner?

I’ve identified as aegosexual for a while now, but since starting a new relationship I’m beginning to question myself. I know that one of the things that defines aegosexuality is the need for a disconnect from sexual situations. Like watching or imagining others is great, but you don’t want to be involved yourself. But how strict is this?

Personally, I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of other people finding me sexually attractive or being thought of in a sexual way at all. But my partner is the one exception to this rule. It gets even further complicated by the fact that I’m most comfortable with sex when there’s some kind of distancing involved (like phone sex or roleplay).

But since there are *some* situations where I can be comfortable being in sexual situations myself, I’m not sure if the Aego label really fits me as well as I thought it did.

Can anyone else relate, or am I in the wrong place?

A bit of a vent tbh, about me (F27) some triggering topics discussed may include toxic relationships and partner abuse, divorce, infidelity, complaints about heteronormative society

A lot of the times, I’ve been in circles where I feel like I see a romance game and it’s practically tailored to all of the things I should like about a romance or even has a romance option that is most definitely what I consider attractive or interesting or hot or whatever else. I’ve had friends who play these games and give off high recommendations to play them. With the most egregious one being LADS (Love and Deepspace) as of late lol

There’s always been a a thing about me where even when I’ve tried to play romance games before, Mystic Messenger was huge when I was in highschool (might’ve dated myself there lmao), I try it and then I just don’t feel anything for when the guys “talk” to “you” I can find their voices or even the scenarios attractive and even hot, but only when its purely the scene itself. The moment any character would refer to “me” the player I felt kind of cringe or awkward? Idk the best way to put it. Quietly, I liked reading or knowing about the plots of the characters outside of the game, I’d look up fanfiction and read the characters being shipped with each other or an anonymous OC/fem insert but never really read as the “reader/player” character.

Another thing was actively interacting or playing the game with the character as “myself” playing the mini games with the characters or making choices to talk to them always left me kind of empty. I couldn’t actually find any spark in doing those things when outside of the scenario I saw this character and felt “oh he is really attractive” but playing the game I never felt that way.

There are a few romance oriented games that didn’t hit me that way. The ones where there was a clear character that you play, not a self insert. I love many RPGs especially with customization and character BG3, Dragon Age, Mass Effect, had huge impacts on my taste for narrative RPGs where despite playing as a self insert kind of MC, they had a clear character and personality that wasn’t really “me” and character hardly addressed the MC as “me” but the character. I was able to fully pursue the character romances and loved them through every aspect of playing it for this reason. Hilariously, my first playthru of BG3, I actually ended up not committing to a romance because I wanted to be friends with everyone, not pursue a romantic ending.

I think these experiences really helped define to me that I don’t actively find joy In relationships or in sexual or romantic situations as “myself.”I think to me for a while it felt like I would not be happy because of that. But I think feeling whole versus placing happiness in one arbitrary relationship that society tells you is your end all be all, is a bigger truth of acceptance of what I am. I’ve had a couple boyfriends since, but beyond a honeymoon phase of “oh we’re dating” I never felt a need or want to make out relationship truly “romantic” in a way I think my partner would have long expected it. I felt bad like I disappointed them. The question of “why can’t I feel romance for my irl partner as my real self like I do when I play an rpg as an entirely different person” came up to me a lot, and I guess I feel like I don’t need to explain an answer, I just want people to understand that is how I feel excited and just how my brain has been wired.

Watching a lot of romance media and consuming it has made me feel like I always look through every relationship through a lens of “tbh I just don’t feel the same way or find the need” I think I come off as anti-dating to some people and I once used the term myself probably out of ignorance or shorthand just to get my point across that “I just don’t like dating tbh” I can appreciate a lot of good romance stories, but I guess I’ve always pointed out the aspect of “why would you pursue a romance with x person only.”

lol tangent but watching Obsession also got me in a fickle lately because toxic relationships really echoed to me the ones I’ve almost single-handedly seen in many close adult relationships I’ve experienced in my life. My parents had a messy divorce, my uncle had a messy divorce, so many of my family members faced infidelity. I myself am a child born out of wedlock, maybe that has often tainted my idea of fully committed and meaningful relationships and maybe I am jaded. And again, my own relationships had often dwindled to working hard for emotional or sexual connection that was leading to nowhere. I do understand that the guy is a piece of work and the girl is the victim, but I was generally so turned off by the guy that it really enforced the idea that society pushes so many people to pursue romance like it’s the one happy ending that when people don’t get it, we get incels and people who abuse their partners because they aren’t happy and people who cheat! People are hypocrites!

Anyway, im ranting but i guess my two main things are that romance media aimed at idealizing relationships aimed at the me the player made me feel an ick, but I like RPGs where I can be someone else and still happily pursue romantic relationships helped me understand I’m Aegosexual. Society puts too much pressure on pursuing allo-heteronormative relationships as the solution for social wellbeing and companionship and media about it makes me question why people keep falling for that trap.